Ed: The greatly anticipated third chapter!

Little Link: …pyscho.

Ed: Yes. Yes, I am.

Little Link: In case you can't tell, Uber Spoonz often refers to herself as Ed.

Ed: -hits Little Link- Shut up and disclaim already!

Little Link: Lousy slave-drivin'… Ed, a.k.a. Uber Spoonz, doesn't own Zelda or Geico.

Ed: -cries- What a world! What a world…!

Little Link: OO; You betcha…

Chapter 3: Why Haven't You Called Geico?

Link was in Jabu Jabu's Belly throwing Princess Ruto at the walls repeatedly. Whenever he did it, she made this creepy little sound like "Squelch" or something. At first his amusement was just a dry chuckle, but now we find him laughing maniacally as he hurls Ruto into the wall.

"Link (squelch), what are you (squelch) doing? We have (squelch) to find my (squelch) mother's amu (squelch) let!" Ruto squelched. Link's voice could easily be compared to that of a howler monkey as he laughed. He froze mid toss, Ruto suspended in midair, as a puff of smoke appeared in the room.

And there she stood. Ed the Authoress, wearing her Bremen mask.

"Ruto! Long time no see!" she squealed. "Lucky! I brought the skillet!" Ed pulled out a large frying pan and a box of fish fry stuff. Yes, fish fry stuff. You know, the stuff that makes it all crispy and golden… No, not the oven. The stuff in the box! Anyway, yeah.

Ruto screamed and ran off, yelling something about telling the octopus and he'd tell his mommy and his mommy would tell his daddy and his daddy would get a stick and he'd trip on the way over and stain his good pants and run home cursing and tell his mommy to hurry up and wash the damn things and… Well, she just kinda went on and on. Ed sighed and threw the skillet at her head, knocking her out.

"Fast food: fast in the legs but not in the head," Ed said, shaking her head. She turned to Link with a malicious grin. Frightened, the green-clad boy backed up.

"Link, I have good new and bad news," she began. Link's eyes grew wide with fear. "The bad news is that you're going to keep doing this commercial thing until I run out of commercials to parodize."

"NOOooooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!" Link shrieked, fluctuating the emphasis on his sustained 'o' note. "Wait, there's more!" Ed interrupted. "I can say that there will be at least ten more chapters!"

"NOOooooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!"

"And each will be horrible than the last!

""NOOooooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!"

"And if you don't stop screaming, I'll have your voice box removed!"

"NOOooooooOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!"

"And you'll never see Ruto again!"

"NOOoooo- Wait, really? Huzzah!"

"And you're not really a Kokiri!"

"Duh."

"And I'm running out of bad news!"

Link sweatdropped. "Then get on with it," he suggested. Ed smiled. "I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico!" she cheered. Link stared blankly. "What's a car?" he asked. Ed glared, threw down a Deku Nut, and an incredibly large car appeared, engine roaring, headlights focused on Link. The boy screamed and ran away as the vehicle began chasing him around Jabu Jabu's Belly.

"Sorry Link! Guess I shouldn't have let that Kokiri kid drive… Her feet hardly reach the gas and she can't see over the dash board!" Ed apologized.

Inside the massive automobile…

"MuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahcoughHACKcough!" Saria laugh/coughed. "Run, Forest Boy, run!"

Back to the Authoress…

Ed turned to the nonexistant camera. "Why haven't you called Geico?" she asked. There was a loud crash in the distance. "Oh my Goddesses, my SPINE!" Link's voice shouted in agony. Saria came running past the Authoress with a steering wheel skewered over her head. "There shall be no lawsuits!" the green-haired girl demanded as she rushed out of the stomach of the large fish.

"So… why haven't you called Geico?" Ed repeated to the still nonexistant camera. Suddenly fellow authoress Numdenu appeared. "BECAUSE THEY FIRED MY BEST FRIEND'S MOM, THAT'S WHY!" she shouted enraged-ly. Ed gave Numdenu a Bunny Hood and marched away, playing her mysteriously-obtained flute.

Link was admitted to Hyrule's first hospital. Ruto became Hyrule's first relationship consultant. Saria established Hyrule's first illegal race track. Jabu Jabu's Belly became Hyrule's first crime scene. And they all lived happily ever after… Except Link, who had suffered incredible trauma and was liable to never blink by himself again.

Then Ed the Authoress saw a Pepto Bismal commercial…

Me: Muahahahahahaha! I'm havin' FUN with this!

Little Link: Speak for yourself…

Me: I am!

Little Link: Review please… Ed needs the lyrics to the Pepto Bismal song…

Me: Yes I do! I would be most obliged if you'd give me those lyrics in your review!