Disclaimer: I don't own the series or the characters. I wish I
did, but I don't. You'll give whatever companies that are involved the
credit. Instead, I own a word processor, the DVDs, and an overactive
imagination, which will just have to do.
Summary: Responsibility is a four letter word. Prequel to The Darkest Shadows (posted 12/04).
by Barbara C.
"Even the brightest star will flicker and die;
forgotten, erased from existence."
Responsibility. The word clung to her mind like a four letter word of the foulest inference. Though consisting of significantly more letters, it was equally tainted. It was thrust upon her constantly, never ending. Responsibility.
Blond hair fell out of place as she shook her head hoping the tenseness in her shoulders would vanish.
It wouldn't though, all due to that word. That word. The one that wouldn't go away was causing her tension. If she could just separate herself from it, even for a short while, she could be free of the impending insanity that was sure to come. Her head dropped as did her shoulders, realizing the futility of it, she let out a hoarse laugh.
They needed her; there was no way around it. Hellsing couldn't survive without her...or could it? It had survived before her; it had even survived before Alucard. Hellsing could survive without her. And that gave her hope, something that was in short supply during these dark days.
Once she was free though, where would she go, what would she do, who would she be? She had enough funds that she could disappear for a reasonable period. However, other concerns battered away at her frayed nerves. Relentlessly pounding away were trust, honesty, sanity, loneliness, fear, doubt, and that word; responsibility. Her hands curled as her shoulders and back tensed. For moments, she stood quietly as a battle raged in her mind, until finally, her head snapped up harmlessly releasing the built up tension. Concerns aside, she knew what had to be done.
Now, all she needed was an exit strategy. Primarily, how to escape without Alucard's knowledge?
She felt the tension coil in her shoulders again. She heard shadows of the dead whisper warnings. She not only head the word, she felt it and saw it.
Responsibility.
It would drive her mad if she didn't distance herself from it. She knew that as a fact, she could feel it. Men and woman had died on her watch. That guilt ate into her soul, what little she had left. She had to get away before the guilt drove her to do something truly regrettable, before she lost her soul to the darkness that threatened to consume her. She had to...
As though a light bulb actually flashed on behind her eyes, they brightened considerably. She had to leave. Simply leave. Leave everything behind. She would leave her guilt, her fears, her love, her hate; she would leave all her troubles and worries behind.
If they found her, well she would deal with that problem when it happened. But for now, she would walk away free. She would disappear. It would cause extreme chaos at first, but Hellsing's finest could manage until things were sorted out. She would miss the few friends she had made, if one could call them that. They simply weren't as scared of her as most others were.
This had to be done.
Brushing a few loose strands of hair from her eyes, she gazed around the room that had grown to be a second home, of sorts. Everything was tidy, too little d‚cor and too few outfits made it easy. They likely wouldn't realize she was gone until morning. Hell would break loose then. She found herself chuckling at the pun before turning on her heal to leave. Closing the door behind her, she left her tragedies and memories inside and walked away.
The further she removed herself from the manor the fainter the voice of reason and responsibility grew, until it was nothing more than a niggling at the back of her mind.
It wasn't there. She couldn't hear that word. Nor could she see it, touch it, or taste it. She knew it would always be there, but for now it was dulled and of little consequence. A consequence she would deal with when the time came; a much later time. Until that time, she would disappear into oblivion, following the stars wherever they took her.
Ack! It sucks (at least I think so), but I liked the general theme enough to post it, maybe it's less angsty than I want (notice I didn't add that descriptor). People were interested in a prequel to The Darkest Shadows. I thought it sounded like a good idea and came up with this. Unfortunately, this story hasn't been nearly as cooperative as its predecessor. Read and review, I love critical comments that help influence my writing and would make my stories better, but gold stars and smiley faces are fine too.