A/N: This fic comes from being extremely bored during the hurricane with no internet. Plus, Buffy and Alice, woot much. Review please, I need something to stop the cravings now that im back online.
Beta-ed and posted by WarmTea.
Character refernence:
Alice: Buffy (duh)
White Rabbit: Faith
Mad Hatter: Xander
March Hare: Anya
Cheshire Cat: Drusilla
Caterpillar (with hookah): Oz
Flowers: Willow, Tara, Dawn
Tweedle Dum: Angel
Tweedle Dee: Spike
Queen of Hearts: Glory
King of hearts: Ben
Alice's sister: Giles
Dinah: Miss Kitty Fantastico
Doorknob: Cordelia
Bill the lizard: Wesley
The cards: Andrew, Jonathan, Warren
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy blah blah blah, I don't own Alice in wonderland, (tear) blah blah blah, Joss Whedon is god, blah blah.
Chapter 1
Buffy sighed. "I wonder if anything interesting will happen today."
"Buffy, will you try to pay attention to your history lesson? I am letting you sit on the bank outside today because I thought it would be less distracting then the mall, where you prefer to study. I even allowed you to bring Willow's new cat." Giles went back to reading from his book, the Compendium of Boring Demons that you will Never Come Up Against Anyway. "Now, the demon Hornswalth is great and fierce, with a gaze that can pierce a man to his soul."
Buffy sighed again. "Giles, honestly, I love being outside, but how can you expect me to pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?"
"Now you are just trying to get out of reading."
"Am not." Buffy grumbled "I don't think it is practical to be reading about demons if there are no pictures of said about-to-be-dust enemies?"
"Nonsense. It is perfectly reasonable." Giles turned a page. "The demon Gilgraneth is…"
Buffy turned over and looked at Miss Kitty. "Nonsense. If I could make a world of my own then everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" Buffy stopped herself. "Wow. Where the hell did that come from? I sounded smart."
Miss Kitty meowed.
"See, if in my world, you wouldn't say meow. You would say, yes Buffy." Buffy paused. "You can't really talk, right?"
Miss Kitty just meowed again.
"Just checking."
All of a sudden Faith ran by in a white Playboy Bunny outfit. "Hey B." She rushed. "Sorry, cant stay, I'm late!"
"Late? For what? Faith, wait!" Buffy picked up Miss Kitty and started to chase after the dark-haired slayer.
All of a sudden Faith dove on her stomach and slid into a hole underneath a tree.
"What the hell?" Buffy ran toward the tree. "Faith, wait for me! My, what a peculiar place to have a party." She got on her hands and knees and crawled through the opening. All of a sudden the ground drooped, and Buffy fell straight down, turning to look back at the black kitten. "Goodbye Miss Kitty. Goodbye!" Buffy tumbled for what seemed like days, and finally the floor came rushing toward her. "Well screw that." She grabbed a pole that was hanging very conveniently from the wall and did gymnastics spin around it to land on the floor. She was in a large room with only a table in the middle and a very small door at the wall farthest from her.
"Buffy, I'm late! I have to hurry! Goodbye!" Faith, looking very much like a white rabbit, hopped through the door and closed it behind her
"Faith wait!" Buffy ran toward her, but she was too late. Faith was gone. Buffy crouched down and tried to turn the knob.
"Ohhhh, hey hey hey, get your hands off of me! I was just polished. You know how expensive it is to get that done?"
Buffy jumped up into a fighting stance, looking around, but no one was there. She looked down and nearly fell over when she realized that the doorknob on the door was talking to her. "Oh, I'm very sorry about that."
"Damn right you are sorry. You can't get through anyway. It's simply impassible. You are much too big. Humph, serves you right."
"You mean impossible, right?"
No, impassible! Nothing is impossible. Geeze, expected someone like you to know that." The door sighed. "But I suppose a loser like you wouldn't understand."
"Ummm, look. I need to get to that bunny that just ran to the other side. I NEED TO GET THOUGH."
"Keep your pants on. Just drink the bottle on the table."
"What table?" Buffy turned around. "Oh! Wait, that wasn't there before." She walked over and picked up the bottle. "Well, it doesn't say poison or anything. I guess its ok." The slayer drank the whole bottle down in one gulp. "WHOAH! WHAT THE HELL." Buffy suddenly shrank down to the size of a shotglass. "Man, I should have learned from the band candy incident to not eat anything untrustworthy… Well, at least now I'm the right size."
"Well dumbass, you can't get through anyway. I'm locked. And you don't have the key."
"Oh you have got to be kidding me. Where is the key?"
"It's on the table. All the way up there, where you can't get to. Smart."
"Now what?" Buffy sat down, aggravated.
"Honestly, do I have to spell it out for you? Try the box."
"What box…?" Suddenly a small pink wooden box appeared before her. "Oh." She opened the box and ate one of the small cookies inside. Suddenly the blonde grew and grew until she was taking up most of the room. "Aw shit."
The doorknob looked Buffy up and down. "Now there is one diet that I will never go on."
Buffy looked at her enormous body. "What am I going to do now? I'll never be able to get through the door at this size." Buffy began to cry. "I shall n-never get to Faith at this r-rate."
The doorknob looked as annoyed as any doorknob could manage. "Now don't start crying. I hate it when people cry. Tears scratch my paint job." It sighed. "Look, crying never helped anything."
Buffy was so large that her tears began to fill up the room. "But I'm never gonna see h-her again! She began to cry harder. The tears filled to room up so much that the doorknob was almost submerged in water.
"STOP! Stop it right now! Look, over there, the bottle, THE BOTTLE," the doorknob cried as the water continued to rise.
Buffy paused and saw the bottle that had made her shrink floating by her. "AHA!" She picked it up and drank what little was left of the concoction. As she shrank with a pop she landed in the bottle, so small that she was unable to climb back out. The bottle floated toward the doorknob and slipped right through the keyhole.
"Oh what will happen to me now?" Buffy looked around as the bottle landed on its side ashore a beach. She clambered out and saw a bird standing on a rock a little to her right.
"Forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus-race. Backward, forward, outward, inward, bottom to the top, never a beginning there can never be a stop to skipping, hopping, tripping, fancy free and gay, I started it tomorrow and will finish yesterday. Round and round and round we go, and dance for evermore, once we were behind but now we find we are be-forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus-race. For backward... I say! You'll never get dry that way!" The Dodo sand, then called out to her when he noticed Buffy staring.
"Screw that," Buffy said. She ignored the bird and walked over to the forest that stood a ways from the beach.
As she entered the forest she saw to pairs of eyes looking at her from under a bush. Buffy stopped and instantly crouched into a fighting position. After a minute or so she realized that the figures weren't moving. She stood and walked behind the bush, coming to a stop in front of two men, standing stock still. The first was tall and had black spiky hair and was wearing a long black trench coat. The second figure was slightly shorter then the first had bleached blonde hair that was sliced back, and a black trench coat similar to the first. Buffy bent to read the tags on their shirts. "How peculiar…Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum…"
Suddenly the figure called Tweedle Dee sprung to life. "If you think that we are wax works, you ought to pay you know."
Tweedle Dum jumped up and joined Tweedle Dee. "Contrariwise, if you think we're alive you ought to speak to us!"
"That's logic!" They proclaimed together.
Buffy snorted. "Yeah, ok. Have you seen a girl run by here? She's wearing a white playboy bunny outfit, yay tall," she motioned with her hand, "criminally insane, goes by the name of Faith?"
The two men shook their heads.
"Well, it's been nice meeting you. Goodbye!" Buffy tried to walk around them, but Tweedle Dee blocked her path. When she attempted to move around him, Tweedle Dum jumped forward to keep her from moving. "Hey, what the hell are you trying to-"
Tweedle Dee cut her off. "You're beginning backwards." He backed into the shadows somewhat as he said this, so he could look gloomy and mysterious.
Tweedle Dum lit a cigarette, so he could be all bad-ass. "Aye, the first thing in a visit is to say, how do you do and shake hands." He slumped against a nearby tree.
"That's manners!" They said together.
"Ok, I'm Buffy, and I am trying to get to Faith, now if you would just move so I can follow her…"
Tweedle Dee sprung forward. "Oh, you can't go yet!"
""No, the visit has only started!" Tweedle Dum agreed.
"Look, I don't care. Let me through and we won't have any problems." Buffy said smiling through her teeth.
"If you stay long enough we might have a battle." Tweedle Dee said from the shadows.
"We're gonna have a battle if you don't get out of my way."
"Where are you so keen to run off to?" Tweedle Dum puffed smoke out of his nose.
"I'm following a friend of mine." Buffy replied.
"Why?" They said together.
"Well, I'm curious to know where she has run off to again. Last time she did this she went evil on me."
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum looked at each other and shook their heads.
"Ohhhh, she's curious." Tweedle Dum tsked.
Tweedle Dee stepped out of the shade. "The oysters were curious too, weren't they?"
Tweedle Dum agreed. "Aye, and you remember what happened to them…"
"Poor things," they lamented together.
"I'm not interested. I have to get to my friend!" Buffy looked at the men, who just ignored her and started to tell a story about a walrus and a carpenter. "Fine, screw trying to be polite. Bye." The slayer walked away, voices trailing behind her.
TBC...