A Place in This World
Thank you to those of you who continue to read my drivels. I appreciate the kind words. I NEED MORE, MORE I SAY – MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Once again, I own nothing except all original characters. Unfortunately, I do not own Christine, Margarite (except for the name), Raoul, or Erik; or the man whose portrayal of Erik brought him to life for me, Gerry Butler. (I've gone to my happy place…carry on…)
CHAPTER 13
Erik did not know what to make of the situation. He was seldom made to feel vulnerable, nor was he often left speechless. At this moment, he was experiencing both sensations and neither one was pleasant. He mustered up all of the confidence in himself that he could and fancied a look at the two lovers before him. He had never noticed how good they looked together; two beautiful people beginning a journey together…Erik actually wanted them to have a good life. Two sets of eyes meant his gaze as Christine and Raoul both looked at him.
Erik refused to let the situation allow him to feel threatened or dejected, he had come too far in the last couple of days to let his past consume him. He had had enough of feeling victimized and disconsolate. He wanted nothing more than to remove himself from the human race and live in seclusion for the rest of his days…but he knew this was not to be. He had tried that road…and it only led to the brink of agonizing insanity and piercing loneliness. Life, and everything that came with it was staring him full in the face and he must take it on with the full knowledge that he was now a part of the human race, whether he wanted to be or not.
With courage that belied her trembling heart, Christine ventured to speak, "Why Erik?" Christine peered deep into the alluring, green, abyss that was Erik's gaze; in it, she saw regret and pain such as she had never seen.
He visibly trembled with self-loathing as she continued. "Why would you allow yourself to take the blame for crimes that you did not commit...and then allow all of us, those who love and care about you, to go on thinking the worst about you?"
Christine took note of the sneer on Erik's face at the mention of others loving and caring about him. She stored it away and decided to address that subject another time
"Whether you believe it or not Erik, I do care deeply about you and your welfare. The feelings I have for you would be considered love if it was any other woman before you…but it is me…and my love was given to Raoul 13 years ago by my father and his mother."Christine saw the look of interest on Erik's face,"They betrothed us to one another when I was three and Raoul was 16…I remembered this, but thought that Raoul was lost to me after my father died…I never dreamt that he would come back into my life." Christine took Raoul's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. She knew that it must be difficult for Raoul to hear her admit that she had deep feelings for Erik; and that those feelings were feelings of love.
Erik watched her hand caress Raoul's hand and felt a familiar foreboding creeping into his heart. He jerked his eyes painfully away from the show of affection before him. He was still pushing the bile back down to his throat when Christine spoke, "You still have not answered my question Erik…why?"
Erik sat reservedly still. His eyes were shadowed so that Christine could not see his pain. His voice was steady yet stern, "I do not feel that I owe an explanation to anyone… especially you."
He began to stand but was stopped by a small, firm hand on his arm and a pleading whisper, "Erik, I do not want there to be this distance between us…"
Erik stood rigidly straight as he vehemently turned on Christine. Raoul was momentarily rendered speechless. Erik, through clenched teeth; spat out at her in a disdainfully whispered tone, "What did you expect Christine...did you expect me to just curl up and lay at your feet like a good little dog…to come crawling back to you on all fours like the beast that I am and beg your forgiveness?"
Erik held himself tenaciously away from Christine, visibly shaking with unrelenting rage. Why should he explain anything to her? Her very presence made him feel vulnerable and exposed, two feelings he abhorred; especially in reference to himself. Erik forced his volatile anger to subside; he had never been physically violent towards a woman, and he was not about to start now.
Raoul was amazed at how controlled Erik was; he had seen him express explosive anger and then suppress it by shear will. Raoul was impressed.
Erik was astonished by Christine's reaction to his anger. Several days ago, she would have recoiled away from him and begun crying and shaking uncontrollably.
The new, and (he supposed) improved Christine just stood her ground and allowed him to vent his frustration. She did have tears in her eyes, but they were from the shock of hearing the self-loathing words that Erik used to describe himself.
The pools forming in her eyes spilled over and ran down her porcelain cheeks. "I am so sorry Erik,"Christine sobbed and her shoulders shook. "Sorry for betraying you, sorry for not believing in you; sorry for not listening to my own heart telling me that you were not all the horrible things that everyone said you were. I knew my heart would never allow me to love a man whose soul was evil and whose hands were covered in blood."
When he began to turn from her she spoke more forcefully, "I…I find it so hard to comprehend that a man as intellectually stimulating and physically attractive as yourself would ever hate himself as much as you hate yourself."
Erik scowled at the words she spoke, but Christine cautiously put her had to Erik's sculptured cheek; when he did not pull away from her touch, she boldly caressed it, "I want to know you Erik…you…not the Phantom or the Opera Ghost…you. For instance, I never knew you had such thick, wavy hair; why do you keep it slicked back?...and your eyes are the color of raging clouds in a summer thunderstorm…– such an exquisite mix of every shade of green…"
Christine; so enthralled by the shear beauty of the man before her; moved her hand to his lips and gently slid her thumb over their exquisite softness,"and your mouth…" Christine's eyes caressed his mouth much like her thumb did; she smiled, lost in joy, "Erik- it's perfect; with your full, sensuous lips..."Christine was slowly leaning into Erik as though she expected their lips to meet…she wanted their lips to meet.
Erik moved slowly back from her; seeing the shocked look on Raoul's face. With his reluctant retreat, Christine was able to gain control again, "I have never seen you held by the warmth of light…you have always remained shadowed."She grudgingly removed her hand from Erik's warm cheek, "Don't hide anymore Erik, you're too beautiful." Erik dropped his stunning eyes and hid his face from her.
Her words were everything he had always wanted to here, especially from a woman; but he knew they were not true, she only said them to make him feel better about himself. It had never worked before; it wasn't working now. "Everything I have been made to believe about you is based on lies. I refuse to let my opinion of you be influenced by outside sources anymore; that includes your own misguided and misinformed beliefs about yourself." She gently guided him back to the couch and indicated for him to please sit; Raoul sat in the chair next to the couch as Christine took a seat next to Erik.
It was at this time that Michél made his way into the room and motioned for Raoul to join him in the kitchen. Raoul seemed a bit hesitant, but knew that he must trust Christine. He excused himself with a formal bow and left the room, ushered out by Michél. Christine and Erik both watched him go; both had completely different thoughts running through their heads. Erik could not believe that Raoul would leave him here alone with Christine, knowing that Erik still desired her. Christine could not believe that she had been given this opportunity to speak freely.
Christine scooted closer to Erik and put a gentle finger to his adorable cleft chin and lifted his longing eyes to hers. "There is no fear of you in me Erik. When I thought you a murderer and rapist, yes, I feared you…everyone did. Now, I have an aching need to know the real you. The man that has lived a tortured and painful life and yet…can create masterpieces with such beauty, that people are reduced to tears. Masterpieces of music and art; structures, design, sculptures, clothes… masterpieces created by your hands and brought to life by the voice of an angel…" as she said the last statement, Christine timidly grasped Erik's hands and began taking off the gloves.
When the fine leather was removed, Christine entwined her dainty fingers with his long, masculine, well-groomed fingers and marveled at the shear beauty of them. "These hands should never be covered; they are masculine and sensuous; capable of making a woman think and feel sinful things when they caress her…"
Christine pulled her eyes seductively up from his hands and looked into the languid pools of green that stared back at her in stunned silence; he was both surprised and proud of the way that Christine broached such an intimate subject with him.
Her next words sent his senses reeling, "like they have caressed me."
She smiled; a beguiling mix of woman and child. She reflected back on the sensuous, forbidden way her body reacted to Erik's touch. She remembered how she longed for it to continue but was horrified that she would want the physical touch of a murderer and rapist.
Her thoughts bought a nervous giggle to her throat, "Especially now, I find your touch to be heaven on earth."
Erik disengaged his hands from hers and gently sat her away from him. "What are you doing Christine? Do not play games with me…I am no schoolboy... Although I am sure that what you are saying is what you believe I want to hear," Erik stated, "I am not a fool. I am no longer driven by obsession and blind rage and I have been hiding behind them for too long. I know how you reacted to me… it was exactly as I intended you to react to me…and there is a logical explanation for why an angel, such as yourself, would allow a monster like me within ten feet of her."
Even with his inexperience in matters of the heart, he knew that she was still very leery of the intensity of her reaction to him; a reaction, he was certain, had been induced by his hypnotic voice and exceptional skills of illusion. He would not allow her to continue to think that he produced these feelings in her on his own physical prowess
He continued with his assessment of the situation, "The touch that you seem so eager to endure… that touch was forced on you by my voice and skills as an illusionist. I exercised power over you that I never should have…you would have never succumbed to me of your own free will… especially after seeing my atrocious face…I violated you in the worst of ways Christine. I am guilty of the worst crime of all, I raped your mind by placing unwanted and unreal desire for me within it…I took advantage of your youth and trust; making you see me as something I am not…a virile, viable suitor worthy of your attention."
Erik closed his eyes and dropped his head, hating himself for deceiving her. "I see how you look at Raoul…I know that you love him." Erik lifted his head and went on, not giving Christine a chance to speak or retaliate in any way"He is a good man, worthy of you…he is courageous and strong; handsome and refined…things I will never be."
Christine started to interrupt but Erik continued on, ignoring the slight sound of her voice, "Your love for Raoul is a lasting, lingering love…a love that will take you into the future. There is no deception or dishonesty in his love for you…or your love for him...it is pure; unadulterated. It is the kind of love that inspires arias and symphonies. It is what you deserve…the very best. I knew even before I pursued you that I was not worthy of you…of anyone…"
Erik lowered his eyes to prevent Christine from seeing the pain that was ever present in them, "…no one deserves to be exposed to me; physically or mentally. All I can do is beseech you for your forgiveness…I must separate myself from my past and leave you, and all I have held dear for so long, behind…"
He lifted Christine's chin with his finger, she had lowered her head as tears began to glide down her face, "…I know this Christine…I have accepted it and am ready to move on. Death would have been a welcome friend; but, once again, I do not get my way in this matter; I must continue to reside within this rotting carcass and attempt to make a new life for myself." Erik's voice trembled with emotion.
Christine noted the use of the words "once again", and wondered if Erik had attempted suicide or come close to death at other times. The thought scared her immensely.
Erik's lulling voice drug Christine out of her thoughts. "I am tired of hurting those that I love…it seems to be something I am very good at. I face a future, devoid of companionship, with familiarity and assurance. Loneliness and despair have long been my faithful and true friends."
Erik's beautiful eyes were shrouded in pain and tears were weaving their way down his sorrow-filled face. The hatred he felt for himself was evident in the way he held himself.
He continued through clenched teeth and balled fists, "I will never again use my voice or skills as an illusionist to seduce and entice a woman into accepting me into her life and heart…I will not pursue love, or even friendship; I know that these joys are not intended for a monster like me."
The last words were said with such contempt, that Christine flinched away from them as though they struck her. Erik did not give Christine a chance to respond, as he turned and headed for the door, leaving her with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart. Christine was unaware of the ears that were listening. She stood in stunned shock, realizing that the conversation had not gone at all like she had hoped it would.
Raoul had grown increasingly nervous as he pondered what Christine and Erik were discussing. He knew what the issues were and he trusted Christine…and…reluctantly, he had to admit that he trusted Erik. He had heard a slight rise in the volume of the talking at certain times, and he stood just outside the door, behind the wall so that they could not see him. He could hear a great deal of the conversation, for they had moved closer to the door every time that Erik had attempted to leave.
Erik made his way for the door and surprised Raoul by turning the corner to find him listening. Erik raised his perfect eyebrow and regarded Raoul; his face gave no indication of the thoughts going through his mind. Raoul looked down at his feet in shame, attempting to come up with some excuse for being there. Erik pushed any irritation he may have felt aside, swept past Raoul, and headed for the kitchen; rendering the subject closed.
Chapter 14 preview – Making amends