Title: Her presence
Author: thousandmiles
Rating: T
Spoilers: The one in S4 with Nelda and Want.
Summary: Seriously, she didn't understand him anymore. These last couple of months she'd seen him change into a man she didn't recognize anymore. He was slipping away from her and she did not understand why.
A/N: This is a Bobby angst fic, with a little Alex angst and some sweet moments. At least that's what I'm going for. Please bare in mind, my native language isn't English, but I'm doing the best I can. I'd love to hear your opinion, but don't flame me. I've written a couple of chapters already, but I can't make any promises about updates.
Part one
Seriously, she didn't understand him anymore. These last couple of months she'd seen him change into a man she didn't recognize anymore. He was slipping away from her and she did not understand why. He'd always been a bit of a mystery, but she'd had learned to unravel it after their years of partnership. Now however, it seemed it had all been for nothing. She was afraid she would never be able to unravel the mystery that was Robert Goren.
With their last case in mind she was still mad at him. It wasn't in her ways to ever doubt his judgement. She would stand by his side even if she didn't always agree, that was what partners did. That's why she hadn't said anything when Bobby had gone off against Carver about the death penalty. That's why she hadn't uttered a word when he'd gotten that heartfelt confession. Sure she'd wanted to yell at him and wonder what he was thinking.
The Tagman case had really done a number on both of them. For the first time since their partnership she was beginning to doubt her trust in her partner. He simply didn't seem the man he used to be. He was a brilliant detective with strange quirks like sniffing dead bodies. But above all she knew he was a man she could trust. He was a man who respected her and who's company she liked. Lately however, that man had disappeared and there was only a shadow of him left.
It was now two days after the Tagman case and their partnership felt strained. She'd even caught Deakins watching them, silently asking her if anything was wrong. Bobby seemed as obliviously as always and was stuck in his own world. She didn't know what was going on anymore. But enough was enough. Decisions had to be made. This couldn't go on any longer. Even ending their partnership had crossed her mind. Now, standing in the interrogation room, in the mids of yet another argument she couldn't take it anymore.
"Stop it, Bobby!" She yelled.
To say he was shocked would be an understatement. Alex had never before yelled at him. All he could do was stand there with his mouth open.
"Look at us! Is this all we're capable of doing lately? These last couple of cases it seems as if disagreeing is all that we seem to do. What's going on here?" With her hand she waved between the two of them. Sighing she sat down on the chair. Judging from the shocked look in Bobby's eyes he didn't know what she's talking about. "Things have been strained between us. I know you've felt it too even though you've tried to ignore it. I feel strained because I don't know what you're going to do next. You've always had my trust and I've always stood by your side. Even when I disagreed. I've never wanted Deakins to see that we weren't on the same page. But… I just…I'm getting tired of this." Out of the corner of her eye she saw him taking place on the chair to her right. Carefully she placed her much smaller hand over his large hand. "Bobby, you're pulling away from me." And he did just that, pulling his hand out from under her. She sighed. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on with you. You've become a different man, somebody I don't recognize anymore. I wish you would tell me what's going on. Wish you'd let me in. You keep shutting me out, Bobby. I'm not going to pressure you. Clearly I'm not wanted and I'll just have to accept that. But what I can't accept is the way our partnership is going. I'm trying to hang on, Bobby. But this is hard on me too. I've tried reaching out, tried standing by your side, but it's as if nothing is getting through to you. I just don't know what to do anymore." She ran a hand through her hair. "I think we need some time apart. You need to deal with whatever it is that's going on with you. I need time away from you. When you're back on your feet again, I'll be here for you. But for now, we need space." Standing up Alex walked passed him, briefly laying her hand on his shoulder.
The decision hadn't been an easy one for her. In the end it had been one she'd had to make for both their sakes. If not their partnership would have been ruined for good. She certainly didn't want to loose Bobby. She cared too much to let that happen. His refusal to let her in hurt. Bobby had always been a closed off person, but sometimes he would let her see a glimpse. The hardest blow was when she discovered he'd told Nelda more than he'd ever told her. Was it that much easier for him to talk to somebody he hardly knew than to his friend? After that things had gone down hill. He'd started to become a man she didn't know anymore. Now she only had her faith to make her believe they could get through this. Walking through the bullpen she picked up her stuff and nodded to Deakins, signalling him that she'd told Bobby.
Alone in the interrogation room, Bobby listened to the silence. He hadn't been on his best behaviour lately, but surely he hadn't been that bad? Shaking his head he knew that wasn't true. He'd been a jerk to everyone around him, especially Alex. But now she was gone. He'd driven her away and he had only himself to blame. The most precious person in his live had walked out on him because of his own inability to work through his feelings. Ever since Nelda had gotten to him he'd felt himself drifting, drifting away from the one person who was his safe ground, his harbour. He'd been scared, insecure and vulnerable. There was so much going through his head, he simply wasn't able to give it all a place. The Tagman case had been the final drop. It had given him a glimpse into a frightening future. A man disgusted and horrified with himself, that's what he'd said and that was how he felt at this very moment. Finally his anger of his own behaviour caught up with him and he stood up, grabbed the table with both hands and pushed it over. He cursed as he grabbed chair and beat it into the wall. "Damn it, Alex!" He really wasn't mad at her, but he did need someone to direct his anger at. She seemed to be the logical choice, the person who had walked out of him. The person he needed most in life, yet could not have. He slumped against the wall and slid down, his knees drawn up, elbows on them and head in his hands.
Jimmy Deakins could hear Bobby's curse in his office. Everybody could hear his voice and the whole bullpen had quietened down. All eyes were on him and with a wave of his hand he ordered them to go back to work. When Alex had come to him yesterday with her problem he hadn't been surprised. He'd seen how strained the partnership between his best detectives had become. He hadn't stepped in, knowing it wasn't his time or place. They always dealt with it themselves. He thought they would have worked it out and when Alex said she simply couldn't do it anymore, he knew how serious the problem was. Alex wasn't one to give up easily. He'd seen the devastation in her eyes when she'd told him she needed a break from Bobby.
At one time he'd thought the partnership between Bobby and Alex would grow into a relationship. If so he wouldn't object and simply look the other way. He knew it would never interfere with their job. If someone would have told him the day would come that they couldn't work together anymore he would have laughed. Sadly, there wasn't anything to laugh today. He just hoped they would be able to find their way back to each other. Slowly Jimmy made his way to the interrogation room. What he found there was a lost man. A Bobby Goren he'd never seen before. Closing the door behind him he looked at the state of the room. The table turned over, a chair broken in two and a broken man on the floor. "Go home, Bobby. Get through this."
His words seemed to get through to Bobby because slowly the tall detective stood up. "Wh… Where is she?" Bobby's voice was soft and insecure.
Alex had made him promise he wouldn't tell Bobby where she was going to go. She needed time away from him and knew Bobby would be there as soon as he could. They needed time away from each other. "I can't tell you. Get some rest, go somewhere and when you've cleared your mind and know what's going on, only then you can go to her. You've hurt her, Bobby. She needs the time away from you. She can't always be the strong one."
Bobby quietly left the room, his head downward, looking at the ground. He grabbed his coat and notebook and left the bullpen. Standing outside he didn't know where to go. He had no one to go to. Hailing a cab he got in and gave the driver his address. At home he placed his notebook on his table and flung his coat on a chair before he fell down on his couch. With an arm flung over his eyes, he simply lied there, missing Alex to such an extent he didn't know was possible.
TBC...