Riku versus The Cobra
AN: The original title of this story was "Riku Milks a Cobra,"– I swear I had innocent intentions and it took me a minute to get that this probably summons some rather risqué imagery.
Sorry. I'm juvenile. Sorry.
Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...
"This is amazing," Riku dragged the heavy sword out of the coat closet.
"Oh, that old thing," the Mayor wrinkled her nose. "Don't bother with that, it's junk, some guy tried to tell me it was a fourteenth century Pravoka-crafted steel– and clearly it's a lousy sixteenth century Mysidian knockoff."
"Clearly," Riku repeated, but he had no idea what the Mayor was talking about. It was a sword, a double-edged blade with a long handle for two-handed use, no crossguard– the blade was a little short, but other than that it was beautiful.
"What are you going to do with it?" Riku asked.
"I don't know. Maybe the moogles can melt it down and make me a new set of steak-knives. Just set it over there, dear."
"If you don't want it, can I have it?" Riku asked sweetly.
"I'm not giving a weapon to a kid!" the Mayor laughed.
"I'll have you know," Riku said gravely, "that I'm very mature for my age. I'm only twelve years-old and I can stay by myself for a week!"
"No," the Mayor said.
"Come on! I'll be careful, I'm very, very, very, responsible."
"Yes you are, but no."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?" he fluttered his lashes.
"Look, kiddo, the thing's a knockoff. It's badly made, and very likely to snap in two if someone were to ever use the thing. Even if you weren't a child, I couldn't give it away knowing this."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
He continued to ask the Mayor for the sword during the whole day, until finally she threatened to call his father and tell him to come and get him.
"And you know what that means," she threatened.
"Look, we're both reasonable people. What would it take to get you to let go of that sword that you don't even want anyway?"
The Mayor clenched her fists and prayed for strength. She relaxed and smiled.
"Okay," she grinned from ear to ear, "Honestly? I'd think about letting it go for a bottle of cobra venom."
"Seriously?"
"Oh yes, very useful stuff."
"Thanks, Mayor!" and he left the Mayor in peace.
The first place he headed was his father's study. There were lots of books about the kinds of animals found around the world. He wasn't simple, he knew the Mayor thought he'd give up just because cobras weren't native to Destiny Island.
"Let's see… cobra, cobra– ah! 'Family: Elapidae, several genera… they inhabit desert regions and tropical regions,' that's good news. 'Conservation efforts… largest tree-cobra population–"
"Happy Funtime Island," Baralai said peeking over Riku's shoulder. "What's this? Are you working on a school assignment?"
"Oh, yeah," he lied. "Environmental studies. I was just doing a report on the disappearing tree cobra populations." He patted himself on the back for his inventiveness.
"Don't know why anyone would want to save the things on Happy Funtime Island, they're mutants you know. There used to be some kind of mining operation there and all the chemicals warped the genetic make-up of the animals." Happy Funtime Island was Destiny Island's only other neighbor besides the Isle of Man.
"But the tree-cobras, they're still venomous, right?"
"I think that's about the last thing God would ever change about those accursed things," Baralai said.
"So hypothetically, could you extract the venom from the tree cobras?"
"Oh yeah! People do that all the time, it's how the anti-venom is made. Some people make a living off the stuff, they keep a huge number of snakes around and milk them every so often and sell the venom to mages, healers, doctors…"
"I see… Thanks, Dad!" he dashed out of the house and headed for the docks.
Maybe he wouldn't have to deal with the snakes himself after all. All he had to do was get to the school computer lab and look up one of those companies. Then the Mayor could have her venom and he could have himself an honest-to-goodness sword! He could hardly wait to start hacking at things.
"I like swords, I like swords," Riku sang softly while he surfed the web.
"Hey, Riku!" Selphie sat down at the computer next to him. "I didn't know you were coming here, or I'd have taken the ferry with you."
She was still relatively new to the Island, still an outsider, and so he didn't know if she could be trusted. He closed his browser window nervously.
"Why'd you jump like that? Were you looking at porn?" she asked pointblank.
"No!" his voice cracked. She smiled mischievously.
"You were, weren't you?"
"Of course not! I was just doing a little independent research–"
"Riku likes de boobies!" she teased.
"Shut up!"
"Boobies!" she snickered.
"Lower your voice!" He could see the after-school library aid looking over the rows at them and a couple of people were staring.
"Oh! Stop undressing me with your eyes!" she said a little louder and giggled.
"Is there a problem here?" the librarian herself stood over them, her good eye fixed on Riku's bright red face.
"No, m'am," Selphie said humbly, "I'm sorry. We'll keep it down."
"See that you do, Miss Tilmitt, I'd hate to have to call your guardians."
"Yes, m'am." Satisfied, the librarian left them alone.
"You're kind of a pain," Riku said.
"Of course! I'm a punk, nyah!" she stuck her tongue out at him.
"I don't know about that, you were groveling pretty hard there."
"That's because Bob and Miriam threatened to send me to military school if I got in trouble…" she sneered.
"You'd better just toe the line, kiddo!" Bob said, shaking his finger in her face.
"You think your poor parents have anywhere else to send you?" Miriam asked severely.
"Next stop: military school!" Bob unrolled the flyer for Trabia Military Academy, the ad guaranteed high levels of suckage for misbehaving children.
"You think they've got music class, or school dances, or garden socials in military school? Hmm? Hmm?" Miriam demanded.
"Is it true you were nominated for the Most Likely To Climb A Tower And Pick People Off With A Rifle While Wearing A Clown Suit category of the yearbook?" Selphie asked.
"No," Riku slammed his book bag shut.
"I'm on the yearbook staff, I could get you nominated if you want."
"I have to go," he said grumpily. He could always come to school early and pick up where he left off.
"That sword will be mine!" he vowed bitterly when it started to rain while he waited for the ferry.
"You're late," his father said disapprovingly when he sloshed his way up the front steps. "I don't cook for myself you know."
"I know, I know," Riku dumped the water out of his shoes and put them in the closet.
"I received the most interesting call from the school just a moment ago."
"What did they want?" Riku sat down and started shoveling food into his mouth.
"Well, erm, it seems that…" Baralai looked intently at his silverware for moment. "Well, first of all, according the librarian the computer you were using has been logged into several adult sites."
"Oh, I…. What?" He looked at his father in shock, and he knew he must've looked completely guilty. Baralai tried his best to look understanding about the whole thing.
"My words exactly. I asked her if she was sure it was you, and she said you were the only one using that computer this afternoon."
"Selphie!" Riku slammed his hand on the table. "She must've done something to the computer after I left! She thinks she's so funny. I swear it wasn't me!"
"Well, the librarian wanted to us to go see the principal about this–"
"No!" The whole town would know.
"But I told her I'd handle this myself. Now…" he paused nervously again. "Well, I know you're getting to that age where you– you're curious about certain things–"
"No! No! No!" Riku shrank down into his chair.
It probably was a good thing he didn't get that sword today, because he'd be tempted to chop Selphie into teeny-tiny pieces with it.
Now that the computer lab was off-limits to him that left him with only one path– the direct one. Saturday morning found him on Fisherman's Beach next to the dock.
"Hey, Riku!" he tensed at the sound of that voice. "Whatcha doin'?"
Selphie leaned against the rowboat he was pushing towards the water.
"I'm busy," he snapped. "And what you did yesterday was not funny."
"Hey, don't be mad, I was just playing around," Selphie said. "Where're you going?"
"Happy Funtime Island," he said. "Now go away."
"Can I come?"
"No!"
"But why? What's on Happy Funtime Island?" she kept switching gears so quickly and his curtness had no visible effect on her buoyancy.
"Nothing," he grumbled.
"Then why are you going there?" she smiled mischievously.
"Go away."
"You're such a reactionary fel-low," she sighed. She got off the rowboat and skipped away. He felt happier already.
That sword was as good as his!
"Wow," Riku looked up and down the empty beach as soon as he landed on Happy Funtime Island, "This took longer than I thought it would." He took a bag out of the boat and headed for the trees.
"Hey, Riku!" he spun around. Selphie stood on the prow of another rowboat as Tidus and Wakka rowed along.
"You shouldn't be out here," Wakka said as soon as he stepped onto the beach. "There are tree-cobras and chupacabras on this island."
"Chupacabras," Riku said with smirk. He folded his arms haughtily. "Those are just an urban legend."
"No they aren't!" Wakka said gravely, "They'll rip your face off and then desecrate your corpse before their hideous unholy altar to their evil god!"
"Bah!" Riku said, "That's just a story the parents like to tell the kids to keep 'em away from here! And as for the cobras, I'm not afraid of a few little snakes."
"They get really big on this island," Wakka said.
"They're mutants!" Tidus added.
"Rrright," Riku said bravely. "Well, I'd like to stay and protect you guys from the nonexistent monsters and the "mutant" snakes, but I've got something I've gotta do." He turned and headed for the trees.
"You'll be sorry," Tidus warned.
"Sure I will," Riku muttered.
He walked into the dense wall of jungle and looked around for any sign of the tree-cobras.
Almost immediately he hit pay dirt; coiled around the lower branches of the trees were thousands upon thousands of very large reptile bodies, sleeping off their latest meal. Riku picked out the lowest slumbering cobra and slowly reached out...
Now many people are probably saying to themselves: wouldn't it be typical if the snake woke up just as Riku was about to clamp down on its neck (insofar as snakes have necks?) But Riku was much too practiced at catching garden snakes, he had the snake by the neck and stuffed it into the bag before it had time to ask him what he thought he was doing.
"Hey everybody! Wake up! That kid just snake-napped Murray!" he heard a voice say. He turned around and around but he couldn't locate the owner.
"We just had our last meal yesterday," another voice hissed. Riku looked up. All of those thousands upon thousands of tree cobras popped their heads up and stared at him.
"This is a job for the chupacabras!"
"Talking snakes?" Riku whimpered. He could hear mumbling from the bag he held.
"But they complained last time when we didn't help them catch it," another snake said. "Let's blind this one, maybe that'll shut them up."
"Yeah!"
"Ready."
"Aim."
Riku didn't stick around.
"AIEEEE!" he screamed as he tore out of the jungle. "Snakes! Talking snakes! Snakes that talk!" he babbled to the three standing on the beach.
Tidus pointed towards the trees, a look of terror lighting up he features.
"Chupacabras!"
"Quick, everybody, under the boat!" Wakka flipped the rowboat over and they dove beneath it just as the furry, long-limbed bodies of the chupacabras slammed into the boat. The monsters flailed at the wooden underside.
Four pairs of eyes opened in the dark.
"Oh," Riku said, "if only I had a sword…"
"Or a gun," Tidus said, "that would've been practical."
"Now what are we going to do?" Selphie asked.
"Ow! Okay, who elbowed me in the face?" Wakka asked.
"Not me," Riku said.
"Not me," Tidus said.
"Not… okay, it was me," Selphie said, "Sorry. I panicked."
"Okay, need a plan," Wakka said quietly. "Need a plan, need a plan," he started to chant that over and over.
Tidus began to sniffle.
"Did you see their cold, dead eyes?" he asked timidly. "We're gonna die… Just like... Missus Nesbitt!" his breath started to hitch.
"No we're not. Don't worry," Selphie said soothingly. Tidus sobbed uncontrollably.
"Stop that! That's not gonna help," Riku said.
"Leave him alone, he's just a little boy," Selphie snapped. "What was that? Something just touched my leg."
Riku checked the bag.
"Uh-oh," he said.
"Uh-oh?"
"Guys, now don't panic," Riku said calmly.
"Gee, Tidus, w-what reptilian eyes you have," Selphie said fearfully. All three eyes looked to the new pair of eyes hovering in the dark.
"What?" Tidus opened his eyes and then there were five pairs of eyes floating in the darkness.
"Oh," Wakka said, "That's just great."
"I've got everything under control," Riku said.
"Sure you do," Murray the tree-cobra said.
TBC