"When Honkers Collide"
His name was Honker Muddlefoot.
He knew this. He knew many things; probably more than anyone else in his school. Although just now, he didn't know why he couldn't move.
He remembered what had happened- the horrific experience leading up to Now- how his clone had taken over. How he'd been covered up with a blanket and left alone, sitting in the corner of the room like a toy.
In retrospect, a cloning machine was not such a great idea for a science project after all... he really should have known that Tank would get involved...
"Keen gear! What does it do?"
Honker cleared his throat. "Well... it's meant to replicate the entire systems of organisms by examining and replicating their DNA. I don't think I've got it working quite right yet- Only the plants have come out right-"
Gosalyn was staring at him. "Um... it does what?"
"Um, well..." He tried to think of something to help Gosalyn understand. "Did you see 'Jurassic Muck'?"
Her face lit up in understanding. "HONK! You're cloning dinosaurs?"
"No! Just plants." He indicated the vegetation on the desk in his room. There were two of several different kinds of plants. "I thought about trying something with mice, but I was afraid something would go wrong. I'm still not sure I've got the right balance in the clones- in fact it'll take a lot more testing before I tell."
Gosalyn wasn't paying much attention, and Honker wasn't surprised. She was looking at the plants. "Cooooool... this totally beats the 'Amazing Life of MOLD' idea my Dad had for me!" She pressed a button on the control panel of the machine. "Hey, it's busted."
Honker surprised her by shouting, "Don't do that!" She pulled her hand away, shocked, and stared at him. "Um- sorry, Gosalyn. It's not broken.. it's just that I keep it unplugged so that nothing happens while I've got my back turned." Gosalyn figured out what he meant, and grinned apologetically.
"How does it work, anyway?"
"Well..." Honker made sure that all the switches were off, then put on a pair of gloves. He went to the base of the machine and plugged it into the socket that was under his desk. Then he took a plant in a red pot labeled "1", and placed it on the desk under what looked to be a lamp of some sort. Then he stepped to the side and fixed the dials to certain levels. Gosalyn watched carefully, without a single clue as to what he was doing. "It's important to wear gloves when I do this," he said, "Or else the machine may pick up a genetic imprint of mine." He flicked a switch labeled "on/off", and a light flared from the lap. When it faded down again, there was another potted plant, perfectly identical to the original, to the left of its prototype. It was just at the edge of the range of the light from the lamp.
"Wooooowwwwwww," said Gosalyn. Honker picked the new plant up, added an "a" next to the "1" on the side of the pot, and then placed them both with the others. "Hey, Honk. Could this thing clone... you know... people?"
She sounded so eager when she said this that Honker knew exactly what she was thinking. "It's dangerous, Gosalyn. I'm not sure the person would even be whole, or--"
"Well, there's one way to find out, right?"
He shook his head. "Gosalyn... I can't play around with cloning people. It's unethical."
"Not even with a willing subject?"
"Um... no."
She must have understood that he was serious, so she stopped asking. He was relieved. If she had kept asking, he'd have eventually agreed. She looked at her watch. "Oh, shoot, I gotta get home for dinner. I'll see ya tomorrow. And if you change your mind about that cloning thing, call me!" With that, she gave him a friendly slug on his shoulder, and left the room.
Honker did his homework, and ate dinner, and did more of his homework. Then he set about working on his project. Eventually there was a knock on his door, and Tank came in without waiting to be invited. "Hey, Honk, whatcha doin'?" he asked.
Honker wasn't sure whether to trust Tank or not. After all, if he acted interested in what Honker was doing, it was usually because he was getting ready to humiliate him. Very rarely was he actually interested. But, then again, what was he going to do? Lie? Tank was his brother. "Um, well, this is my science project. It clones living organisms by examining their DNA structure and then--"
"Oh, a science project, eh?" Uh-oh. When Tank started using that tone of voice, Honker was always in trouble. "Guess it would be too bad if something... happened to it, huh?"
"Tank, please! I've worked really hard on this!"
"Oh, I know! And I wouldn't dream of doing anything bad to it!" Tank looked at the structure closely for a few moments, and then casually leaned back against the wall it was standing against, took hold of Honker's desk, and pushed on it.
The desk slid over several feet.
The cloning machine didn't. It crashed to the floor.
Tank looked gleefully shocked. "Oops! Oh, now look at what I've done!" he said in a sing-song voice. "Well, gotta go! G'night, Honkbrain!" He walked across the room to the door, guffawing.
Honker ran to his machine and just stared at it for a few seconds. Why? Why did this always have to happen? Why didn't someone stop it? He shook his head.
Tank watched him, and then a small light seemed to go on in his mind. He reached across to the on-off switch and flicked it into "on" mode. This should cause some interesting complications. With that, he left.
Honker spent most of the rest of the night fixing the machine. He fell asleep from about 4 am until about 6, and then awoke in a panic and worked straight until just before he had to go to school. He got it finished at last, and sighed. It looked okay, although it was no longer standing on the desk- it was on the floor, and he was able to sit underneath it, but not stand. It should still work from this position, though. Maybe he had time for a test run. He plugged it in.
He must have blacked out for a second, because the next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor, and someone was staring down at him. Slowly he recognized himself. Oh, no- I cloned myself! he thought, and tried to get up. He couldn't move. The clone stared down at him with an unreadable expression, as the light reflected off of his glasses. He tried to say something, to let the clone know that he couldn't move, but he couldn't even make a noise. But if this were his clone, he should be good hearted- wouldn't he help him up?
The clone disappeared to another part of the room, then returned. Honker found a blanket thrown over his head, and a few moments later, he heard footsteps leading out of the room, and the door shutting gently.
He did not appreciate this turn of events. He was feeling a bit... irritated, to say the least. In fact, he was... angry. After all his work, his sweat put into this project, to have this happen to him... It wasn't fair!
His fingers twitched momentarily.
He forgot his anger. He had moved! Not much, naturally, but... maybe he was recovering from the shock! He tried to do it again, and failed. His heart sank.
The door creaked open, and he heard footsteps enter the room, and a high-pitched voice humming tunelessly. Mom! He still couldn't speak, but maybe he wouldn't have to. With any luck, she'd lift the blanket covering him, and help him herself.
He listened to her crossing the room, still humming tunelessly, until she was standing just to his right. "I wonder what this is for?" she said out loud. He waited for her to lift the blanket, but instead her heard sounds of her tapping at the body of his invention. Finally, she stepped away from him, saying, "Oh, that Honker... he can be so odd." She left the room, humming again.
He was stunned. Not by the fact that she'd called him odd; he was used to that now. Just by the fact that she was so... so... so blatantly stupid. That was is. He admitted it to himself for the first time- his family was stupid. Yes, the whole family.
His leg twitched.
He hated his situation. He hated his clone for doing this to him.
His fingers tightened into a fist.
He hated his mother for being stupid, and Tank for being so mean and breaking the machine, and his father just for being his father! They'd never appreciated him around here! He could dry up and die for all any of them ever seemed to care, and he hated that!
He lifted his arm stiffly and grabbed at the blanket covering his head, then - slowly - pulled it off. Then he stood up, intending to do something about this injustice that had been his life.
Gosalyn poked Honker on his shoulder as they walked home from the bus stop. "You don't look so hot. I thought I saw you actually yawn during science class today!"
Honker took a moment before answering to yawn again. "Um... I was up all night fixing my project."
"You got it working so that it could clone people now?" asked Gosalyn eagerly.
Honker flinched. "No... it got... um, broken last night." Honker shot a glance at Tank, who smirked at him and made a fist in his direction.
Gosalyn got the meaning of this. "Man, leave it to Tank, huh? He can't touch anything without breaking it," she said loudly.
Tank growled, "I heard that!"
"You were supposed to."
"You just dunno what's good for ya, do you, Honkbrain? Now you gotta hide behind a macho tomboy, who's dumb as a brick, just to save face!"
"Who's dumb as a brick?" exclaimed Gosalyn.
Honker sighed. He certainly hadn't meant to cause this.
"I can take you any day, Tank, and you got the bruises to prove it!"
"Oh, yeah? Then why don't you do somethin' right now!"
Gosalyn pushed her sleeves up her arms. "Maybe I will--"
Tank grabbed Honker's backpack. "-Or maybe the runt can come after me for this, huh?" He ran off with the pack.
Gosalyn shouted, "If you think that's gonna stop me, you got another think coming!"
"Gosalyn," said Honker tiredly, "I don't feel like running. Let's just get it back from him when we get home."
Gosalyn relaxed. "Man, Honk, you really need more backbone," she said, but seemed to accept his request.
They walked in a slightly tense silence for a few moments, until Honker blurted out, "Something happened this morning, Gosalyn. Something bad."
Gosalyn stopped walking, a concerned look on her face. "Worse than Tank?"
He nodded. "Much worse." He swallowed uneasily. "After I got the machine fixed up... I plugged it in again to make sure it would work. But Tank had turned it on before he left, and it came on while I was standing underneath it."
"You mean...?"
"I got cloned," he said with a nod. "I saw it happen. The whole thing. I saw the body grow, until it got as big as me. I.. I didn't know what to do, so I shook its shoulder to see if it was okay. But it didn't answer or move or anything. I guess... well, I guess it just cloned the body, but not the inside." He shuddered. "I had to get to school, so I covered the clone up with a blanket and left it in my room, but I don't know what to do with it! What if someone finds out? What if my mom finds it and thinks I'm dead?"
Gosalyn almost didn't seem to have heard him. "Wow... having a twin would be so cool! Hey, Honk, now you can do bad stuff and then put the clone there and let it take the punishment for you!"
"Gosalyn! That's not what this is about! When it works right, a clone is a whole separate living person... but this time it's just a body! What am I going to do?"
"Hmmm... C'mon, Honk, we'll talk to Dad. He can probably help us."
Tank ran into the house, panting. The sissies weren't following him! He snickered to himself and started up the stairs to his room, still carrying Honker's backpack. "Heh heh heh... Heh heh-" He stopped when Honker appeared at the top of the stairs and glared at him. "Wha- you- how did-"
"You're babbling," said Honker.
Insults were, of course, something Tank could handle. "Yeah? Well, you're ugly!" he said. "Anyway, I got your backpack, runt!"
Honker looked at him, and appeared almost surprised for a moment , and then glared. "So give it back."
"Ha! Make me!"
"I said, give it back, Tank."
"And I said, MAKE ME!"
"Alright." Honker looked at him calmly for a moment, never losing that unnerving glare.
Tank was surprised by this reaction. "...Huh?"
"Care to follow me?" Honker started down the hall towards his room. "Or are you... chicken?"
Why, that little--. "I'll show you who's chicken, runt!" He ran down the hall, after Honker, and into his room.
The door slammed.
Then, the screams started.
At the noise, Binkie looked up from making dinner. "Oh, my! I do hope the boys aren't playing too rough! Herb, could you go check on them?"
Herb stood up from his easy chair in the living room. "You betcha!" he called. He stood at the foot of the stairs and yelled, "Hey, sons, what's the ruckus up there?" There was no answer, so he started up the stairs.
The screams stopped suddenly. Then the door to Honker's room opened, and Honker stuck his head out and said, "Tank cut himself. I'm taking care of it."
"Oh! Well, just as long as you're not killin' someone, Honk!" Herb chuckled, and went back downstairs.
"Hm. Yes," said Honker, and slammed his door shut. Inside of his dimly-lit room, he wiped blood off of his apron, and then meticulously set about removing his rubber gloves. "You made a fine test subject, Tank," he said quietly. "Thank you for being so predictable. This should work quite admirably on that clone that you created."
Tank's only answer was an incoherent sob. Honker sneered. "Oh, don't be such a baby. Your thumbs will both heal... although they may set a little crooked. And you'll never miss that finger." Tank whimpered and sobbed again.
Gosalyn got up from her bed. "Did you hear that?" she asked.
Honker nodded, and stood up from his spot on the floor, but didn't move. Gosalyn went to the window and looked out, then gasped. "Honker- it's- it's you!"
Honker rushed to her side. He went totally pale. His clone was standing at the window to his bedroom, staring at them. At a loss as to what to do, he waved. The clone sneered angrily and yanked the curtains shut.
"He's alive!" said Honker in amazement.
"And he doesn't look very happy!" Gosalyn said. Honker frowned. "I guess spending the day under a blanket can do that to you," she added.
"Well- I didn't know!" Honker felt very bad about the whole situation. If only he'd known...
Gosalyn said, "At least this means Dad can get off the phone with that plastic surgeon."
Honker, after drawing the conclusion that he'd better get home at once, walked in through his front door about a minute later. His parents both looked surprised. "Honk! How'd ya get outside?" asked Herb.
"Um... Huh?"
Binkie smiled cluelessly. "We didn't hear you leave, Honker dear! We thought you'd gone back upstairs right after dinner!"
Oh, of course. The clone obviously ate with them. Honker decided, rather than take the time to explain the predicament to his parents, he'd just play along for now. "Um- well... I.. um..." Okay, so he tried to play along. It always went so smoothly for Gosalyn! Fortunately, his parents changed the subject for him.
"How's Tank doin', Honker? He still asleep up there?"
"Tank?" He remembered the noises from before, and suddenly didn't feel very good. "Um... earlier... did I seem a little... um.. weird at dinner?"
"Oh, no, dear! No weirder than usual!" Binkie stifled a yawn. "Hmm.. I must be coming down with something- suddenly I feel so..." She yawned again, and closed her eyes, then sort of slid to the floor.
"MOM!" Honker looked at Herb, who had also fallen asleep in his easy chair. It could have almost been a normal night at home- except they'd never fallen asleep that quickly before.
The house went dark all of a sudden.
Honker froze like a deer caught in the headlights. He thought to himself, then, that this analogy wasn't quite right, since he wasn't quite as big as a deer, and maybe a comparison with a squirrel would be more appropriate, but- He realized he was being absurd. He ran to the phone to find that it had been cut. My clone- he's not working right! he thought, panicked.
"It's sleeping powder," said the clone from somewhere in the room.
Honker found himself responding as if they'd been in conversation for some time now. "What is?"
"What I used on my parents." The clone's voice sounded so angry over something.
"They're my parents too," said Honker.
There was a snort of derisive laughter in the darkness. "Not hardly, you life-stealer."
"What do you mean? Who's life did I steal?"
The clone suddenly screamed. "Mine, you fool! Oh, don't think I didn't realize. You sapped my energy when you were created. I still haven't quite figured out how, but-"
"You think I'm the clone!" said Honker, realizing suddenly. With that realization his stomach contracted. He seemed to be in quite a bit of trouble.
"Oh, Mr. Perception," the clone muttered.
Honker could see a dark blob standing a few feet away from him. The darkness contorted the shape of the clone, making him look like a small troll. He wished the lights would come back on, and that his parents would wake up. He was out of his element. "Listen, this is just a misunderstanding! You're the clone, and you weren't even supposed to happen! What happened, was that Tank--"
"Tank broke the machine? And I stayed up all night fixing it, only to have my identity stolen?"
What? "Um- not exactly-"
The clone screamed again, and Honker jumped. "Don't twist the truth! I know what you're going to do. You're going to run out that door and get Darkwing Duck to stop me, aren't you, you little skunk. By now you've probably turned all my friends against me."
Well, of course that was what he'd been about to do, theoretically, anyway... but he couldn't seem to move just now, so the point was moot. He had an idea that, if he started for the door, the clone would chase after him like a dog or something and rip him into shreds.
"Well, if you go, Honker," the name was said as if it were some sort of joke, "your parents won't be here when you get back. Well... maybe parts of them will." The clone gave a morose chuckle.
Honker was positively horrified. "But- you- they're your parents too-"
"And why should I care? They never loved me. You've got my memories- you should know that. They're too stupid to care. But, hey. Tell you what. You give me my life back, and I'll let them live. Sound like a deal?"
"I- I can't give you your life back! It was never your life to begin with!"
The clone laughed again, and then the silhouette Honker had been staring at was gone. He blinked and saw it moving towards the stairs, sort of flashing in and out of sight as Honker's eyes tried to adjust to the motion. "Care to prove that?" said his voice, from the stairs. "Just follow me. We can settle this like men, upstairs." He started up the stairs.
Honker shrugged and followed. Upstairs, his room was even darker than the rest of the house. He nearly tripped over something in the middle of the floor, although he didn't remember leaving his room in such a mess. He bent to see what it was and was shocked to discover - "Tank?"
Tank looked at him, recognized him, and screamed.
"STOP IT!" screamed the other Honker, from somewhere in the room. "He's been doing that all day. And he calls me a baby." The lights came on suddenly. Honker came face-to-face with Tank, and saw the state of his hands. "NO!"
"You're just like I was," said his clone. "No backbone. Fortunately I changed all that. Found the way to move. Found my backbone." Honker looked at him. He really looked just like him, except for the circles the clone had under his eyes. "Nice, isn't it?" he said, pointing at the cloning machine. Except, Honker realized, it wasn't a cloning machine anymore. It looked like it had been extensively modified. "Worked on it all day. Sound familiar? How many times have I had to redo this machine now?" His voice became more and more shrill.
"Um..." This didn't seem like the right time to bring up the fact that, really, he was the one who fixed had it before, so Honker didn't bother.
The clone looked even angrier than before, and pushed Honker to the ground. Then he kicked him. While Honker was trying to catch his breath, his clone dragged him to the machine and shoved him into a sitting position against the wall where his desk had been. Right under the cloning lamp... except, when Honker looked up, he saw that the lamp had been removed and replaced by a sharp-looking guillotine.
The evil Honker tied his prototype's wrists to pulleys that had been hooked up on either side of him, and then carefully attached several wires to him. "Now...," he said, catching his breath. "This is designed to hurt you. Badly. Tank here can attest to it." Tank whimpered. "See that blade? It's razor sharp and will slice right through whatever it falls on." Honker had already noticed, rather unhappily, that it was over his head. He gulped and looked at the ground, and noticed that there was blood there already. He looked sympathetically at Tank's hands. "Meanwhile- as if that weren't enough- those pulleys there contract to tear you into two pieces. Another kind of cloning, maybe. And finally- those wires in you will use all the electricity in this house- to make you look like a Christmas tree." He grinned. "And all this happens... when I throw the switch." He pointed to the on-off switch, which Honker didn't need to look at to recognize.
Still looking at the floor, Honker saw a cord running beneath him. The plug to the machine, which, due to a failure in both of their planning, still ran right under the central point of the machine.
His clone began to count, "One... two..."
Honker reached over quickly just before he spoke "three", and managed to yank the cord out from the wall without causing his wrists too much strain. He heard his clone yell, "Hey, wait a minute!" Then he had the air knocked out of him as the clone ran into him, trying to reach the cord. Honker kicked at the aggressor, trying his best to keep him away from the power cord. He yanked the wires off of himself, and scrambled to untie his hands.
Tank stood up. He was still crying- he'd never stopped. He staggered towards the door, his hands shaking, and then stopped. He turned around and approached the machine's on-off switch. With his elbows, he flicked it to the "on" setting.
Honker got one of his hands free, finally, and hit at the clone. He tried to kick him at the same time, and ended up falling over. The resulting yank on his arm that was still bound was not pleasant. He pulled as far away from the death trap as he could, continuing to kick at his clone. But the clone ignored it and finally got his hands on the plug. "You're in for it now, you madman!" he snarled, and jammed the plug back in the socket.
The blade fell. And of course, it fell on the one who was standing directly underneath it.
Honker was yanked forward by the pulley his arm was still attached to. He heard something snap, and pain flared up his arm, but he winced more at the screams of the clone. Tank screamed, too. The lights flickered and went out. Then the screams ended.
"What a... weird story. If it weren't for that mess at your house, Honker, I don't think I'd ever believe it," said Drake, in a hospital waiting room some time later. He shuddered, apparently thinking of "the mess".
"Believe it, Dad," said Gosalyn. "Honker doesn't have enough of an imagination to make something like that up. Now, me on the other hand..."
"Oh, I know all about that, Gosalyn, believe me," said Drake.
Honker tried not to move quickly. His ribs hurt where he'd been kicked, but his broken arm hurt more. The cast felt awkward and heavy. He looked over at Tank, whose hands were bandaged up. One was set in a cast. He was sitting on his own in a corner. "Tank?" he asked. Tank looked up and winced when he saw Honker coming. "Thanks, Tank," he said.
"Yeah, well... I didn't do it for you, ya know."
"I know," said Honker. "But thanks anyway."
Tank grunted. "That was a pretty stupid science project, Honknose."
"I know. But it's better than the one I thought of first," he said.
"What was that?"
"Crossing various species together."
Tank looked blank.
"Making mutants, Tank."
"Oh."
Gosalyn wandered over. "What about making mutants?"
Drake called, "None of that, young lady! Not while I'm around!"
"Oh... but Dad..."
Honker and Tank both rolled their eyes.
The End
Story © 1996 by R. Littlehales. All characters are © the Walt Disney Co., and are used without permission. This story is not intended to infringe on the rights of the W.Disney Co, nor is it intended to make a profit. The story may be reproduced with my permission, but no profit may be made from it.