Riku versus the Cobra Part IV
AN: A big warm thank you to Jupiter-Lightning and Xover-girl.
Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...
The miners that used to inhabit Happy Funtime Island had a rabid love of boxing. So it was agreed that the fight should take place at the old arena.
Within an hour every seat was full. If the creatures weren't interested in the fight, they were very interested in getting a look at Agar and his affianced (and her best friend, who everyone claimed was a dead-ringer for a young Meg Ryan.)
"Popcorn! Popcorn! Get yer popcorn!" a cobra with a cleverly rigged tray of snacks wriggled by.
"Selphie want anything?" Agar asked.
"I don't know," Selphie said, nervously staring at the creature gallery around her and Tidus. "Does he have any gummi bears?"
A bag of gummi bears hit her in the chest.
Down by the ring Riku perused a large selection of weapons. Chain saws, broken bottles, hatchets, rusty hooks, a beautifully restored World War II Glock… None of this was his style.
"Do you have any swords?" he asked.
"Riku, how do you think you'll do in tonight's fight?" a cobra pushed a microphone into his face. Before he could answer, Wakka put an arm around his shoulders and started babbling at the camera.
"The little guy worked hard all during the off-season, there was some concern that last year's injury would bench him during the pre-season, but with the help of his teammates and his coach and a diet of nothing but shrimp and potato chips I think he's ready to show the world that he's a contender."
"What are you doing?" Riku said.
"Are you his coach?" the cobra asked.
"Yes ma'am," Wakka said.
"No he's not!" Riku slapped Wakka's arm away and looked at the camera. "Is this really being broadcast?"
"Scuse me," the camerama– I mean, snake faltered. "I just threw up in mouth a little. I need some air."
Back on Destiny Island, Sora and Kairi were sitting around and flipping through the channels. It wasn't often that they were allowed to use the good television and Sora's parents had cable! Sora's parents weren't home and they had free access to everything.
"What was that?" Kairi asked when Sora flipped past the channel (too-freaking fast to see the end of Riku's interview (why do guys do that?)) "Go back!"
"What? This?"
On the screen a couple of cobra's wearing bow ties sat coiled behind a desk with rough letters nailed to it to spell out "SPORTSCENTER."
"It's just some weird puppet show that shows up on this channel every now and then."
"Tonight's challenger has a lot going for him," the snake with the pince nez spectacles said.
"That's right," the other agreed. "Opposable thumbs, moxie, and a pungent BO that would knock a swarm of blowflies outta the air."
"But at only four foot two, does this fey little scrapper have a chance against twelve feet of instinct-driven muscle, needle-like fangs and a shot of poison that can kill 20-30 humans?"
Kairi flipped through the tv guide to see what this program could be, but something even better caught her eye.
"Hey! Batman is on!"
"I don't want to watch Batman."
"Sora?" Kairi fluttered her eyelashes. "Please?"
"Oh. Okay," he said reluctantly. "Geez, it's like you've got a crush on him or something."
The crowd went wild as Murray slithered into the ring. Riku ambled up into the ring, tripping over the ropes that lay all over the place.
"Okay, remember…" Wakka hesitated.
"Remember what?"
"I don't know, I was going to say something like "Something bee, something something.""
"You're no help."
"Just don't get bit!"
"Welcome to the battle of the century!" the announcer boomed. "In this corner standing at six feet and weighing– I don't know– twenty pounds? Murray!" Murray reared up and acknowledged the crowd.
"Boo!" Tidus and Selphie yelled.
"And in the opposite corner, standing four feet and two inches, tonight's challenger… Riku!"
The crowd jeered at Riku.
"Go back to civilization!" someone yelled and threw a half-filled box of popcorn into the ring.
"I'm tryin' to!" he yelled back.
The chupacabra serving as referee beckoned them to the center of the ring.
"Blech! Blah-bleh blblblblbl!" it said. The bell rang.
"Uh, okay," Riku said.
The cobra and the boy circled each other cautiously. Murray stayed low and feinted every few seconds, before he darted at Riku.
His friends screamed, the crowd groaned. Riku felt Murray hit him just at the shoulder, a stinging bite but he didn't fall over dead.
"Ooh, just a dry bite folks," the announcer said. The crowd cheered Murray and he took a lap around the ring, egging them on.
"Murray! Murray! Murray!" the crowd screamed.
"I'm a star!" Murray cooed, little stars twinkled around his eyes.
With a shout Riku grabbed the end of the distracted cobra's tail, just like he'd seen those herpetologists on tv do.
"Hey!" Murray was thrown off-balance. Riku considered swinging the cobra around his head, but Murray moved too quickly and plunged his fangs into his arm.
"Riku! No!" Selphie screamed and dropped her gummi bears.
"And it looks like another dry bite! Murray continues to toy with his challenger!" the announcer said.
"That was your last warning," Murray hissed. "The next–"
He didn't get to finish. Riku's eyes rolled back into his head and he flopped to the ground and convulsed.
"And that looks like the end of this fight," the announcers said. The crowd cheered and threw popcorn. Selphie and Tidus held each other and cried. "Next we'll be taking you to the post match special, featuring the wedding of our god: Agar! Long live merciful Agar and his beautiful and talented new bride, Ms. Selphie Tilmitt. Goodnight everyone!"
"Selphie? If I'm your maid of honor, does that make me your best friend?" Tidus asked as they were led away.
"It's all my fault!" Selphie cried. Tidus patted her on the back.
"Don't worry," he whispered. "This is the part where everyone thinks the hero is dead, but really he's just faking so he can save the day when the villain least expects it!"
Selphie hugged him and wailed.
"What should we do with this one?" the chupacabras pushed Wakka along to join the wedding party.
"Let's eat him!" someone said.
"No!" Tidus threw himself in front of Wakka. "Don't eat him! He's my friend!"
"He's uh," Selphie collected her wits quickly, "my cousin! By marriage. You can't eat family."
"Very well," Agar said. "Cousin will attend wedding."
"And give his blessing," Selphie said.
"No!" Wakka looked at her like she was crazy.
"There," Selphie said. "I can't get married without my cousin's blessing! But I'm sure he'll change his mind if had a couple of weeks to get to know you…"
"Agar thinks Selphie is stalling," Agar said. "But if that's what Selphie wishes… Cousin! You give blessing or die right now." A group of cobras circled Wakka and hissed at him.
"Dang it," Selphie said quietly.
"Okay! Okay! Mommy!" Wakka shrieked.
"Shoo! Shoo!" Tidus flapped his hands at the snakes.
"Good. Wedding now," Agar said.
"Wait! I don't have a thing to wear!" Selphie tried again as she was dragged away.
The snakes held a short victory celebration, wherein one joker drew a chalk outline around Riku's body, and then the snakes cleared out to attend their god's wedding. They all left Murray alone to eat his winnings.
"There's got to be something I can do about the smell," Murray spit for good measure. "And biting him! Ugh. So unpleasant." He slithered away to find some pepper.
Riku popped an eye open and checked his surroundings. Betcha didn't know that Riku held the town record for being able to hold his breath the longest.
First thing he had to do was get Murray out of the way for good. He looked around the leftover debris in the arena. He found empty candy bags, popcorn containers, beer cans, a set of dentures (?) and several tons of gum wrappers.
"Come on, think!" he sat down on the barrel by the corner of the ring to do so, and an idea came to him as soon as his rump hit the top of the empty barrel and he fell in.
He struggled out of the barrel, ran to the open door and grabbed a very big rock from outside. After dropping the rock next to the barrel he leapt into the ring and settled into his chalk outline.
Murray slithered back into the arena with salt and pepper shakers in his mouth.
"Okay. The shoes have to go, can't stomach the tread on those things," Murray said to himself. He untied Riku's shoes and pulled them off. "There!"
Riku's nose twitched when the pepper hit him in the face.
Murray stopped shaking the pepper and leaned close to Riku's face.
"Boo!" Riku said (he couldn't help himself,) and he grabbed Murray by the throat. Murray thrashed as Riku dragged him to the barrel. He grabbed Murray's tail and forced it into the barrel, and then it was a simple matter of turning the barrel over and trapping Murray inside!
But it wasn't that easy, Murray put up a terrific struggle.
Riku finally smacked Murray's head against the floor, stunned the poor thing, pushed him under the barrel, and finished the job by dropping the rock on top of the barrel to keep Murray from escaping.
Better make sure.
Riku piled more rocks on top of the barrel and left Murray to think about what he'd done.
The wedding went ahead as planned, and for an impromptu ceremony thrown by a bunch of mutant freaks on a deserted island it was frickin' beautiful. The bride wore a big ruffly dress, the maid of honor was adorable in her little white gloves and bonnet.
Everyone cried.
Selphie tried to bolt when the minister got to the part about kissing the bride, but Agar stepped on her enormous train. The kiss was indescribably disgusting, Tidus may very well have been traumatized for life (add the fact that he was forced to wear a dress because everyone mistakenly believed he was a she and all doubt should be removed.)
"There is no god," Wakka said and he cried a single tear.
Selphie's hair had an extra curl to it when the kiss ended. She was really pale, she didn't move, and she didn't make any attempt to wipe Agar's spit off her face.
They sat together at the reception. Selphie stared straight ahead, her expression unchanged since the unholy kiss. Wakka stared at his plate and Tidus kept looking at Selphie.
"Well," Wakka sighed. "It… could be... worse? Maybe?"
"I think he slipped a little tongue into that kiss," Tidus declared.
"Oh, gross!" Wakka squealed and he couldn't look at Selphie anymore. Selphie wept quietly into her hands.
"I deserve it. Poor Riku. It's all my fault," Selphie cried.
"Don't cry, Selphie," Tidus said. He slipped the strap of his dress back up on his shoulder and took his bonnet off. "Riku's gonna show up any minute now."
"No, it's my fault," Wakka said. "We should've gone back to the island for help when we had the chance!"
"But we had to be heroes," Tidus said moodily.
They sat quietly while the party continued without them. Several chupacabras challenged Agar to a chugging contest and if they weren't wrapped up in that spectacle the creatures were dancing to the music of their live band: The Fantanas.
"Hey guys," Tidus said. "I don't think anybody's watching us."
Wakka looked around.
"You're right."
They looked at each other and then dove beneath the table and crawled away.
In a rare turn of good fortune they made it to the jungle and fled like scared bunnies.
"What about Riku?" Tidus stopped and asked. Wakka just picked him up and threw him over his shoulder. It was slow going with Selphie's huge wedding gown getting caught every few steps.
"Just tear it off!" Wakka said.
"I'm trying, but it's hard to do that and run at the same time!" They stopped.
"Here," he picked up the edge and tried to tear it, but no matter how hard they worked at it the material would give. "Oh never mind!" he picked up as much of the dress as he could carry with Tidus and they continued, just a tiny bit faster, on their way.
Riku thought he saw a cloud running across the ground through the trees.
"What's all this?" Riku burst out of the trees onto the path and scared them all. Selphie screamed loudly.
"See?" Tidus gloated. Wakka dropped him.
"You're alive!" Selphie hugged him and sneezed. "Have you been rolling in pepper?"
"Shh! You hear that?" Riku said.
They heard voices calling from further up the path.
"They're coming!" Selphie ducked behind Riku fearfully.
"Let's get to the boats and get outta here!" Wakka picked up Selphie's dress again and they ran for the beach.
Fortunately for them they didn't meet anyone on their way to the beach. It was nearing dusk now, which meant they'd get home by sunset.
They got into their last rowboat, or they tried to, Selphie's dress had too much fabric to fit in the tiny vessel.
"Take that ridiculous thing off!" Wakka said.
"Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you!" she snapped back.
"Just tear the bottom off," Riku said. He had as much success in that endeavor as Wakka and Selphie had earlier.
"If only we had something to cut it," Tidus said.
"Like, I don't know, a sword?" Riku said. "Take off the dress, Selphie."
"Forget it!"
"Fine, then stay here."
"No!" Selphie and Tidus said together.
"Look, Selphie," Wakka took off his shirt and gave it to her. "You can wear my shirt and we'll sneak you back into your house without anyone seeing you."
"I don't know… You realize that Bob and Miriam would die if they caught me, um…"
"Yeah, but you don't really think staying here and starting a, a, a family with Agar is an option, do you?" he said reasonably. Riku tapped his foot impatiently.
"No," she agreed. "Turn around you guys. And don't laugh at my undies– don't even look at me the whole way back! Got it?"
To Be Concluded