Batman and the associated characters are owned by DC. James Bond and the associated characters were created by Ian Fleming. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me and thanks to all the reviewers and readers so far! All reviews welcome.

Golden Bat – Chapter Sixteen

The sword skewered towards 007. Bond twisted his body to one side and pulled the rug he was sitting on, making Speen stagger. He grabbed Speen's left ankle with his hand and tugged. Speen shouted as he fell. Bond snarled as he grabbed him by the throat and pushed him down. He punched him once. Twice. Three times until he had stopped moving.

He got to his feet, still shaking as the adrenaline wore off, when Damian Alvey came leaping through the broken window and crashed against Bond.

The grenade rolled towards him. Batman kicked it towards the Joker yelling out a warning.

"Get down!"

The Joker turned around at this. "I'll ruin my jacket!" He saw the grenade and threw himself down with a splash in the sewer. The grenade exploded, dissipating the shadowy figure that was forming back into its component parts.

Batman ran to the sodden Joker and grabbed him by his lapels.

"Batty!" coughed the Joker. "So good to see you. You really should knock next time."

In one purple-gloved hand was the remote control for the bomb. Batman made a grab for it but the Joker wriggled free of the Batman and fell backwards against the wall.

"Say goodnight, Gracey!" he said and jabbed a finger down on the button…

A nuclear bomb in a city is a horrific thing. In just a couple of seconds the whole city would be covered in smoke and flame. People caught in the central blast would be atomised and people outside the central blast would have a lingering death over several weeks. Above the city would form a mushroom cloud that would tower to about 50,000 feet, higher than Everest, and last for about a day and would be seen for hundreds of miles. All in all, if people start playing around with them you wouldn't just want to be in a different country, you would want to be on a different planet; for preference one several thousand light-years from such a destructive species.

Fortunately for the people of Gotham the nuclear bomb had been disabled. Unfortunately for Gotham what had disabled it was still down there…

Batman grabbed the remote control that the Joker was jabbing down constantly with one finger and crushed it. He looked over at the nuclear warhead. A strange metal tube was in the tunnel and there was a thrumming sound coming from it as if it was alive.

The Joker stretched out a hand and a long stiletto knife appeared in it. Batman grabbed his wrist and shook it until he dropped it and then punched him in the jaw. The Joker was thrown against the wall. He grinned as he licked at the blood from his cut lip. "Come on, Batsy, you should be happy! You're still alive."

"You're coming with me." He grabbed the clown with one hand. Robin came running down the tunnel towards him.

"Batman, we got a problem!"

"What?" growled Batman.

"Those nano-droids have sealed the tunnel."

"Looks like we'll be tunnel buddies for a while!"

"Shut up." Batman examined the nuclear bomb. The nano-droids had eaten away the firing mechanism on it, presumably on purpose. What was left of the plutonium was still being used. It was sealed in a container so Batman removed it and attached it to his utility belt. "Come on, we're getting out of here."

"You first!" said the Joker. Then he looked at Batman's face. "On second thought, me first. I don't want to be staring at your dismal visage the whole way."

Behind them was a chittering sound as the nano-droids started to regroup and follow them.

The Joker seemed to dance up the tunnel. Robin made to follow him but Batman put a hand out to stop him. "Traps," he hissed. "Joker, stop."

"Oh, you don't want me to stop, dear boy!"

"Why?"

There was a clinking sound as several hand grenades rolled out of their hidden compartments towards them. "RUN!"

They raced up the tunnel. Dust came out of every open crevice as the explosions forced the ancient brickwork apart. With a rumbling sound that seemed to last an age the tunnel collapsed behind them. The tunnel they were in was filled with choking dust.

Batman grabbed the Joker by the collar. "Stay still!" He clinked a pair of handcuffs around the Joker's hand and his own hand. "You're staying with me. Come on." He pulled the Joker roughly up the tunnel.

"Chained to a flying rodent," said the Joker dreamily. "This is like a dream come true for me."

"Have you set any other traps up ahead?"

"Stop!" The Joker went even paler than he normally was. "Don't move."

"Why not?"

"You are standing on a Claymore, Batty."

Batman went white. "M18 Claymore, a directional fragmentation mine?"

"Yep."

"Activated by weight?"

"Indeedy.."

"Explodes when the weight is removed from the blasting cap?"

"Spot on."

"Casualty range 100 meters or more?"

"Bang on."

Batman said a word that would have made Alfred send him to bed without any supper.

Batman was knee deep in the storm water in the drain. "Can you see it, Robin?"

Robin looked down at his feet. "No, nothing there…" He ducked his head under the storm water and came back up in a couple of seconds.

"Yep, you're standing right on the blasting cap."

"Time for you to play the hero, Batty?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you give me the keys to the cuffs and you stay here, bird boy and I will ride off into the sunset."

"The keys are in the car. You put this mine here," said Batman, holding the Joker by his lapels. "You must know how to defuse it."

"What's the matter, Batso?" grinned the Joker. "Can't take a joke?" Batman growled at him. "You really should try breath mints, my dear. Of course I can stop it exploding."

"How?"

"We chop your leg off and leave it here, that way the pressure sensor won't go off." He shuffled his sleeve and a small knife appeared. "I came prepared!"

Selina braced herself for combat but the figure that came from the room was not quite the burly thug she was used to dealing with. It was a small woman with a lot of grey in her hair and, more to the point, a big saucepan in her hand.

"What have you done with my Alfred!"

Selina ducked the blow and adeptly removed the saucepan from her grasp. This did not stop all her weapons though and it was only due to her athleticism that she curved around a kick and a punch.

"What have you done with my Alfred!"

"Miranda! Miranda!" cried Alfred and ran towards her.

"Alfred," she said. "Where have you been? I'm afraid I've been a bad girl."

"What have you done?"

"Your lovely curry…"

"What about it?"

"I smashed your plate over the rude man with the gun who came in and then threw the saucepan at him."

"What was the screaming about?"

"That was me shouting at him for ruining for your lovely meal." Alfred looked past her to see Dane tied up on a chair and looking rather sorry for himself. Miranda had been giving him a real tongue lashing. She was just at the stage of berating his schooling and was just coming up to what course his life should have taken at eighteen. Sadly for him, he had another four years of a misspent life to be shouted at for.

Bond picked himself up from the wreckage of the table he had crashed through and shook himself to try and clear his head. Alvey rushed at him again. This time Bond was ready for him and twisted to one side as he passed and delivered a lethal blow to the back of his neck. Bond had only ever used this blow twice in his life and it always killed. Alvey fell to the floor in a heap.

Bond turned around from Alvey and picked up Speen by the collar. He quickly frisked him for weapons and was rewarded by two pistols and a vicious looking stiletto knife. There was a sound behind him and Bond threw the knife, catching Alvey between the eyes.

Speen started to whimper so Bond hit him again on the jaw and turned back to Alvey. He was still alive and judging by his face not in the best of moods.

Alvey ripped the knife from his head and picked up a table with one hand and threw it at Bond. With the minimum of movement needed, Bond sidestepped the table. Behind him it smashed in a cloud of splinters.

"I want Speen dead," said Alvey. "He killed my wife and child. Get out of my way."

Bond gave a half smile. "I need him alive."

Alvey was now gathering information from the millions of nano-droids that were scattered throughout Gotham. Some of them had gotten into the computer systems. "You're James Bond. British Secret Service."

"And you're Damian Alvey."

Alvey seemed to be looking into the middle distance as the information was streamed across his brain. "Licence to Kill." He looked back at Bond. "Shame I cannot die."

"I always like a challenge." Bond whipped out his gun and shot five times at Alvey. He twisted incredibly quickly to one side and the bullets missed him.

"You're not paying attention." Alvey grabbed Bond's gun and crushed it with one hand. He then pushed him through a plate glass window and into the sodden mess that was the garden…

The Joker was quickly but methodically cutting through Batman's boot. He sighed to himself; if he weren't handcuffed to the incredible exploding Batbore he would have fun chopping off his foot.

"I love your socks, Batsy."

"Just keep working."

"Have you seen my socks?"

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"I've got the Simpson's socks look!" He waggled a leg out at Batman and raised a trouser leg seductively.

Robin was levering several bricks out of the wall using a batarang. "What's that noise?"

Batman looked up and could see the tell tale haze of nano-droids forming above him.

"Don't move!" said the Joker. "I've nearly got this sorted out." He had cut through two sides of Batman's boot. "You see, we weigh down the boot with the bricks the Boy Blunder is supplying to us, then you remove your foot and we carry on our merry way."

"Will this work?"

"Probably not," shrugged the Joker. "But on the plus side you'll die before me." He thought about it a moment. "Well, possibly a millisecond before me, but you know me, I always look on the bright side of horrible dismemberment. Do you know what my stars said today?"

"Just get on with it."

The Joker spoke in a singsong voice. "The stars give you the gift of insight and compassion -- an extremely useful duo. Someone in your life needs a helping hand, and you're just the one to supply it. You're able to settle down and really listen to what they need to say. These do-gooder impulses can be addictive, soon you'll want to extend your aid and abilities not just to people in your immediate social circle, but to the community at large." He looked up at him. "True, you know! I'm a Gemini. What star sign are you?"

"Just get on with it." He hissed with pain.

The Joker grinned at him. "Sorry, my knife slipped." There was a small rivulet of blood running down Batman's leg. He shrugged. "Force of habit."

In front of Batman a misty shape was forming. This time it looked more like a man and it was even possible to make out the features on him. Alvey. The features changed and morphed into Batman and then the Joker, and finished with a white face with black holes where his eyes should be.

"Batman," hissed the voice. "We will kill you and take the plutonium from your body…"

The Joker looked up. "It's ghost boy again." He looked down at what he was doing. "Don't get talking to him, you'll never get away." He frowned as he thought of what happened to his gang. "Literally."