Riku versus the Cobra Epilogue
Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...
And so the children escaped from Happy Funtime Island, Riku and Wakka rowed the whole way back while Selphie huddled behind them and accused them of sneaking peeks at her. Riku was tempted to pitch her overboard. Most disturbing part of the trip was listening to Tidus sing songs about being a woman and watching him admire his dress and practice sitting with his legs crossed.
"Quit that!" Wakka told him half way home.
"Do you think I should get my ears pierced?" Tidus asked.
"I've got a tiara at home that would look so cute on you," Selphie said.
The boys helped Selphie sneak back to her house as promised, they even stood watch while she climbed into her room (except for Tidus, he kept twirling to see his dress flair.) Selphie threw Wakka' shirt out the window just as Bob pounded on her bedroom door.
"Selphie! What's that smell? Are you smoking in there?"
Riku walked home in defeat. He lost an entire day that he could've spent watching cable at Sora's house, he stank, and he had no shiny weapon to show for it.
To add insult to injury, he thought he saw the flowers in people's gardens wilt as he passed them.
He decided to go vent to the Mayor. He'd tell what he'd been through and that he didn't need her crummy sword!
"Hi Riku!" Kairi called when she saw him approach the porch. "Did you…oh god…" she covered her nose and mouth ran to the side of the house, where she ralphed on the lawn.
He could've cried.
"What the hell is that stench– my flowers are wilting!" he could hear Dr. Unne complain from the backyard.
Fighting tears, Riku ran home.
"What in the name of all that is clean and holy did you get into?" Baralai asked when Riku slammed the door.
"I don't want to talk about it," Riku mumbled.
"That kind of day, huh?"
"Yeah." He trudged off to the bathroom.
After he took a long shower they burned his clothes and aired out the house while they had dinner. Riku told the whole sorry story to his father– who didn't freak out at all. He seemed to understand.
"Well, son, you tried your best and you failed miserably. It's a great big part of being a grownup, living with the knowledge that no matter how hard you try you'll only succeed in maintaining the status quo.
In a way, you're a man now."
Riku digested this.
"That's the most depressing thing you've ever told me," he said. "That's a lesson? You can't be serious!"
"I didn't say you had to like it," Baralai said. "Well, now that you're a man you should have some coffee."
Riku sat up.
"Your "special blend"?"
"Yep." He poured half a bottle of whiskey and a dash of amaretto into the coffee pot and poured out two cups. "This'll put hair on your chest."
"Whoa," Riku took his first sip of "special blend" coffee.
"Aaaah! Fire! Fire! Fire!" Riku grabbed his throat. Baralai dumped the rest of Riku's coffee down the drain and gave him a glass of water. Riku gulped it down stuck his tongue out.
"It's an acquired taste," Baralai said.
"No kid– hey, my voice changed!" Riku said in his new mature voice.
They sat up all night watching tv instead.
The End.
Or is it?
Yes. It is.
A/N: I don't know what amaretto and coffee would taste like, I completely made that recipe up.
This was a really fun story to write, thanks to my two reviewers for your encouragement!