Adalyn Raas, Jedi Master, former exile, opened her eyes to a moonlit sky. Up above the silvery stars gazed down on her, some distant planets she'd visited, affected, perhaps even ruined. The last thought was commonplace to her, and she thought almost nothing of it, nothing of the pain that so casually filled her heart. She was used to it. And after almost a decade, who wouldn't have been?
Around her the high grass danced with the wind, and she smiled at the slight breeze involuntarily. Dantooine, though filled with hostile settlers, even more hostile kath hounds, and stodgy Jedi Masters had always had a calming effect on her. Perhaps it was the rolling hills, the sheer abandon nature seemed to have so subtly contained in one spot, or maybe it was only because she had spent so much of her life on it, even going as far as calling it home.
But the Jedi had no true homes; they went where the Force called them, and though she had always been a flighty spirit, always seeking adventure, the thought of stability, of timeless peace had appealed to her in a not so subtle way as well. Perhaps the ways of the Jedi were never for me, she'd often thought, and hell, even confided to Bao Dur. Perhaps she was truly an exile, had always been an exile, even when the order had welcomed her with open arms.
As they did now...
She let the thought slid past her; though she was not one to deny herself emotions-another thing that had convinced her she was not a true Jedi, by Jedi standards anyway-, she'd always known when the best time was to bring up certain subjects-at least when it came to her, that is- and in that moment she wished only to revel in the peace that filled her to the very brim, not worry about what she would say to those who expected her to stay.
Atton...
The thought entered her mind unbidden, and she expertly shoved it away. It wouldn't do to think of him, she surmised, it would only serve to jar her out of this so well crafted mood. But what was she to tell him? That she must simply "Go away"? That he would be left here all alone, waiting as Bastila waited for her Revan?
And Mical... What was she supposed to say? To her he was a bright spot in the galaxy, his innocence shining through the layers of darkness that had once covered the galaxy, once covered her. He loved her, she knew, in his own way, and if she were to leave-when she was to leave, she reminded herself- he would be diminished. They would all be diminished.
"And all for the sake of finding that blasted rogue Jedi," She sighed aloud. "Revan, what have you made of yourself. Where do you lie right now? And why did you choose to go alone? Why must I choose to go alone?"
She stared at the stars as if by some miracle they would answer her, but they simply winked back at her, in and out of focus, same as they had for a thousand years. She smiled, her face lighting up as she remembered the Padawan Revan, her friend of so long ago. He had shone, she remembered, not through his innocence as the disciple did. No, he shone with all the fury of the living Force. He had never truly been a Jedi either; she'd known that the moment they'd first met. He'd been dedicated, but it was not out of loyalty to the Jedi.
He'd been dedicated because the Jedi appealed to his own morals, his own character. And when he had changed... he'd left the order, and waged war with The Republic, in an attempt to both crush it under his heel, and save it. She'd often wondered who had been the true Revan. Had it been the idealistic young man who'd kissed her so spontaneously just before he left for the wars? Or had it been the Sith Lord, the one who'd dared to let her go as he grasped at the title of dark lord?
And why did he let me go? She wondered for the millionth time in her life. For surely he couldn't have felt anything but contempt for her the moment he realized she'd lost her connection to the Force. Surely he would have thought nothing of killing her as she opposed him, as she called him a monster, an abomination, as she'd cried for the return of her lover, her confidant, her best friend.
And he had laughed at her, his laugh grating, as he told her that Jedi were not allowed to love, and that she should never have trusted him with her heart. But there had been compassion in his eyes, and she knew in that moment that the Revan she knew and loved had not been lost forever, though that day was not the time that he would return. So he had left her, her hair billowing in the wind that his freighter generated and she'd returned to the Jedi order, numb and broken.
The ache in her heart as she remembered these things seemed to spread throughout her entire body, until her eyes filled with the tears she'd fought so long to hold back. Of course she should not be thinking of him, she knew. Whatever had been between them was gone now, and she had no desire to ever feel that way about him again. It was simply memories that she couldn't let go of. It was the ache of what she had endured when she had once been so impressionable, an ache that Bastila would never know, for if Revan ever did come back she would not feel betrayed, for he would not have ever renounced his love for her, and if he never came back at all... Well, then, she would only feel his loss as a person, not his loss behind another mask.
And besides, she reminded herself silently, I have others to who I turn to. Others who I love.
"I'm truly not a Jedi," She thought aloud as she stood up and faced the night, simultaneously pulling her light blond hair into a quick pony tail. Slowly, she bent over and picked up her comm, it's red light flashing, telling her that she had missed over fifty of their attempted contacts. She laughed, the wind sweeping away her lilting voice, carrying it up and away.
"Over protective males," She muttered as she headed towards the enclave, it's looming figure blotting out a bit of the night sky.
She reached it quickly, partly because she'd called upon the Force to get her there swiftly, and partly because she was suddenly tired from her tryst with the night. More than anything, she realized, she wanted to fall upon her bed and lie in a sleep so deep, it'd classify as comatose.
She passed a few of the newer padawans on the way to her chambers, though why they were up at such an hour she didn't know. She didn't think to ask, however, for in reality, she didn't care. If they were late to their morning classes, that would be Mical's problem, she surmised as she drifted through the corridors of the rebuilt enclave.
"Master Raas?" The voice was soft, and belonged to the picturesque face of a youngling. She sighed inwardly.
"Yes?" She turned around and faced the child, her blue eyes searching it's eyes for the worry she felt swirling around her.
"Master Shan is gone." Her voice was soft, high, and innocent as any child's is wont to be.
"And I have been gone all night child," Adalyn replied. "Perhaps she has gone for a walk?" The child shook her head, her big eyes watering.
"No, she has been gone all night, and Master Juhani has gone out looking for you. They believe the situation is dire." Adalyn nodded, and this time did not seek to silence the sigh that fell from her lips.
"You did good to tell me," She conceded, "But I think it was high time you were in bed. Master Shan can take care of herself, and if she has left it has been of her own accord. Do not worry on her account," She added when she realized that the child was probably one of the rare ones who trained specifically under Bastila, one that the young Jedi Master had probably affected in some way.
"But-"
"But nothing, Senna," Adalyn replied sternly, suddenly remembering the child's name. "Off to bed you go." The child nodded, and skulked away toward her chambers.
"So she's finally gone in search of Revan, has she?" The voice came out of nowhere, the presence being somewhat concealed, and only her Jedi reflexes saved her from jumping in surprise.
"If she has, she has made a terrible mistake," She replied.
"Heh, that's probably why she's been such a schutta lately," Atton smirked, but Adalyn didn't laugh.
"Love is a serious matter Atton," She scowled.
"Hey," He cried defensively, "I was only joking! So, where have you been?"
"Meditating," She replied, as she turned to him, smiling.
"Jedi," He scoffed. "When are you going to learn that simply thinking about things doesn't solve anything at all?" She shrugged.
"Maybe it would make sense to one who actually thinks," She retorted, suddenly feeling more revived than tired. He laughed.
"Yeah, yeah, you got me there. Pazaak?"
"Not tonight," She replied, her voice taking a serious tone. "I think there are some things I need to tell you guys. Can you call up the crew?" He shrugged.
"It's not like it's going to be hard. They're all at the Ebon Hawk. The problem's getting them up at three o' clock standard time without getting killed." She smiled, the light in her eyes masking the severity of what she knew she needed to say.
"Which is why I left the job to you."