Disclaimer: Don't worry, I don't own them. Points to LOST characters.

LOST

Jack was sound asleep in his little bed of leaves, hugging his shoe to his chest, and sucking his thumb. Suddenly he felt licking on his face. He opened his eyes to see a dog licking him.

"Ahhhh!" screamed Jack.

"Ahhh!" screamed the dog, and quickly ran away.

"Ahhhh!" Jack screamed again, and then said "1...2...3...4...26...DAMN! I mean, 5!" He waited for a minute then "AHHHHH!" He ran for for his life, screaming at the top of his lungs. He suddenly emerged from the forest to see white sand, rolling water, a smoking fiery wreck of a plane, palm trees...he did a double take and screamed!

The plane had crashed! He was about to scream again when he noticed that every body else was screaming too. Suddenly he had to be the mature over acheiver that was suffering from a severe paper cut on his right pinky, and had to rescue every one!

He ran around the plane once.

"Help!" screamed somebody caught under a large peice of plane. Jack ran around ten more times before he noticed the person in need.

"I'll help you!" he said, getting onto his hands and knees. "You, you, you!" he shouted at random people. "Do this for me!" Then he got up and ran to the next person in need, a pregnant woman who was obviously having contractions.

"What's the matter?" he asked stupidly.

"Help, I'm having contractions!" she moaned. Jack winced, this wasn't his feild. Instead he grabbed another random person and commanded in long slow words, as if the guy was dumb"You...help...lady, take... her...away...from...plane." Then he ran away again. He ran about for a while before he saw a life gaurd preforming CPR on an unconcious woman. The woman was just taking a breath of air when he pushed the life guard aside.

"You're doing it wrong!" he said. "Trust me I'm a doctor!"

"But she was just..." But before the unfourtunate life gaurd could utter another word Jack tilted the woman's head back, causing her to fall unconcious again. "I know what I'm doing, now get me some pens!"

"Some what?"

"Pens! I'm going to stuff them down her throat, duh!"

"But-"

"Just go! There's no time!"

After tilting the woman's head around for a few moments, Jack finally got it right, and the woman spluttered to life. Before he could explain what was happening, he ran off.

Charlie was wandering aimlessly through the chaos. He thought that there might be some way to help other people but nothing came to mind.

"You!" shouted Jack, pointing at a confused, dim witted looking woman.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Do you know how to sew?" She shook her head. "Good, sew me up!" He pointed to his paper cut.

"What?" she questioned. This sounded dumb, even to her.

"Sew up my wound. You can do it, I know you can." Her eyes filled up with tears as she nodded and sat down. After two minutes the task was done.

"So..." said the woman. "What do you do?"

Jack looked delighted. Finally somebody had stopped being so selfish and asked about him! "Well, proffesionally I'm a doctor, but I'm also a pilot."

"Really." She was impressed.

"Yup, and I'm a rocket scientist, brain surgen, deep sea diver, cullinary chef (I studied in france), an oscar nominated actor/actress, as well as a singer and I'm currently writing my memoirs...volume one."

"How do you stay so calm?" she asked, amazed. He looked seriously at her.

"I count to five, 1...2...3...4...38-Damn! I always screw that part up!...It's umm..."

"9?" She asked helpfully.

"No...oh yeah! It's 5!"

"Wow, you sure are smart. So, do you have a plan to get us off of this island?"

"Well first we have to find the front of the plane."

Suddenly the woman jumped up and down. "Ooooh! I conveniantly forgot to tell anybody this, but I saw smoke ...over there!" she pointed at the forest.

"I'm gonna go find it." He said "Tommorow."

"Oooh! I'll come with you to slow you down a lot and make lots of noise!"

"But I don't even know your name!" he said,

"It's Kate."

"I'm Jack."

That night they all ate, except for the silly woman who was too busy painting her nails, when suddenly they heard a crashing noise.

"What was that?" asked Jack. Charlie suddenly stood up.

"The trees are talking!" he whispered "They're ents, hearders of the forest!"

Jack pushed him aside, "No it isn't you moron! It's...it's...well it's something, that's for sure!"

"Maybe it's a coconut!" suggested one.

"A coconut? Well where did it come from?" Asked Charlie.

"I dunno, I found it!"

"But Coconuts are tropical!"

"So?"

"So were in a temperate zone!"

"Well the swallow may fly south with the-"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" Asked Jack, unable to resist getting in on an 'important' conversation.

"Maybe a bird carried it!" Said the life guard.

"How?"

"It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a matter of where it grips it," interrupted Kate "It's a matter of weight ratios. A six ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!" Everybody stood in shocked silence. Kate had actually said something that made sense. Even she looked confused by her sudden out burst of intelligence.

"But an African swallow could." Said the life guard, after a minute or two of thinking.

"An African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, That's my point." Said Kate, and then flung her arms over her mouth. What was happening to her!?!

After much debating everybody agreed that it must've been a coconut, and went to bed.

The next day Jack and Kate announced to everybody that they were going to search for the front part of the plane.

"I'm going with you!" Announced Charlie "You'd have to tie me all up in a sack to stop me! Besides, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing!"

"Haha," said Jack patting charlie on the back. "People of intelligence, good one."

Charlie looked concerned. "No, you really do." He said sincerely. Jack ignored the insult and they all started off into the general direction of the plane...well, all except for Kate and Jack who took wrong turns as often as possible. So I guess it was Charlie that went in the general direction. Anyhow, after much walking, and much arguing over which way to go, they reached the front of the plane, which was surprisingly still intact. It was easy enough to climb up to the top where Jack said a radio would be. Easy that is, except for all of the dead bodies they had to crawl over, and the awful smell, AND the fact that they had to CLIMB to the top.

Jack wiped away a tear as he gazed down at the dead pilot. "So young." He said "Why God? WHY?!?" Suddenly the pilot opened his eyes, causing Jack to jump with terror and roll all the way down to the bottom of the tilted plane. "Holy (bleep)! He's alive. It's a miracle! A MIRACLE!" He cried, flinging up his arms. Kate also flung up her arms (simply because she saw Jack do it) and also rolled to the bottom with an "Oof!"

Charlie rolled his eyes and decided to take the opportunity to sneak into the bathroom where he may or may not have hidden something the crashed the plane.

"Uf...ah...whew! We made it." Said Jack as they got to the top of the plane.

"Help..." groaned the pilot.

"There there." Said Jack. "Now tell us where the radio is."

"Water...please, I need water." Gasped the pilot.

"Ah ha!" said Jack. "Here's the little sucker. Well bye." He said as he started to step over the bodies. Suddenly there was a loud crashing noise, and another, and another.

"NOOO!" screamed Kate "The coconuts are attacking! Where's charlie!?!"

Charlie suddenly popped out of the bathroom and gasped "What the-!?!" as the pilot was picked up by something that... eerily looked like a coconut, and was whisked away from them.

"Come on!" said Jack "Let's get out of here." They all slid down the human bodies, and started running. Charlie got caught on a tree root, and couldn't get his foot away.

"Help me!" he cried. Kate thought about helping but decided that saving herself was more important then saving one of the hobbits that saved middle earth. Jack however decided that this would be a great time to reveal his amazing search and rescue talents.

"Help me! My foot's stuck!" cried Charlie. Jack flung himself down onto his belly, working furiously at the shoe laces, cursing when he found that they were double knotted.

"Okay, the bunny hops out of the bunny hole circles around and..."

"Hurry!" said Charlie frantically.

"Hold still!" commanded Jack. "I'm trying to concentrate. This is a very difficult knot."

"Oh, get out of the way!" shouted Charlie, pushing Jack away and undoing the knot. Once he was free they began to run, but the coconut had caught up.

Meanwhile Kate was panicking. Jack had gone back heroicly to save what's his name, and the coconuts could have caught up by now.

"Okay..." she said, taking a deep breath. "Count to 5! 67...89...13...46...5!" she said, and took off. She found Charlie in a clearing.

"Where's Jack?" she whined. "I was hoping that the coconut would've taken you instead!"

Charlie glared at her. "I don't know where he went. He's probably hiding in a bush or something...bloody coward."

"Nooo!" wailed Kate. "What if they got him!?! I couldn't live with myself if they have. I loved him- oooh! Something shiny!" she said, staring at a...uh...shiny thing. She picked it up. "Hey this looks just like that shiny thing that the pilot was wearing only...look!" She pointed at the Pilot's reflection in the water. Charlie looked up to see the Pilot hovering in the branches over head, he was covered in blood.

"How did the pilot get in the water?" asked Kate, still staring at the puddle. "Look! Jack's there too, hi Jack!" she waved at the reflection. Jack had come stumbling out of a bush and was shaking from head to toe.

"Jack?" asked Charlie urgently. "Did you see it? That thing?"

"Yes..." muttered Jack, "It was-"

"JACK!" cried Kate finally figuing out where he was.

"KATE!" he replied, and they both ran into each others out stretched arms. Awe...

LOST

(A/N: Okay, my apologies to all of the LOST fans, 1, for doing a spoof off of this incredibly great show. 2. for making Kate such an air head don't worry, I plan on turning her into a criminal genius . 3, for making Jack an air head...well actually, I'm not so sorry about that. 4, for turning the monsters into coconuts, 5....well, I guess I'm sorry for everything I put in this fic. But I thought it was really funny. Please review, flamers are welcome.)