Disclaimer: I don't own em!!! Not LOST, Monty Python, or LOTR.
Hello LOST fans! I'm so happy that you guys liked my spoof. Sorry it took so long to write, but as one reviewer mentioned, I needed a little inspiration. I my opinion, chapter 2 isn't quite as funny, but maybe you feel differently. Please read and review anyhow.
LOST
"So..." Said Charlie in a daze. "Have you found anything yet?"
"No!" said Jack irritably.
"I don't think it's work'n." Said Charlie. He was eating something from a tiny bag.
"What were you doing in the bathroom anyhow?" Asked Kate.
"Er..." Said Charlie, hurriedly putting the bag in his pocket. "Umm, I....well...um, it's obvious isn't it? I was puking."
"Oh..." Kate said in a disappointed tone. "I was hoping you had found something to eat. I'm starving. How far is camp?"
"You're not starving." Said Jack. "And this thing isn't working!" He threw the radio to the ground and was about stomp on it when he noticed that both Charlie and Kate had left. (A/N Had they? I've only seen this episode once, so I'm not sure.) He sighed and took the radio, stowing it into his pocket. He could hear people, so the beach wasn't far away. Pushing through the rest of the foliage he saw the white sand. There were women sun bathing, people playing volleyball, live music and barbecue.
"Yay!" he said, forgetting about the radio and running off to eat.
Mean while, Michael was running back and forth searching for his son.
"Excuse me!" he said, running up to the Korean couple. "Excuse me, have you seen my son?!?"
The women, eager to help, tried to tell him that he'd gone off in search of his dog. The man hurriedly backed away. "Sorry!" he said "Sorry, I didn't mean to...uh...bye then!" He then ran off, leaving the woman standing there. She blinked and thought "Silly Americans, always in a hurry."
The man's son was at that moment sneaking through the forest. He knew that there was something awful in the forest, something probably ready to eat him, something that would probably gut him and eat out his eyes. But this was important! He just had to find those hand cuffs! Suddenly he saw something shiny and rushed over to it. The hand cuffs!
"Son! What the hell are you doing out here!?!" came a voice. The boy turned to see his father rushing towards him.
"Er...um..." He began, trying to stuff the handcuffs into his pocket.
"Son! You know that there's something awful in this forest that wants to gut you, poke out your eyes and eat you! What's that?" He asked, pointing to the handcuffs.
"I dunno." Said the boy. "Handcuffs I guess. I just found them."
His father gasped "These must belong to that pessimistic chain smoker Jerk, who looks suspiciously like a criminal!" Said his father, a look of disgust on his face. "Come on son, let's get outta here." They left, and all of a sudden the dog (Who was still screaming...) rushed into the area where his owners had been two seconds before.
"Funny," he said to himself. "I thought I heard voices over here, then he ran away again.
(Skip to scene where everybody's mad at the pessimistic chain smoker jerk.)
"Smoke! Smoke! Smoke..."chanted a large group of people, surrounding somebody who was furiously puffing away at a cigarette.
"You!" Shouted the boy's Father, pushing through the crowd, and dangling the handcuffs in front of the man. "I wanna talk to you!" he said, drawing nearer.
"Dude." Said the man, holding up a hand to try and stop him. "I'm kinda busy here. Set up an appointment with my agent...over there." He pointed to Claire, who was wearing sunglasses, was smoking, and was talking furiously into a cell phone (that didn't work.).
"Oh, er, my apologies sir." Said the boy's father, pulling out his own useless cell phone, as he entered a number. He then held it up to his ear.
"Hello?" asked Claire.
"Oh, hi." Said the Father, giving Sawyer (the pessimistic chain smoking jerk) the thumbs up to show that it had worked. (wondering how they could hear each other? They were standing about three feet apart.) "Yeah, um, I want to set up an appointment to talk to...hey, what's your name?"
The smoker said "Sawyer." and continued to puff away.
"...To talk to Sawyer." He said.
"All right sir, may I please have your phone number, address, and date of birth?"
"Oh sure." Said the boy's father. After giving it to her, he turned back to Sawyer.
"Okay, I've made an appointment for..." he looked at his watch. "Now."
The man nodded.
"Are these yours!?!" he asked accusingly.
"Nope." Said Sawyer
"Oh, then sorry." Said Michael, turning to leave when...
"WHAT'S GOING ON!?!" yelled Jack, running into the crowd, and restraining the jerk and the boy's father. His mouth was covered with what looked like BBQ sauce, and his shirt was also dripping with the stuff.
"Fight! Fight! Fight!..." chanted the rest.
"Er, nothing Jack, I was just wondering if these belonged to him." He said. He held up the Handcuffs. Jack first looked at the Handcuffs, and then at Sawyer.
"They do!" he shouted. He pointed his finger at Sawyer. "Well? Aren't you going to show him what happens to criminals on this island!?!" The eager crowd awaited the fight to break loose.
"Oh." Said Michael. "Well in that case..." he lunged forward and grabbed Sawyer, punching him repeatedly. Sawyer tried to react, but he was torn between fighting, or lighting another smoke. In the end he decided to light up, which cost him a battered eye. Sayid gasped and jumped into the ring trying to stop the fighting, but Sawyer and Michael just started to beat him up.
"NOOO!" came a voice. Michael turned to see Jack running to them. "Why are you and Sawyer fighting?! "He rushed up and single handedly pushed all three men apart.
"But you said-"began Michael.
"I didn't say anything." Jack said, glaring at Sayid, whom he assumed had started the fight. Sayid glared back. How had he gotten stuck on an Island full of morons!?!
"What did I miss?" Jack, Michael, Sawyer, and Sayid all turned to see Kate standing there. For some reason she was now wearing black leather, big black boots, a gun holster, and a black mask that didn't mask who she was very well.
"Nothing..." mumbled all four of them guiltily.
"Except," added Michael "He's a criminal. We found these!" he held up the handcuffs with one hand, and his other pointed out Sawyer.
"Oh." Said Kate. "I was just bathing in the ocean. Almost naked too, because that's what woman do when they're lost on an island, and there's something important going on. Jack." She said, changing the subject. "Did you give Sayid the radio yet? He's the techie..."
Jack's mouth fell open. Give it...to the nasty peacemaker!?! This was outrageous. "No!" he whined. "I can do it! I can do everything. I'm the techie!"
"No Jack." Kate said firmly. "Hand it over or else." She said, running a finger across her neck. Jack gulped, and handed it over. Sayid took it, satisfied that he'd made Jack angry, and left to sit next to Hurly.
Jack glared at Kate, his lower lip sticking out, and his eyes filling with tears. "Your unfair!" he yelled before stomping off to a man who he was supposed to be mending.
Kate smiled, and then noticed that the crowd was still standing there in shocked silence. She glared at them and the crowd quickly inched away, muttering how they really should be scrubbing the plane, and other pointless jobs.
Jack leaned over his patient, carefully studying the wound (which was still bleeding profusely due to Jack's "talent" for curing people.)
"Stupid Kate..." he muttered. "Stupid Sayid, stupid Michael, stupid-"
"Where am I?" groaned the man. Jack jumped.
"You're supposed to be dead!" he said accusingly.
"Where is she...where...what...what are you doing?" he asked.
"Erm..." began Jack, for he was now holding a large brick in a throwing position, directed at the man's head. "You shouldn't be awake! You'll die of shock!"
"Noooo-bump"
Jack looked down at the now unconscious Marshal, and continued working.
Five minutes later (after Jack had finally given up trying to be a doctor, and had drawn pictures all over the marshal's face) Kate walked up to him.
"Hello Jack." She said, looking disapprovingly at the goatee and swear words that Jack had doodled on the man's face. Jack started and jumped to his feet, hiding the pen in the sand.
"Oh, it's you!" he said. "I'm busy." And he quickly sat down, hoping that Kate would leave feeling guilty. Instead...
"Me and a few friends are going back into the forest." She said plainly. Jack pretended that he didn't care and continued to do...um...nothing.
"Yup, just me...and Sayid, Sawyer, Boone, Charlie and Shannon."
"WHAT!?!" Jack again leapt to his feet. "Without me!?!"
"Yeah." She shrugged. "Jack, is that guy gonna be okay? You just stepped on his face."
"You're...what...why....nevermind! See if I care! You go on your little hike in the woods. "
"Fine, I will!" she said.
"Fine, you do that!" With that, Kate turned and left. As soon as there was a good amount of distance between the two, Jack stuck out his tongue and started talking to himself again. "Stupid Kate..."
Charlie swayed back and forth as he followed the others down the trail, wondering how the trail got there in the first place.
"Kate?" He asked, determined not to sound too drugged out. "Where are we?" She ignored him.
"What is this place? Who are you? What's your name? Who am I? Hey! I'm Charlie! Kate? Kate? Kate? Kate? Kat-"
"What!?!" Kate asked, feeling thoroughly annoyed with him.
"I'M CHARLIE!!!" he boomed back.
"Be quiet!" she snapped. "We have to be careful out here, if the coconuts find us, then we're dead!"
"Oh..." said Charlie. "Right, the coconuts." Personally he thought that Kate was the nut. Who'd ever heard of killer coconuts???
Rustle, rustle....
"What was that?" asked Charlie.
Rustle, rustle....
Suddenly a giant coconut with white fur came running towards them.
"Run!" shouted Sayid. Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Boone, and Shannon took off.
"Wait!" shouted Kate. "Where's Sawyer?"
"Who like cares!?!" retorted Shannon.
"Calm yourselves!" said Boone, trying his best to sound just like Jack (And failing). He then slapped Shannon across her face.
"You Jerk!" she squealed. "What do you know about how I feel!?!"
"I never said anything about how you feel, but I suspect that your heart is about as empty as your head." Shannon ran forward and tried flimsily to kick her brother. He punched her. She bit him. He smeared her makeup.
BANG!
The siblings stopped as they heard the gunshot.
"It wasn't me!" said Shannon. Sayid rolled his eyes. Idiots, all of them. Even Charlie wasn't sane enough to know what was going on right now.
"Follow me." Said Kate, half dragging the others as they tried to get back to where Sawyer had been.
He was standing on the trail (How did the trail get there!?!) and was staring at a-
COMMERCIAL BREAKPointless advertising, interrupting valuable TV time. You can count on it, whenever something exciting is about to happen.
Shannon squealed with delight. "It's a puppy!" she cried, and ran up to hug the furry beast, which was still growling and thrashing about. In one swift movement it ate Shannon and there was much rejoicing. Hooray!!!
Sawyer was holding a gun.
"Hey!" shouted Kate, "That's mine!" she grabbed the gun." Everybody looked at her. "I mean..." She started. "It's his! Arrest him! But I'll keep the gun so that he doesn't do any more damage. Agreed?"
Surprisingly everybody believed her story.
"Fine with me." Said Boone, not really noticing because he was still rejoicing over the killing of his sister.
"Me too," said Charlie. He was feeling a bit distracted. The effects of those coffee grounds he'd smuggled on to the plane, were starting to wear off.
Sayid shrugged. He was still staring at the polar coconut.
Sawyer gave a weird creepy smile (Reminiscent of a certain Texan president).
Kate stuffed the gun into the gun holster by her side, and once again they walked....and walked....and walked.....
"Let's stop here and see if the radio works!" said Sayid. They weren't at the top of the mountain yet, but nobody really felt like climbing that far.
The radio buzzed to life, and everybody heard a strange voice.
"This is AT&T calling...." It said. "We'd like to know if you're interested in our wireless plan...."
"What does it say?" asked Sayid dramatically. "Does anybody here speak French?"
"Yes!" said Boone. "Er...my sister did."
"No she didn't!" Snapped Sawyer. "Nobody speaks French here! Nobody's com'n to get us! We're gonna be stuck on this island forever..."
"...AT&T respects your privacy..."
"...Were all gonna die out here!..."
"I think I remember some French..."
"Really...I don't own a gun you guys!"
"...AT&T hopes that you will give them lots and lots of your money...."
Boone tried to think about what Jack would do.
"...AT&T respects that you are not always able to speak with us, but we hope that you will STILL give us your hard earned cash..."
"...That radio's broken, it doesn't work, you're stupid..."
"I DON'T OWN A GUN!"
"I'm CHARLIE!"
"Does anybody speak Spanish or French, or a mix of the two!?!"
"I do!" said Boone.
"No you don't!" said Sawyer.
"I said I'm CHARLIE!!!"
"BE QUIET!!!!!" Sayid screamed. Everybody went silent. "Let Boone translate." He gave Boone the radio.
"Umm...er...are you serious man?"
"He can't even speak French or Spanish!" Groaned Sawyer, dramatically falling to his knees.
"Yes he can! Boone, concentrate." Said Sayid.
"Er...um..." He made something up. "Uh, we are stuck on the island...everybody is dead...please rescue us...erm." They looked like they were expecting more. "We're stuck on an island...everybody else is dead..."
"It's repeating!" stated Sayid. "That means it's been playing for over...sixteen years!!!"
O.o
"Where did you get that calculation Sayid?" asked Charlie.
"Don't question a genius..." Replied Sayid Loftily.
"Works for me." Said Boone.
"Kate...?" Asked Charlie. "Where are we?"
LOST