Hello LOST fans. You may remember me from a LONG time ago. I sort of spoofed your favorite show... yeah... that was me... Hey! Put down that pitch fork! It was all done with love after all. Um... I sort of ignored the parody for a while, unable to come up with anything funny for the remainder of the season. But... well...
One Year Later:I was watching the first episode of the new season of LOST when a thought came to me. It was Didn't I do a parody of this show last year? Yes! I had! People had hated it... a few had sort of liked it! Well, I thought and thought and then decided Hey! I want to continue it... only, I don't want to do all the episodes in between. So now, fellow LOST fan, I introduceyou to LOST! Chapter THREE!
LOST
Desmond turned some groovy music on and began to dance, singing along as he did so. "Make your own kind of smoothie, EAT your own kind of FOOD!" He wailed, getting the lyrics all wrong, despite the fact that he'd been listening to the song about five times a day for the last sixteen years. He made his speacialty smoothie (eggs, peanut butter and... kiwis?) and then did two extremely difficult sit ups.
"Whew! What a work out!" he said, mopping his forehead with his hand. He then went to look through his amazingly high tech telescope thingy. The music stopped. He ignored the gigantic BOOM that had caused it to stop and looked incredulously at the record player as if it were simply doing this out of spite.
"EAT your own kind of food- what the...Damn it!" Desmond hit the record player hard. When it didn't work again he decided he'd deal with it later. "I'll deal with you later, Wilson!" He returned his attention to his amazingly high tech gadget and gasped. There were people staring down into HIS hatch!
"4,8,15,16,23,42-" Hurley rocked himself back and forth, trying to calm down.
"No," corrected Kate, trying to act superior to Hurley. "It's 4,8,15,16,23, and 5!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Hurley gave her an odd look.
"Look, I know its hard to remember, but that's how you count to five!" she said proudly, and added "Jack taught me."
"Dude!" Hurley turned to Locke, mostly because he was looking for an excuse to not talk to Kate. "Why did you blow it up?"
Locke smiled. "I'm a pyromaniac." he said.
Hurley didn't pursue the subject any further.
"I'm go'in down!" Said Locke.
"No!" Jack retorted, "I've decided to be a real pain in the ass for the rest of the season, so listen up! I don't care how much food, medicine, clean clothes or toothpaste there is down there! Its dark and scary, and those two things don't mix well."
"Jack?" asked Kate, raising an eyebrow. "Are you afraid of the dark?"
"Uh... no..." Jack said sheepishly. "Its just...uh...um... I'm going back to camp. Locke, you're coming with me!"
"What about us?" asked Kate, standing next to Hurley, looking hurt.
"Well you two go without saying. You're my groupies."
"Yay!" Kate squealed, with delight, and handed Hurley a button that said 'I Heart Jack'
-----
"Dog!" called Shannon, back at the caves. "Dog, where are you?" She was running around frantically, and kept on running into the cave walls by accident. "Oof!" she said as she bumped into Sayid.
"Uh... what are you doing?" Sayid asked, glaring at her.
"LOOKING FOR THE STUPID DOG!" She yelled at him.
"Right... well, could you stop being so loud? We're sort of trying to keep a low profile here if you don't remember."
"BUT THE DOG!" She cried, even louder. "I HAVE TO FIND THE DOG! IF I DON'T, I'LL DIE!" She fell melodramatically into Sayid's arms, weeping.
"Er..." Sayid wasn't quite sure what to do so he gave her back a light pat. This only made her cry louder. "Don't cry." He told her. "Really, I wasn't joking about the low profile thing-" She was now wailing so loud that everybody in the cave had turned to stare at her. "Uh, please, stop crying..."
Without warning Shannon ran into the jungle, screaming about how nobody understood her pain. Everyone looked at Sayid expectantly.
"What?" he asked,
"If it were me..." Charlie spoke up. "I'd run after her like a maniac and tell her I'd take care of her."
"Charlie, that's stupid." replied Sayid. "Its bad enough that she's running around out there, if there's two of us then we'll only attract more attention."
"I'll do it." Said Steve...or Scott?
"No!" said Sayid. "That's a worse idea than Charlie's. You're an expendable character. If you go out there you're sure to die."
"Gee, Thanks man!" Said Steve...or Scott sounding hurt.
"Oh for heaven's sake!" Claire got up. "She can't have gone that far! I'll go get her myself." She handed Turnip Head to Charlie, and stood up.
"No Claire!" Charlie jumped to his feet, tossing Turnip head to a random castaway, absent mindedly. "I told you I'd take care of you. I'll do it."
"But Charlie." Claire groaned. "You haven't even let me take a walk in FIVE days!"
"What about the trip to the caves this morning?" asked Charlie.
"You insisted on carrying me."
"Oh yeah... well, I'll at least go with you. I want to look after you and Turnip Head, Its my duty."
"Oh fine." Claire sighed heavily. "We'll just take the baby with us. Where is he?"
Charlie looked down at his arms and then paled. "Uh..." He craned his neck to look over the crowd of people. When he didn't see or hear Baby Aaron he looked at Claire. "Now... don't get mad..." he started.
---
Meanwhile Sayid had gotten tired of the arguement and had slipped away to find Shannon. It wasn't hard, since she was still wailing like a tornado siren.
"Shannon!" He was amazed to see that she was still running. When he finally caught up to her, he grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Shannon. When was the last time you ate or slept?"
She stopped wailing to answer him. "I slept last night, and I haven't eaten anything since the age of eight...and a half." She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.
"...Right... go back to the caves and get some rest. The dog will show up sooner or later. You're exausted."
"No I'm not." replied Shannon. This was true. For someone who spent most of her time crying and running, she seemed to have an endless supply of energy.
"Yes," Retorted Sayid. "You are!"
"No I'm not..." She looked puzzled.
"Shannon, I'm a genius. If I say you're exausted, then you're exausted."
"But the dog-"
"WOOF!" Vincent was sitting in a clearing, wagging his tail and watching them with amusement.
"There he is!" Said Sayid, obviously. "Look, the writers want more action and suspense in this scene, so instead of simply calling for the dog like most people would do, I'm going to circle around him in a predatory way that's sure to make him feel safe and welcome." Sayid bounded into the trees... and the dog freaked.
"AHHH!" Vincent screamed, and ran away.
"NOOO!" Shannon took three steps and landed flat on her face. (Teehee!) Only, instead of getting up like she did in the show, she simply lay there... in a heap... not breathing. Well, this shouldn't be surprising, she was killed off in the last chapter after all. I'm amazed she was still able to run. If she HAD been alive, however, she would have seen a japanese kid standing in front of her.
"Meow!" He said, and then disappeared.
---
Jack, Locke, Kate and Hurley had just returned to the caves.
"Speech time," murmured Jack, slicking back his hair, and hauling himself up on to a big boulder.
Jack cleared his throat. "Hey people!" he said, 'eloquently.' "Locke found a hatch. We're going down in the morning." he took a bow. Just about everybody had missed the speech, and nobody clapped.
"Well that went well." He said, climbing down the boulder to stand next to Kate. "I was expecting people to question my sanity or something."
"We're all mad here..." Locke said mysteriously. He took out a lighter and lit it a few times just to freak out the people standing around him. Hurley wisely took a step back.
"...But Claire! It takes a village to raise a child!" Charlie was saying, in the background.
"Handing a baby to a complete stranger HARDLY qualifies!" Said Claire, "And just after you'd rescued him too!" She was searching the caves, up and down, asking everyone she saw if they'd seen Aaron.
"It couldn't have been a complete stranger..." said Charlie. "We must have met them at least once."
"That's not the point!" snapped Claire. "Kate!" she called, and left Charlie standing there as she rushed off.
---
"What now?" asked Kate, looking warily at Claire as she approached. "Did you lose your baby again?" she asked in a cruel mocking voice.
"Actually..." said Claire, looking miffed. "Charlie did! And you don't have to be rude, in fact, I thought you were supposed to be a sympathetic character. I lost a baby for heaven's sake!"
Kate shrugged. "I'd help but I've got a hatch to risk my life in and I don't have a lot of time. Locke's probably already there." She pushed past Claire so that she could say something to Jack. "Jack, I'm leaving to risk my life. If you stop being such a jerk and have a few helpful memories about being a better and less pesimistic person, then maybe you can come and rescue me when I mess everything up."
"Never!" Jack cried defiantly, just because he felt like being defiant.
---
Locke had found a giant vine and somehow managed to cut it down, strip it of all stray leaves, create some sort of harness with his bare hands, and wrap it around a handful of trees before Kate arrived... Hey. The guy's got talent.
"Why aren't you down there being eaten by monsters yet?" Asked Kate, somewhat accusingly.
"I was waiting for you to do it instead." Locke replied.
Kate shrugged. "Okay, cool." and jumped into the hatch... this didn't go so well, seeing as how she'd forgotten about the hatch being a couple hundred feet deep and hadn't bothered to put on the harness, but somehow, due to her super kate powers, she survived.
"Kate... are you alright?" asked Locke, though he didn't sound too terribly hopeful. When she didn't reply (probably because she was dead, captured or too frightened to say anything), he decided he'd go down too... only he used the vine.
---
"Damn it!" Jack said, back at the caves, throwing a bandaid at somebody he'd been trying to mend. "I can't do this right now! I'm way too distracted with my dramatic memories. I need to do something constructive!" He stood up quickly, sending all the tool's he'd been using, flying on to the ground.
"But... I thought you said I was bleeding internally and needed medical care." said the man he'd been 'curing'. "... and that I'd die without immediate assistance..."
"Nevermind that!" said Jack, rolling his eyes. "kate might need my help, and I can't stand other people being the hero instead of me!"
"But I feel so weak..." The man said wearily. "...not...going...to...make it-" He slumped over. Jack didn't notice, as he had already run into the jungle, searching for someone who needed saving.
----
Jack reached the hatch and looked down it. "Ha!" He said. "No problem! Along with being a doctor, a rocket scientist, brain surgen, deep sea diver, cullinary chef , an oscar nominated actor/actress, and writer I am also an avid Hatch... er climber downer..." So he wisely grabbed hold of the vine that Kate and Locke had used, and jumped into the hatch.
"KATE!" He called, ever the subtle one on the island. "KATE! WHERE ARE YOU?" Everything was dark as he descended. When he reached the bottom of the hole, he saw that there was a long hallway, at the end of which was a light! He, ofcourse, followed the light... and then...
"MAKE YOU'RE OWN KIND OF MUSIC! SING YOUR OWN KIND OF SONG..." There was music blaring out of a speaker nearby. Jack screamed like a little girl, and was about to turn and run, when he heard a gun shot. It ricochetted off of the wall and Jack just nearly missed being shot. (Readers groan disappointedly)
"Jack," Locke was suddenly standing in front of him, a gun pressed to the back of his head. "Uh... it might have been a bad idea coming down here after all..."
"Tell him to go away." Said the voice of whoever was holding the gun to Locke's head.
"Er... Go away, Jack." Repeated Locke.
"No." Replied Jack, stubbornly. "In case you don't remember, John, I'm the best person on the island, so I can do whatever I want to."
"Tell him to go away, or I'll start playing Abba..." Whispered the voice.
"Uh..." Locke said. "Go away or...sorry, what was you're name again?"
"Desmond!" Hissed the voice. "Tell him, TELL HIM!" He said frantically.
"Go away or Desmond will start playing Abba." Said Locke.
"Are you threatening me, Locke?" Asked Jack, taking no notice of the person who was holding the gun. "Well it isn't going to work. I'm a doctor, damn it!"
"Tell him he's an idiot." said Desmond, sniggering as he did so.
"You're an idiot."
"Hey!" Jack said, offended. "That was mean! Why are you... wait a minute..." He said, catching on. "Someone else is telling you to say this stuff!"
"Tell him he's a genius..." hissed Desmond. "But say it in a sarcastic way with a hint of amusement." Locke did as he was told.
"You're a genius, jack. A true genius."
"Wait, are you being sincere or sarcastic?" Asked Jack, scratching his head.
"Sarcastic."
"Grr... Tell 'Desmond' he's a jerk!"
"You're a Jerk." Locke told Desmond.
"Tell Jack he's a Loser..." desmond shot back.
"Tell Desmond he stinks so bad I can smell him from here!" Jack said, angrily.
"Tell Jack his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries!"
" How dare you!" Gasped Jack. "Tell Desmond to go to Hell!"
"Tell Jack to go to Hell!"
"Uff!" Kate had just fallen out of the wall.
"AHHH!" screamed Jack and hid behind Desmond "shoot it shoot it!"
LOST
Was it good? Was it bad? What ever you think, REVIEW! ...and, uh... don't try to track me down and kill me... hehe...
One Last note: I wish I could make a list thanking all of the reviewers... but I can't. Well, I could... but as my profile says I'm really REALLY lazy. So here's one BIG thank you to all of you! THANK YOU!