Author: Niki

Title: Make Me Forget- Chapter 10/13

Pairing: Faith/Buffy all the way. Though there is some Faith/Wood for a while and mentions of other Faith pairings.

Summary: After the collapse of Sunnydale, Buffy and Faith begin to get closer than anyone knows. Problems arise, though, when Faith's actions from the past literally come back to haunt her.

Rating: NC-17, baby. But no smut in this chapter… sorry!

Disclaimer: Yeah, these aren't mine, they're Joss's, but I think you already knew that.

Note: Thanks again for feed back. Let me know what you think. More feedback, pleeeaassee.

Note 2: This is slightly AU in the Angelverse. Angel somehow got the necklace to give to Buffy earlier on, and they are still dealing with the Cordelia mess. No Wolfram and Hart offer.

Note 3: 3 chapters to go! I'm excited. Kinda…Whatever, enjoy.

Faith's POV:

I think I was saying something before about drinking never taking my pain away for long, right? Well, I've gone and proven that again tonight. It's two am, and I've been drinking since about eight or nine. Five hours of fucking drowning myself in JD, and I can't forget any of it. All of the things I've done in my life. All my regrets. This day, which happens to be the most horrible fucking day of my life. I was drunk about thirty minutes ago. I'm walking back to the hotel now, and because of my goddamn slayer metabolism, I can form thoughts now. In fact, I'm moving onto the hangover stage.

So I've got despair, guilt, self-hatred, and a pounding headache. I really fucking hate my life. I've never felt like this before. I've had each of these things individually, but never at the same time. I'm on overdrive right now. I have too many feelings, and they're ripping me apart. How is it possible to feel like you want to kill someone and at the same time feel bad about it? Christ, I just want all of this to stop. I want to pass out and never fucking wake up. Haven't I suffered enough?

I finally reach the fucking hotel, and when I get inside I see B sitting on one of the chairs, crying. Is she waiting up for me? Well fuck her, she can wait as long as she wants. It doesn't change shit. I walk in and she looks up at me, that sad, puppy look on her face.

"Faith... Where have you been?" She asks quietly.

I ignore her and walk straight to the stairs. I don't even look back. And I don't feel bad about it. When I reach my room, I don't even bother getting rid of my clothes. I simply kick off my shoes and collapse into the bed. Almost the second my head hits the pillow, I feel myself drifting off. God, let me dream about something good... something the complete opposite of my life.

I'm dancing. The music is loud and fast, and I have to completely throw myself into it to not get lost completely lost within the darkness of the room. It really is dark. I can barely see myself, and I can feel that I'm the only one around. It's just me and the beat. I feel it pulsing through me… the rhythm and pounding bass are in my blood. My heart is beating to the beat of the song. I've never felt so little like myself. It's like I have no control. The song makes me move, and the song makes my heart keep beating so I can live. I try to fight against it, realizing that the song is going too fast now. I can't move that fast, can I?

It gets faster and faster as I move around, my limbs whipping around me and my hair getting caught in my face. The hair is in my eyes, and I can see even less than I could before. I trip over my own feet, and now I feel myself falling. I hold my breath in anticipation. This is it. I'm done. But I don't hit the floor yet. I just keep falling and falling. I feel my stomach jump around like I'm on a roller coaster…. Like Nitro. I used to always ride Nitro. But when I left the East Coast, it got hard to get back over to Six Flags.

I finally feel my back hit the ground, knocking the wind out of me. I can't breathe. I gasp for air, fighting to live because that beat is no longer doing it for me. I have to make my own heart beat now. I slowly raise my head off of the ground, feeling blood seep out of my head. I look to my left and see Angel. He's lying there, trying to get himself up also. I have to get up before him.

I drag myself up onto my feet and look down at him as he does the same. I feel the rain start to pour, washing some of the blood away. I know what I have to do now. I can make it better. End all of this.

I punch him repeatedly, yelling, "You're gonna die! You hear me! You don't know what evil is! I'm bad!" He won't hit me back. He's just blocking. "Fight back!"

"Nice try, Faith," he says, throwing me to the ground. "I know what you want." I get back up and punch him, but he quickly hits me back and knocks me to the ground. "And I'm not gonna do it. I'm not going to make it easy for you."

I get up and take a swing at him, completely missing. I swing again and again, but he just moves out of the way. "I'm evil! I'm bad! I'm evil!"

I finally just start beating on his chest. I feel too weak to do anything else. "Do you hear me! I'm bad! Angel, I'm bad! I'm bad! Do you hear me? I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad, please!" I'm now just pulling at his jacket, barely even moving. I sob, "Angel, please, just do it! Angel . . . please, just do it! Just kill me."

He grabs me to keep me from moving as I beg again, "Just kill me." We fall to the ground, with me gripping his coat and crying.

He hold my head "Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here. Shhh…"

I feel myself sob into his coat. Releasing all of my anger. I know that normally I would be embarrassed by this, but I can't even care right now. Nothing matters. Nothing other than this feeling of disgust, horror, grief, and maybe a new feeling of safeness. The safe feeling is ripped away, though, when Angel shoves me back and I fall onto the wet ground again. He stands up and looks down at me.

"Don't touch me, Faith."

I look up at him, confusion in my eyes. How is this Angel? Doesn't he always want to do the right thing? Save a soul? Well my soul needs it. And he was just about to give it to me, wasn't he?

"You think I would ever willing touch someone as disgusting as you?" He continues, looking down at me. "The only reason that lasted as long it did was that in the darkness, I could temporarily trick myself into thinking that I was holding Buffy. Now I realize, you're not Buffy. Buffy would never beg me to kill her. Buffy is above all this. You, Faith, aren't worth helping."

He turns and makes his way down the alley, not even sparing me a second glance. I look around the alley, crying, and I notice that the rain has stopped. The puddles are drying up, and the air feels hotter now. I force myself up onto my feet again. I start running down the alley in the opposite direction of Angel. I have to stay away from him. He's not the guy I thought he was. He's just like every other guy that wants to hurt me. They lie and they lie, until finally, one day, their true colors come out. They show what scum they really are. And that's when they start trying to hurt me. Gotta stay away from Angel.

As I take each alley to the next one, I end up in a narrow alley with crates all around. I stop running and look around, trying to figure out where I am. Suddenly, a vamp jumps out at me. I throw him into the wall and whip a stake out of my pocket, quickly dusting him. I start to move forward again, but seconds later, another vamp attacks me. As I make my way down the alley, vampires keep jumping out. This new one feels different, though. As I throw him against a dumpster, I hear someone yell something at me. I pay it no attention and stake him, but as soon as I pull my stake out, I know I've messed up. Blood is all over my stake and it's pouring out of his chest. Human. He's human. Oh God, he's human.

The blood keeps pouring out. So much blood. It runs down his chest and starts to pool on the pavement. It doesn't stop there, though. The puddle of blood keeps getting larger and larger. It starts moving toward me, backing me up against the wall. I try and stay away, but the blood is getting too close. I have to get away. I start running away in the direction I came from, narrowly missing the blood hitting my shoe.

I keep running and running, not looking back. Suddenly, a thought hits me. I have to get out of this alley. This alley is hell. The first door I see, I yank it open. As I rush into the abandoned building, I realize it isn't abandoned at all. It's the Bronze. The Bronze at it's most crowded and noisy. I look around, searching for someone I know. I don't see anyone, so now I don't know what to do with myself. I can't hang out at the Bronze by myself. I briefly wonder why that is, since I've done it all my life, but then I hear someone call my name. I search the crowd and finally decide that the yelling is coming from the center of the dance floor.

"Faith, over here!" It's Buffy. She's jumping up and down, trying to get my attention over the mass of people around her. B wants me to come over there. To dance with her.

I quickly shove my way through the crowd until I get to her. She turns around and sees me, her face lighting up with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I made her smile that way. Me.

She takes my hand and puts it on her hip, moving her body to the music once again. I start moving with her, feeling the music in my blood again. But it's not overwhelming this time. It's not completely controlling me. It's comfortable. I get lost in the feeling of the music and Buffy moving closer and closer to me. Her hands are on me now. They're resting on my waist, holding my hips to her as she looks into my eyes and sings to words of the song to me. I can't make them out… I can't even make the song out. All I can see are B's glossy lips moving sensually. Her hands start to move up my sides until they rest at my neck. She's now moving against me in a way that can't be interpreted as anything other than she wants me. B slowly moves her head so that her mouth is next to my ear.

"You feel so good against me, Faith." She flicks my earlobe with her tongue, making me shiver. "I want you to kiss me…. Please? Kiss me?"

I feel a surge of arousal rush through me at her request. I quickly move my head and claim her lips with mine, not holding back. We share a hot, wet kiss, filled with passion, as we stand there in the middle of the dance floor. We're oblivious to all the people around us, only feeling each other. As I run my tongue against her bottom lip, seeking entrance to her mouth, I feel B tense up. She jerks away from me and looks at me, horrified.

"What the hell are you doing?"

What? "B, what are you talking about? You just asked me to kiss you. You love me."

"I don't love you." Buffy gives a cruel laugh, sneering at me. "I could never love you, Faith. I don't care at all that you're a girl. No, it has everything to do with you. You're everything I hate in this world. You're a liar, a murderer, and psychotic. You're disgusting. How do you think I could ever love you? That I could ever touch you without wanting to vomit?"

I can't stay here and listen to this. I feel the tears rushing to my eyes. The pain that feels like it's about to kill me. I can't let her see me cry. She can't know how much she hurt me. I turn quickly and shove my way through the crowd, trying to get out of the club before I suffocate. I make my way back out into the alley, breathing heavily, and start to run. To get away from there. To get away from Buffy.

I run down the alley, not paying attention to where I'm going, when a vamp jumps out at me. I throw him against the wall and stake him, quickly moving on. More jump out at me, and I quickly dust them all. Another vampire jumps out at me, female, and I throw her into the dumpster, moving in to dust her. As I move in, I recognize the face. It's Buffy.

"Faith, NO!" She yells, but it's too late to stop. I can't stop. The stake plunges into her heart. I hear it rip through her chest and heart. I feel the life dying out of her. The blood pours out even worse this time, but I don't even try and run from it. I lean over beside the dumpster and vomit, trying to get everything bad out of my system. The blood's mixing with the vomit, making me sick again. I have to get out of here. I have to leave Buffy behind. I start running down the alley, the way I haven't gone yet, leaving bloody foot prints behind me. When I get to the end, almost to street, I'm stopped by a figure stepping out of the shadows. It's the Boss. Thank God, it's him. He loves me. He can help.

"Faith, where have you been, I've been looking everywhere for you. I have a very important job for you."

I swallow the knot in my throat and ask, "What is it Boss? Anything."

"I need you to tie up a loose end of mine. There's a professor. Professor Lester Wirth. He knows something that I cannot afford for Buffy and her friends to find out."

"I really don't think Buffy's gonna be a problem anymore." I look back down the alley, knowing that her body is still there.

"Well, never the less, I would like you to get rid of him. Is that something you can do for me?"

I nod my head.

"Good girl, I'm glad to hear it. Now, come see me when you're done. I've had some fabulous brownies made that you just have to try." He chuckles and walks away, leaving me in the alley by myself.

I sigh and walk out onto the street, making my way to Professor Wirth's apartment. I don't know how I know where it is. Boss didn't tell me, did he? I find the apartment building easily. When I get to his door, I knock nervously. I pull myself together quickly, though, before Wirth answers the door. When he answers, I lean up against the door, looking at him nonchalantly. Why am I doing this?

"Hi, I'm looking for Professor Wirth."

"Oh, well, that's me, but I should ask you to come back during office hours. Students generally make an appointment-"

I cut him off. "Uh, I'm not from the college. I work for Mayor Wilkins. I'm Faith."

"Oh, well, come in, please. I was so surprised when he called. Didn't expect a politician to be interested in my research."

I walk around the apartment, getting a feel for it. I keep my back to him so I can see him as little as possible. "He's a big fan, professor."

"Oh, Lester's fine." I can practically hear the smile in his voice.

"We alone here, Lester?" I turn around.

"Well, yes." God, the poor bastard thinks I'm interested. "Life-long bachelor. I like my space."

"I hear that." I pull out my knife and start moving forward. Best to get this done quickly. "You want to turn and face the wall, Lester?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'll make it quick," I say as I back him up against the wall.

"Put that away. I'll scream."

"Who wouldn't?" I ask, amusement in my voice. What's wrong with me? Do I really think this is funny?

"Please." He's terrified. My arm's up against his chest, pinning him to the wall, and I can feel his shaking.

"Sorry, friend, boss wants you dead."

"Why?"

"You know, I never thought to ask," I whisper, and then plunge the knife into his stomach. He groans in pain, but the groan sounds like a woman and not a man. I look up into his face and meet the eyes of my mother.

"Well, Faithy, I guess I was wrong when I said you were good for nothing." What, what is she doing here? Mom? "You're good for killing. I guess that's even more than what I thought you'd turn into. You surpassed my expectations. You're a whore AND murderer."

"No, mom. It's not… How? How are you here? You died." I can't keep the stutter out of my voice as I look into the face of the person that scares me more than anyone ever has.

"I didn't die, sweetie. You're killing me right now." She looks down at the knife in her stomach, blood pouring out from the wound.

"Shit!" I yell, yanking the knife out of her stomach and moving back from her. "Mom, no, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Please." I feel the tears starting to run down my cheeks.

"Of course you knew. Haven't you always wanted me dead?"

"I-"

"FAITH!"

The sound of my name being yelled jerks me out of the apartment and suddenly I'm awake, sitting up in my bed. I can barely breathe and I'm sobbing so hard that my body's shaking. I look up and see Willow, B, and Angel staring at me. This just got worse.

No POV:

"Why the fuck are you WATCHING ME!" Faith yelled, shaking.

"Faith, just calm down. I came in to talk to you, but you wouldn't wake up. You were having a nightmare. I got Willow to use magic to wake you," Buffy said slowly, trying to keep Faith calm.

Angel moved to Faith's bed. "Faith, it's OK…"

"DON'T! Stay away!" Faith yelled, standing up on the bed and then jumping down, moving to the other side of the room. "My, my mom… she, I don't know… She was there. I, I killed her. I killed B. Fuck, I…." Faith turned around and stood in the corner, yanking at her head and hitting it against the wall.

"Faith, please. Stop. Just calm down and stop." Buffy said, becoming more panicked by the moment.

"What's Faith doing?" Dawn asked, appearing in the doorway. "What's wrong with her?" Dawn looked around for answers that nobody could give.

"Dawnie, just go back downstairs," Willow said.

Before she could reply, Dawn's eyes flashed gold and she walked over to the bed, sitting down with her back up against the headboard. Faith stopped hitting her head and moved over to the dresser across the room and began searching through her lipsticks.

"Ruby Sunset...Burgundy Skyline...Harlot. Mmmmmmm, way to go Joyce." Faith removed the cap and began applying the lipstick. "Now, normally I wouldn't be going for something this dark. But I read in some magazine that eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. Good thing pale is in this year. Or was it last year?" She leaned forward and kissed the mirror, and then turned to Dawn. "Anyway, for real now. I wanna ask you something, and I want you to promise to be honest, and to not spare my feelings just because I could kill you. You promise?"

"I promise."

"OK. How do I look?"

Dawn raised her chin defiantly. "Psychotic."

"God," Buffy said, shaking her head. "This is just great. Show Dawn how Faith terrorized our dead mother."

"Hmm," Faith said, fluffing her hair. "I was shooting for sultry, but hey. Bet I know what you're thinking."

"Really?"

"You're thinking "You'll never get away with this! Warm?" Faith smirked.

"Actually I was thinking 'My daughter is going to kill you soon'," Dawn said coldly.

"That a fact?" Faith asked, amused.

"More like a bet."

""Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce, I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute." Faith smiled knowingly and moved over to her dresser, producing a pile of letters. She lept over to the bed, landing next to Dawn. "But, look what I found. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy." Faith threw the letters onto the bed. "A lot of letters. She hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you'd think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, a crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her no less, she'd call and give you a heads up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom."

"You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me."

"Buffy, Dawn's not gonna get hurt, is she?" Willow asked worriedly.

"No, mom was fine. They just talk."

"Don't I?" Faith asked, leaning against the front of the bed. "I know what it's like. You think you matter, you think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving and you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. You just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and no-one even sees.

Dawn asked sarcastically, "Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?

"Don't tell me you don't see it Joyce. You've served you purpose, squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! Nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're going to have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. Too busy climbing onto her new boy-toy to give a single though to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you here to die!"

Suddenly the energy in the room changed and Faith and Dawn both slumped down, Faith leaning against the bed for support.

"I never knew how much she wanted a mom…" Buffy whispered.

"Buffy…" Dawn said, her voice cracking. "I felt Mom. I was mom. God…" Tears slowly started to form in her eyes. As Buffy started to move to Dawn, Faith jumped up and looked at everyone. She started back up toward the window.

"No, I can't do this again. I can't. I just…" She looked around, shaking. Faith started pulling at her hair, crying and shaking her head. "I just have to do it. End this… I'm sorry, I can't."

Faith turned to the open window and jumped out.

"Faith!" Buffy yelled, rushing to the window. She looked down and saw Faith making her way down the fire escape. She jumped onto the street and then took off running.

"Great! Just what we need! What is she THINKING?" Angel punched the wall, putting a hole through it.

Buffy didn't say anything and quickly rushed out of the room, running to the stairs.

"We have an emergency!" Buffy yelled, rushing down the stairs with Willow, Angel, and Dawn behind her. The group, sitting around eating breakfast and searching through texts, looked up at the sudden noise.

"What type of emergency?" Giles asked, standing up.

"Faith has completely gone off the deep end!"

"Buffy! CALM DOWN!" Angel exclaimed. "You panicking is not helping. Just calm down. Get some water. Dawn, will you get her some water?"

"Yeah," Dawn said, running off to get the water. Buffy sat down in a chair and crossed her legs, her whole body shaking. Dawn returned and handed her the glass of water. Buffy took a few drinks then said, "Ok, I'm calm. Now can I please tell you what happened?"

"How about I tell them what happened, Buff?" Willow asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Buffy came and got me because Faith was having a nightmare that she apparently couldn't wake up from. I just gave her a little mental yelp to wake her up, and she jumped up and started freaking out. She was talking about her mother, yelling for Angel to get away from her, stuff like that. I've never seen her act so crazy. Then she and Dawn went into a little flashback from what I would assume is when Faith woke up and went after Joyce. When it ended, she started talking about having to end it, just get it over with, and then she jumped out the window onto the fire escape."

"We have to help her," Buffy said, crying and putting her head in her hands. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have..."

"Buffy, this is no one's fault. It's the fault of whoever is causing these flashbacks to happen. We need to focus on that, and where the bloody hell Faith is."

"I could do a locator spell," Willow suggested, her voice quiet and her eyes on the ground.

"That would be helpful Willow, thank you."

"Do it fast," Angel said. "The last time she was talking about 'just doing it' and 'ending it' she was gonna kill herself."

"Wait, when was Faith suicidal?" Xander asked.

"Good Lord, everyone, get to work now. We have to find her as soon as possible."

"Can I just ask a question here?" Cordelia asked "What the hell is everyone so upset over? Maybe the best thing for everyone would be for her to kill herself. It would keep her from hurting anyone else, and-"

Cordelia was cut off by Buffy jumping from her chair and tackling her. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! Do you want me to kill you?"

Angel quickly grabbed Buffy and dragged her off, which was difficult with her screaming and thrashing around. "Buffy! STOP! Calm down!"

"Angel..." Wesley trailed off.

Angel looked up at where Cordelia had been lying, and met the eyes of a smirking Lilah Morgan.

"Damn, guess I should have stopped while I was ahead, huh?" she asked.