Quite ignorant, a red dwarf fanfic

Disclaimer: neither QI, nor red dwarf is mine. But that won't stop me writing about them.

Warning: written in the early hours of the morning by an insane teenager.

Okay, I love QI, and I love red dwarf, so in my bored and frankly quite insane state of mind I came up with this. Enjoy x.x

…….

Cue the funky QI music!

"Hello and welcome to QI, the quiz show that tests just how stupid you really are and how ashamed you should be of yourselves. I'm your host, Stephen Fry, and as usually no one knows the answers to my question, I award points for being 'quite interesting' hence the title of the show."

"Today with me I have: Alan Davies, Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, and The Cat."

The audience cheered hysterically for each one, except Rimmer, who got a bored mumble and a couple of shouts from the back row of 'hey, isn't he the guy who hangs his underwear on coat hangers?'

Stephen smiled, "So without further ado, let's check out our amusing buzzers!"

He gestured to the right side, "Cat goes-" Cat bopped his buzzer with an immaculate hand, 'I'm looking sexy!' it said, Cat grinned.

"Arnold goes-" Rimmer pressed his buzzer with a smile, which quickly faded as the sounds of Lister's guitar playing sounded across the room. 'Twang! Twang!' it went. Rimmer dropped his head into his hands, "Oh smeg."

Lister grinned, "Classic!"

"Dave goes-" Lister whacked the buzzer playfully, grimacing at the sound of Hammond organ music playing. 'Crap! Crap!' it whined at him. He groaned.

Rimmer snorted, "Ha! Serves you right Listy."

Then the sounds of a great big mallet reached their ears, smashing the music to pieces. Sounding something like this: 'Crap! Crap! Bang! Smash! Ha - take that crap!'

Rimmer's mouth fell open, "That's not fair!"

Stephen butted in, "And Alan goes-"

Alan smiled, pushing the button, 'Cashier number four please! Frooty froot frooty froot froot! Ahoy sailor!'

The audience laughed, and Stephen continued: "And I go… oh wait, that's not on my prompt sheet!"

"Cashier number four please! Frooty froot frooty froot froot! Ahoy sailor!"

Stephen looked at Alan expectantly; Alan shifted a bit, "Oh sorry, I just wanted to hear it again!"

"Okay… Let's start our first round shall we?" Stephen shuffled his cards, "Alan, why are pancakes flat?"

"Because people get angry when it sticks to the bottom and hit them flat with their frying pans."

'Because people get angry when it sticks to the bottom and hit them flat with their frying pans' flashed up on the screen. Along with lights and an annoying alarm.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear. You lose 20 points."

"20? I thought I was safe with that answer!"

"Well actually," Stephen nodded at the audience, "pancakes aren't flat. You can never have a completely flat pancake."

"Cashier number four please! Frooty froot frooty froot froot! Ahoy sailor!"

"That's a load of rubbish!" Alan huffed, "You people are just out to get me!"

"I'm looking sexy!"

"Yes Cat?"

"Me! I'm the reason why pancakes are flat!"

"But we've just established that pancakes aren't flat-"

"It's because I'm so gorgeous, whenever I come near the pancakes flop over and faint and then people walk all over them!"

"Yes… Let's move on shall we?"

"How come he doesn't get his answer flashing up on the screen with the lights and annoying alarm thing?"

Stephen coughed, "Now, I wonder if you can tell me, who the winner of the most gorgeous bum award was for 1994?"

"I'm looking sexy!"

Stephen pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose, "Yes Cat?"

Cat, flashed a tooth flashing smile, "Me!"

"Well amazingly, you're right and you've just earned yourself 10 points."

"One of my favourite jokes is about bums." Said Alan, leaning back in his chair.

"Is it really dear?"

"Yep."

"Are you going to tell us?"

"Nope."

"Well that's very mature of you."

"I'm looking sexy!"

Stephen sighed, "I'm sorry Cat, but we're going to have to take that off you if you don't stop pressing it!"

"I'm looking sexy!"

"Cashier number four please! Frooty froot frooty froot froot! Ahoy sailor!"

"Sorry" said Alan, "I felt left out."

'Crap! Crap! Bang! Smash! Ha - take that crap!'

Lister grinned, "So did I."

Rimmer shook his head defiantly, "Don't think I'm going to press my buzzer! I never want to hear that guitar again!"

Lister rolled his eyes, "Smeghead."

'Crap! Crap! Bang! Smash! Ha - take that crap!'

Rimmer shivered, "That's a violation of good music!"

"Okay, let's get on with the questioning!" said Stephen, steepling his fingers and looking at the camera, "What made oranges so special to the Greeks?"

"Twang! Twang!" Alan looked confused, his fingers hovering over the buzzer he'd just pressed, "Huh? That's not my buzzer!"

Lister pressed his experimentally, "Twang! Twang!" It was Rimmer's buzzer, of Lister's 'wonderful' guitar solo. "Wow, my guitar's never sounded so good!" he said happily.

The person who's buzzer sound it was had fallen off his chair, and was currently writhing around on the floor of the set with his fingers in his ears, "Make it stop!" He cried.

"Oh, I'm sorry Arnold," Stephen said apologetically, "it seems that the technical crew find it amusing to watch you in pain!"

"Twang! Twang!" Cat pushed his buzzer and grinned,"Everybody does!"

"Twang! Twang!" Lister whacked his

"Twang! Twang!" Alan pressed his

Stephen put a finger to his ear, "I have just been informed that the buzzers are back to normal, you can sit back down now Arnold dear."

Arnold, looking extremely relieved, sat back in his seat.

"Now where were we? Ah yes, what made oranges so special to the Greeks?"

Alan pressed his buzzer, "Twang! Twang!"

"Oh," Stephen smiled, "I have just been informed that they were lying about the buzzers."

Rimmer howled.

Lister pushed his buzzer "RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!" it screeched, Lister punched the air triumphantly, "Brutal!"

"Twang! Twang!"

"RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!"

"Twang! Twang!"

"RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!"

"Twang! Twang!"

"RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!"

"Alright, I think that's enough!" Stephen said loudly.

"But bud, I haven't even pressed mine yet!" Cat said with a pout.

The quizmaster sighed, "Oh alright then, press it."

Cat flashed his smile again, pushing the button, "GAZPACHO SOUP!" it yelled.

And so the buzzer bashing began:

"Twang! Twang!"

"RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!"

"GAZPACHO SOUP!"

"Twang! Twang!"

"RIMMER IS A SMEGHEAD!"

"GAZPACHO SOUP!"

Lister fell off his chair with laughter,

Rimmer fell off his chair because he had just fainted.

Alan fell off his chair because Lister had just pulled it from underneath him as he tried to sit down.

Cat had not fallen off his chair as he didn't want to wrinkle his suit.

"Oh dear," said Stephen, "I don't think we'll get on to the general ignorance round after all."

…….

Review please!