Chapter 2: Remus
He thinks, why didn't Severus warn us about this attack? He's supposed to be our spy, isn't he? Is Voldemort on to him? No, if he was, Severus would be dead by now ... and then he thinks, thank god Greyback attacked Bill, thank god he didn't attack one of the children, I know how much Greyback loves kids, and how much it would upset Albus if one of his students had been attacked ... Albus and Severus will be here soon, between them they might be able to do something for Bill, Albus is the greatest wizard in the world, and only Voldemort could know more than Severus about Dark magic. He imagines Albus standing by the bed, grave and concerned, and Severus standing behind Albus, looking like a great overgrown bat, scowling with contempt, he knows from bitter experience just how much Severus hates werewolves, and he knows what Severus thinks - he should have killed Fenrir Greyback by now, he won't get anywhere with the werewolves unless he becomes the leader of the pack.
And what was young Draco Malfoy up to? Draco seems to be mixed up in this in some way, what if Greyback has bitten him, Severus is going to be really angry if Greyback has attacked one of his precious Slytherins. He remembers the awful night when he forgot to take his potion, the night that he nearly attacked three young Gryffindors, the night that Wormtail escaped to join his master, the night they'd lost the opportunity to clear Sirius' name, all because he couldn't handle Sirius and Severus being at each other's throats again - he hadn't had the courage to revive Severus, he'd taken the easy way out, yet again, and it had cost them so much.
He wonders, for the thousandth time, why was Severus in such a hurry to get to the Shrieking Shack? Severus knew he hadn't taken the Wolfsbane Potion, if Severus had waited just a little while, waited until he'd transformed, Severus would have had the satisfaction of knowing that one of James Potter's best friends had killed his son, the satisfaction of knowing that Albus was wrong to trust his tame werewolf. He thinks, not for the first time, Albus has two tame monsters, his werewolf and his Death Eater, and I know what's in Severus' Ministry file, he's quite capable of taking on a werewolf, he's not sixteen any more, and the Avada Kedavra will kill a werewolf just as dead as a Muggle's silver bullet, he didn't rush to the Shrieking Shack because he was afraid to face me in my transformed state.
He thinks, was Severus just in a hurry to get his hands on Sirius, or did he really care about his students, did he really care about Harry, Ron and Hermione? Severus is such a nasty bastard to Harry, he just can't seem to be able to get over how much Harry looks like James ... but he remembers the day that Severus found Harry alone with him in his office, the day that he pretended that he was showing his Grindylow to Harry. He remembers how furious Severus had been, how his sensitive werewolf's nose had picked up the rank smell of anger, aggression and suspicion, even stronger than at the start of term feast, even stronger that at the first staff meeting he'd attended. He curses his sense of smell, it gets worse with every transformation, it wasn't such a problem when he was a boy but now it's an affliction, a constant reminder of what he is, and it tells him more than he wants to know, especially about Tonks, darling Tonks, who is standing right next to him. Surely Tonks can't still want him, she won't want him now, not now that she's seen what Greyback has done, now that she's seen what a werewolf can do.
He remembers that first staff meeting, the year that he taught Defence Against the Dark Arts. Filius had whispered in his ear, just as he was about to sink into a low armchair, "I wouldn't sit there if I were you, that's Severus' chair," and a minute later Severus had swept into the staff-room, black robes billowing, flung himself into the chair, and glared at him. He was used to almost everyone who knew that he was a werewolf smelling faintly of fear, but Severus didn't smell of fear, if he closed his eyes he could almost imagine there was another wolf in the room, a wolf raging with fury, a wolf ready to tear his throat out, a wolf ready to defend his territory, his pack and his cubs. Albus had walked into the room, stood behind Severus' chair, rested his hand on Severus' shoulder, smiled at him apologetically, and Severus had given him a look that said, plain as day, things have changed around here, I'm his favourite now, and if you try to come between us, werewolf, you're dead meat. He'd realized then, Severus will never forgive me, he'll never forget the times that I stood by and watched what James and Sirius did to him, and hell will freeze over before he ever calls me "Remus".
He sees Harry and Ginny walk through the door, Harry says that he's fine, and everyone's attention switches back to Bill. Harry is asking why the dreadful wounds can't be fixed with a charm, Ron is looking at him, asking him if Bill will be a werewolf, and he tries to comfort them, he tells them that Bill won't be a true werewolf, but the wounds are unlikely to ever heal fully, and Bill might have some wolfish characteristics from now on, but Ron bursts out angrily, he wants to know where Dumbledore is, he might know something that would work.
Ginny says, "Ron – Dumbledore's dead," and his world falls apart.
He looks wildly from Ginny to Harry and when he sees in Harry's face that it's true, he collapses into a chair beside Bill's bed, his hands over his face. Dumbledore is dead, the Headmaster is dead, his protector is dead, the man who let him come to Hogwarts, as a student and as a teacher, is dead. He remembers how he was suspected of being Voldemort's spy, of being the source of information close to the Potters, how people had whispered about him just because he was a werewolf, a Dark creature, and how Albus had stood up for him, had vouched for him, and he thinks ... I mustn't cry, I mustn't cry.
"How did he die?" whispers Tonks. "How did it happen?"
Harry tells them. "Snape killed him. I was there, I saw it. We arrived back on the Astronomy Tower because that's where the Mark was … Dumbledore was ill, he was weak, but I think he realised it was a trap when we heard footsteps running up the stairs. He immobilised me, I couldn't do anything, I was under the Invisibility Cloak – and then Malfoy came through the door and Disarmed him – more Death Eaters arrived – and then Snape – and Snape did it. The Avada Kedavra."
Severus killed Albus? Severus is a traitor, a double-agent? His heart cries out with the horror of it, and he thinks, Severus, what have you done? Albus trusted you, he trusted me, and his trust meant everything to me, and I thought his trust meant something to you, too, I thought that if it was possible for someone as twisted and bitter as you are to love anyone, you loved Albus. And he trusted you, no one else did, Mad-Eye and Sirius were the worst … but everyone else wondered, they always wondered … and I wondered too, but I thought that even if you weren't loyal to the cause, you were loyal to Albus, because he cared about you – I think he was the only person in the world who could care about you, you work so hard at being nasty to everyone else.
He thinks, you're an idiot, Severus, you're clever in the same way that Hermione is clever and you've got Slytherin cunning to boot, but you're an idiot, why do you always have to sneer and snarl, why do you have to hit out at anyone who tries to get close to you? You could have had Tonks but you threw that away, and now you've thrown your whole life away. Albus gave you a home and a job at Hogwarts for sixteen years, you would have been in Azkaban with Sirius if it hadn't been for Albus! Karkaroff named you as a Death Eater, and he wasn't the first - Mad-Eye told me that - you would have rotted in Azkaban if it hadn't been for Albus, and now you've bitten the hand that fed you, bitten it right off! Damn you, Severus, damn you, for a lying, sneaking, treacherous Slytherin, Albus trusted you, and because I had faith in Albus' judgment, I trusted you, and I defended you to Mad-Eye, to Sirius, and to Harry.
He remembers Christmas at the Burrow, when Harry had tried to warn them against Severus, and they wouldn't listen, the Christmas when he told Harry that he neither liked nor disliked Severus, and he thinks, that was a lie, and that's not the only lie I've told Harry, I told him that Severus only glimpsed me at the end of the tunnel, it was a lot worse than that but I didn't want Harry to know, I didn't want him to think badly of me. No, I didn't tell Harry what I really thought about Severus, I didn't tell him that what I felt for Severus was pity and fear.
He thinks, I learned the year that I spent teaching here that Severus is even more lonely and friendless than I am, and I was sorry for him, so I kept his secrets even though he didn't keep mine. I didn't tell anyone he was a Death Eater, and I didn't tell anyone where he sneaks off to on the weekends, when he comes back to Hogwarts stinking of London, of sweat, stale whisky, filthy Muggle cigarettes and ... other things ... when he comes slinking back to Hogwarts after a visit to the Knockturn Alley brothels. I pitied him then, and I pitied him even more when Albus sent me to spy on the werewolves and I learned what a shitty, thankless, dangerous job a spy does, when I learned how Voldemort punishes his servants if they disappoint him - Greyback has been punished plenty of times, the werewolves gossip about it – when I thought that every time the Order foiled one of Voldemort's schemes, Severus got a dose of the Cruciatus Curse.
And if I'm honest with myself, I'm afraid of Severus, he's dangerous, and maybe even a little bit mad, Sirius got the wrong idea about him in the Shrieking Shack, the kids were only able to disarm him because it was three against one and he didn't think for a minute they were a threat. I kept trying to tell Sirius to leave him alone, but Sirius wouldn't listen, he was so keen to prove himself after all those years in Azkaban, if Sirius had duelled with him last year in the kitchen at Headquarters, he would have killed Sirius.
The phoenix starts to sing and they all fall silent, he forgets his thoughts, and it seems a long time later that the hospital door opens and Minerva enters the ward. She tells them that Molly and Arthur are on their way, and the spell is broken. She asks Harry what happened, and Harry tells her, "Snape killed Dumbledore."
Minerva is as shocked as he was at the news, she stares at Harry for a moment, then sways alarmingly. Poppy conjures a chair and pushes it under her just in time.
"Snape," she repeats faintly, falling into the chair. "We all wondered … but he trusted … always … Snape … I can't believe it …"
He remembers another Christmas, he remembers saying goodbye to Harry after the Christmas when Arthur was bitten by Voldemort's snake, when he'd told Harry that Severus was a superb Occlumens, and he thinks, if Severus was good enough to deceive Voldemort, he was good enough to deceive Albus, and maybe he's been playing both ends against the middle, just waiting to see which side will win.
He says, harshly, "Snape was a highly accomplished Occlumens. We always knew that."
Tonks whispers that Albus must have known something about Severus that no one else did, and Minerva mutters that Albus always hinted that he had a reason for trusting Severus, a reason for believing that his repentance was genuine.
Harry is saying that he knows why Albus trusted Severus – that Severus passed Voldemort the information that made Voldemort hunt down Lily and James, and when he realised what he'd done, Severus was sorry.
He's stunned, he thinks, I don't believe this, no one who was at school with us would believe this, James and Severus hated each other from the moment that Severus and Sirius clashed so badly in our first week at Hogwarts.
He remembers how the fight started, the Slytherins had taunted Sirius for being Sorted into Gryffindor, a son of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, toujours pur, Sorted into Gryffindor, it was unheard of. Sirius had retaliated, he'd picked on Severus, sneered that he had never heard of a pureblood family by the name of Snape, and said, "Are you Muggle-born, Snape, I bet you're the first Mudblood ever to be Sorted into Slytherin," and Severus had gone berserk. He'd disarmed Sirius and then smashed every bone in Sirius' right arm and hand with a bone-breaking curse most of the seventh years wouldn't have even heard of. That incident certainly put an end to speculation about his background, it was generally believed that his father was a refugee who had lost everything in the war against Grindelwald and Severus was never heard to deny it, but it had made an enemy out of James, from that moment James decided that Severus was a nasty little coward, using a Dark spell like that on someone who'd been disarmed, someone who was helpless.
He thinks, James was always so quick to make up his mind about people, in that first week he decided that he liked me, that he fancied a certain red-haired Muggle-born girl - a girl who ignored him for the next six years – and that he hated that greasy little foreign git, Severus Snape - and Severus returned the feeling, with interest. If anything, he hated James more than he hated Sirius. Severus loathed Sirius, but he really hated James, jealous of his Quidditch prowess, perhaps, James was a demon on a broom and Severus was such a twitchy, awkward teenager until he turned seventeen, came of age, and turned into a graceful, dangerous young man, the kind of young man that girls noticed ... he wasn't desperate and dateless, not like me. Severus and Sirius were the bad boys of our year but plenty of pretty girls hung around them, I hope Harry never finds out what kind of a reputation Sirius had, but at least he didn't get caught shagging a girl behind the greenhouses ... I'll never understand women, I'll never get what sweet little Florence saw in Severus, he treated her like dirt. That was so long ago .. poor little Florence, I was keen on her, and now I can't even remember her surname.
"And Dumbledore believed that?" he says incredulously. "Dumbledore believed Snape was sorry James was dead? Snape hated James …"
Harry has more to say, "And he didn't think my mother was worth a damn, either … because she was Muggle-born … 'Mudblood', he called her."
He remembers when Harry told him and Sirius that he'd seen that memory in the Pensieve, and he thinks, why did Severus choose to hide that memory? I stopped James from taking Severus' underpants off, OK, I'm not proud of that incident and Minerva had a word with me about it afterwards, but worse things happened between Severus and James than that, what about the time that James broke Severus' nose, he always hated Muggle duelling worse than hexes, and James and Sirius knew it, neither of them ever missed an opportunity to rough him up, Muggle-style, if they could get his wand away from him ... James broke his nose in third year, and Severus couldn't stop himself from crying, that's how he got that cruel nick-name "Snivellus". Why didn't he hide that memory?
And he realizes, with a sudden, uncomfortable, flash of insight, whatever Severus is, he's not a coward, he was the perfect victim because he always showed defiance, he always fought back, but he couldn't take on all four of us – even though Peter and I never did much, we were there – tormenting him was exciting, thrilling, but never really dangerous. It wasn't dangerous until we were in seventh year, until Severus came of age, James and Sirius stopped hexing him then, James stopped being such a jerk once he started going out with Lily, but Sirius was a little wary of Severus in our last year at Hogwarts, not that he would ever admit it.
Minerva is blaming herself, she's saying it's all her fault, for sending Filius to fetch Severus.
He thinks, don't blame yourself, Minerva, if Severus could fool Albus, he could fool anyone, and he certainly fooled me. And I shouldn't blame myself, either, Severus showed us what kind of a vicious little beast he was back in first year, that bone-breaking curse he used on Sirius could have killed him ... and he had the nerve to say that Sirius had proved himself capable of murder at the age of sixteen! He's a dirty opportunist, he was just waiting for his chance to get in with the winning side, he probably decided to throw in his lot with Voldemort when he heard that Death Eaters had managed to break into the castle ... and who knows what Voldemort has promised to give Severus when he's the Minister for Magic, maybe he promised Severus that he'd be Headmaster here when Hogwarts has been purged of the Mudbloods and the half-bloods, the ones that Voldemort thinks are unfit to be taught magic, the ones that Voldemort thinks are unfit to exist. Well, Severus, you've chosen your master now, and you'd better not have any regrets, there's no way back for you, there are no third chances, and the Order and the Aurors will hunt you down like a dog if they can.
"It isn't your fault, Minerva," he says firmly. "We all wanted more help, we were glad to think Snape was on his way …"