What are you looking up here for? The fic is down there!

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo
By Kaori

If Gaara had any idea what was going on in Konoha that day he wouldn't have bothered visiting. Luckily for us he didn't so Kiba, Naruto, and the rest of the depraved masses (c'est vous) were about to be very entertained.

Feeling hungry, the sand jinchuuriki decided to go into Ichiraku's for a bowl of ramen. Mistake number one.

Mistake number two came a few minutes after he'd ordered a bowl of beef ramen. Someone had managed to tap him on the shoulder without his sand getting in the way and, of course, he turned around to find out who it was. Directly in his field of vision, was a pocket watch with an odd spiral pattern on it. He stared at it and it started to sway, he followed the motion with his eyes and that was the last thing he remembered before he lost consciousness.

"Heheheh, I guess not sleeping for years makes you susceptible to hypnotism." Naruto half-whispered. Naruto, after getting Gaara into a zombie-like state and eaten his ramen, had ordered Gaara to follow him and the three were now behind the Academy.

"Since when do you know words like 'susceptible'?" Kiba mocked.

"I know a lot of words I just never get the opportunity to use most of them."

"Yeah right. Anyway, now that you have him under your control, what do you plan to do with him?"

"Hmmm…you wouldn't happen to have a dog whistle do you?"

"I have the one I use when I help my sister train dogs, why?"

"Let me have it for a bit." Naruto grinned. Kiba, though sceptical, gave it to him. "Now Gaara, when you hear this sound." He blew the dog whistle. "You will sing. When you hear it again, you will stop singing, understand?" Gaara nodded his head. "Good. Let's try it." Naruto blew the whistle and Gaara started singing; Kiba and Naruto's eyes went wide.

"No...way!"

Two hours later, Kiba and Naruto were standing in the middle of the village where they had set up a makeshift stage. The two boys had changed their appearance (Kiba using a henge technique to turn himself into a sandy-haired boy with hazel eyes, and Naruto using Oiroke no Jutsu to transform into a black-haired girl with green eyes) and were drawing in a crowd.

"Ladies and gentlemen we have a rare treat for you today!" Kiba announced. "We present to you, the eighth wonder of the world! A voice so mesmerizing, so haunting, so moving that you will be utterly and totally captivated!"

"We present to you, the Desert Songbird!" Naruto grinned, and threw open the curtain on the stage revealing.

"What the hell! Isn't that that Sand kid? The crazy one from the Chounin exams!" a villager yelled. An uproar went through the crowd. Naruto, seeing the attention was completely on Gaara now, blew the whistle and Gaara started singing.

"I hold your hand in mine, dear," The crowd went silent. "I press it to my lips. / I take a healthy bite / From your dainty fingertips." Never had they heard a voice so rich, so smooth, so full of emotion. "My joy would be complete, dear/ If you were only here/ But still I keep your hand / As a precious souvenir."

Despite the appalling revelation of the last two lines, the crowd was still completely entranced by the sound of Gaara's voice. Kiba and Naruto just smiled and waited.

"The night you died I cut it off. / I really don't know why. / For now each time I kiss it /
I get bloodstains on my tie. / I'm sorry now I killed you/ For our love was something fine/" Several girls, most of whom were kunoichi from last year's graduating class, sighed. "And till they come to get me / I shall hold your hand in mine." The crowd erupted into applause and started throwing money (well most of them threw money, some young girls in the audience threw their underwear). Kiba immediately began collecting the cash as Naruto blew the whistle a second time and closed the curtain.

After three more performances like that, the two troublemakers decided to call it a day. They sat in Kiba's room counting their money while Gaara stood motionless in the corner.

"Two hundred and sixty-eight.two-hundred and sixty-nine.Hey, Naruto." Kiba started, not taking his eyes of the money.

"What, dog-boy?" Naruto replied absently, also counting money.

"What do we do about him?" he jerked his thumb towards where Gaara was standing.

"I suppose we could send him back to Wind country after we find out what he was doing here in the first place. I'll wake him up." Naruto stood up and walked over to Gaara. "When I count to three you will no longer be under my control and remember nothing of what happened. One.two.three." Naruto snapped his fingers in front of Gaara's face, Gaara's hand immediately clamped down on his wrist. "Ack!" Kiba looked up and blanched at the murderous look in Gaara's eyes.

"Uzumaki Naruto…"Gaara said slowly. "that was somewhat less than funny."

"You…you remember all of that!" Kiba stammered, backing up so that if he had to he could try and jump out of the window.

"No." Gaara said simply. "But Shukaku does and he's filling me in on the details." Naruto whimpered as he felt the sand crawling up his legs.

Outside in the village, people passing near the Inuzuka compound wondered what all the screaming was about.

Elsewhere, Umino Iruka was having problems of his own…

"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL MY LOVE FROM ME!" bellowed Jiraiya as he chased the hapless chounin.

"I SWEAR IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" cried Iruka, not sure why this was happening to him. "HOKAGE-SAMA, LET GO!"

"NO WAY! HE'LL GET ME!" screamed Tsunade as she clung onto Iruka's chounin vest.

Oh dear, whatever shall become of our heroes? Will Gaara kill Naruto and Kiba? Will Jiraiya kill Iruka? And how much more brouhaha can the village take?

By the way, "I Hold Your Hand in Mine" is by Tom Lehrer. That guy has some really depraved songs…and I love them.