Name: 50 ways to to kill voldemort: Performed! (Part 1)
I've already written '50 ways to kill voldemort' before, and this, as many of the people who read the last one, will be pleased to know that this is the sequel. But the last one wasn't a story, but a list of ways to kill him. So what if the Order, the Ministry and Hogwarts all worked together to try out these tricks? Let's find out what happened when they opened '50 ways to kill voldemort'... Oh, and another thing, at this time the wizards and witches have become familiar with muggle technology... Just so you know.
WARNING This fic contains minor sexual reference, fake sex search websites and moderate bad language. Thanks and enjoy!
By the way, if you haven't read the prequel, read it now!
And so we begin...
An old, withered looking man was sat at his computer at home, his eyes fixed on the glowing screen, his half-moon spectacles reflecting the screen's light. He had a smug grin on his face, and occasionally laughed as he browsed the unprotected porn sites.
"Oh, my, yes, this is the stuff... Hohoho..."
There was a knock on the door behind him, and a young voice spoke through the gap at the side of the door.
"Dumbledore? What are you doing in there?"
The man sat at the computer jumped, and instinctively closed the rude webpage.
"Oh wizzlesticks, I don't even know the address..." The old man groaned. He sobbed quietly by himself and muttered "Come in, Harry."
A tall boy of 19 years pushed the door open and gazed at the upset Dumbledore lying across the table. He closed the door behind him and approached the old man.
"Dumbledore, sir? Can we talk for a moment? Ron let the gnomes run free in the garden again and some mad guy with a pair of sub-machine guns if running after them."
"I'll be down there in a few ticks, Harry. I need to be alone with the porn si- uh, computer for a minute..."
Harry hesitated, and looked Dubledore over suspiciously.
"Did you just say "porn's eye?" " Harry questioned.
"No, Harry, I didn't say "porn's eye". Now go out and help that madman murder those gnomes inhumanely." Dumbledore sighed, waving a hand in the direction of the tall wooden door behind Harry.
Harry obeyed without further questioning and left Dumbledore alone in the room. The old man removed his specs and gazed up at his computer again.
He current browser was on which was a very rude search engine. The reason it was on this site was because it was Dumbledore's chosen homepage, top favourite site and it's logo was his desktop background.
Dumbledore took advantage of the opprtunity and clicked the search text box, and typed:
'How to kill 50 gnomes WITHOUT Voldemort's help"
Obviously, like ALL search engines do in real life, and even though Dumbledore clearly typed 'without', supplied him with ways to kill several gnomes WITH Voldemort's help.
In his frustration, Dumbledore moved his mouse so that the pointer hovered over the large 'X' in the corner of the screen, but something told him not to do it... Something told him to keep looking...
Dumbledore's hunches were normally about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but this time he decided to go with it, as it could just help him out this time.
And so he scrolled down, down the page, his index finger not resting until finally, he came upon a fairly odd site with a fairly exciting name...
50 ways to kill Voldemort...
Use the killing spell on him. Duh. 2: Punch him in the...
31:Get Dumbledore on him. 32: Ask him if he'd like to ta...
Dumbledore clicked the link without any form of hesitation, fright or crapping himself (Well, maybe just one) and waited as his excrutiatingly slow connection, 'Dial-up with Wanapoo', who claimed that they had 'wizard prices', to load up the fairly uncomplicated webpage.
After about ten minutes worth of sitting there and watching strips of internet information load painfully slow, he spotted a 'fic', written by someone called 'Silo'.
Ignoring the horribly load and seemingly nearby gun shots from outside, he clicked the link and read the large list of ways to kill a Dark Wizard.
His eyes didn't rest until he'd reached the bottom, number 50, and then he checked out the reviews.
But with the reviews he disagreed, He read people stating comments that this list was 'amusing' and 'funny'... But Dumbledore thought it was genious!
"Why the Hell didn't I think of any of that? This is brilliant! We can use this against the bucket-chewing rarscart!"
He switched on his crappy Epson -0.1 edition and printed the list off in a handy piece of parchment, then left his computer and went out to join in the sadistic fun of mutilating gnomes and murdering purple sheep.
Meanwhile, Miles away, Voldemort was sat on a very uncomfortable and torn up armchair, which looked as though it had suffered a few super-sonic farts to date.
Voldemort shuffled and squirmed, and then impatiently shouted out loud "Wormtail! Where's my breakfast?"
"Coming sir!" A high-pitched and squeaky voice called from a dark room behind a door by Voldemort's chair. There was a lot of clanging and screaming in pain, and a random horse whinnied. Finally, a plump man wheeled out a desk on four wheeled legs, and sat on the top was a large brass bucket.
"Gimme that!" Voldemort snapped, and he snatched the bucket off the copper wheelie desk and began to chew the lip.
While he was gnawing the bucket, Wormtail pushed the desk back into the room, and without noticing, ran over an evil houself.
Voldemort plunged his teeth into the base of the bucket and ripped out chards of brass, munching them up in his mouth, and then threw the bucket out of an already smashed window onto a pile of already-chewed buckets lying in a heap outside. He forced himself out of his armchair, stretched, and strolled upstairs quietly. When he reached the top, he took an immediate left and walked head-first into a brick wall, then turned around and stared at an unsturdy door to his right.
The door knob was also falling apart, so he took a while fiddling with it to try and get the door open.
But he didn't notice how loud the fiddling had become.
Wormtail burst out of the kitchenm again, and upon noticing, Voldemort's chair was empty, he called out for him.
"Voldy! VOLDEEEE! You didn't jump out the window again, did you?" Wormtail cried, and he sprinted over to the smashed window and examined the many mutilated buckets lying around.
Voldemort had to be quick; he shoved the doorknob into the gap, and twisted it and turned it- but the door just wouldn't open. He decided to open it by force- He reached for his wand at pointed at the door. Unfortunately for him, his wand connected with the unstable door, and his wand snapped.
Voldemort helplessly held it up to himself and whispered "Oh bugger."
Yet another unfotunate event unfolded- Voldemort was oblivious to the fact that the Half-Blood prince had also made another spell nobody but himself knew of- Obugga.
The effect was magnificent yet random- Voldemort was launched across the stout landing and into the brick wall behind him, then he was forced back towards the door he was trying to open at twice the speed; the door was blasted open and he went flying through. He released his wand and he fell to the ground, rubbing the back of his neck,
Wormtail ran into the brick wall opposite and fell all the way down the stairs. He cursed, and ran all the way back up again and charged into the room where Voldemort lay, aching all over.
Wormtail gazed back at the brick wall.
"Why did we even build that?"
He looked back at Voldemort, and put his hands on his hips. "Tut tut tut. Voldy, you know you're not supposed to leave your armchair! You could sprain your rectum again. And we don't want that happening again now, do we?"
Voldemort scowled and got up, brushing himself down, allowing little pieces of debri once hooked onto his clothes to fall down and die horribly on the floor. "I'm perfectly fine. I was just up here, fiddling with the door's knob a little, then I Obugga'd my wand and I was launched through this door by an unseen force."
Voldemort inspected Wormtail's sickened expression. "Oh, my Gollywaggles! How vulgar! Right, no more 'Television X' for you every weekend." Wormtail screeched.
"But WHY! I don't deserve this! This is SO unfair! Arrrrrrrgghhh!"
"Because you're saying rude things!" Wormtail claimed.
"What's wrong with trying to open a door?" Voldemort questioned angrily.
"You- what? Oh... right... Um, well, I guess you're not banned then... I thought you were doing-"
"No." Voldemort finished.
"Right... Ahem... Then what were you doing up here?"
"Fine. I'll explain. And don't interrupt because you know how messy that makes me."
Wormtail nodded.
"Right... The reason I left my chair was because I have just concucted the most genius plan to shave that old git, Dumbledore's beard off!"
Wormtail raised an eyebrow. "Use a shaver?" He asked blankly.
"No, it's an expression you mousey fool! Look up!"
Wormtail obeyed Voldemort and stared up at the ceiling, but could see nothing of interest. Then, without expecting it, Wormtail was wedgied from behind by someone.
"Argh! My non-existant grapes!" Wormtail cried out, shoving his underwear back beneath his pants.
Voldemort cackled evilly. "Sorry, I just HAD to do that."
He cleared his throat and commanded Wormtail to gaze at the ceiling again. But this time, Voldemort's hand reached up and grasped at something, something that wasn't there. Wormtail continued to stare at the place where Voldemort's hand kept clasping at the ceiling.
"Where the hell is it?" Voldemort muttered. He withdrew his hand and dragged a stool by the wall towards him, then stood on it and continued grasping above his until he hit something. "Ah-hah!"
His hand closed around something invisible, and tugged downwards. Perhaps a little too sharply...
In his attempt to make the suspense dramatic, Voldemort somehow managed to bring almost the whole ceiling down by tugging on the unseen object, allowing sunlight to breech the room.
"Well, at least now we can shed some light on the matter!" Wormtail chuckled. Poor joke Wormtail, poor joke.
Voldemort, although a little disorientated, pulled something and a wavey invisibility cloak revealed a bird cage with a slightly mortified Phoenix lying inside it.
"Now do you see me plan? With a Phoenix feather added to my blood, I will be able to come back to life each time I am defeated! Horcruxes are of no use to me anymore! As long as I have Phoenix blood, I am immortal!... Not to mention that I can fart fire, too." Voldemort roared.
"Oh my... I guess I'll have to keep you off the curry-filled buckets for a while then." Wormtail commented.
"Now Wormtail, we haven't much time! You must help me get the blood of this Phoenix into my veins!"
Wormtail considered for a moment, then spoke. "Shouldn't you threaten the Dumbledore bloke that you control his Fawkes now?"
Voldemort grinned down at him. "Excellent idea, Wormknob! We shall negotiate with the white bearded one first!"
Voldemort's laughter filled the skies with the kind of terror you'd get if you were being chased by a hedgehog who's name wasn't 'Sonic'. But Voldemort's laughter halted abruptly. He peered down at his slightly wet trousers.
"Oh dear. Wormtail, I've done it again."
Back where Dumbledore is, he, Harry and the psychotic maniac had finished dispatching all the menacing gnomes in their garden.
"Right. That's all of them I reckon." Dumbledore said proudly.
"Well, I suppose you could say it's all of them. Those two the crazy guy shoved down his pants are pretty much done for down there." Harry indicated a couple of writhing shapes wriggling about under the gun-wielding man's jeans.
"I suppose you're right. Well, I'm going back onto the computer... This 'Silo' guy might be able to help me out further..."
Harry frowned. "What Silo guy?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing, Harry. Now you go out to the fields with Ron and the Ginger bread man and go and pick me some nippleseeds."
With this incredibly smart distraction, Dumbledore made his way up, almost forgetting his main objective by salivating over the image of free porn sites.
He booted his computer, then turned it on.
As he entered his user, his 'MSN mssenger' automatically signed in for him, and he was immediately spammed by an unknown contact. Dumbledore allowed contact between him and this person, and within seconds, the unknown member's name was revealed: ':D Purple buckets make me happy :D :P EVIL RULEZ :P'
"Purple buckets..." Dumble mumbled to himself, and then it hit him.
"Mum!"
He opened a messenger window for this contact and typed 'Hi mum', and sent the message.
But then she invited him to start sending webcam, and he foolishly accepted.
The image shown was a snakey visage, similar to that of Lord Voldemort.
"Voldemort!" Dumbledore gasped.
Dumbledore's webcam started up, so now they could see each other very clearly.
"Mum? Wot do u mean, mum?" Voldemort replied.
Dumbledore hit numerous keys matching an answer and hit 'send'.
"Soz, I thort u wer my mum 4 a sec den" Dumbledore typed.
Dumbledore watched Voldemort's expression; his face reddened and his lips pursed, and his eyes met his keyboard as he typed a responding message.
"DO I LUK LYK UR MUM 2 U?" Voldemort answered- the large capital letters depicted his ultimate fury, and the moving image of his onscreen showed him wringing Wormtail's neck for no apparrent reason.
'Well, he does kind of look like her,' Dumbledore though, but then he thought it best to get straight to the point.
"Wot do u wont?" Dumbledore typed, and awaited a reply. Looking at the webcam's picture, he saw Voldemort hopping up and down in the background, flapping his arms like an immature little girl and obviously singing along to a Barney the Dinosaur song. Dumbledore stifled his laughter and watched Voldemort prance about for a bit, then run over to his computer and read Dumbledore's message.
"Ah yes, my brill plan. I hav ur phoenix, Forks, in hosty" Voldemort quickly typed.
Upon reading this, Dumbledore slapped his hands to his face in shock, then replied swiftly.
"Itz Fawkes not forks u dum ass"
Voldemort's mouth opened into a tiny little 'o' shape. He gazed down at his keyboard and typed again.
":O" "O well i hav him n e way"
"Giv im bak or else"
"Or else wot"
Dumbledore thought for a moment, then changed the subject.
"Wot r u doin tonite"
"Im usin ur Fawkes blud 2 make me invincible"
"Ah rite" Dumbledore replied glumly. "I woz hopin it wud be mor plezzant dan dat"
"Cum by my house tomoz an we will negotiate Fawkes life" Voldemort responded.
Dumbledore widened his eyes. On the webcam he saw Wormtail slapping Voldemort upside the head, and his lips were moving in a repetetive position which looked like they were producing the words 'Very rude'.
"Ok I'll cum on ur house tomoz Voldemort :P" Dumbledore answered.
Voldemort fell off his chair with Wormtail pouncing on him and slapping him repeatedly. Voldemort's shaking hand reached up for his mouse, and somehow managed to click 'microphone'. Dumbledore could hear what was going on, and it sounded horrible; Voldemort screaming, Wormtail nagging about something like "He thought you meant it the rude way" and very loud Barney music ringing in the background.
It wasn't the things that were happening that were horrible, it was the fact that his computer received the sounds on mono- Dumbledore's only working speaker fizzled and dropped onto the floor beside him.
He looked back at the webcam pictures and saw Wormtail fly backwards out of the room, and a very ravaged-looking Voldemort appear from below the webcam's vision.
"COME by tomoz ok?" Voldemort typed, gazing at his screen, looking exhausted.
Dumbledore showed his middle finger to his own webcam, which exploded for no reason at all, and looked back at Voldemort- By seeing Dumbledore's gesture, he looked as though he'd just swallowed something very sour and mingin'.
Dumbledore turned off his computer and walked out of the room.
"I have to show up tomorrow, or my Phoenix is history." He said to himself sorrowfully.
Just then, a gigantic moose wandered past the window, breathing fire on squirrels and geese. Why? Because it wanted to.
And that concludes part one because right now, I'm moderately bored, and I have some other stuff to get done. If this does well like the last one did, then I'll make a sequel, and it'll be good, promise:D
But for now, while you're stopping by, why not review?
Thanks, see you later! And read my other fics!
;) Silo