Chapter Rating: PG - 15 for Language
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- V -
Unable
Naruto's blood was like a river which flowed deeper than all the blood of his clan put together – and it was flowing over him. He turned to his side in bed, flexing his fingers.
They were long and tapered, skilled at what they did – forming jutsus and taking life. When they had been shorter than they were now, over half a decade ago, these same fingers had gone right through Naruto. Right through him and back again. The blood that stained them prevented him from wiping his eyes when the unbidden, hot, angry tears fell. He was afraid the blood might get into his eyes, painting the cornea and staining his eyes a permanent red. Or maybe it had already.
Maybe that's what the Sharingan was.
It was blood. Naruto's.
So Sasuke understood that Naruto had every right to feel what he did. Every right to feel whatever it was that he felt towards – or for – Sasuke.
But Naruto didn't know. He didn't know Sasuke had punished himself enough.
And Sasuke understood that as well.
o-o-o-o-o
He'd grown. Sasuke watched Naruto, the Sharingan swirling in his eyes. Naruto's movements were so different from before. From that fight.
That fight, Sasuke had memorized. He'd memorized every movement Naruto had made. The little jumps in his muscles, the expressions on his face.
What he remembered most though, were Naruto's eyes which, not once, during the entire fight, had been blank. There had been words written within the blue – and then red – depths. Words and words. Tons of them. Words Sasuke had memorized as well.
Yet, for the life of him, no matter how hard he tried, those words could never find substance on his lips. They could never take shape. His tongue felt clumsy and heavy when he tried to shape them out and Sasuke found, that though he'd memorized them, it felt that they weren't in a language he could understand. He'd memorized sounds. Sounds whose meanings were out of his reach.
When Sasuke was alone, he tried to put meaning behind the words that he'd found in Naruto's eyes. He always failed.
Sasuke started. Eyes that had always held so much were turned to where he was, looking at him now.
There was an emptiness in those eyes that he'd never seen before and it perturbed him. He jumped off of the tree limb he'd been perched upon and found himself face to face with Naruto.
Naruto's eyes seemed to take him all in and Sasuke suddenly got the strange feeling of being pulled. There was a tug at his naval, as Naruto looked at him and Sasuke almost felt sure, that Naruto was using him to fill the empty space in his eyes. Sasuke dimly wondered, how much space he could fill up. After all, he was barely anything at all. He was just a husk. Nothing else.
Yet when Naruto's gaze met his again, the blue depths were no longer empty and words filled them again. This time, they were words Sasuke was familiar with.
"I hate you." Naruto said, voice steady and nonchalant. Like he had just informed Sasuke that it would be raining soon and Sasuke was stupid for being outside with no umbrella.
"I know." Sasuke whispered.
There, again, humming in his fingertips, was the urge to reach out and touch Naruto again. Again? Again.
And again. And again.
"Good." Naruto said, nodding.
Naruto turned, walking away.
"Naruto, I—" Sasuke watched as Naruto paused, back still turned to him.
He moved a hand through his hair, pushing it back in frustration. Naruto turned slightly, his eyes slanted towards Sasuke and he caught the nervousness in him as Sasuke's tongue darted out to lick unsteady lips.
Sasuke's arm dropped to his side and Naruto watched it fall limp, eyes almost wary.
"Naruto. I…" Sasuke tried again and Naruto's eyes traveled up to meet his again.
"I know." Naruto whispered.
And then he was walking away and Sasuke could only watch.
o-o-o-o-o
Sakura smiled down at Lee whose head lay on her lap. Her hand rested over his heart; his hand lay on top of hers, fingers laced lazily together. A shadow fell over the both of them and Sakura shaded her eyes with her free hand and looked up.
"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura said, smiling.
The honorific was not lost to Sasuke.
Lee sat up, looking at Sakura for a moment. When he saw that Sakura did not seem angry or disturbed by Sasuke's presence, he looked up at the younger man and smiled as well.
"Please. Join us." Lee said, gesturing towards the space in front of Sakura and himself.
Sasuke hesitated for a moment, before deciding it would be best if he took the invitation. There was an uneasiness in the air that Sasuke was beginning to tire of.
"Sakura." He began, not really sure about what he wanted to say exactly. "I have a request to make."
Sakura nodded for him to continue.
He watched as her eyes grew wide before a sudden warmth filled them as he made his request. She smiled. It was only then that he realized, he missed seeing smiles. Before he knew it, a small one graced his lips as well. But it was gone before it could really turn into anything and instead, he simply nodded his thanks at her acceptance.
He stayed for a little while, and listened to Sakura talk about nothing in particular. A playful nudge from Lee led into something else and soon the couple before him began traipsing along the border of Intimate and Sasuke thought it wise to take his leave.
It really was a beautiful day; even Sasuke couldn't deny it as he gazed up at the sky from his perch at the top of the hill he had walked to after leaving Lee and Sakura.
"I never thought of you as the cloud-watching type."
Sasuke looked down, smirking, before turning around to face the owner of the voice.
"I'm not." He replied.
Shikamaru didn't react to that; it was as if Sasuke had never spoken. His eyes were directed towards the heavens, watching as the rolling masses of white passed by. Shikamaru had matured into something no one would have expected him to have matured into. He had become strikingly and exquisitely sculpted. Much like his father, but with something else. Something more. But it was obvious, by the way Shikamaru stared intently up at the sky, on the inside, he had not changed by much.
Then, he dropped his eyes to look at Sasuke.
"Do you expect me to be present?" He asked.
It took Sasuke a couple of seconds to realize what Shikamaru was talking about. Sakura had wasted no time.
"Yes. If it won't be too…troublesome." Sasuke smirked.
Shikamaru waved the statement away.
"Hai, hai."
Then the other's gaze was directed towards the sky again and Sasuke felt that he might as well have been alone on that hill.
But then again – wasn't he always?
o-o-o-o-o
Naruto tugged at his collar; restless. He was early and the only ones present apart from him were Sakura and Lee. But that was to be expected, since this was Sakura's apartment and Lee might as well have been living with her. Hinata was there as well but she was holed up in the kitchen with Sakura, cooking. That was probably the only bright spot in Naruto's day – which, ever since dawn when he was pretty sure that Sasuke was watching him again, was slowly but surely creeping its way to Hell. Hinata was a fantastic cook. The food she made seemed not of this world. Neji sure was lucky.
As if on cue, Neji entered the apartment, leaving his sandals in the entrance hallway. Sakura popped her head out of the kitchen at the sound of her apartment door opening.
"Neji! There you are." Sakura smiled.
Neji nodded in greeting and looked behind Sakura at Hinata, who had turned around at Neji's name. She smiled meekly at him and he returned hers with one of his own. Though there was nothing meek in Neji's.
Naruto watched as Neji walked over to Sakura and hand her the groceries she had asked for, as well as her change.
"Arigatou." Sakura smiled before shoving Neji out of the kitchen.
"We don't need any men getting in the way." She laughed.
Hinata's laugh soon followed and Naruto smiled fondly at the sprinkling of red that dusted Hinata's cheeks. Although she'd grown into a beautiful woman and gained a sort of silent confidence; her blushes remained and Naruto enjoyed them. And from the look on Neji's face, he did too. Naruto smiled wryly to himself before Neji turned around, glaring at him. Then, Naruto laughed, before looking the other way.
"Ne, Neji, do you know why we're here?" Naruto asked when he was sure Neji wasn't going to punch his face in for watching him.
Neji paused for a second before shrugging and looking out of the window. But Naruto knew, he was using those eyes of his to watch Hinata. He snickered, before Neji turned to glare at him again. Naruto grinned mischievously before cocking his head to the side in a sort of bow as an apology, the grin slipping off his face.
It was half an hour before the others began to arrive. Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba and Shino all came almost simultaneously. Tenten was the last to arrive, bringing with her desserts and fruits.
Naruto settled down, and when Sakura and Hinata finally emerged from the kitchen, Naruto's eyes lit up at the sight of all the food they had made. Pumping his fist in the air, Naruto immediately sat at the head of the table that could seat six.
"Naruto, get off that chair; we're not eating at the table. It wouldn't be fair to those who won't have a place." Sakura said, placing the food along the table.
Hinata placed a pile of plates at one end of the table as well as the cutlery.
"A buffet!" Naruto exclaimed; the pout that was on his lips earlier on after Sakura had told him to get off the chair disappearing miraculously.
Sakura sighed in exasperation.
"Leave enough for the others, Naruto." then, turning to the others, "don't let him touch anything." She said as she disappeared into the kitchen.
The pout reappeared and he slumped back into the chair he had pounced on, arms crossed in front of him. From the corner of is eye, he could see Neji shaking his head, as if at a loss.
When Sakura reappeared with Hinata, their aprons were gone and Sakura brushed the hair out of her eyes before smiling brightly and saying, "Ok everyone! Help yourself!"
Neither Chouji nor Naruto needed telling twice.
Thirty minutes into dinner, there was a knock on the door. Being the closest to it, Naruto jumped up from the sofa, trusting the guarding of his plate to Lee and walked down the small hallway that connected the front door to the living room.
The front door was blocked by numerous sandals and he frowned, thinking he ought to buy Sakura a shoe rack or something. He pushed the footwear away from the door with his feet, one hand pressed against the doorframe, the arm of which was straightened for balance. It was proving to be difficult as he tried to arrange the sandals in need little rows against the wall without piling up on top of each other. A pair of sandals which he was sure belonged to Neji were streaked white from the dust on the sole of sandals he was sure belonged to Kiba. Looking behind him, he left the shoes as they were, to make it seem Kiba had just thrown his sandals like that, and was the reason why Neji's usually perfectly black sandals now had streaks of white. In the semi-dark – the light bulb in the overhead lamp of the hall had gone a couple of hours ago – the white streak seemed to glow. Naruto gulped.
He fumbled the door open, all the while debating whether he should just pick up Neji's sandals and just clean them before Neji found out. He grimaced at the thought. The door-chain prevented the door from opening all the way and Naruto chuckled nervously.
"Sorry…" He called, not looking outside as he shut the door again.
He removed the chain before opening the door all the way, carefully stepping over Neji and Kiba's sandals – so as to not disrupt their current positions – as he moved back to make room for the door. He ended up trapped behind the door and didn't see who'd come in until he had shut the door again.
He laughed nervously, scratching his head as he turned around to warn the other not to step on Neji and Kiba's shoes. He froze.
"Naruto, who was it?" Sakura's voice from the living room sounded out.
Naruto's eyes didn't leave Sasuke's and Sakura's question was left unanswered.
"It's me." Sasuke called out.
Immediately, the living room went quiet and Naruto watched, tense, as Sasuke carefully removed his sandals and put them neatly to the side, where Neji's sandals had once been. Sasuke straightened and looked at Naruto, as if waiting for him to say or do something. When Naruto did nothing, Sasuke nodded, as a sort of greeting and walked past him, stepping into the living room. Naruto's eyes never left him.
When the wall obstructed his view of Sasuke as Sasuke turned into the living room, Naruto's eyes fell slowly to the ground. He found his own sandals, discarded carelessly further away from the door and he debated leaving. By the way Sakura had not appeared when Sasuke had informed her it was him; Naruto knew she had been expecting him. The muscles in his jaw worked as he gritted his teeth, frustration and anger seething through him. Why hadn't Sakura told him he was going to be there!
Oh. Right.
Probably because she knew he wouldn't have shown up otherwise.
He listened to the greetings that were exchanged before the conversation began to pick up again and the words of his friends began to merge and all he heard was noise. His eyes grew dark as he stared intently at his sandals, his back against the wall. He sighed in frustration. A hand came up to run through his messy blond hair, coming to rest on the back of his neck, which he rubbed roughly, trying to ease the ache there formed by tension.
This always happened. Always fucking happened.
He glanced up at the light coming from the living room, a shadow cast on the floor from someone around the corner. Laughter bubbled up from the room and although it was uneasy, Naruto felt sick to hear it.
How could they just let him in like that? He clenched and unclenched his fists before deciding to return to the others. When he emerged from the hallway, the room went still as all eyes turned towards Naruto. He kept his head down, walking towards his spot on the couch and Lee put his plate of food back down on his lap. He pushed the food around on his plate, listening to the conversation that was beginning to pick up again.
Sentences were jumbled and Naruto tried desperately to keep up with the others, but he found that his mind was filtering everything the others said and waiting for Sasuke to speak. Sasuke was silent and when Naruto looked up, he saw that Sasuke was watching him again. Naruto looked away, irritated without really knowing why.
He got up and walked into the kitchen, the swinging door cutting him off from the others. He carefully emptied his plate into the trashcan and proceeded to wash his plate.
The gold plating that went around the plate glinted in the overhead lights and Naruto traced it with his fingers, the cold water still streaming down the plate, making the plate cool to the touch. He closed the tap. He dried the plate with a dishcloth, slowly.
Washing dishes had always been something Naruto hated but he took his time with it now because it gave him time to think. He rubbed the plate, cleaning it, the way he wished he could wipe away the image that was burned in his mind of Sasuke looking at him from across the room. He wiped the plate clean, the way he wished he could wipe his memory clean from thoughts of Sasuke and that day.
That day.
He would give anything to forget that day. How else could he get his thoughts straight, his mind sorted and have his dreams be dreams again and not nightmares?
He wanted to forget. In his mind, Sasuke stood between him and everything else in the world. Because, if he thought, real hard – really really hard – Worlds made up of everything within him collided and none of them mattered at all. In the end, all that was left were the Words Sasuke had left him with.
"You're my best friend."
And they seemed to fade. And sometimes, Naruto wondered if he'd heard Sasuke wrong.
And other times, he wished he had.
By the time Naruto left the kitchen, the others had begun eating their desserts. One look at him and Sakura thrust a bowl of ice cream under his nose, smiling pleadingly up at him.
In their Genin days, this expression used to be a knock on the head and an insult. But now, although it was gentler, less of a demand and more of a plea, the meaning behind it remained the same.
Please be good to Sasuke-kun.
Naruto wanted to shove the bowl of ice cream back at Sakura and leave. Instead, he gripped the bowl till his knuckles turned white. Over the ice cream he saw Shikamaru and Neji, who were sitting side by side, watching him steadily. Naruto turned away from them and sat down and began eating his ice cream. It felt like eating tar.
As soon as Sasuke stood, the room went silent. The silence was different however. It was not awkward. It was expectant. Sasuke watched as Naruto shifted slightly. Apart from himself, Naruto was the only one who had remained silent the entire time he was here. Even Neji contributed to the conversation about nothing.
"Thank you all for coming." The thanks fell just slightly short of flat and Sasuke tried to adjust his tone. "And thank you, Sakura, for doing all of this for me."
Sakura didn't say anything but she smiled meekly, her eyes darting over to Naruto.
"I am here to apologize."
At this, Naruto's head shot up and he looked at Sasuke, who was steadily avoiding his gaze. He set his bowl of ice cream down, having eaten only two bites and carefully skirted the room so he was standing in the corner farthest away from Sasuke and, coincidentally, the corner closest to the door.
"Tomorrow is my trial with the Village Council so I thought it best to apologize now. I am, though most of you may think otherwise, very sorry."
Neji watched Sasuke and he felt Hinata shift besides him.
"I am not asking for forgiveness." Sasuke said. "I just want you to know that I am."
Sasuke's eyes traveled over everyone's heads to rest on Naruto's face. Neji could see the frown that Naruto wore.
"Sorry. You're sorry. You're very sorry." Naruto whispered.
The room was still and everyone seemed to be holding their breaths, not daring to turn around to look at Naruto. The only one facing him was Sasuke.
When the front door was tugged open with a force that ripped the door chain off and then was slammed with just as much force; Neji was not surprised. No one in the room was surprised. Everyone had expected Naruto to react this way. What did surprise the others however, was that Sasuke went after him.
Immediately Neji stood, ready to pull Sasuke back and ask him if he was insane to go after Naruto. But a gentle hand on his arm stopped him and looking down, white eyes stared up into his own and he sat back down after a moment's hesitation. After all; Hinata's eyes always saw what his did not.
It was raining outside and Naruto turned his face up to the rain, thankful for the cool drops. He felt like he was burning; heating up. Behind him, Sasuke stood.
"You won't listen will you?" Sasuke demanded, his hands clenching into fists.
"I'd be an idiot to listen." Naruto said, quietly, before he turned to face Sasuke.
"You are an idiot." Sasuke snapped; irritation and anger rising in him.
Naruto's eyes narrowed.
"Do you honestly expect me to listen? Why? What have you got to say that you haven't said before?"
"Naruto. I never apologized before tonight."
Naruto's eyes widened slightly before he looked away, angry.
"I—You…You don't even know what you're apologizing for!" Naruto shouted, fists clenched at his side as he stared angrily at the ground.
"Everything." Sasuke breathed.
Naruto's eyes widened again before he looked up.
"What?" Naruto asked, taking a subconscious step back from Sasuke.
"Everything. I'm sorry for everything."
Naruto looked at him, his gaze steady.
"Sasuke," his name rolled easily off his tongue and Naruto fought to suppress the unexplainable shudder that followed the name. "You don't even know what 'everything' means."
Naruto watched as Sasuke faltered for a moment – just a millisecond, but it happened and Naruto caught it. He stuffed his hands inside his pockets and looked up again, first at the sky and then at one of the apartment windows. He could see Sakura's outline, silhouetted against the lights of her apartment.
Sasuke watched Naruto's expression and envied the other boy. He had always been so open about his emotions. He had never been afraid to show them. Never been ashamed of them. When Naruto looked back at Sasuke, it was with the same, drained expression he had seen before. The emptiness in the blue eyes shocked him again. And once more, Sasuke got the feeling that Naruto was using him to fill his eyes again. Naruto looked away and when he looked back at Sasuke, Sasuke felt as if he had been thrown off balance.
"Everything." Naruto said quietly, sadly. "I wish, I could show you. What everything means."
When Naruto walked away again, Sasuke promised – no, he swore to himself, that that would be the last time he'd let Naruto walk away. He engraved the image of Naruto walking away in his mind because it would be the last time he'd ever see it. Next time, he wouldn't let Naruto run.
He wouldn't let Naruto run and make the same mistake he had.
When Sasuke returned to Sakura's apartment, everyone looked at him expectantly.
"He left." Was all he said.
Sasuke sat in his old spot near the wall and not soon afterwards, Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji were leaving; followed by Kiba, Shino and Tenten. Hinata stayed behind to help Sakura with the cleaning up; even after Sakura insisted – several times – that she had it covered. So the kunoichi disappeared into the kitchen, followed by Lee, who had the duty of putting away leftovers.
Neji was standing, looking out of the window Sasuke sat next to. When Sasuke felt Neji's gaze upon him, his first reaction was to ignore it. Instead, he turned his head and looked right back at Neji, his gaze unfaltering.
"When you left, we all thought Naruto would change." Neji said, his voice even and emotionless.
Sasuke scoffed. "Well, obviously he hasn't."
Neji chuckled, bitterness lacing the sound.
"Seven years have passed, Uchiha, and you expect him to not have changed?"
Sasuke stood then, not wanting to have to look up at the Hyuuga.
"You know, of the promise he'd made to Sakura." Neji whispered, not so much as flinching at the glare directed towards him. "That promise consumed him, and all he wanted was to bring you back. He would have, as well if…" Neji paused then, as if he thought he'd said too much.
He frowned as he turned to look outside in the rain.
"Complete your sentences, Hyuuga." Sasuke snapped, his own dark eyes having never left the Hyuuga's face.
Neji turned back to Sasuke. "It is not my place."
Sasuke frowned but said nothing. He merely sat back down, looking straight ahead.
Five minutes later, the others exited from the kitchen and both Neji and Hinata left soon afterwards. Sasuke trained his eyes on Sakura and Lee picked up on it.
"I'll leave you two alone. I'll be in the shower if you need me." Lee whispered.
Sakura nodded, before sitting down on the couch. Sasuke stood, and sat on the armchair adjacent to the sofa.
"I want to thank you again, Sakura."
"It really isn't a problem. I'm only sorry Naruto left like that." She smiled, sadly.
Sasuke nodded but didn't say anything. Sakura reached over and patted him gently on the shoulder nearest to her.
"Neji was telling me. About Naruto's promise to you." Sasuke said, resisting the urge to shrug off her hand.
Sakura's smile disappeared and so did her hand from his shoulder.
"It was, in the end, impossible for him to fulfill. First the war broke out – and you could imagine how torn he was. But he stayed. To defend the village. He figured you could take care of yourself. Most of us had just assumed you were gone. Naruto never did. He never lost faith in you."
Sasuke was startled to hear this. By the way Naruto looked at him and spoke to him, it seemed that faith was the last thing Naruto had in Sasuke.
"He had always hoped to bring you back, he really did. But then…then…seventeen months into the war, something happened to Naruto. He became…He was always ill and although he was still a force to be reckoned with, he was in constant pain. He never told any of us, until Hinata discovered something strange about Naruto. His Chakra kept on flickering and…we had no idea what was happening."
Sakura had to pause to collect herself. Her mind was swimming with memories and she couldn't make out one from the other. Sakura breathed in a gulp of air.
"But we didn't think it was…too bad. But we kept him away from the frontlines. Of course. He didn't listen."
The smile on Sakura's face almost made him flinch. It was a desperate attempt to make everything seem lighter yet it did the opposite.
"He got hurt." Sakura whispered and Sasuke knew, that Naruto was more than just 'hurt'. "We barely recognized him…We thought we'd lost him. But he was alive. That scary ability he has to heal kept him alive. But after that, there was something definitely wrong with Naruto. Before, it was just the flickering Chakra – the irregularities with his Chakra. But now…His body…his…cells…kept…on tearing away from him. Not to the point where he's mutating of course. But…just. Disappearing – and yet, not really. Just. He's being replaced. By something else. We've been looking into it. But it's been more than a year and we still have nothing substantial."
Sasuke was silent but inside his mind, he had a thousand questions. He didn't get it. Not really. Replaced? What the fuck did that mean!
"After the war ended, he immediately wanted to go look for you. Even during the war, when he had no real specific missions or the village could do without him, he wanted to look for you. But Tsunade forbade him. I don't know what that woman said to him to make him listen."
Sakura said, her eyes on her hands which were in her lap.
Sasuke smirked, but not unkindly. "Probably threatened his dream of becoming Hokage. She probably told him she wouldn't ever let him become Hokage. Ever."
At this, Sakura looked up again.
"Yes. She did. But he didn't care. He said it didn't mean anything. He said he didn't deserve the title if he couldn't even keep a simple promise. That threat was not what made him stay."
That night, as Sasuke stared at his walls, he knew he would give everything he had to understand what was happening around him. It was all falling apart.
He remembered nights like these when he hated himself. Loathed himself. He'd stay in the shower and scrub himself raw. He'd felt unclean. And he'd hated himself for it.
Most of all though, he had hated Naruto. Hated Naruto for being stronger. Hated Naruto for injuring him back in the battle at the Valley of the End. He hated Naruto for not understanding, even though the complete moron tried to make sense of everything. Didn't he know he would never understand!
He'd hated Naruto for all these things.
But he had loathed Naruto for not coming to get him. For leaving him there.
He had hated Naruto for forgetting.
But Sasuke knew now.
Naruto had not forgotten about him.
And he'd possibly thought about Sasuke as much as Sasuke had thought about him. Even if it was unwillingly.
Naruto had not forgotten about him.
He hadn't come for him, not because he wouldn't, but because he couldn't.
Maybe that didn't matter anymore. All Sasuke knew was that he'd give away everything to understand what was happening around him. Everything was falling apart.
And Sasuke had to wonder: When exactly had Naruto become 'Everything'?
ehhehehe...Gomen for the...uh...lack of updates. hee. Just. You know. Been...Busy. lol. This was finished for a while now. But then I decided to add some stuff. Heh. Turned into a 10 page chapter. oO; Whoooops. My bad.