Alas I own it not
Chapter four - Dreamscape
I was shamed my dears into revealing more. It was the uttermost torture of them all I assure you, but still I survived and agreed politely and decided to speak more of the tales of old and new. So where shall I start today? Last time I left you with the story of how Talbia was persuaded to never be seen again, and Feligotte committed suicide.
So I guess my story today is one that I dreamt not so many moons ago. It is one that haunted me for a full suns passing, it has not much meat, but what it does has the knowledge that I am in fact a lonely soul. I must be to long for one such as he for so long. Or maybe I didn't, maybe he just happened to be passing in the realms of Vaernima as I was? Maybe that is why dreams are full of people, the spirits of those who are asleep with you? Or is that too romantic for me. Excuse me, a fly must have flown in my mouth, or grit in my eyes, I can't help them soaking themselves… It has occurred with more and more frequency recently, ever since that dream. The dream where I found that thing.
That thing, sometimes when I get like this I wonder who I converse with and why I wasn't long ago slain in battle. How ludicrously vague, how scarily insane I must appear to anyone passing us. A crone staring in the water, constantly edging closer before ending another tale of misery and woe and vanishing off for another length of time. Indiscriminate of time, weather, emotions. Just when I get to the edge, when the cliff is no more, when the rocks call I shall never go to my home. When I'm here I forget where I go when I'm not. One day I wont go back there, one day you and I shall meet and our meeting will be eventful… colourful. I am crazy, like the Dreamers who wandered aimlessly, threatening and then forgetting as they move onto another spot. Going round and round in circles, like cliff racers waiting for the day when someone will take offence and they can be martyrs to their cause. No that isn't fair; they never believed that, they were under enchantment. And my excuse?
My dream… My blessing from Vaernima, may she forever haunt me with the dream. Have you ever awoken with the longing to go back to sleep, to rekindle the joy the peace you felt, the pure thrill of it, where everything is safe? And then when you achieve bliss to be woken once more and try as you might you can never regain it. Perhaps that is the worst. And every night since I have tried to force Her to bring it to me, I have pleaded, and raged, cajoled and worshiped. I offered blessings a plenty and my allegiance. But I am not a favored one of the Daedra, never have been and most assuredly never will be… They will never warm to me, and no matter how many jewels I place upon Their altars and gold I donate to Their followers it will never be enough. I guess you would say deserved? I slaughtered many a pilgrim and monk, cursed the Daedra until I was blue of lips as I was in face. But still, They bear grudges far longer than is necessary. But I shall speak no ill. Not yet.
From what I keep dear to my heart, I was in a room, with him. He was my boss that much I remember, he was wearing elegant clothes, the finest material, reds and golds, clinging to his firm lean body. His hair dark and thick, short and soft to the touch, my fingers just glided through it, but when I grabbed a hunk of it well… it was just heaven. His lips were so soft to the touch, so forceful and demanding, satin, taking more and more. He was medium height, making my head tilt back as he leaned down to punish me with those lips. Eyes piercing ice blue, staring straight through me as if I wasn't there, as if I was just not there, if he did it so often that he no longer cared who he dominated.
What I remember starts when we are in this room, a light room, staring out of a window, I just finished reading a book, a romantic story, and he was there watching his fiancé play with their child, the two were busy picking anther, Kaltive's head was spun gold, glowing like a halo around her perfect body, her eyes shining daisies as Lisettes boony wee hand ham fistedly plucked at more and more flowers. He was watching them so intently, until I put down my book, I was as quiet as I could, my heart full of love and need, desiring what the characters had achieved, pure bliss. I disturbed him and he frowned, his face creasing in disapproval, and I hurt, I hurt because he disapproved of me, this man so glorious, he didn't like me.
His eyes flicked down to the book, and when he spoke…oh his voice, it melted my soul, I was so in love with this man that I'd only just met. He said "they are a waste of time, it never works out like that, there is no such thing as true love. Only passion and lust. I am not marrying Kaltive for love but for the sake of our child, a child born out of wanton need. You'd do better ridding yourself of such rubbish" I just stared at him, so long that he shook me and asked if I was of sound mind. And then he let go and turned round, letting me take a breath. My body needing to reach out and touch him. My hand finding his shoulder, fingers gently touching as if he wasn't real. I was scared if I touched too hard he'd break, or not be there. He ignored me, for as long as it took for me to take a small step forward. And there he kissed me, infront of the window. Bruising my lips, taking what he wanted, torturing me in the sweetest of ways. His child and her mother just out of the window, playing happily.
That was when I woke. And when I slipped back into that world, I ached with need, my body thrusting up against his, trying to entwine with him, fingers threading into his hair, my eyes on his family, my body so wanton and needy. All the while falling deeper and deeper under his spell.
I searched for so long to find him. To find the man who makes me complete. Who doesn't love me, doesn't notice me until I make that imposition on his life and then only so he can get what he wants. I ache for that man, my whole body craves him like the vampire does blood. I need him.
I wish you could speak friend, tell me how to reach him, how to sleep and endless sleep, to dream of being his for eternity.