AN: What can I say but thanks for the reviews, Shelly and I are both reading them and enjoying them immensely! This story was started a long time back, but like our others we are always writing other fics and we tend to get a lull, but we've started back up and it's nearing the end so finally almost complete. I think it was not that long ago on the SGAHC list where somebody requested a fic that showed Sheppard breaking down from the events of season one and the beginning of season two, and that's what we are going for in this, to really show the emotional wear and tear on the man.

Dr. Dredd, I sympathize on the laptop. My desktop is limping, crawling, sputtering on its last legs, but it's like the little engine that could, because just when I think it's done for, it keeps on going! We've fed it more DRAM, had to replace the power supply, but now it's begging for a bigger hard drive and a new video card. Personally, I think it's a needy wench, but we'll cave and give in to its demands. sigh

Chapter four

OoO

You should have killed me when you had the chance, sir...

What are you talking about, Ford? John stared at the younger man in confusion

I've changed, more than you know. I'm one of them now...

What? John took a step closer, then another. Ford was in the shadows and John couldn't see him clearly. Another step closer and suddenly Ford was in his face and John reared back at the sight of him.

Wraith Ford smiled cheekily. Now do you understand what you've done? he asked. Now I must kill them all...

NO! John watched Ford turn and run off. He followed as fast as he could, racing through the corridors of Atlantis. But he was too late. He stumbled over the bodies Ford left behind. Weir, Teyla, Beckett, Ronon, Rodney

John snapped awake, gagging on the cry that tried to erupt from his throat. Gagging on acrid bile as well, and he swallowed hard as he sat up and rubbed his arms. They were slick with sweat and he was cold, achingly cold. And tired. John realized he must have finally fallen asleep but he had no idea for how long. He glanced over to his right but Rodney was gone. Everyone appeared to be gone.

Shoving back the covers, John slid from the bed. His knees buckled the moment his feet hit the floor but he locked them into place then went to work yanking out the IV needle. Fighting back nausea, John slipped out of the infirmary, using the back exit, which was near the bathroom. Once out in the corridor he headed for the nearest transporter and he breathed a sigh of relief when he made it to his room without being caught.

Once inside, John locked the door then headed straight for the bathroom. He puked until he got the dry heaves then he rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth. Next up was a shower and it took a lot of effort to stay upright. John cursed his weakness but he did feel a bit more human by the time he stumbled out and got dressed. He wished he knew what time it was, but he'd left his watch in the infirmary. No matter, no one had come after him yet but he knew it was only a matter of time. Knew as well that what he was doing was stupid, but his thoughts were muddled and cloudy and at the moment all he wanted was some fresh air and some time to himself to sort things out.

With that in mind, John strapped on his thigh holster and headed out the door. He had come across a deserted area of the city about a month ago. He would hang out for a while and figure out a way to get the demons out of his head so that he could find some peace and finally sleep.

oOo

"He's gone."

Elizabeth tapped her ear piece as if she had heard wrong. "Gone? Who's gone?" She knew even as she asked.

Carson's sigh was heavy, even through the radio. "Sheppard. He was sleeping and Rodney went off to his lab. I didn't think I had to watch him every minute--"

"I get the point," Elizabeth interjected. "I'll send some people to look for him. And while they're doing that I want you in the conference room, Doctor. We need to discuss Colonel Sheppard."

"That we do." Carson clicked off.

Elizabeth sighed then she contacted Caldwell, who had just returned with the Daedalus and more supplies and crew members. She then called Teyla and Ronon and Kate Heightmeyer. They had to find a way to help John. Then she called Rodney and explained about Sheppard going AWOL.

Rodney cursed. "Damn fool. Don't worry, Elizabeth, I will find him. I'll need Ronon, in case the Colonel decides to be stupid. Which...he will. Send Ronon to my lab, I'll be ready by the time he gets here." With that Rodney tapped off.

"Okay," Elizabeth said to the empty room, then she clicked to contact Ronon who agreed to help McKay. The Runner still wasn't too sure about working with the Astrophysicist. Elizabeth understood why. Rodney was an acquired taste. Shrugging off those thoughts, Elizabeth left her office for the conference room. Within five minutes everyone was present and accounted for. "We're here to discuss Colonel Sheppard. For those of you who don't know, he's become sleep deprived and Dr. Beckett has been unable to help him break out of the cycle. And if that wasn't bad enough, Sheppard has disappeared."

"Disappeared?" Teyla queried.

Elizabeth nodded at her. "Yes, he slipped out of the infirmary but Rodney and Ronon are searching for him. I'm sure they'll find him and deliver him back to the infirmary ASAP. That said, I need you to help me figure out a way to help the Colonel. I'm open to any and all suggestions."

Caldwell spoke up first. "You've tried knocking him out?"

"Yes...that's not working. He's resisting the drugs." Elizabeth was not happy to have to report that. Especially to Caldwell.

"So I take it he's grounded at the moment?" Caldwell shot back.

Elizabeth nodded. "Obviously." She turned her attention from Caldwell to Kate. "Do you think Sheppard's problem is psychological?"

Kate frowned then nodded. "I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. "Colonel Sheppard has had a lot to deal with since coming here. I've read his files and he had a lot to deal with before coming here as well. To be honest, he's the only original Atlantis team member who hasn't been to see me since we got here."

"Do you think you can help him?" Elizabeth prompted, hopefully.

"Not unless he wants my help," Kate replied. "But I can talk to him."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'd like you to do that." She turned her attention back to the others. "Any other ideas?"

Teyla held up her hand. "I may have something that will help. I will need to go to the mainland to find the ingredients and to speak with Halling."

"What's your plan?" Elizabeth queried.

"There is a special tea that Halling was taught to make. It helps one to sleep without dreaming," Teyla replied, but she looked uncomfortable.

Elizabeth picked up on it. "You don't seem certain about it."

Teyla made a face. "It can have side effects. They vary from person to person. The tea is very potent."

"What kind of side effects?" Elizabeth prompted. She didn't like the sound of that.

"It makes some people ill, it can also intensify their sexual awareness. Things along those lines," Teyla finished.

Elizabeth sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She could feel a headache coming on. "Go to the mainland and get the tea. Dr. Beckett can analyze it before we consider giving it to Sheppard."

Teyla rose from her seat. "I will go right now." And with that she as out of the room.

"Anyone else?" Elizabeth asked. No one replied. Elizabeth waved them away. "Dismissed." She watched them file out of the room then an idea occurred and she tapped her ear piece. "Dr. Zelenka, could you come to my office?" she asked. Then Elizabeth headed straight there. This was going to be a long day.

oOo

With the life signs detector in hand, it didn't take Rodney long to narrow down the possibilities of where Sheppard might be hiding out. But it still took four hours for them to find him and when they did he was not happy to see them.

"I'm not going back!" John belligerently snapped at them.

"You have to go back." Rodney had no time to be nice. Although he considered changing his mind when John tapped his Beretta. "You need help and you know it, Colonel!" Rodney retorted angrily. Because when he was scared he got pissy. And he was scared. He knew how dangerous Sheppard could be and the man was not thinking straight at the moment. He looked like hell, too. Death warmed over. Too pale and swaying on his feet. But Rodney sensed he would still be accurate enough if he decided to start shooting.

John glared at Rodney. "I need some peace and quiet!" he shouted. "I need to be by myself! It's too loud in the infirmary. Too many people just...staring...they stare at me. I hate that!"

Rodney opened his mouth to speak again but found himself shouldered back by Ronon.

The warrior held Sheppard's gaze. "You need to quiet the demons," he said, his voice a soft rumble.

John nodded. He realized that Ronon understood, perhaps better than anyone. They were both soldiers. They had both done things to protect and to survive. "Once they're quiet I'll be able to sleep."

"You can't run from them. They will find you here," Ronon countered.

"I know." John let himself slump against the wall. He was so damn tired. He rubbed a hand over his face then looked at Rodney. "Sorry for yelling at you. I know you're just trying to help. The thing is...you're not. Okay? So please...just leave me alone for a while. I'll go back in a few hours."

Rodney started to shake his head, meaning to explain all the reasons why Sheppard had to go back now. But even as he watched, Sheppard's body started to fold. Rodney took a step to catch him but Ronon was already there, scooping Sheppard up into his arms. Rodney knew Sheppard would hate being carried and he half considered telling Ronon to put the man down until they could call for a gurney. But Ronon was already on the move so Rodney fell into step behind him, reaching up to tap his radio so that Elizabeth would know that Sheppard was safe.

oOo

John knew where he was even before he opened his eyes. Knew he was back in the infirmary and that he wasn't alone. He opened his eyes and checked things out first. IV taped to back of one hand - check. Stupid pink scrubs - check. Rodney in the chair...wait, no check. Elizabeth was sitting there. He winced at the concern in her eyes. "Hey," John offered in greeting.

"Hey yourself." She rose from the chair to stand beside him. "How do you feel?"

"Shitty. How long was I out?" As he asked John noticed that Elizabeth was gripping the side rails. He hadn't known the beds had side rails. They sort of made him feel trapped.

Elizabeth touched his shoulder, to focus his attention on her. "About an hour. That seems to be your wake up point."

John knew that all too well. "Yeah...well...at least I didn't dream this time. Can I leave now?" He knew what she was going to say but he had to ask.

"Not happening," Elizabeth said softly. "Here's the deal. You're going to talk to Heightmeyer -

"NO!" John cut her off, harshly. He didn't have anything personal against Heightmeyer, or shrinks in general, but he knew the woman wouldn't be able to help him. She wouldn't be able to understand his brand of demons

Elizabeth narrowed her gaze at him. "That's not a request, John," she stated. "You'll talk to Heightmeyer and after that Carson has something new he's going to try."

John wasn't sure he liked the sound of that. "New drugs?"

"Athosian tea," Elizabeth replied. "Teyla said it works well with her people. Carson tested it and he deemed it safe."

"Fine...whatever." At this point John was ready to try anything. "But how about tea first then Heightmeyer? I mean...if the tea works then I won't need to talk to the shrink."

Elizabeth folded her arms over her chest and simply stared at him.

John winced and closed his eyes, willing oblivion to claim him.