Title: Not Alone
Author: Leven
Rating: PG (K, I think)
Disclaimer:I don't own anything. Not JoA, not the house I live in. If I did JoA would still be onTV and we'd have different wallpaper.
Author's Notes: This is for the Fanfic100 challenge. Which means there are 99 more on the way, hopefully.
She never thought of herself as a mother. She never thought about what she would later teach her children. What values, what truths, what lies, what hopes. Until now.
It's a bit late, she has realized, to think about things like this when your new, nameless daughter is sleeping in her crib. But she's learned that, just because it's taken her time to get there, it doesn't mean it's too late.
Her life, she must admit, is not what she had thought it would be back when she was 16. She's not married to Adam Rove, in fact, she's not married at all. She's not near her 30's, she only graduated from college a year ago. She's not even sure if she's really in love. She has feelings, yes. Passion. But love? Maybe.
A long time ago she had thought Ryan Hunter did not know how to love. And how does one love someone who doesn't know what love is?
Ryan Hunter. Her mother had not been pleased, two years ago, when she'd started this 'torrid affair' with this older man. Back then she had protested, but he really was so much older than her, not in years alive, but in years lived. Because he was not so old, really, if you look at his birth certificate, he was barely 30. If you look at his eyes, he's a man in his 80's. God does that to a person, she knows from experience.
Sometimes she wonders if it was His plan. To have two Godtalkers get together and create…what? The new Messiah? No, that was ridiculous. All she knows is that she is less alone now. Years and years of talking to God had taken its toll. Once, during her junior year she had broken down. And Ryan had come to save her. They had not seen each other since her graduation from high school. But just the knowledge that she could talk to someone about God make her feel better. Free.
"Why?" She had asked.
"You looked lost." He had said.
They had found each other, even though she'd sworn to fight him and his resentment towards God. They still fight about Him. His influence. His plans. His perfect system. They fight more than they do anything else. They were fighting when her water broke.
And still he had been there during labor. He had held her hand and begged God to let her and the baby be healthy. He'd even cried, she believes, but that could have easily been her imagination.
She loves this little girl, this little nameless doll that has his eyes. For the past three nights that she has been home, she has stood over the crib and just stared at her daughter's sleeping form. A tear slides down her cheek and she grimaces. Damn, she always cries.
"For God's sake." He says as he goes to stand behind her, "Will you please come to bed? She'll be crying again soon and you'll be cranky all day tomorrow if you don't get a little sleep."
After he's finally managed to get her to bed, she asks him: "Do you love me?"
He smirks and says: "Joan, I loved you the moment I knew I wasn't alone."
Their relationship was born out of a crisis of faith, the fact that she had it and he did not. It was born out of the never ending and often unwanted interference of God. And sometimes she hates Him. She hates that He has isolated her from all the people the cares about. But most of the time she thanks Him. Like right now. She thanks him for giving her someone to be alone with.
-FIN-
Review, please.