Gay Bar

"WELL AT LEAST THEY PLAY GOOD MUSIC HERE!"

"WHAT?" Lister bellowed over the thumping 1980's songs that played from the loudspeaker just a few feet from his ear. Rimmer repeated what he'd shouted. "YEAH, BUT I WISH THEY'D PLAY SOME RASTA BILLY SKANK. NOW THAT'S A REAL 'CHOON'."

"THIS COMING FROM A GUY WHO THINKS WEIRD AL YANKOVICH IS A LYRICAL GENIUS." Rimmer could hardly stand the ludicrous volume of the music and staggered away to the bar for some peace and quiet. He found his brothers there, huddled together for safety. "Beer!" Lister called from behind him. The bartender overheard and motioned to the different kinds he could choose from and Lister stared at them all in sheer bliss. Rimmer stared at his wallet in distress. "You've cleaned me out already!"

"There's a cash machine outside the club. Hurry up, before I start to sober-ise." With a heavy heart and a light wallet, Rimmer made his way through the crowd towards the entrance. "So what're you three doing here?" Lister grinned at the frightened trio.

"Just checking on our little brother. It's what families do."

"So mummy sent you?"

"No!" John snapped. "Anyway, we're confident in our masculinity not to be afraid of a gay bar."

"So what's with the t-shirts?" Lister grinned even more. Using a computer, a printer, some special printing paper and an iron, John had constructed a t-shirt which plainly read in large black Franklin Gothic font - 'STRAIGHT (sorry!)'. Frank was wearing one which said - 'MARRIED (sorry!)'. Howard didn't own a plain t-shirt but had assured his brothers that he did not need one and would stay with them for safety. "Bit paranoid of yer," Lister commented.

"Safety first."

"Yeah, good idea coz that transsexual over there is giving Frank the eye."

"What transsexual?"

"Over there, by the Judy Garland poster."

"That's a transsexual? Wow, good op! I honestly couldn't tell." Frank edged closer to the bar and ordered another round. Rimmer soon came skulking back and thrust his wallet into Lister's hand. "Don't look at me like that, it's not as if I'll be using it."

"Come on man, you've got to have a bit of a tipple."

"I can't afford it with you guzzling away all night. I should tell the barkeep to just pour it directly into your mouth from the spout."

"That wouldn't be very hygienic." Lister bought Rimmer a beer and forced it into his hand. Rimmer sipped at it, reluctantly. "So Dave," said Frank, winking at John and Howard, "how did you two meet?" Rimmer shook his head at Lister but could tell from the manic expression and wide eyes that Lister was already spinning a fantastic tale in his mind, and there was no stopping him when he was in storyteller mode. "I had just landed on Miranda and I'd had a bad time from the very start. Me taxi business had gone bust, I had no money, no home, no love. Then one night, when I thought life wasn't worth living anymore, I saw a figure walking towards me through the night smog. Is this an angel I see before me? I said. No, twas a man. A man like no other. Our passion was instant. He was amazing. I tell yer, the things he does with a small aubergine..." Rimmer groaned into the bottom of his empty glass and ordered a whiskey. "Anyway, 'David,' he said to me on his last night on Miranda, 'I can't bear to leave a flower like you in this cultural swamp. Come with me and stay forever in my arms on the Red Dwarf. I don't have much money, oh but if I did, I'd buy us a place where we both could live.' I said yes right away and we've bin inseparable ever since." They all stared at him for a while. Rimmer patted Lister's shoulder, and turned to his brothers. "He's just a little drunk. That's sort of how it happened."

"Oh come on man, don't sell yerself short. Tell them about our trip to Ann Summers, when we bought you those tights with the-" Rimmer threw the whiskey down his throat, clapped his hand over Lister's mouth and dragged him away.

"CAN'T YOU LEARN TO SHUT UP!" Rimmer shrieked at Lister in the toilets. Lister dunked his head into the sink and ran the cold tap over his head. "You're loving this aren't you? You're humiliating me for your own amusement. You think this is funny? I don't! Look at me when I'm shouting at you."

"Rrrrglub," Lister gargled in the water, "wrugh thb prrbglm?"

"What?"

"I said, 'Rimmer, what's the problem?' I'm building you up. I said you were a great shag, you should be happy about that."

"Yes, but all that other stuff?"

"Just ambience. What d'ya want me to say? What's your idea of how we met?"

"I don't know. Maybe that we caught each other's eye at a party, I bought you a drink, we got to talking and just hit it off. Something simple. " Lister shook his wet hair, flicking water at the wall. "You have no imagination."

"Yes, well, I'm not about to argue with a man drying his hair under a hand drier. Now we're going back out there to execute the plan. You are to calm down and leave the relationship tales to me." The subdued Lister shrugged unhappily. "Come on, cheer up. I'll buy you another drink if you behave." Lister was out of the door before Rimmer could even reach for his money.

Frank glanced over at the group of men eying him and Howard up. "Where's John? I want to leave."

"He just went to the toilet. He'll be back in a minute." Howard frowned at them, hoping that they would get the hint. One strolled over and Frank shrank back against the bar. "Haylo, I am Eduardo. Can I buy you drink?"

"Sorry, we're full-on gay," Howard mumbled. Eduardo apologised and wandered away. Frank blinked at Howard. "What just happened there?"

"I know his type. There's just something about straight men that turns his kind on. They get off on converting," he explained.

"Oddly enough, that makes sense. Argh! John, don't sneak up on me like that!" John released Frank's shoulder and smiled secretly. "I know something you don't know! Wanna know? I just heard Bonehead and Dave talking in the loo. They are lying." John did a small jig. Frank and Howard gaped at him. Howard was the first to speak. "So, they're not gay?"

"Well, I couldn't work that out. But it sounds as though they're not together. Bonehead was telling him off for making up stories about how they met and shit."

"Sssh! Here they come," Frank hissed. Lister fell onto the bar. "Omega! Another round for all of us. Arnie's buying."

"It's 'amigo' and says who? I'm only buying you a drink."

"That's not very nice bruv," John said, tucking Rimmer's head under his arm for a friendly strangle. "Y'know, the word on the gay grapevine is that Dave isn't really your boyfriend." Rimmer stopped struggling. "In fact," John continued, "I think, for some twisted reason, you're just pretending to be gay. What do you have to say to that, Arnie?" Rimmer wrestled out of John's headlock and stared at his brothers. He had to make a decision. Which was worse; his brothers thinking he was gay, or thinking that he was pretending to be gay. Rimmer had never been good at decisions. To that very day he wished he'd joined the school basketball team instead of rugby team. His height would have been an advantage and he wouldn't have been used as the ball. But it was too late for that. There was no changing the past. He had to concentrate on the now. "I am gay," he found himself saying.

"Prove it," said Howard.

"I know all the lyrics to 'Cabaret'."

"That's not what I meant. Kiss your boyfriend."

"Er, Howie," Frank muttered. Howard whispered to them not to worry. "If he's straight he won't do it."

"But what if..."

"Come on," said John, ignoring Frank. "If you two are so in love, then a snog shouldn't exactly put you out." Rimmer gulped at the sight of their smug grins. He didn't even want to know what Lister's expression was. He needn't have worried. Lister had them fixed with an eerily benign look. He downed his pint and wiped his face. "What the smeg is your problem? Yer can't leave Arnie alone for five minutes, can ya? It's not that we're gay, it's that we're together and happy and you can't stand it." Rimmer felt like kissing Lister just for the hell of it after that speech. Lister put his hat on and wound his arm around Rimmer's body. "C'mon, babe, we're leaving. Adjoo, smegheads."

Rimmer danced back and forth across the road, paying no heed to the blasts of car horns as they hurtled around him. "You beauty!" he sang. Lister chuckled and staggered along, holding himself upright by scraping his shoulder against the wall. "Seriously Lister, thank you. No one has ever done anything like that for me."

"Well you did buy me 170 dollarpounds worth of booze. That red wine at the last place was delicious. But now I'm a class traitor for going into a wine bar."

"Lister, not buying underpants from Tesco would make you a class traitor. I have never felt so free in all my life! I'm going to walk on that wall over there!" Rimmer ran past Lister and leapt up onto the five-foot wall. "Lister, if I fall I bequeath to you my golf clubs, which you broke."

"Thanks man." Lister crawled into a nearby bus-stop for a rest. "You all right?" said Rimmer, banging on the glass. "Remember I told you not to vomit on my shirt."

"I'm not going to throw up. I'm just a bit sleepy."

"We're almost home." Rimmer tugged at his arm to no avail. "OK, we'll rest here." Lister looked at Rimmer and he felt thankful that he was an only child. Brothers like Rimmer's weren't worth all the torment and hassle. "Y'know, my foster parents couldn't afford to vacation much, so we were nearly always home during breaks. Then dad died when I was six, and mum definitely couldn't afford it. So, I always wanted some brothers. Or sisters. Just someone to play with when me mates went on their holiday. But those three, man. You poor sod. Funny. I really liked them at first."

"Everyone loves my brothers. And then they meet me and wonder why my parents bothered with another kid." Lister moved his hand over Rimmer's and squeezed it reassuringly. "Well, I think you're the best one. Fourth time lucky, eh? And I'll twat anyone who says otherwise."

"Lister, you're very drunk, and you don't know what you're saying. But thanks."

Lister waved their hands at him, "So much for the no-touching rule."

"And we nearly had to break the no-kissing rule as well. Smeg! They really expected us to do that?"

"Yeah man. What would they have done if we were gay?" Their faces edged closer together. An owl hooted in the distance and Rimmer snapped out of the trance Lister's kind face had held him in. He stole his hand back and the cool night air tickled his clammy palm. "We should get to bed. To er, to sleep, I mean."

"Yeah, it's getting late even for me. And we've got to break up tomorrow."

"Oh yes, I forgot about that. Let's get back and plan what to say." Rimmer pulled Lister up from the ground and together they wandered back home.