#walks into FF with head scraping against the ceiling# Well, all these lovely reviews have increased my head mass by so much that alien spacecraft are starting to orbit it. I must say it's made me a little afraid to post any more in case I let you down, but as you have demanded it frequently, here aretwo more chapters. I'm saving the last two for next time, bwahahaha... Oh and keep an eye out for the last line of the first paragraph of this chapter - I really want to expand more on it in a later fic ;o)

The Twist

Rimmer wished he could sleep. He'd never felt so good. He had just been taught how to sneak up the stairs without waking his parents. Lister had only been there two days and already he knew where all the squeaky floorboards were. But Rimmer's brothers had no idea, and were scolded for the noise they made when they came in at 4am. Mrs Rimmer was still reprimanding them when he and Lister got in at 5am; John and Frank were pleading drunken insanity. He was finally the golden child. Him, Rimmer! Lister seemed to be some kind of lucky charm for him. It was a shame to break up. But it was all already planned out. A bit of shouting from the bedroom, a full-scale argument on the stairs and it would end with Lister storming out of the door. 'Perfick'. Rimmer was still giddy with excitement at the coming performance. He hadn't acted since school, when he was chosen to play the lead in 'Grease'. Sadly, due to it being an all-boy's school, he was Sandy. He still had the skin-tight trousers and red heels.

Rimmer was wishing again that he could go to sleep when he heard a loud creak outside his door. He crawled out of bed, trying not to disturb the drooling Lister and peeked around the side of the door. It was Howard. He was staring wildly up and down the hall. He did not know about the squeaky floorboard just outside of the bathroom door on the left side and had trodden on it. "Howard?" said Rimmer. Howard jumped in fright and smacked his elbow against the wall. "Arnold?" he hissed in pain and rubbed his bruised arm.

"What are you doing here, sneaking around at six in the morning?"

"Oh well, I was..."

"Howie!" A man Rimmer recognised strolled out of Howard's room. "Eduardo is sorry, yes? But I am needing to go to work soon. I call you later." As Eduardo went down the stairs Rimmer's mouth hung loose for a second and then the corners of his lips crept upwards in a wide grin of disbelief. "Eduardo! Oh this is too perfect. Wait until John and Frank hear about this one." Rimmer's elation was short-lived. He looked up at Howard's staring, frightened eyes. They begged for lenience. For mercy. Why should I, Rimmer thought and blocked out the midget Lister chorus in the back of his mind that was chanting about brotherly love. Howard grabbed his pyjamas. "Arnie, please. I could lose everything. It's all right for you. You had nothing to lose and now you have a boyfriend who loves you. But if my friends found out they'd never speak to me again. I'd lose everything - everything. I mean it's just a one-off. Well, no there was that time on Ganymede... But I like women, honest!"

"I don't know Howard: this is a real gem. I could write a best-seller on this moment alone. Why should I do you any favours after all the shit you've put me through?"

"Well for one thing, mum and dad still don't know that you're not a Rear Admiral Lieutenant General. How many times have you failed your exams - 10?"

Rimmer smiled evilly and rubbed his hands, chuckling, "This is far more juicy."

"All right, I promise to stop it all. And I promise to stop John and Frank too. I'll get rid of the snake in your clothes hamper and don't brush your teeth - the toothpaste is really glue and there's an electric wire in the toilet. I'll go take it out."

"You haven't done anything to Lister have you?"

"Dave? No, we like him."

"Typical," Rimmer sighed. Howard wearily smiled at Rimmer, emanating gratitude. "I really appreciate this. I'm a bit jealous to be honest. I can't believe you had the guts to bring Dave here."

"Neither can I." Rimmer felt a little disturbed by the morning's revelations and made his excuses to go back to bed. Lister was wide awake when Rimmer flopped into bed. "Where'd you go?" asked Lister.

"My brother is bisexual." Lister rolled over and stared at Rimmer. "Say that again."

"It's fantastic irony, isn't it? I find out he's bisexual and my conscience kicks in. All I could hear in the back of my head was 'don't be a smeg and let him tell in his own time' in a Scouse accent. So it's your fault I lost the opportunity to ruin Howard's life." Rimmer took a breath. "Still, it feels kind if nice to do the right thing."

"Smegging hell, Rimmer, even I'd have told!"

"WHAT?" Rimmer grabbed Lister's shirt.

"No, no, good for you though. It makes yer a bigger man." Lister croaked as Rimmer's hand tightened the shirt's neck. Rimmer supposed he was right. And at least he had some ammunition for the future. Rimmer wondered why he'd never realised before. Why none of them had. Howard was a typical bloke it seemed. He was just like John and Frank. He liked sport, hung around with swooning girls, drank beer. Rimmer wished stereotypes were more accurate.

It was barely three hours later when Rimmer awoke to the sound of his family rousing for breakfast. He hadn't had anywhere near enough sleep, but he supposed that he could catch a quick snooze on the shuttle back to the Red Dwarf, where normality would resume and he would be him, Lister would be Lister and they would be separate beings once more. In a small, itsy-witsy way, Rimmer had hoped that perhaps Lister would be his friend for real. But he had seen the kind of blokes Lister hung around with, and none of them would like him. And he could hardly expect Lister to alternate between them. No; Rimmer would go back to spending his nights studying in his room, doomed to solitude for another 30 years. He could ease his heartache by ripping the piss out of Lister at least.

He eased out of bed, careful not to disturb the slobbering Lister and found the momentfamiliar. Ah! - Howard! His face split into a grin. How on Io would Howard explain to John and Frank that he suddenly wanted to be nice to his little brother? Rimmer could imagine him squirming under their confused glares. To tell the truth would be unthinkable. The grin stayed on him right up until the moment he tripped over his father's wheelchair in the hallway as he headed toward the scent of hot food. "Sir! Didn't see you there, sir. I'll do one hundred push-ups to earn your forgiveness, sir."

"Oh don't be stupid. Fifty is plenty. It's you I've come to see actually."

"Really sir? Thank you sir. What for, if you don't mind me asking, sir?" Mr Rimmer pulled the brake off of his wheel and made a 180 degree turn into his study. "I've got something to give you, Amos." Mr Rimmer wheeled himself over to the other side of the room and patted an old chest. "This is my priceless, Javanese camphor-wood chest. I know you've had your eye on it. I want you to have it."

"What? Really?"

"You can put all your junk in it. Those little soldiers of yours and what-not. I won't be needing it much longer." A horrid thought struck Rimmer. "You're not... you're not going to try and kill yourself again, are you?"

"Pfah! Don't be stupid, Ajax. We're moving to a smaller house now that all you boys are jetting off on your own. I mean, you're nearly thirty. You can't live with us forever. We can't keep a six-bedroom house at our age. No point. We just need three bedrooms now - one for me, one for your mother, and one for Magical Trevor."

"So you're really giving it to me?"

"Yes."

"I don't know what to say..."

"You're not going to cry are you?"

Rimmer blinked his eyes several times and managed to utter, "No," through his sniffles. Mr Rimmer sighed and patted the chest again, tracing his trembling fingers over the detailed carvings. "You know, Alison, it's not every day that a man finds out his son is a great big woolly-woofter. I blame myself you know. Never should have let you prance around in your mother's dresses when you were twelve."

"I don't remember that!"

"Well no, the hypnotherapy took care of that. Anyway, go ahead and take it with you. G'luck on your next mission, Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Aled Rimmer."

"Smegging hell!" Lister watched from the bed as Rimmer heaved the large chest into the room. "What're you doing?"

"I need you to help me carry it down the stairs."

"Well... why didn't you bring me to it?"

"...Bugger, I never thought of that." Rimmer slumped onto the bed. "I can't move it anymore. It weighs a ton. A ton on Saturn." Lister went over to admire it. It looked very expensive. Far too expensive to drag around a non-carpeted hallway. "Where'd you get it?"

"Father just gave it to me. He said it was part of the will anyway, and he didn't need it, so I could have it in advance. Are you ready for breakfast yet?"

"Hang on. Just putting on me socks. That was nice of him. Wonder what's in this thing."

"It's padlocked and the demented old man didn't give me a key."

CRACK, CLANG, THUNK.

"LISTER!"

"What? I finally found a use for your golf club."

"That is a priceless... oh, what's the point?" he groaned as Lister took one last fatal swing at the lock. The chest swung open and fell back spilling out its contents onto what little floor there was between it and the wall. "Rimmer..."

"What?"

"I love your father, and I want to have his babies!"

"What!" Rimmer scrambled over the chest and looked at what lay at Lister's feet. Over thirty bottles of whiskey. "Smegging hell, these are older than me!"

"And me," said Rimmer, blowing away the dust from one. "He probably bought these back when John was a baby." Lister whistled through his teeth at the liquor. His alcohol problems were solved. For a few months anyway.

Author notes;
Everyone loves Magical Trevor!