When Marissa came home and caught sight of Jackie's lifeless body was there nothing with her that shown that she was indignant.

Instead she pushed away all her thoughts and run towards Jackie to look after that she still was alive.

There was so much blood; she tried to push down all the memories that came up.

"Jackie!" She whispered and controlled her pulse. A wave of relief washed over her when she heard a weak pulse and realized that her friend still was alive.

She rose up, unwilling to leave her friend's side and headed to the phone. She dialled the number with shivering fingers but her voice was still unmoved when she talked. She knew that now wasn't time for panic.

There wasn't anything she rather wanted than just run out from the apartment and never returns. She had thought that she never would see this sight again.

She stood with the receiver pulled against her ear long after they had hung up on her, she didn't want to turn around and face Jackie again. She didn't want to see the floor covered with china and blood.

But she knew that she have to. Slowly she turned around and walked into the living room on shaky legs.

It was like she was a little kid again. It was not Jackie that lay there in front of her, it was her mother. Marissa pushed back the cry like she had done so many times before.

"It's going to be all right!" She whispered, mostly to calm herself, while she fell down on her knees between Jackie, without feeling the china that bored inside her legs. "Everything is going to be all right!" she was afraid that her voice would broke. She was afraid of beginning to cry.

She saw her mother, her wonderful mother with her long blond hair and she can smell her expensive perfume.

"Why?" She was barely aware of that she pronounced the word. "Why did you o it?" But she already knew the answer and that scared her.

Her wonderful mother, so promising, so lovely. Everybody had loved her and shelf had she only been able to love on person, Marissa's dad.

There was no space for anyone else in her world, no space for Marissa. She remembered the fights. She can still hear them in the middle of the night when she was alone and not able to sleep. She remembered how her mother sacrificed everything for her dad, and he was still not satisfied. She remembered how he stormed out and she remembered the cry. That was almost the worst part, the desperate cry that forced her up from her warm bed and made her walk to her parents room.

She had loved her mother, almost adored her, but her mother had barely been awarded of her existence.

Strongest of all the memories was the vision of her mother lying on the floor, with a bloody wrist and blood on her clouds and on the expensive carpet. A vision that never would fade away, a vision that still woke her up in the middle of the night, screaming.

How many times had it happened? Always the same thing so long back in the time that she could remembered. Sometimes nothing happened for months, but she could never relax because she knew that it would happen again.

When she became eighteen she moved out, without that someone really noticed. She had left that world behind and never talked about it again. She had buried the memories somewhere inside her and tried to forget, tried to pretend that it never had happened. Despite that that was impossible.

And now Jackie, wonderful living Jackie.

She strokes her over her pan, and closed her eyes, pressed with an all-out effort back the cry.

This was love, pain, cry, missing. She had never been able to love somebody.

Afraid for being like her mother. Afraid for being like Jackie.

She stroke Jackie over her pan, her best friend, she would do anything for her, expect this. Because she would not, under any condition go through this again…

Jackie's pov

She found herself in a big with room. Whole her left arm pounded and she tried to compose her thoughts.

"Where am I?" She asked out in the air.

"On the hospital!" Marissa stood leant against a wall and looked at her.

"I didn't see you!"

Marissa moved closer her, her high heels clattered against the floor.

"Do you remember what have happened?" She was different on some way. Her hair was collected in a careless knot and her eyes were red of cry. Jackie wondered if she ever had seen Marissa cry. The voice was different to, it was more urgent, more definite, and at the same time worried.

"I…" she thought back, remembered Donna's warm voice, and remembered the anger, Steven… "Oh, my god. Have I….?" All her second thoughts rushed up, what if she had died, or…. She feeling like she was going to throw up soon.

"Jackie, listen to me?" Marissa lend closer, while she took a deep breath. "I've been thinking"

Jackie didn't answer, she just nod. It's like her whole world is spinning around.

"You have to compose yourself, because this is not you!" Marissa's voice was insistent. "You're strong, you're beautiful, you're rich, and people like you don't commit suicide. That's for people without life, like dorks or something." Marissa took another deep breath, her whole body was quivering.

"But…."

"Jackie, his just a gay, one of many. You don't need him." She interrupted. "You need to compose yourself and forget him. You can do that, Jackie, you're a Burkhart. All right!"

Jackie nodded.

"Because, if you don't do that, you are not going to have a home when you are coming out from here."

Jackie met Marissa's glance, she had never seen her so indignant before. Her body quivering and for a second she thought that Marissa was going to break down right there, in front of here, and collapse on the floor, but then Marissa straighten on her self and smiled a strain smile.

"Take a minute alone, so I'm I going to send in Brian then."

"Is Brian here?"

Marissa just nodded.

"Why?"

"Because he called about your date tonight so I told him where you were."

Jackie suddenly felt really tired. She had withheld Brian her past and she had preferred to have it like that.

"All right, send him in."

Marissa nodded and turned around for walking out.

Jackie closed her eyes the memories of her childhood returned. She remembered what her mother had taught her. About hiding feelings. All feelings that were, what her mother had called weak, like anger, hate and sadness should be hide because they made you weak and nobody could love a weak person.

Her mother had had a clear picture of how she wanted her daughter to be like and Jackie had made everything she could for being like that. She had became a cheerleader, the schools most popular girl, she had dejted the most handsome gay in the whole school, she had stopped eating candy and she had lay down hours on her look. And despite that, there was always anything that could be better, always anything that made it difficult for her mother to love her. That made her leave for years because she couldn't stand her.

She had learned to live in a lie, she had learned to lie as natural as she breath. And at the same time she knew that they all were like that, there was not many of the cheerleader's that not was hiding a big secret. They all wanted their on world and look perfect and they never talk to each other about it. Not even Marissa knew the truth about her childhood.

Not even Steven, even if he had guessed most of it. He had made her gentle little on that lie, made her realize that who her mother wanted her to be, not was who she have to be.

And now, she had to take up that lie again, take a step backward and become that smiling Jackie Burkhart again.

And even if she hated that lie more than anything was it almost nice. Because Steven had seen against it and crossed her. She had shown Steven the real Jackie and that was a mistake she never wanted to do again.

It had led her to a hospital bed and an attempted suicide. And she didn't want that again.

A considerately knock waked her up from her thoughts and she looked surprised up to seeing Brian coming in with the biggest bunch of red roses that she ever seen.

"Hey honey." He placed a soft kiss on her lips, and laid the roses on her bed table. "I'm going to beg a nurse take care of them later."

She just smiled against him, it was in moment like this she needed Brian. Because he is the first boyfriend she ever had that really acted like a boyfriend.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine." She smiled against him. She really likes him, he was like a better version of Michael. He always put her in the first rum and made her feel special. But he wasn't Steven and how much she ever tried she can't stop compare them.

She knew that Steven should have been coming rushing, ready to fight for seeing her. She knew that he should have tried to look calm, because he doesn't want her to be upset. But she should have seen against that, she should have seen how worried he really was.

Steven never sad the right thing, or gave here flowers or jewellery or tolled her how much he loved her.

But his glance, the way he touched her, how he buried her in his arms when she was sad, showed how much she meant to him.

"I wished that you had told me about this gay." Brian interrupted her thoughts.

"Please, can we just don't talk about him." Jackie wished more than ever that Marissa hadn't told him.

"Jackie, I know that we just been together for some weeks, but I really like you, and if you still have feelings for this guy, maybe we should break this up right now!"

Steven had known better than push her when she told him she doesn't want to talk about it.

"Brian, I have no feelings left for Steven, okay?" it was so easy to lie, almost too easy.

"So we are still going on that party on your work tomorrow?"
"Of course we shall."

She didn't feel better, but she realized that she finally had to make a chose, and she knew what she had to choose.

Because, even if she never was going to get over Steven, maybe this is going to reduce the pain. A least a little…

A/N: So, this chapter took some time and next one is going to take even more time.

I'm going abroad for some weeks and I don't really know when I'm back.

But please read and review until then.