Voldemort's Party of the Year

Part 1: Waking Up with a Hangover

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and stories from Harry Potter.

"BRRRIIINNNNG! RISE AND SHINE, DARK LORD! BRRRRIIIINNNG! RISE AND SHINE, DARK LORD! BRRIII - "

It was morning at the Riddle House in Little Hangleton, England. Lord Voldemort was sleeping in his bed with his green, snake-pattern pyjamas until his alarm clock abruptly woke him up. Voldemort smacked the ugly gnome clock to stop the ringing. Two months ago, Peter Pettigrew had de-gnomed the Riddle House garden and (as a suck-up gift) had turned one of the stunned gnomes into an alarm clock. The scruffy creature had a clock stuck to its stomach, and at 8 a.m. every morning the gnome would grunt out the phrase "Rise and shine, Dark Lord" between loud rings.

Voldemort was awake, but still didn't want to get out of bed. He had had 7 shots of hard liquor the other night and was suffering a hangover. His head felt like the gnome had hammered his head open instead of just ringing in his ears.

"I don't want to get out of bed," groaned the Dark Lord as he held his aching head. "Bloody gnome..."

The critter quietly grunted to itself. Voldemort looked at the creature suspiciously, which immediately stopped grunting once the wizard shot it the evil eye.

Just when he was about to go back to sleep, Nagini slithered onto his bed and started licking his face with her serpent tongue.

"Fine, fine, I'll get up!" moaned Voldemort in Parseltongue. He slowly got himself up from the bed and headed to the bathroom. He took a long, hot shower using his favourite neon-green loofah.

He got dressed in his usual black hooded robe, but as he did so, he studied himself in the mirror and sighed. "My thighs are so huge, and - ew, could I have bigger pores?" Soon after, he went downstairs to the kitchen. Holding his aching head, he pulled out a bottle of the hangover-relief potion Severus Snape concocted him and poured it in a glass. He drank it down in one gulp and put the glass and bottle away. He got himself a bowl of Dragon Delight cereal ("A monstrous good breakfast!") and sat down at the kitchen table. Nagini moved across the floor with the Daily Prophet in her mouth and laid it beside Voldemort. He opened it up and read the front page article on the escape of many Death Eaters from Azkaban the other night. The Dark Lord had planned to have Peter Pettigrew sneak into Azkaban and free his fellow Death Eaters. It seemed the plan was a success.

The eating wizard heard a faint doorbell ring coming from the front entrance. Voldemort sensed it was Peter come back from freeing the Death Eaters. He pulled out his wand and did a quick door-opening spell. He soon heard footsteps approaching the kitchen, and saw nervous Peter enter the kitchen.

"Hello, Master!" greeted Peter. "The escape from Azkaban was a success!"

"Yes, I'm reading about it right now," said Voldemort, still holding his throbbing skull.

"Are you feeling a bit of a hangover from what you drank last night?"

"A bit."

"You said you wanted me to buy things for the party?"

"Ah, the party!" Voldemort was planning a large party to celebrate the escape of the Death Eaters and the death of Albus Dumbledore. "The list of things I wanted you to get is on the fridge."

Peter scurried over to the fridge and held up the list. "Cheese, crackers," read Wormtail, "punch, party mix... Sir, well... do you think that... cheese and crackers might not be... appropriate for a party such as the one we're having tonight?"

"That's why I added the party mix! That stuff always makes celebrations more festive."

"But sir... what about the last time we had a party? We had firewhisky, bat cakes, butterbeer..."

"I was thinking of that, but I wasn't sure if it should be as wild. At the last party, Malfoy got completely drunk, Dolohov had violent diarrhoea after eating the lobster tails - seriously, if you're allergic to shellfish you should be more careful..."

"I know, Master, but I must say that was the party of the year!"

"Indeed, that is true." Voldemort pondered for a moment. "All right, get what I had last time. You know what I want?"

"Absolutely!"

"Good, then you can get those and a few other things you might think is appropriate for the party. I trust you; you're one of my best Death Eaters."

"Master, the compliment made my day!" smiled Wormtail.

"And when you go shopping, can you get me a Chocolate Frog? I like those, and I've been trying to get that Salazar Slytherin card."

"Definitely, Master." Peter soon left the house with a skip in his step to buy the things for the party, while Voldemort chuckled to himself.

" 'You're one of my best Death Eaters'... 'the compliment made my day'! I can't believe he fell for that!" Voldemort put his bowl in the sink and went to his planning workshop. Everywhere there were books of the Dark Arts, notes on previous plans and objects of dark magic. On one wall there was a large blackboard used for killing strategies, and on the opposite wall there was a dartboard with a picture of Harry Potter.

Voldemort sat at his desk. He took out a piece of parchment, dipped a quill in his ink bottle and started scribbling ideas. "Trap Harry Potter... in Godric's Hollow where his parents used to live... use Avada Kedavra... No, that's a horrible plan!"

He crumpled up the parchment and threw it in the garbage bin. He took out a new piece of parchment and started writing. "Capture Harry Potter's friend, Hermione Granger... threaten to kill her... and when he comes... kill him! Wait, that pesky Ronald Weasley will interfere." Voldemort concentrated, and then crossed out the first sentence. "Capture Harry's Potter's friends, Hermione Granger AND RONALD WEASLEY... That's no good!"

Voldemort crumpled up the plan and threw it in the rubbish bin with the other one. He wasted 33 pieces of parchment to think of a scheme, throwing darts at the Harry Potter picture in between ideas. Afterwards he went to his blackboard and sketched out a football-like strategy in chalk.

"So Draco Malfoy goes left," Voldemort said while drawing the plan out on the board, "and Lucius goes right, and they attack Harry and his minions from the sides... and then Bella enters and goes left - no right - she'll fake going left then go - no, she goes straight for Harry and..." He laid down the piece of chalk, dusted his hands off and stared at the plan. "I - am - pathetic! That's it, I'm having lunch."

Author's Note: The next chapter's coming up, entitled: Pre-Party Affairs. PLEASE REVIEW!