8. When love isn't enough

He walked slowly away, without any looks back.

It was like his body at last had given up, that last ray of hope was gone, she didn't want him. He didn't feel the pain in his eyebrow, didn't taste the blood in his mouth.

The street was crowded with people, couple that walked hand in hand and looked surprised on him, but he didn't notice it.

"Steven!"

At first he was not sure that he really heard right, and just kept on walking. But it came again, and this time it was louder.

"Steven."

He slowly turned around, and looked at her, there she came running against him. Tears glistened on her cheeks, she wobbled in her high heels and she was still holding her glass with punch.

She stayed, around a meter away form him and smiled nervously.

"You're here!" She said at last and reached out her hand, like fort testing that he was real. Her little hand was soft and warm against his cheek and he covered it with his own, and pressed it hard.

"Yeah." He answered her, his voice was tired and cracked but she didn't seem to notice.

Carefully she dragged her hand away from his grip and took up a bit of ice from her punch and then she just placed the glass on the pavement.

"You shouldn't have hit him." She placed one of her hands under his chin and pulled the bit of ice against the wound.

He moaned in pain, at least he could pretend that the tears in his eyes depended on that.

"Sorry."

She just shrugged and met his glance. For a moment they just stood there and looked each other deeply in the eyes. There were so many feelings in there, fatigue, sadness, relief, and gratitude. So many different feelings mixed that it made him dizzy.

But, then he couldn't wait anymore; he took a firm grip on her waist and pulled her in to a tight hug.

Her body stiffened at first, but then it relaxed when he pulled her so hard he could against his own. She let go of the ice and placed her arms around his neck and pulled even closer against him if that was possible.

She buried her face in his shoulder as so many times before and he could feel how the hot tears became mixed up with mascara and formed a big wet spot on his t-shirt.

He wanted to ask her why she was crying. He wanted to ask her if she was happy to see him. He wanted to ask her who that other guy had been. He wanted to tell her how sorry he really was for every ting and tell her that he loved her. But right now there was no need for word. Right know he just needed to feel her warmth body against his own, and know that she really was there. With him…

Later…

He sat beside her in that room where she lived for the moment. She lay peacefully in her bed with her eyes closed and he knew that she was asleep. Most of all he wanted to creep down beside her in the bed, and put an arm around her body and pull her closer to him.

He remembered the first time she slept over with him…

She had been coming down in the basement dressed in her cheerleader uniform. It had been a pretty cold day and her lips had begun to get a color of blue and her eyes were red like she had been crying.

She had scanned the room, Donna and Eric sat close to each other in the sofa and he was sitting on his chare.

Then she had took some quick step inside the room and thrown herself in his arms. She had bin ice cold and he had rubbed her back and arms to make her get back her body heat.

"Jackie, where have you been?" He didn't want to admit it, but he had been worried when she hadn't showed up with his car when the school had ended as she used to. She always told him where she was going, because that was according to her what you did when you were in a relationship. And even if he used to say that she didn't have to tell him he had been pretty worried when she hadn't.

So worried that he more than once had begun to walk out and look for her, for then realize what he was doing and gave himself a mental kick.

She had probably heard about some new sale in the male and went shopping with some of her snobby cheerleader friend…. But if it was like that she should have told him… what if…. And then his brain had been filled with scary sights of Jackie until he had been ready to run out after her again, before he gave himself a mental kick and the whole thing started over again.

"On cheerleader practice. That got decided so fast that I didn't had time to tell you."

"Jackie, you're freezing."

"Yeah, well I walked home."

He felt a weak feeling of worried that he pulled away. He was not worried!

"That's very far, and it's dark outside." He didn't like the thought of her walking around in the darkness dressed in her minimal cheerleading dress. "You could have called me, you know that I would have pick you up."

Usually it used to be the different way, Jackie was never afraid to beg on a drive and how much he ever complained he always drove her where ever she wanted. Maybe because if not, she always wanted to borrow the El Camino and he had seen Jackie drive. Not a very pretty sight.

She just shrugged and pulled herself even closer to him. And even if he would never admit it, he liked to have her in his lap, even if he pretended to do it for her. Not for he fouled anyone.

He expected that she soon would loose her grip on his neck and turn around to face the TV as she used to, but instead she took a firmer grip around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.

Something was wrong, really wrong, and he started to get really worried. She had come him so close, he should have got out of it earlier; it was not like he had not had his chances. Like the whole get-off-my-boyfriend-thing. And still, he just let her get closer and closer, almost enjoying it. It was going to end, one day she was going to realize that she could get someone so much better, but until then she was his.

"Jackie." He spoke low and with his lips pulled against her ear so only she could hear. "What is it?"

He could feel how her shoulders started to quiver. Only she wasn't crying. He couldn't take it when she cried; it was like something inside him broke every time he saw her broken of cry eyes.

He looked up and caught Eric's glance over her head.

"Leave." He mime and Eric seemed to understand the message because he took Donnas hand.

"I'm really hungry, shall we go up to the kitchen and take something?"

Even Donna had seemed to understand because she nodded and soon they were gone.

"Jackie." He held her a bit away from him so he could meet her glance. "What is it?"

Tears flowed free from her eyes and he dried away some of them with his finger. He had always thought that he would fall for a strong and independent girl like Donna; he had almost never seen her cry. Jackie on the other hand cried over everything. It was far to often he saw her with red eyes, and still….

Jackie needed him on a way that Donna never was going to need anybody.

"It's mom." She sobbed high and the voice was full of cry.

He felt how the worrying was growing.

"But your mother is home, right?"

Her tears increased and she shook her head so her dark hair was flying around her face.

"I called her yesterday and talked to her and she said…" Jackie interrupted herself because another cry attack, before she composed herself enough to continue. "She said that now when dad is in prison, and we don't have any money, there is nothing for her to come home to." She sobbed uncontrolled and fell back against his shoulder. He had never seen her cry like this before; the being in front of him was only tears and despair.

Maybe because this was the first time that she had a real problem, much worse than anything else that she had gone through.

When the tears at last had dry up she started to talk again. He could feel her lips move against his neck.

"And the maids and the cook is fired because we couldn't afford them and I hate to sleep in the big house all alone. But soon I don't have to bother anymore." Her voice was bitter. "We have already started to sell things because all the debt and soon we have to sell the house."

It felt like it was a repeat of everything that had happened to him, many years ago. But he had had Forman's, who had Jackie that could take care of her, apart from him self.

"Jackie." It was the first time that he had said something in a very long time. He had never been good on saying the right things and Jackie had stopped expecting words.

"Mm."
"You can sleep here!"

She looked at him, the tears have stopped roll but her lips trembled still and her eyes were red.

"What?"

"You can sleep here!"

So did it look like the words sank in because a smile appeared on her lips. It was nice to se her smile.

"Here? On the couch?" He wasn't sure if she teased him or not.

"No, in my bed, stupid."

"Steven…" She started to say as a reminder. This was before they had had sex and he knew that she wanted to wait to the perfect opportunity. And strange enough he respected that.

"Just sleep." He interrupted.

She had fallen asleep directly, and he had just been laying there, beside her with her tiny body close to his own and his arm around her, like that was the only thing that held her left in the bed. It was the first time he experienced that feeling, the feeling of that just lay there close to someone that he loved. To just hear her rhythmical breath and feel her skin against his own. The first night of so many….

He reached out his hand and touched her soft cheek. He did know there background but he didn't know there future. And he did know that she had come running after him the night before and that must mean something.

She moved, at first she dragged up her legs against her chin like a ball and then she stretched out her body. So opened she her eyes and looked around in the room.

"Steven?"

He smiled against her while she was sliding up in a sitting position. She was still dressed in the black dress but he had helped her take off the gloves and the shoes before she went to sleep, and he had discovered the small bandage that was covering her left under arm and worried suspects had started to build up.

"Steven." She repeated a little bit surprised and conceal a yawn with her hand.

A silent fell over them; he could see that she was trying to remember the night before on the small wrinkles that had performed on her forehead.

"Oh!" She seemed to remember because the wrinkles disappeared and she smiled a tired smile against him.

"Jackie." He knew that they had to talk, and even if he hated to talk, was he aware of that was the only way to make it work. "We have to talk."
She looked surprised, like she never had heard that word coming from his mouth before.

"About what?"

"About us, about you and me."

"No." She shook her head.

"No?" He started to feel confused.

"Steven." Her voice was thin. "It will never work."
The word hit him.

"Jackie…." He was searching for her glance and met it. "It will work because…. I love you." He didn't use that word as often as she wanted him to. He had never been good to express his feeling, but he knew that right now she needed to hear it.

"Maybe that isn't enough." She looked down on her hands that were laying outside the quilt.

He still didn't want to understand. This was Jackie Burkhart, the girl that thought that Valentines Day was a holy day. She if someone had to believe that true love was enough.

"Jackie, we can work this out, we can…" He started not really sure about what to say, but she interrupted him.

"I trusted you." She almost yelled, and her glance was glowing when she looked at him. He could tell that this was something old, something that she had carried around a long time, wanting to tell him. "I trusted you." She repeated. "I thought that you understood, but I had wrong."

He could barley stand out with the disappointment in her voice, and at the same time he wonder what she was talking about.

"Jackie, what…."

She interrupted him through getting up from the bed and started to walk around in the room, as she did when se was upset.

"I thought that you understood." She repeated, the anger in her voice was gone, and left were only the disappointment and the fatigue. "I thought that you understood how it was to be unloved, even when you didn't love me you where at last honest. I could always trust on you when everybody else lied and you promised me to never cheat…"

Slowly he started to understand where this conversation was leading him, and he buried his face in his hands afraid to meet her glance.

"You knew what I been through." The word was cutting inside of him, was tearing up wounds in his sole.

"And I trusted you, I trusted you so freaking much." The cry was starting to jostle in to her voice. "I never trusted Michael, or my parents or anybody, except you. How could you let me down like that Steven."

"It was a mistake…." The word was weak, even in his own ears.

"And after that…" Her voce trailed down but returned with full strength. "I wanted it to work, but I couldn't trust you. I was always afraid that you would let me down again. That you would wake up one morning and look at me, and realize that I wasn't what you wanted. Every morning I was afraid to wake up and find that you were gone. After every fight I was afraid that you would never return. We both know that I wasn't what you wanted; I wasn't your type, right? You wanted someone like Donna. "

"I would never leave you Jackie."

"Every body leaves. Steven."
The word scared him, because that was exactly what he had thought for so many years ago.

"No, not I."
"My parents left me, they never wanted me, and Michael just used me when there weren't any other slut that he could get. And you, I thought that you really loved me, but you show me the difference."

"Jackie, I do love you." He looked up at her. "Please Jackie, I do love you, more than anything."

She swallowed.

"There isn't anything like love." She said, her voice was bitter. "At least not for somebody like me. Maybe you think that you loved me, like Michael did all this year, but then you will realize the truth and that day it's going to hurt, because if I give you a second chance, I'm going to love you just more, and then when you finally understand that you doesn't want me, it going to hurt even more." She sobbed. "Please Steven, this is the best way, for both of us."
And with those words she turned around and run out from the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

It was like he couldn't move. He had believed that everything should be all right. She had given him a promise the night before. It had meant something, she had come back, she had chosen him.

Or?

It felt like he had overthrew down in an abyss of darkness, which there where no way up from. He saw her pain filled eyes in front of him over and over again, those enormous eyes that cut wound inside of him.

He hardly heard how the door swung open and someone padded in.

"Do you lover her?"

Marissa stood bend over him. She was dressed in an all to large t-shirt that fell down and covered half of her thighs and her hair was messy after sleep.

He just looked at here, while she sat down on the bed beside him; it took a while before the question sank in.

"I…" He started but got interrupted of one of her long tanned fingers that became placed over his lips.

"You went here for her, Hyde, maybe that says it all."
He just shrugged, without looking on her.

"Maybe it was unnecessarily."

Marissa smiled, the same smile he had seen so many times before in school. She had been Jackie's best friend outside the gang and even if he really never had talked to her, he had met her. She was a copy of Jackie, cute, smart, and with an unpleasant ability to always know what you were thinking.

"Well, I would say it was luck, if you hadn't showed up I had had to call you." She smiled again and met his glance.

He didn't ask why, he all ready knew.

"Jackie is Jackie." Marissa smiled, but this smile didn't reach her eyes. "She wants to live in her fairytale and have her happy-ever-after-end."

Hyde didn't look at her; his eyes were walking over the wall. The words were hitting him, hard!

"You gave her the reality Hyde, you show her that nothing is perfect."
"Maybe she was happier before." He remembers the old Jackie that Jackie seemed to smile a lot more.

"There's thing that never will change, Hyde. You show her how hard the world could be, how people you trust can let you down, how love can be a pain."
He wanted to shut out her words, and at the same time he wanted to here them, like it was a way for him to punish himself for what he had done.

"There are wound that never will heal." Her voice was soft. "Hyde, it was her choice to leave. She's looking for love that not will hurt."

He still didn't looked at her; he just starred in front of himself without really seeing.

"That love doesn't exist Hyde, she want to live without you, because it hurts to be with you, but the truth is that she can't and she knows that."

"So what are you saying, that she can't be with me or without me."

"Love isn't enough Hyde, she loves you so much but it's not enough." She placed a hand under his chin and turned around Hyde's face so he was looking directly into her deep blue eyes. "She need trust, can you give her that?" Her eyes were burning in to his but he didn't broke here eye contact.

"I give her anything."

A smile spread over Marissa's face.

"I know Jackie would choose the right guy for her."

He didn't know what to say, there were hope in Marissa's eyes but he was afraid to trust it.

"Hyde." She reached out her hand and touched his unshaved cheek without breaking their eye contact. "Trust me, it will be okay. Jackie gave you so much, she taught you to love, to trust, and now you have to do the same for her."

"But what if it will not work."

"Jackie just has to realize that she never will have her happy-ever-after-end. Deep inside she already know that. You most make her realize that she can trust on you, no matter what. It will never be perfect, but this time it will be better than last time, that I can promise you."

And when he looked into her blue eyes, he knew that she was speaking the truth.

"Jackie is lucky to have a friend like you…."
"No, it's me that should be lucky to have a friend like her."

A/N: So I really thought that I would post this chapter real quick, (it was already wrote) But then I had to do some changes and then school started and well, I didn't have so much time. So I can't really tell when next (and the last) chapter is going to be post. I can just say, as soon as possible…