A Day in the Life of Lord Voldemort

Part 2: Pre-Party Affairs

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, its characters or plots, nor do I own the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote.

Lord Voldemort ditched all his anti-Harry plans and went to the kitchen. He made himself a grilled cheese sandwich and ate it with a large bottle of butterbeer while watching cartoons. By then, Peter had come back with tons of bags and boxes.

"Master, I bought what you wanted!" exclaimed Peter, laying stuff on the counter. "The hors d'oeuvres are being dropped off later so they'll be hot for the party. The catering company is sending over house-elves to serve them too."

"Very good, put the drinks in the fridge, the food in the cupboards and the rest of the stuff on the counters."

As Peter laboured to put all the food, drinks and party things away, Voldemort continued to watch TV. He had acquired a liking to a certain Muggle show about a "Road Runner". He of course still hated Muggles, but he had such emotion for the shunned criminal mastermind "Wile E. Coyote". He sympathized with this fellow, it reminded him of his struggle to defeat Harry Potter. The Road Runner, like Harry Potter, was stupid, innocent and could easily be defeated. Yet Coyote, like himself, was a genius that had all the strength and creativity in the world. So how did the Road Runner always defeat Coyote, with little to no effort? Lord Voldemort silently sobbed to himself, and when Peter was downstairs, he threw his emptied bottle of butterbeer at the TV. He quickly picked everything up and put it in the sink (good thing the TV didn't crash, he wanted to get some killing strategies from the show! Now where could he get some dynamite...).

By noon, Peter had finished putting everything away. "Finally, you are done!" stated Voldemort. "Now you can start with the decorations." The Dark Lord pointed to bins and bins of decorations, which Peter (who was breathless from carrying all those heavy boxes) gulped down hard at the thought of doing more work. "Yes, Master," he said reluctantly, picking up a box of decorations and taking the things out.

"I hired Walden Macnair to be DJ," announced Voldemort. "He'll be coming later. So Peter, where's my Chocolate Frog?"

"On the counter near the fridge."

Voldemort skimmed through the bags in the kitchen until he spotted the little package. He opened it up and grabbed the chocolate frog inside. He bit off the frog's limbs one by one (he loved to torture the frogs) while pretending to speak for the frog in a squeaky voice saying, "Save me, save me!". Once done, he pulled out the card inside and checked to see who it was.

"Dumbledore again?" The image of Albus in the card looked up at him and gave him the finger. Voldemort was appalled. "How dare you..." He ripped up the card and threw it in the trash. He then called out to Peter. "While you are decorating, I will go outside and work on my yoga routine."

"You do yoga, Master?" enquired Peter as he was dangling from an unstable ladder to put up streamers.

"A true evil mastermind must conquer all aspects of himself: mind, body and soul. Come on, Nagini!"

The Dark Lord went to his bedroom and got into his favourite spandex yoga outfit, at the same time as Nagini was slithering away to find their yoga mats. Peter almost dropped the bag of sparkles (Voldemort insisted on decorating with sparkles) when he saw his master in a getup too clung to his body to be natural. Nagini followed the Dark Lord with the mats out into the garden in the backyard while Peter tried to recover from his burning eyes.

By 4 o'clock the decorations were ready and the dance floor was put together in the living room. Peter had decided to make a steaming pot of pixie soup for himself and the Dark Lord for supper. Once it was ready, Peter went outside to tell Voldemort that supper was waiting for him in the dining room. He found Lord Voldemort contorted on his mat, his legs over his neck and his arms bended in odd positions through his legs.

"Hello, Wormtail. I'm assuming supper is ready."

"Indeed, Master, I made pixie soup!"

"Pixie soup? Darn, I was hoping for fried phoenix sticks..."

"O-Oh, I d-didn't know," stuttered Peter. "I'll make it for you if you - "

"There's no point in making something else now, I've already worked up a vicious appetite. Gosh, Wormtail, why do you have to mess dinner up like this?"

"I- I'm so sorry, Master! I didn't mean to! I'll make a whole feast for you tomorrow, with fried phoenix sticks, cream of Venomous Tentacula and anything your dark heart desires!"

Lord Voldemort gave him a disgusted look, and with a grunt, said, "I will only eat that liquid of filth because I am so famished. You are lucky that I do not put the Crutacius Curse on you."

"Yes, Master, I am very thankful you haven't cursed me," whimpered Peter. "Supper is on the dining room table if you want."

Haha, the guilt trip works every time, thought Voldemort to himself. Peter was about to shuffle back to the house, when Voldemort called him back. "Wait, Peter!"

"Yes, Master?" asked Peter.

"Could you help untangle me? I can't really get out of this position. Oh, and untangle Nagini too." The Dark Lord pointed the abnormally long index finger of his contorted right arm to the right of him, where Nagini lay in a knot on her mat.

"Oh, all right..."

Author's Note: PPLLEEEEAAASSSEE REVIEWWWWWWWWWWW! I beg you! The next chapter's coming up, the party begins then.