PART SIX (from Buffy's POV)

I woke up and I wasn't were I was when I closed my eyes. Did that make sense? I'm not sure, my head feels like it fell off, except as I reach up to put my hand on my forehead, I realise my head is still there.

"Well, that's a shame." I mumble and sit up. "Wow, head rush. Oh, and nausea." I bolt out of the bed and sprint across the room and into my ensuite, where I throw up the contents of my stomach.

"Buffy, are you okay?" asked Dawn from the other side of the ensuite door.

"Do I have to answer that? It's a complicated question." I sighed and let my head hit the tiled wall. Much too complicated question.

"How's your up-chuck reflexes?"

"I thought I told you to stop quoting that bloody movie."

"10 Things I Hate About You is a classic movie and is worthy of being quoted." Retorted Dawn, "do you want anything?"

"Angel."

"I can't get you that, I'm sorry, but it's not possible."

I know, it sucks doesn't it. I want to scream and shout and cry and…I want to die, then I can be with him. I just want to be with him.

"I miss him, Dawnie." A tear forms in my eye and it runs down my cheek. "I didn't realise how much I did, until he was-"

"Buffy, come out of there. Connor, you and I can go do something fun." She said with a laugh, I wanted to hit something really, really hard.

"It's not a good day to do something fun. Please, just leave me alone." God, just leave me alone.

She was quiet for a few moments, then asked: "did you have good dreams?"

"What?"

"Did you dream nice things?"

"No, I didn't, Dawn. He was there."

"But then wouldn't they be good?"

"They are while I'm asleep, but then I wake up and all they are, are dreams. Then they're nightmares because I can't have that when I'm awake."

"I love you, Buffy." Dawn said out of the blue, but I smiled slightly anyway, despite being angry at Dawn just before for being happy. Sometimes you just need to hear that someone loves you, I know I loved it when Angel told me. Don't think about it, him, back then…just don't. Just say it back like you're expected to.

"I love you, too, Dawnie." No, not like you're expected to, but because you do love her. More than anything, she's the one thing you can count on. Stop talking to yourself like you're not here. "Why the display of affection?"

"Because I wanted you to know."

"Thank you."

"Are you sure you don't want to come out? You could eat something." She suggested, I was going to say that wouldn't be a good idea with my hang-over, but she said it for me. "But that could be a bad idea, you might barf all over the nice rug downstairs, or the table, or the lounges-"

"I get it. Go, have fun. Talk to Connor, take him for a walk around the grounds and leave me alone."

"Sure, I'll come and check on you in a few hours."

"Okay, if you want."

After hearing Dawn's footsteps leave the bedroom and the door closed shut, I burst into tears. "Why? Why? Why, damn it?" With clamped fists I slammed the tiled floor, till they broke into pieces and they began to cut my hands, but I still pounded my fists into the tiles. "It's not fair! It's not fair! Why did you do this? Don't you care anymore, I loved you, Angel. I loved you, only you, but you keep leaving. I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"

"Buffy!" yelled Connor from outside. I fell silent and rested my hands by my side. "Buffy, open up, or I'll break down the door."

I didn't move, I focused on making myself breathe. In and out, in and out. Focus on breathing, not on the pain in your heart or in your hands. In and out.

"Buffy, open the door." Said Dawn, it's strange that I never heard them come upstairs. "You know you don't want to pay for someone to fix it later."

Still I didn't move. A few seconds later Connor burst through the door, the wood splintered and the lock broke. Connor came skidding into the room, and I heard Dawn scream my name.

"What did you do?" asked Dawn as she rushed to my side. Connor stayed standing a few feet away. "Buffy, what did you do?" she asked again, I kinda shrugged, trying to say: 'isn't it a little obvious?'

"Here." Connor passed Dawn a packet of bandages we keep in the medicine cabinet. Dawn took the packet, tore into the plastic, carefully held up my right arm and placed the bandage on the wounds on the fingers.

"Connor, could you look at the other hand?" Dawn asked, looking over the hand in her hands.

"Sure." Connor said, I heard him go through the medicine cabinet again, he sat on my left side, and did the same as Dawn in trying the fix up my wounds. I didn't really want them to, I'd heal quickly anyway. But over the years, I've come to realise that the people around me like to think they are helping.

"Why did you do this, Buffy?" asked Dawn, again.

"I was angry. I just did it, it doesn't hurt, so don't worry about-" I tried to pull my hands free from theirs, but both held on tight. "Leave it alone."

"No, not happening." Said Connor. "I realise that you're angry, but that doesn't mean you should hurt yourself."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Buffy, we're just trying to help. Stop being such a baby."

I let them finish, but then forced them to leave me alone, at least for a few hours. So there I sat in my now ruined ensuite, broken tiles and smashed door, with bits of wood on the floor and a piece in the basin. The cuts in the hand are starting the close up, I don't know why I did it. I hate that it said just because I was angry, Connor is right: it is no excuse to hurt myself. But I did it, I'm not that sorry about it either. What does that mean? Will I do something like it again? Will I do something much more drastic?

I shudder at the thought, I wouldn't do that to Dawn, my friends, Giles…now Connor. And Angel…I can't help but think that I would be disrespecting him. Giving in and up. maybe this is what Angel went through when I died the second time, feeling like this, wanting to die, but knowing that you shouldn't do it because the love of your life would be mighty pissed if you did. I hate this, that it's happening. I wish that it wasn't.

"I wish that Angel didn't die." I whispered out loud in a small hope of the wish coming true. "I wish that Angel didn't die. Do you hear me? I wish it. Bring him back. I didn't mean what I said before, I don't really hate him. Just brong him back." But nothing happened, not that I expected it would. At least not right away, I know that I'm being incredibly naïve, but I have to cling to that. In my life, I've come to learn that nothing is impossible.

I fell asleep leaning against the wall of my ensuite, I didn't dream and a huge part of me is grateful. But a small part of me wanted to see him in my dreams. This is different from any other time he's left, this is more permanent, so much more real. Maybe it's because I'm older and have dealt with death more, with my mom, Tara, Spike and Anya. It's not as surreal as it once was…I've become numb to it.

I sat starring at where the door would have been. It was a deep burgundy, kinda of like dark blood. Why does everything have to go back to blood or death. Why can't I have a normal life, with normal people and a normal boyfriend? I don't want to deal with death anymore, I don't want to save people from demons they don't even know exist, I don't want to lose every person that ever meant anything to me. They keep leaving and I don't know what I did to make it happen.

"Buffy are you okay?"

"Connor, what are you doing here?"

"Dawn is making lunch, do you want anything yet, or is your stomach not able to digest food?"

"I might come down, but don't except me to eat anything."

"Sure." Silence. "So are you going to come out."

"Oh, right." I pushed myself to my feet and was quite pleased when I didn't wobble about. "How are you doing?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Yeah, me too." I smiled, but inside, I was angry at smiling. Why are you smiling? Today is not a good day, and tomorrow won't be either. "Did you, uh, tell the Gang not to come till called?"

"Dawn did, then I rang my parents."

"Oh, what did you tell them?"

"That I was in England, helping my vampire father's ex-girlfriend deal with his death."

"You're joking right?"

"Yeah, just the bit about him being a vampire and my father. To quote myself: 'I'm helping a friend deal with her boyfriend's death and I'll be back before the semester starts.'"

"Will you?" I asked, hoping that he'd like to sick around for a bit longer, or at least come back to England every now and then. He's the last bit of Angel left in the world.

"Will I what?"

"Leave when school starts up again?"

"Maybe, I don't know what will happen, it's months away. I'll stay for as long you guys need me."

"What about for as long as you need?"

"Sorry?"

"You lost him too."

"Not like you did."

I nodded, feeling my throat tightened. "But you still lost him too and I'm sick of crying."

"Buffy, about that. I'd like to speak to you-" Connor started, I felt that this would be a heartbreaking conversation, one that I'm not sure I can bear, but Connor lost his father. No matter what he may say about Angel only being his biological father, I know he cares about him dearly. "After lunch, could we…"

"Sure."

"Guys, lunch is ready!" yelled Dawn from downstairs. "Get down here!"

"She's such a nice kid." I said, as we walked out of my bedroom. "Very polite and I only have myself and Xander to blame."

"It'll be fun when I finally meet the others."

"Or living hell, whatever floats your boat." I cringed as the words slipped from my mouth. I also spend too much time with Dawn and Xander, not to mention Andrew. Annoying little nerd.

"Did you just say that?"

"Yeah, but lets pretend I didn't?"

Connor came to a stop and looked pensively at me, I felt uncomfortable and shifted my weight. He kept looking at me as though trying to figure out a problem. I continued to walk towards the staircase, but stopped when Connor spoke.

"Is this where you begin to feel better?"

I turned around to face him, "no, this is where I pretend to be okay."

"Just for the next few hours?"

"Maybe more. I hope I'll be okay for the rest of the day and tomorrow I'll go back to grieving."

"It's a plan."

"You're a bit like your father in the way you joke sometimes. It's out of the blue and not funny all the time. But just don't half-smile, okay. Promise me, you won't do that, 'cause then I'll be back to grieving so fast it'll-"

"Make your head spin."

"Not my head, yours."

"Oh."

"What are you two doing? Get down here before the bread gets crusty!"

TBC...
Hi all, hope you liked this part, tell me, I'd like it very much. luv, Maddy. Oh, and the next part should be up by the end of the week.