Chapter Eleven: Sick Cycle Carousel

If shame had a face I think it
Would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

It was Wednesday night; time to go back to the ravine. I left Danica with my parents, and headed over there. I walked around for a few minutes, before realizing what Jay had done. The van was gone. At that moment, a guy walked up to me and propositioned me.

"Wait here," I told him. I rushed off to my car. I took Danica's car seat and put it in the front passenger seat. Then I went back to they guy who was still waiting. I led him to my car.

"Here?" he asked.

"Well, the van's gone. Where else is there?" I asked.

"I got my own van," he said.

"Fine, we'll go there then." He led me through the ravine, to the other side, where his van was parked. I climbed in, and he closed and locked the door behind him.

"What do you want done?" I asked. He tossed fifty dollars at me in reply. I put it in my pocket. Then he leaned forward and kissed me. I pulled away. "I don't do kissing," I said.

"You do if I say you do!" he said, getting a little angry. He kissed me again, harshly pulling me down by my hair until my back hit the floor of the van.

"STOP!" I screamed when he finished kissing me. "Let me out!" He climbed on top of me, sitting on my legs so I couldn't kick him. Then he laid his left arm down across my chest, pinning me to the floor. "HELP!" I screamed, wriggling around, trying to get away. He kissed me again to silence me, but I bit his bottom lip. Frustrated, he slapped me across the face, and clamped his left hand over my mouth. His lip dripped blood onto my white tank top.

Lifting his arm up, but still covering my mouth, he pulled my shirt up, and then ripped my bra off, breaking the clasp and exposing my chest. I cringed as he kissed me between my breasts, and worked his way down my stomach. He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans, then unzipped them. It took him awhile to pull them off because they were tight, but he did, leaving my legs bare and cold. His hand glided up my leg, all the way up in between my inner thighs. Tears drenched my face and spilled over the sides, down to the floor.

For a split second, he took his hand off my mouth to kiss me. As he kissed me, shoving his tongue down my throat, I heard something. Or someone.

"EMMA?" It was him. The moment the guy's lips left mine, I screamed.

"JAY!" He clamped his hand back over my mouth, but it was too late. Through the tinted window, I could see Jay. He tried the door, but it was obviously locked. I struggled more, trying to kick the guy, but he was too strong. Knowing he was found out, the guy let go of my mouth, trying to finish what he started. He pulled my underwear off, and got his pants down, pulling the boxers down with them. "HELP!" I screamed to Jay.

I saw him punch the window, trying to break the glass. It cracked in a few places, but didn't shatter. He punched it again, as my attacker thrust himself inside me. I screamed out in pain as Jay punched the window once more, succeeding.

Glass flew, hitting my legs. Jay's hand reached in, unlocking the door. The guy was still going at it. I had gotten used to sex, but not this kind of pain. I cried out, but Jay threw the door open, grabbing the guy off of me. He punched him in the face, then kicked him as he fell.

I scrambled into a corner of the van, putting my underwear on and fixing my shirt. My tear-filled eyes met with Jay's rage-filled ones. He was fuming. He jumped on the guy, punching him repeatedly. I got up and out of the van, grabbing Jay's arm.

"Stop Jay! Let's go," I pleaded. But he didn't listen. The guy's face was a bloody mess, but Jay wouldn't stop. He was so angry. He finally stopped when the guy wasn't moving anymore.

"Let's get out of here," he said, grabbing my hand and leading me in the opposite direction. I started to run, but my knees gave out. I was weakened by pain, sadness, anger, and a feeling of unworthiness. I collapsed in tears on the ground. Jay instantly ran to me. He pulled his sweatshirt off and put it on me, covering me. I realized that my pants were still back in that guy's van. Jay picked me up and carried me back to my car. He lay me down in the backseat and drove me home. We climbed in through the window, and he put me on my bed. He tried to lay me down, but I wouldn't. I sat up, staring off into space.

When I finally came out of it, Jay was sitting next to me. He was afraid to touch me, afraid of what my reaction would be. I could tell. Then I looked down and realized there was blood all over my comforter.

"Jay, your hand," I said and gasped. His hand was bloody with pieces of glass still stuck in it. It was broken too. It was purple and swollen. "You have to go to the hospital," I told him.

"So do you," he said.

"No I don't," I told him, looking away.

"Emma! You were just raped! You have to go. You have to nail this guy," he told me.

"And how do you suppose I do that?" I yelled back. "I don't even know who he was. Besides, he'd win! Every guy at the ravine would say I was such a whore and probably come to his defense. And you beat the crap out of him, and would probably be labeled a 'jealous boyfriend' and get charged with assault. It's not gonna happen. I have enough to worry about right now."

"Emma…" he started to say, but I cut him off.

"No Jay! I'm taking you to the hospital." I rummaged through my drawers and put sweatpants on. Looking in my mirror, I wiped the tears from my eyes and fixed my makeup. I brushed my hair until it was smooth, and then led Jay back through the window. We drove to the hospital in silence.

So when will this end?
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked Jay as he pulled glass from his hand. When Jay didn't answer, I spoke for him.

"One of those stupid parties you know?" I said. "We were playing truth or dare," I lied.

"And someone dared him to punch a window out?" Dr. Reed asked me.

"Yeah. It was our friend's old car."

"Is this true Mr. Hogart?" Jay hung his head, still not answering.

"He's a little embarrassed. The guys were teasing him because he sorta cried a little." The lies were coming easier and easier. Jay's head shot up and he glared at me. The doctor took this as him being mad I told, so he figured I was telling the truth.

"Well, here's the deal. You need stitches in this gash," he said, pointing to a cut across the back of Jay's hand. "However, you also need a cast, seeing as you broke your second, third, and fourth metacarpal bones. So, I'll have to stitch you up, put the cast on, and take it right back off again when you get your stitches out. Then, I'll have to put another cast on because I know the bones won't be healed yet," he explained. Jay simply nodded. Dr. Reed put five stitches in his hand, and then fitted it with this huge cast (Jay chose a black one) that went over his hand, with just the tips of his fingers sticking out of the top. "You're all set Mr. Hogart," the doctor told him. He gave Jay some papers to sign and then we were able to leave.

We set off for my house. Everything was silent until Jay decided he wanted to have a heart to heart. Again.

"Wow Em, pretty good at lying," he said.

"Thanks, I try," I told him, grinning.

"It's not something to be proud of you know."

"What's your problem?" I asked, getting mad. "I just saved your ass in there and you can't even thank me?"

"Thanks Emma. Really. But I'm still worried about you. I want to help you," he pleaded.

"The only way for you to help me is keep watching Danica. That's all I need from you," I said.

"Emma, I don't want to be your Prince that comes and sweeps you off your feet. I just want to help you get your life back on track. You don't need the ravine, it's not good for you," he said.

"Let me ask you something. How did you find me tonight?" I asked, choking back tears. I was realizing what really happened to me, and if Jay hadn't come, I don't know what could have happened.

"I really wanted to believe that you wouldn't go back there. But I knew you wouldn't be able to just walk away. I knew you needed the money. That's why I took the van back home with me. I didn't want you using it to hurt yourself more. I never even dreamed that some other guy had his own van down there. So anyway, I went to the ravine tonight, hoping that I wouldn't find you. I asked around and some girls said they saw you follow the guy to the other side. I saw the van and got upset, then I heard you," he explained. By the time his story was finished, we were back at my house.

"Jay?"

"Yeah Emma?"

"Thanks." He smiled at me.

"You're not going back there are you?" he asked, worried.

"No, I promise. But I need more money. My weekend job doesn't pay enough," I told him.

"I'll find a way to help you. I promise," he told me. "Take care of yourself Emma, I'll see you tomorrow." We hugged and I watched him walk off in the direction of his house. For some reason, he wouldn't let me see it.

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

"I'm home!" I called into the living room. The house was dark and no one was around. Then I looked at the clock, it was almost two in the morning! I didn't realize we waited so long at the ER. Great, now my parents will be pissed at me in the morning. I went downstairs, checked on Dani, got into my pajamas, and climbed into bed.

I felt dirty. I wanted to take a shower, but it would probably wake my parents up. I tried to hold back the tears that wanted to spill out. It didn't work. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have gone to the ravine. Jay was right. For once, he was smarter than me. And now I feel so helpless. What if I'm pregnant again? Or got another STD? What is wrong with me?

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle carousel, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel

A/N: The song is out of order in the story, but it's "Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse and they own it. I'm pretty sure I'll reveal the father next chapter! Sorry it's taken so long, but in Emma's world it's really only been a week and a half since the story started!