Chapter Twelve: Confessions
I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break, holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
"Emma, wake up." I quickly sat up and looked around. My mom was standing next to my bed. "Forget to set your alarm?" she asked. I looked at the clock; it was seven. Glancing towards the crib, I noticed that Danica was still sleeping. I flopped back onto the bed.
"I don't feel good," I said, clutching my stomach. It was true. I think I was making myself sick, thinking about last night.
"Do you need to stay home from school today?" she asked. I nodded my head. "Well, if you don't feel good, don't go near Dani. She could get sick. You should just rest and let Jay take care of her. I'll call your dad so he can tell the school you won't be in."
"Okay," I said, closing my eyes.
"How late did you get in last night?" Mom asked.
"Around two. But don't get mad!" I said, opening my eyes again. "I worked late and then came across Jay. I had to take him to the hospital," I said, telling the truth for once.
"What happened? Is he okay?" she asked, worried.
"Yeah, he's fine. He broke his hand after doing something stupid when someone dared him to," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Oh, well is he still going to be able to take care of Danica?"
"Yeah, I'm sure he will." I closed my eyes once again.
"Okay honey, I have to get to work. I love you, bye," she said, kissing me on my forehead.
"I love you too, bye Mom," I replied before drifting off to sleep.
Are you gone and onto someone new
I needed somewhere to hang my head without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have but had no use
I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again but I break loose
My head is giving me life or death but I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse
When I woke up again, I rolled over, only to see Jay sitting right next to me. He had Dani's highchair pulled up next to the bed and was feeding her some warmed baby food. I watched as he made airplane noises and waved the spoon around. Danica was giggling away. It was really cute. But it reminded me of Oliver.
-Flashback-
"Look at how beautiful she is Emma," Oliver said, holding my baby out to me.
"Be careful!" I said. I tried to hide my tears from him, but it didn't work.
"She's going to get better. You need to hold her; it'll help," he told me. We were in the NICU. Just then, I could have sworn that I saw her smile.
"She loves you," I said, wiping my tears away. I took her from Oliver, convinced by her smile that she would be fine.
-End of Flashback-
"Em? Are you okay?" Jay asked, snapping me out of my memory. It seemed like it was only a few days ago that I fell in love with Oliver. But it's been nearly a year.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied.
"How'd you sleep?" I noticed that he didn't mention anything about the previous night.
"Good. Let me clean her up for you," I said, getting off the bed. I took her out of her highchair and brought her over to her changing table. I wiped her face off, changed her diaper, and then tried to find an outfit to put her in. "Great," I said out loud, sighing.
"What's wrong?" Jay asked.
"She doesn't fit into any of these clothes!" I whined.
"Do you have any money to get some new ones?"
"Yeah, but all I have is fifty dollars left until Saturday," I told him.
"Well, let's go shopping, pick out just a few outfits, and she'll have enough until you can get more. And if you need any more money, I can lend you some, okay?"
"That sounds good. Not to be rude but, what money do you have other than what I pay you? I mean, you don't have another job," I questioned him.
"I have contacts," he said with a grin.
"Whatever. I guess she can go to the store in her pajamas. I just have to go take a quick shower. I'll be back," I said, handing her over to Jay.
As soon as I was dressed and ready to go, I walked into the living room to find Jay playing with Danica.
"You ready?" I asked.
"Yeah." He picked Dani up, slung the baby bag over his shoulder, and headed off to the car. He was really starting to look like her father. The way he took care of her so well, how he always held her carefully. I realized that I wasn't being fair to him. Here he was, helping me raise my child, when he wasn't even the father. And he's told me that he loves me, which makes me think that he's only doing this for that reason. But he loves Danica. And here I am, wishing that Oliver was the one holding her.
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love, you die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
Your trust, you must confess
Jay and I walked around in the baby clothes section, picking out clothes for Danica. I felt a pang of guilt every time I saw him tickle her, or kiss her on the forehead. I couldn't stand it any longer.
"Let's go," I said as soon as we had about five definite outfits for her and three pairs of pajamas.
"That's not enough clothes for her," he protested. "Look, I have some money and I want to help pay for it. She needs some dresses," he said, walking over to a rack full of dresses. He started sifting through them.
"Jay, you shouldn't be helping pay!" I said, raising my voice. "She's not your daughter!" His head snapped up and he glared at me. He was holding a beautiful light purple dress. He threw it into the cart and started pushing it.
"I know," he said through gritted teeth. "You're right, let's go." I rushed to catch up with him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put it like that," I said, taking a hold of his arm. He shook me off.
"Whatever Emma. Let's just go ring this stuff up and get out of here." He sped off, and I walked as fast as I could to keep up. We got to the register and he still ignored me. While waiting in line, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around and nearly fainted.
"What are you guys doing here?" I asked Manny and Craig. "And why aren't you in school?" I directed the second question at Manny. She shrugged.
"Craig picked me up early. We're just shopping," she said innocently.
"So this must be the little one I've been hearing all about," Craig said, tickling Danica under her chin. Jay glared at him defensively, and Dani pulled back, about to cry. I turned and glared at Manny who gave me her 'sorry, it slipped' look and shrugged her shoulders.
"I'm gonna go change her," Jay announced, picking her up and grabbing the baby bag. He left off in search of the nearest bathroom, leaving me with Manny and Craig. Great.
"So, uh, is there any reason that you guys are shopping here?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"We're just preparing for when we have kids," Craig said.
"That's not any time soon I hope…" I said. Manny shot me a look, and Craig just smiled. This was so awkward.
"No, just planning a little ahead. Manny, we better go. Nice seeing you Emma," he said. Manny waved to me and they walked off. I quickly paid for Danica's clothes, spending the rest of my money, and met Jay back at the car. When we were driving home, Jay asked me something I wasn't prepared to answer.
"So, who is he?" he asked.
"Who?"
"Her father. You made it a big point to say I'm not her dad, which I already knew, but I want to know who is. And why isn't he taking care of her?" he asked.
"I'm really not ready to say," I said, looking out the window.
"Yeah, well, whoever he is, he sure doesn't know what he's missing." Jay smirked at me, and I wasn't quite sure what he meant. Regardless, we were back at my house, and he didn't make any move to get out of the car. I got Danica and her new clothes out of the car and started walking up to my house. "See ya Greenpeace!" Jay yelled out the window. He hasn't called me that in a long time. It brought back some memories that I didn't want to think about. I rushed inside. I had some calls to make.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession, my friend, I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse
I lay in bed that night, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I keep thinking about what happened on Wednesday night. Every time I close my eyes, I have visions of that guy forcing himself on me. My pillow was soaked with tears, and Danica kept waking up. For some reason, I think she knew that I felt like shit and she was trying to comfort me.
I may be able to pretend that nothing happened, and pretend that I'm fine, but I know I'm not. I don't want Jay to see how much this is hurting me, and I don't want to be a bad mother to Danica if it's all I can think about. So I push my rape into the back of my mind, but it haunts me at night.
Why did this have to happen to me right when I needed to be strong for my daughter? I know why. Because I'm a slut. I slept around with guys at the ravine, so I probably gave this guy the wrong impression of me. It's my fault. I became the cheap, easy whore that I was always afraid of becoming. Ever since Manny got pregnant, I convinced myself that I wasn't going to turn out like that. And yet, here I am.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
A/N: The part at the end is to show that I'm not just going to have Emma be raped and have that be the end of it…I just wanted to show that she blames herself and everything, but she's determined to not let it affect her taking care of the baby. Anyway, the song is "Best of You" by Foo Fighters…it's a great song and they own it. I know that everyone really wants me to say the father, and I said that it would be happening this chapter, but it didn't work out! Next chapter; I promise! Oh I'm so excited because Sean made a guest appearance on ER tonight! (October 13). He looked super hot and his hair was longish and curly. Just thought I'd tell you. Might I add I just got home from the best concert I've ever been to! It was Dashboard Confessional and it rocked.