The Wizard of La

Disclaimer: I own neither The Wizard of Oz nor Marvel Comics. Please, exercise some common sense, people! As an additional disclaimer, I did bring in some of the original lyrics from the film and alter them in this chapter.

Chapter Five – Tin 'Kitty'

"Remy, what's it like to have a brain?" Scott asked Remy.

"Y'never gonna know." Remy said. "But it's nice. Remy likes."

SCREEECH!

Remy cringed at the sound of metal scraping on metal and got ready to charge Scott and threw him at whatever was making the noise. He turned to the source of the noise, only to see a man made from metal. 'Remy bets dis be Wolfie!' The tin man held a bloody ax up in his right hand, as if about to strike. It was rusted into place!

"Oil!" The voice ordered harshly. "Or I'll kill you!"

Remy frowned. "Anyt'in' f'ya. Mon name is Remy."

"Victor! Victor Creed! I uhh…chop wood!"

"Remy know's dat's not all y'like t'cut up, but he'll be nice, eh?" Remy said, oiling Sabertooth's squeaky joints, and pulling the arm down. "What kinda wood bleeds, mon ami?"

Sabertooth ignored the comment and began to threaten Remy. "My neck!" Creed ordered rudely at Remy, who started to walk away, but was stopped by Scott.

"We should help him!" Scott said.

"Non, y'don' get an opinion cause y'don got da right organs, and Remy ain' talking bout ya brain." Remy said, walking farther down the road.

Scott threw a dejected look in Remy's direction. "We could sell him for scrap metal." Remy smiled and turned to Scott, patting him on the back. They walked back to Sabertooth, who looked at them pleadingly. Scott oiled his neck. "Happy?" Scott said, smiling.

"Oh – bang on my chest if you think I could be happy!" Remy rolled his eyes at the melodramatics. "Go ahead – Bang on it!"

Remy crossed his arms. "Uhhhh…Remy tends t'not like touchin' ya. What's da point?"

"I havn't got a heart!" Sabertooth said.

"And dat's news?" Remy said. 'Dis is almost funny. Almost.'

Sabertooth began to skip and prance about when Remy grabbed him. "Y'sing an Remy gonna hurt ya. Understood?" Sabertooth brushed him off and rhythmically tapped his foot, quickly joined by the dress-clad scarecrow. Remy groaned and covered his ears, unable to completely drown out the noise.

I was cutting up a victim,

When he issued me this dictum.

And now I'm torn apart.

Just because I'm presumin'

That I could be kind of human,

If I only had a heart.

I'd be tender -- I'd be gentle

And awfully sentimental

Regarding Love and Art

I'd be friends with sparrows...

...And the boy who shoots the arrows

If I only had a heart.

Picture me...a balcony...Above a voice sings low.

Sabertooth twisted and spun like a bad cheerleader and then got closer to Remy's face. Remy decided at that point that Sabertooth was really good at torturing people with his voice. He could give up the whole violence thing and just sing at people for punishment and pain.

I hear a beat...how sweet!

Just to register emotion

Jealousy -- Devotion --

And really feel the part,

I could stay young and chipper,

And I'd lock it with a zipper,

If I only had a heart...!

"Shut da hell up!" Remy finally barked at them. "Remy's gettin' real tired o'dis singin' bullshit. And you, Creed, sick. Y'carryin' a bloody ax around blamin' y'hollow chest for it. Y'kill because y'jus' plain bad, ain' got no'tin' t'do wit da fact dat y'got no heart." He started walking again, not particularly caring whether or not he was followed. "Dis is worse dan mon nightmares 'bout Antarctica. Remy take freezin' to death an' bein' hungry over his crap any day. Sabertooth singin', Jean bein' a witch, mini-Jubes…and mon exes as trees. Merde, merde, merde."

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Pleased? Displeased? Leave me a comment!

In defense of making Sabertooth the tin woodsman, I found a large amount of irony in it. Sabertooth, wanting a heart, so he can be nice. Admit it, it's ironic and hilarious.

Next Chapter: And The Wicked Witch is Unveiled!