- Chapter 02 -
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It was already late at night when Sisko finally dropped with a heavy sigh on the couch of the quarters he had rented the same morning they had arrived in the city of Velurin. So far he hadn't allowed himself even one single minute of rest, his exhaustion slowly but surely getting the better of him.
After their meeting with Dr. Bashir hadn't quite gone the way he'd imagined it, he'd raced up and down the whole place, trying to make some further investigations – without any remarkable success so far. The only thing he knew for sure was that Dr. Julian Bashir was definitely working in the infirmary of the Administrative Authority of Velurin, but how he had gotten there remained a riddle.
The whole afternoon Sisko had kept struggling with stubborn and arrogant bureaucrats who had made him feel like he was utterly unwelcome to sneak around and poke his nose into things that were none of his business. Sisko had tried to handle the whole situation discreetly without attracting too much official attention. But as – after hours talking to various members of the city council – the crash of a Starfleet runabout kept being denied by every person he spoke to, it had gradually dawned on him that he wouldn't be able to count on the help of any official representative if he wanted to find out more about Dr. Bashir's sudden disappearance.
He sighed. Perhaps O'Brien had found out something more useful by now. When they had met at 1600 neither Dax nor the chief had much to report – least of all any progress in their investigation to share. O'Brien had gone back into town while Dax had preferred to stay near Julian to have a watchful eye on the young man.
When he had finally gotten to his quarters an hour ago it had already been late. Too late to go and contact his two officers to get a report on their latest findings. So he had rescheduled their meeting for tomorrow morning, granting everyone the rest they surely needed.
He was just about to go and snatch some hours of sleep when the high-pitched chime of the door suddenly broke the silence.
"Come in!" he commanded, automatically adopting the same military tone he always used aboard his station. Then he shook his head, reminding himself that this wasn't DS9 and that he didn't have to bark orders right now. With a more gentle voice he added: "Come in, please."
When the door glided open, he instinctively expected to see one of his senior staff officers but the figure standing now in the doorway wasn't at all familiar. Or did he know him?
When the person stepped closer, Sisko recognized the young man who had come rushing into the infirmary the same morning, involuntarily interrupting their short conversation with Bashir at that time. He frowned.
"Excuse me, Mr. Sisko, but we've got to have a talk." The young man seemed rather embarrassed about having to disturb Sisko at such a late hour, but with the door closing in his back, he awkwardly came over and offered Sisko his hand.
"I'm John, engineer of the upper department, in charge of electricity and the maintenance of the upper systems. I'm sorry to bother you this late but I need to talk to you…" Hesitating, he passed his hand nervously through his blond hair.
"...It's about Julian."
Stunned, the captain gestured for his sudden visitor to have a seat. Warily – as if coming to see Sisko hadn't been a good idea at all – John sat down, casting an apprehensive look around before he turned his attention back to the captain.
"You're from Starfleet, aren't you? If you're the commanding officer, you must be Captain Sisko..."
Sisko knit his brow in surprise. "How did you know?"
The young engineer kept silent for a long time, until he finally spoke again. "From Julian."
"I'm not sure we're talking about the same Julian," Sisko gave back warily. "When we visited him in the infirmary this morning he didn't seem to recognize anyone of us. How could he have told you?"
John looked around as if he was afraid of someone eavesdropping, then leaned closer, at the same time trying to avoid Sisko's questioning gaze.
"He... told me when he first arrived."
Sisko arched one brow. "Three months ago?"
Reluctantly, John nodded, a painful expression on his still tense face.
"What happened?" Sisko looked him straight in the eye. "I've lost one of my most important officers. I want him back."
John took a deep breath. He stared troubled to the floor. "That's not possible. Please, believe me, it's not that easy."
Somehow Sisko felt as if he didn't really want an answer to his question. But he needed one. Something had happened to his chief medical officer and he had to know what. "Please, John, we need to help Julian. If he told you about me, you must know that Julian is a member of my crew. He went missing three months ago. We've been searching for him ever since. What happened?"
John shook his head, a sudden strange resolution in his eyes, "No. I can't tell you. I just wanted to let you know that you have to keep away from Julian. It's the best for you and him. Please, I beg of you, no matter how much you want to have your officer back, keep away from him. I know that it's hard for you to accept this – or to listen to the words of a complete stranger. But please. I don't want Julian to suffer any more. And he will – if you keep trying to get him back."
Sisko involuntarily leaned toward the young man and propped himself onto his knees, shaking his head. He wasn't sure he could follow. What the hell was that young man talking about?
"John, why is it bad for him to know who we really are – who he really is? We just want to have him back. He doesn't belong here. Something is wrong with Julian and you're the only person who could shed some light on what happened. You're his friend. I can understand that you just want him to be safe – but so do we. I'm sorry but leaving him here in his present condition is simply out of the question. We don't even know what happened to him." Sisko felt his temper rise, though he tried to keep his voice controlled.
"Was he brainwashed? Was he injured in the shuttle crash? Why can't Julian remember anyone of us?" he tried again in a milder tone.
The silence that followed was stifling. He wasn't sure what he saw in the young man's shimmering eyes but whatever it was, it made a cold shiver run down his spine. Finally the young engineer shook his head, severing the eye contact. "I'm sorry, that's all I can tell you. Please keep away from Julian."
Even before Sisko was able to hold him back, John had gotten to his feet, spun around and left the quarters without any further word. Considering running after him Sisko had already scrambled to his feet, but hesitated then.
If he wanted to know the truth he needed to gain the young man's trust. Threatening or urging him would just make things worse. And he couldn't risk losing the only person on this whole planet who might be able to help them...
"But we can't leave him behind! Not in his present condition anyway!"
O'Brien's flushed face showed signs of apparent, genuine indignation as he lowered the coffee mug with a loud thud. He had just went to bed a few minutes ago when the persistent and unnerving chime of the door had woken him from the shallow twilight of sleep. He hadn't been too surprised to find Sisko and Dax standing outside his quarters - with dark faces and some news for him that turned out to be even darker. Rubbing his tired and grainy eyes in a futile effort to wipe away the rest of his sleepiness, he let out a long, heavy breath.
"Chief, no one is suggesting to leave him behind," Sisko explained in a deep, stern voice, though it didn't sound very convincing to the Irishman.
"Who would trust an unknown guy claiming to be Julian's friend and demanding to leave him here – without any further explanation at all? And that in the middle of the night," he added with a tinge of contempt, though it was not clear whether his anger was directed toward that strange and mysterious engineer or the captain who was even considering the alternative of abandoning his crewman after they had finally found him.
"Chief, I think you got me completely wrong," Sisko said slowly, stressing each single word.
"I'll never return to DS9 leaving Dr. Bashir behind. But that's exactly what everyone around here is expecting us to do. First the Central Administrative Authority, then the bureaucrats of Velurin and now this young man claiming to know Julian."
"He isn't just claiming to know him, Benjamin, they're friends. I've already met them together." Dax gentle voice broke off the argument. "When I met them in the afternoon, they seemed to be some very good friends actually."
Snorting, O'Brien met her gaze. "So, if they're really so good friends as you say, why isn't he willing to tell us about Julian?" he retorted in a way that made it impossible for him to hide his disappointment about having lost his best friend to somebody he didn't even know – least of all trust.
O'Brien pressed his lips into a thin line and inhaled deeply to calm himself. Was that what their friendship was ultimately worth? All those hours they had spent together in the holosuite. All those fits of rage he'd had to endure from his wife when he had spent too much time with Julian instead of his family. It had always taken him great effort to convince Keiko that despite all the time he spent with Bashir, she still was and always would be the center of his life - she was his wife, after all - and that he loved her. And all that should be forgotten in only three months?
"Well, if you ask me, we should go and have a serious talk with that John. If he isn't able to help us, who else is?" O'Brien grumbled.
Sisko shook his head. "I'll take care of it, Chief. I'll go and talk to him. Besides, have you found out anything about the runabout yet?"
O'Brien tried to keep his temper low though he wasn't able to banish the anger completely out of his voice. "So far I haven't found anything yet. Nothing's out of order, but I'll have another look in the eastern part of the woods. If Julian really crashed down in this area, there have to be some detectable residual emissions, like a residues of the shuttle's ion signature or short-ranged radiation of the runabout's hull breech. I've already had the southern and western part of Velurin scanned but wasn't able to find anything yet. But if you ask me, the easiest way would be to get a combadge on Julian and beam him out as soon as we can. There's plenty of time later to learn what happened and why he can't recall the time before Velurin. At least he would be safe on the Orinoco. Safer than here, if what John said is true, that is."
Dax dismissively shook her head. "We can't contact the Orinoco yet. But even if it were possible, I don't think it would be a good idea to get him off like this. Not without contacting the station first and getting the Defiant as reinforcement. We shouldn't risk anything by rushing things. I doubt that Julian is in any immediate danger right now. Leaving out the fact that we are not welcome here or that our efforts to find out more about the incident are not very appreciated, we haven't had any actual problems yet. We'd better not push our luck. When the Orinoco comes in reach for communication again we can send a message to Kira and get her help. In the meantime we can still try to find something out without attracting too much attention."
Sisko nodded absently. "Dax, I'd like you to stay close to Bashir and this young engineer. Perhaps you can gain their trust."
"I'll do my best. Getting closer to him shouldn't be that difficult. He's a doctor, after all," she smiled before stretching out both arms in front of her and stifling a yawn. "Until then, though, I'd suggest we go back to sleep – there's not much we can do until tomorrow."
Taking the hint, Sisko dismissed his officers, glad to finally find some rest after those long hours of mental struggle. However, he hadn't told Dax and O'Brien the real reason why he didn't want to get Julian off the planet the way O'Brien had suggested earlier, why he insisted to find out what really had happened those three months ago. He couldn't blame the chief for his reaction. But he didn't know the whole truth.
Sisko hadn't told them about his vision back on DS9, about the prophets who had urged him to act.
The existence of our kind is in danger.
Mulling their words once again over in his mind, he wondered what they had meant. They hadn't spoken clearly to him, more like in a riddle – but he knew they had been serious then.
When they had finally made it to Felan III the others might have thought it a pure coincidence to find remains of Bashir's ion signature still in the orbit, but Sisko had known better. They had been led there. No, he had been led there and if he knew one thing for sure it was that the problem wouldn't be solved just by taking Bashir back to DS9.
Something had happened in the last three months. Something that was now endangering the existence of the prophets. He wasn't sure what it was, but he was resolute to find out. And he knew that Bashir was the key to it all.
"Damn thing!"
He immediately regretted the violent kick against the metal bin he had tripped over only seconds before, when a stabbing pain shot up his right foot. Angrily he jumped on the other one till the numbness gradually faded from his toes and he was able to gently strain it again.
Why the hell would someone dump such a dangerous, bulky bin in the middle of the woods? No one could expect him to have his eyes everywhere – especially not far down below the dense shield fern whose giant black-tinged leaves blocked out the entire ground from view. How would he have loved to kick that damn thing again, transporting it right into the next swamphole. However, he didn't have time to take a chance and break his foot at the attempt. Sisko probably wouldn't be too appreciative. Biting back a blunt curse, he limped back a few meters and dropped down onto one of the many gnarled trunks, cautiously taking care of his injured foot, though it was not so much the physical pain that was bothering him.
Only thinking back on their encounter with Julian in the morning, he felt anger rise within him. Why hadn't Julian recognized them? He had greeted them as if they were nothing more than strangers, had shown no hint of joy or relief to meet his old friends again – people who once had filled an important, essential part of his life. When they had left the infirmary that morning he had immediately wanted to run after Julian, but Sisko wouldn't have let him. For some reason he had respected Sisko's wish then - perhaps there was more to the whole affair as he had originally thought. Julian spending three solid months on the planet without anyone seeing it necessary to contact Starfleet was odd. No matter how often he thought about it, he couldn't understand the Felani. He knew very well that they appreciated their isolation – he couldn't see anything wrong with that. Apart from the fact that Julian must apparently be kept on the planet against his will because he could think of no other plausible explanation.
Why else would the Felani make such a secret of Bashir's whereabouts in Velurin? Captain Sisko had told him that the Administrative Authority of Velurin vigorously refused to cooperate on that issue and that was reason enough for O'Brien to become suspicious – added to that the fact that Julian obviously seemed to have no recollection of his past life before Velurin.
He would never have thought it possible that he would have to meet Julian again like he had met him that very first day on the station four years ago. He hadn't liked him then – well, to be honest, even that was an understatement. In truth he hadn't been able to stand him. Arrogant, presuming and overbearing. That was how he had gotten to know the young doctor in those days.
He didn't know how or when - but that young, arrogant doctor had changed. And so had O'Brien's attitude toward him. Perhaps his dislike for Julian and everything involving him had just been some kind of latent envy for his youth and naivete, his desire for adventure and challenges. Eventually their relationship had changed. Julian had become his friend. His best friend. Not being recognized by him any more had hurt. He was afraid that he would lose his friend, that he might have to start all over again. Julian was important to him – one of the reasons for volunteering for the rescue mission back on DS9. Somehow he had felt guilty for just to sitting there doing nothing, for just waiting for things to turn out right in the end. For waiting until Julian would finally come back. But he also knew that Julian was counting on him. He didn't want to betray that trust. Julian would have done the same for him.
With a heavy sight O'Brien flung open his tricorder, scanning his surroundings once more. The emissions had increased. Casting a suspicious look around, he tried to make out anything suspicious. Anything that was out of place. But the only thing he saw were those voluptuous fern leaves and the huge, thick trunks of the meter-high trees. He looked again at his tricorder – the emission definitely was there.
It had been pure coincidence, though, when he had picked it up for the first time at the northern end of the city nearly an hour ago. At first he hadn't been sure what the strange emission really meant but glad for every smallest chance of a hint, he had followed its signature into the woods at the outer skirts of the city. Perhaps he wouldn't have taken notice under normal circumstances and would have kept on searching without even having a look at the slightly deviating background radiation that could as well be of natural origin – but these weren't normal circumstances. O'Brien had tracked it down to this very spot in the middle of the woods. It had gradually increased, though he hadn't been able to tell what the reason behind it could be. However, he knew one thing for sure now: This emission was not natural. Not at all. And that was reason enough to make some further investigations.
Standing in the middle of the woods, he was gradually beginning to doubt his previous suspicion, though. Even if there was some kind of emission here, so far away from the town, where could it possibly emanate from? It was too weak for a defense shield. Even a holo-emitter wouldn't create such readings. But what was it then? According to his readouts there was no person around in a radius of one kilometer, even though the emission had reached its maximum at the very point O'Brien was standing on.
Suddenly he had an idea, spinning round to the metal bin. Bending the broad fern leaves apart, he spotted a knee-high, plain metal container with a black and even surface. There was no indication as for its use. Passing one open hand intently over its top, he cast a swift look at the tricorder but couldn't make out anything special about it. Perhaps there wasn't any particular importance to it at all – but why should someone dump it in the middle of a forest? For Starfleet officers sneaking around to bump their feet against it? Surely not. No matter what it was, it was suspicious. And under the present circumstances it was the only thing that had managed to draw O'Brien's attention so far.
Looking around one last time, he marked the exact position on the display. As soon as he had informed Sisko and Dax, they would return and have a closer look at that thing.
When she entered the infirmary, he was bending over one of the medical consoles, completely oblivious to the faint hiss of the door announcing the arrival of incoming patients. Even when the door slid shut behind her back, he didn't seem to realize that she was there. Clearing her throat in an audible way, she stepped closer.
"Excuse me but..." she began, letting the rest of the sentence involuntarily taper off when the young man suddenly spun around, apparently startled to see her stand there.
He looked bad. And within an instant she knew that something must have happened. His once bright eyes had lost their sparkle, leaving behind a weary and blank expression on his too pale face. Awkwardly he tried to force a smile on his lips, but she knew it wasn't genuine.
It seemed as if it took him a great deal of effort not to let his bad condition shine through – and he might have even been successful with a stranger. But she wasn't a stranger. She knew him all too well to let herself be fooled so easily.
He had his right arm in a sling around his neck, the white bandage wrapped around his forearm, protruding from beneath the black sleeve of his uniform.
"What happened to your arm?" she asked in alarm, already moving closer.
"Well, it's not as bad as it seems, really. Just a small injury in the gym yesterday. John and I were playing like hell but I think somehow I didn't see the net and - there I lay," he shrugged, smiling wearily in a futile attempt to make light of the matter.
"Is it broken?"
With a slight frown, Julian shook his head, his eyes straying to his injured arm. "Just strained – I think."
"Why didn't you treat it? Surely it hurts a lot."
"No, I told you, it's not as bad as it seems. And besides, the dermal generator is malfunctioning and John hasn't had any time to repair it, yet. But I assure you, it's nothing," he added quickly - too quickly.
He was lying. She could see it in his eyes.
"Are you sure you can work? Perhaps you should better take a rest?"
"No. The injury won't keep me from caring for my patients," he smiled, showing the typical bashirish bedside manner. She hadn't known how much she had missed it in the past months he hadn't been among them... "What can I do for you?"
Walking over to one of the biobeds, she made up some symptoms of a non-existing stomach ache, knowing all too well that it wouldn't sound very convincing to a doctor. The lie had to do, though. Wondering how to direct the conversation back to yesterday's afternoon, she turned to face him when Julian suddenly stopped in mid-stride. He suddenly looked as if he was going to throw up.
"Are you okay? You don't seem to be fine at all," she held worriedly.
Covering his eyes with his good hand, the young man slowly shook his head. "I just feel a bit dizzy, that's all. It'll pass..."
Instinctively Dax reached for her tricorder – just to realize that she had left it in her quarters. Quickly, she cast a look around until she spotted a small device, quite similar to her Starfleet tricorder. Decidedly she retrieved it from the table next to the biobed and flung it open, surprised to find the display so familiar to the Starfleet technology she was used to.
Lowering his arm and bracing himself on the edge of the biobed next to him, Julian eyed her in confusion while Dax ran a short diagnostic on the young doctor.
"What..." he began slightly irritated, just to be interrupted by the Trill's worried voice.
"Oh my god ..."
That's it. She had known the instant she had entered the room and had spotted him, that something was wrong with him. He was nearly about to collapse. How could he even manage to stand?
"I..."
Pulling gently at his arm, she forced him to sit down on the biobed. Although he didn't seem to share her worry, he obeyed without offering any resistance, his face a faint grimace. Until his eyes suddenly started to unfocus.
"I assure you, Jadzia," he began slowly, his eyes closing. "I'm absolutely..."
The last words never made it past his lips, when the upper part of his body suddenly tipped over, making her instinctively reach out and catch his unconscious body before it fell backward off the biobed. Cautiously she drew him up before easing his unconscious body down onto the bed. He didn't move, his chest seeming to hardly take in any breath at all. Hastily she grabbed again for the medical tricorder. Skimming through the readouts, she let out a short sigh of relief when she saw that his pulse was steady, after all. He had lost consciousness – a physical breakdown as far as she could assess from the readouts. At least he didn't seem to be in any life threatening danger apart from the unnatural exhaustion he had obviously suffered – though she had absolutely no idea what it could be due to. When her gaze dropped to his inert, sleeping face, she felt a sudden pang of guilt.
Pulling a blanket from one of the racks next to her, she gently tucked it around his motionless body, careful to leave out his injured arm.
"I'm sorry, Julian," she whispered anxiously, gently squeezing his hand.
It didn't take her long to find what she was looking for. The dermal tissue generator sat on one of the many shelves in the back part of the infirmary, though it was anything but malfunctioning. It emanated a violet, warm light when she turned it on. Slightly confused, she went back to Bashir and carefully pulled up the uniform sleeve of his right arm. Having cautiously winded off the white bandage, her gaze dropped to the swollen flesh of the young man's broken arm. It really seemed to be a fracture, although she couldn't imagine what might have caused it, apart from what Julian had told her about the gym. It didn't look like a sports injury at all. Even though the bandage looked kind of primitive in contrast to the many technical devices that filled the infirmary, the fracture had been treated properly, with a splint straightening the injured arm making sure that the bones would grow together in the right way.
She slowly ran the dermal tissue generator over the injury, trying to do her best to heal the fracture. After some minutes the violet-tinged swelling lessened till it finally vanished completely. Julian would have to spare his arm for the next few days but the fracture was as good as undone. Wondering if she should go tell Sisko about it she sighed, recalling that he might still be battling with some bureaucrats of Velurin and therefore not very easy to contact without a combadge.
She considered calling for some medical assistant to take care of Julian, but looking down on his sleeping figure, she discarded the idea. When there was one thing he needed above all, it was rest. Whatever he might have done or wherever he might have gotten the injury, it had been too much for him, his body finally collapsing under the strain. So she decided to wait, trying to ignore the uneasiness that was growing within her with every elapsing minute.
O'Brien had been right. She scolded herself for not having handled the whole issue as seriously as she should have right from the beginning. It still was Julian's life, his health – physically as mentally – that was on stake here. Just seeing him safe and sound had made it easy for them, making them assume that nothing had changed after all this time they had been separated - but apparently something had. And now it was up to them to prevent further harm from being done.
Softly stroking the black strands of hair from his forehead, she felt resolute for the first time. They had to get him out of here. As soon as possible.
When he slowly opened his eyes, crude light spilled through the gap of his nearly-closed eyelids, making him groan and turn his head to the side. Shutting his eyes again against the unnatural brightness, he just wanted to go back into that all-surrounding darkness that had held and protected him for the past hours behind its veil of black silence.
He didn't know where he was or how he had gotten there. But it felt good. The constant, creeping pain had vanished and his body felt stronger than hours before. Only the dizziness in his mind hadn't settled completely, so he kept his eyelids shut, lingering in that twilight between dream and reality.
Until a gentle touch on his arm made him reluctantly open his eyes again.
It was the young woman from the cafeteria. Her long, black hair was framing a face that was drawn into a worried frown when she bent over him.
"How are you?" she asked softly. She picked up one of the diagnostic scanners, running it over him while she seemed to check his bioreadings on the chart above his the bed.
He felt weak and still longed for quiet and rest but found himself answering before he knew it. "Better."
A faint but genuine smile crossed her lips. She looked beautiful, her dark hair falling over her shoulders in an almost seducing way. She seemed honestly relieved to see that he had regained consciousness. Somehow she even seemed familiar to him. Like a fleeting daydream – untouchable and swift.
"I'm glad to hear that."
He tried to draw himself up, but in only the split of a second his vision was drowned in darkness again. With a soft groan, he let himself fall back onto the bed, reflexively covering his eyes and trying to clear his mind from the thick fog that made it so hard to think.
Something was odd, though.
It was a strange feeling, like a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. At first he wasn't sure what exactly was wrong. But then, staring in confusion at his right hand in front of his eyes, it slowly began to dawn on him - and the terrible realization hit him full force. He felt his world shatter around him.
"W-what... what happened to my arm?" he stammered wide-eyed in disbelief – and fear.
The woman quickly laid both hands on his shoulders, preventing him from getting up too quickly.
"Everything's okay, Julian. You're in the infirmary. You had a breakdown some hours ago. You've slept until now," she said softly, gently pushing him back onto the mattress to calm him.
Julian stared at her aghast. He felt a surge of panic. What had she done?
"I tended to your arm while you were asleep," she answered in response to his unspoken question.
Julian's thoughts began to spin. She had healed his arm. His arm wasn't broken any more. He hardly even blinked for the next few seconds, staring at her while his mind frantically worked to grasp the consequences of her actions. He felt all blood drain from his face. His heart started to hammer in his chest. It couldn't be… She hadn't…
"He'll think I tried to..." he whispered unsteadily under his breath.
Even before Jadzia had any chance to hold him back, Julian struggled to sit up, rolling to the opposite side of the bed and staggering to his feet. His body felt still weak, his knees so wobbly that for a dreadful moment he was afraid that his legs might just give way. He hastily braced himself on the bed.
"Julian? What's wrong?"
He didn't even notice her anxious call, so deeply was he filled with fear. Fear of what might happen if he found out. Fear of having to go through it all over again. Fear of the pain... fear of what was going to happen to him. He felt so sick at the sight of his healed arm that he desperately wished for everything to come undone.
He had to pay for it before it was too late. It mustn't be. He knew that he had made a terrible mistake.
His vision blurred, but he knew what he had to do.
o0o
"Julian? What's wrong? What are you doing? Julian!"
Whirling around the biobed, a startled and confused Jadzia tried to seize the young doctor's arm. Something was utterly wrong with him. She didn't know what had gotten into him but she knew that she had to stop him. He slipped from her grip, ignoring her anxious calls as set off behind him. Stumbling towards the metal rack near the door, he didn't react to any of her words. Some bad feeling already told her what he was up to.
"JULIAN! DON'T!"
She gripped his shoulder in time to desperately drag him back with all her strength, trying to get hold of his arms, but he flailed out wildly to free himself from her grip.
"Stop it, Julian! Please!" Dax shouted. It took her a great effort to keep him in check. Even though his body was still weak from exhaustion and he didn't dispose of his full strength, he vigorously pushed her away, fighting with a strength she didn't know where it so suddenly came from. It was only due to his weak condition that Dax finally managed to twist his arms behind his back, struggling to hold him in check while Julian desperately tried to wriggle free.
"Let me go!"
His voice was full of panic, his eyes wide and his breath chopped, as if he was struggling for his life. Before she knew he had managed to free his left arm, but when he spun around she slapped his face as hard as she could. He obviously was beyond reason. Her only thought was that she had to bring him back to it before he hurt himself seriously.
The slap made him stagger back, throwing his free arm up to cover his face. Perplexed, she hesitated just a short moment, but it was enough for Julian to dash forward.
"Julian! NO!" she yelled.
But it was too late.
Reaching the rack, with all his remaining strength and without hesitation, the young man hit his right arm against the edge of the metal strut. She could hear the sharp snap of bones that followed, and Julian's desperate cry of pain – and it made her stomach turn.
It took her a few seconds to overcome the shock of what Julian had just done to himself, to realize the fatality of it all. She neared him cautiously. Julian held his again broken arm with his good hand, his hunched shoulders shaking violently as he stood there without any further motion. She didn't even dare touch him in fear he would panic again.
"Julian?"
There was no doubt that he was in shock. He didn't even react. His head bent down and staring at his injured arm as if not being able to grasp what he had just done himself, he panted erratically for breath.
"Julian, I'll walk you over to the biobed, alright?" she tried with an unsteady voice, gently taking his trembling hand into hers. "It's alright now. Everything's going to be alright."
Without any further resistance he let her lead him back to the bed, though he didn't face her. His face was as pale as chalk and the heated fire in his eyes had suddenly died down, leaving only a blank shimmer of profound anguish when she made him sit down on the biobed.
Jadzia didn't know what had caused the young man's sudden panic attack but she was shocked to see what Julian had done to himself. She didn't know what had happened to him to make him react like he had, but she knew there was only one person who could tell her. She couldn't think of anything else. Not after having borne witness of what Julian had done – the young man she had thought to know. The young man she definitely had known until three months ago. But this wasn't their Julian any more.
"I'll go and find John. Don't run away, Julian. I just want to help you. Please, don't move till I'm back."
Looking into his cloudy eyes that were numbly staring at the ground, she doubted that he even was able to in his present condition.
"That's no longer necessary."
Startled, Dax whirled around just to meet the dark frown on John's face. He was standing motionless in the doorway. She hadn't even noticed him enter. Nevertheless he was there, now coming closer with a stern and reproachful look.
"I'll take care of him. Please leave the infirmary now. You've already done enough harm."
Without any further word he moved past the young Trill, waiting for her to leave. She had already opened her mouth in response, when her gaze dropped to Bashir who still didn't show the smallest hint of reaction. The painful twinge in her chest finally made her realize that it was no time to argue right now. She only nodded, and left the room with a last worried look back.
Jadzia Dax kept pacing up and down the corridor, wondering how much time had already gone by since the incident with Julian.
She had never seen him like this before.
As long as she could remember, she had seen Julian in various kinds of exhausted conditions, mostly because of his work and his too strong feeling of responsibility. Julian had the special gift to put his own needs back in favor of those who needed his help. How often had the young doctor misjudged his own strength and how often had one of his friends needed to point out to him that he was of no use to anyone if he collapsed from exhaustion.
Julian could bring himself to the edge of his strength, there was no doubt to that, but what she had seen back in the infirmary hadn't been a Dr. Bashir exhausted by work – taking into account that he had hardly as many patients here as he'd had on DS9. The Dr. Bashir she had faced had suffered. His entire body had been pushed to the verge of the possible and it had been more than astonishing that he had still been able to will himself to stand. The longer she thought about it, the more uncomfortable she grew.
She wasn't at all sure what to do now. Contacting Benjamin or O'Brien was almost impossible for Benjamin was surely still struggling with some officials of Velurin and therefore difficult to contact. And for the chief – he was still somewhere out in the area surrounding the city and wouldn't be back until the late evening. For some seconds she considered going straight back to the infirmary but she immediately dropped the idea. John's words might have hurt – but he had been right. More than one time. From the moment on they had arrived in Velurin their effort to get their friend back had had unpredictable, negative secondary effects. But what choice did they have? Whatever happened to Julian, they needed to find out the truth – the sooner the better. Dax was pretty sure that John knew where Julian's injury came from, no matter what he had told her about the accident in the gym.
Even though his injury had worried her before it was nothing compared to the worry she felt right now, having seen Bashir's reaction when he had realized that she had tended to his arm.
She couldn't think of any reason for his fear and panic. Julian was a rational person – or at least, most of the time. She could hardly think of what had prompted his reaction, though seeing him this haggard and irrational made her stomach turn. That hadn't been Julian. At least not the Julian she had known. The young man she had spent most of the past four years with.
The Julian back in the infirmary had been frightened, distraught. He hadn't reacted to any of her words, no matter if spoken in worry or command. It made her feel restless. No matter what had caused his panic attack, Julian obviously had considered the pain of a broken arm the lesser evil compared to whatever he had been so utterly afraid of. No, she could no longer leave him in such danger. She had to act. Even if she didn't know what exactly to do, she knew that she had to do something. Now.
Hastily she turned and headed back to the infirmary.
When she entered the room, she wasn't too surprised to find it empty. Neither John nor Julian were anywhere in sight. She couldn't blame them. It might very well be that they were trying to avoid having to face her again. But where mighty they have gone? In Julian's present condition the young man needed one thing above all: rest. So that just left John's quarters or Julian's.
She decided on the latter. A short stop at the central information later, she came to a halt in front of Julian's quarters. The corridor was quiet and deserted, and the only thing she heard was the rushing blood in her ears. Impatiently she tapped the chime but it was not until she'd activated it a third time that the door finally opened. She drew a deep breath and – with a quick look to the left and right – stepped over the threshold.
"I thought you would come..."
John sat, with his hands calmly clasped in front of him, on the couch, not facing her. His voice was barely more than a whisper, though to her surprise it didn't hold any anger, nor reproach. It was the utter calmness in his tone that was even worse as if he had outright shouted at her.
"Please, have a seat."
Reluctantly, she moved closer. "Where's Julian? Is he alright?"
"He's asleep… but he's fine, considering the circumstances."
Dax sat down on one of the few chairs that were arranged around the dining table next to the couch. She wanted to ask him so much more but the words were suddenly stuck in her throat. Swallowing hard, her eyes strayed to the door that most probably led to the bedroom and she felt her heart contract painfully. After a long moment, she finally spoke.
"John, what's going on here?" she whispered, for everything louder than a whisper seemed inappropriate in the heavy silence that was filling the room. "I know, you won't tell us because you're afraid that Julian would have to suffer the consequences. But… what happened to Julian in the infirmary? That wasn't the young man I once knew. I don't recognize my friend any more. I thought I knew him, but now I'm not sure any more. What happened in the infirmary – that wasn't him." She paused, and drew a deep breath. "Please. You're the only one we can rely on. What happened to Julian? Why did he change so much?"
John stared expressionlessly to the floor – but finally he met her gaze.
"You mustn't have interfered. I've already told you that Julian would be the first to suffer. But you just wouldn't listen to me," he snorted in contempt, a sudden strange glint in his eyes. Was it anger? Or hurt? She wasn't sure.
Dax nodded. "I know that now. But why wouldn't he let me treat his broken arm? He told me the dermal generator was broken, though it seemed okay when I used it. Why would he just stick with having his injury treated in that old-fashioned way of a split and bandage?"
"Because this is a different place than where you come from." John didn't meet her eyes.
Dax frowned. "Different?"
"This place is not the kind of paradise you imagine it to be. To be true, it's hell and worse. At least for everybody who knows."
"Who knows what?"
John dismissively shook his head. "Never mind. I just wanted to say that Velurin isn't quite the lovely little town you tourists believe it to be…"
Dax' eyes narrowed. "So why are you still here?"
The engineer chuckled humorlessly. "Why? That's a good question with a simple answer: Because I'm forced to. Do you really think I'd voluntarily stay at a place that is hell for me? I don't have any other choice – and neither does Julian."
Some strange feeling in her stomach warned her to be careful when she said: "Why don't you let us help you? We can take you with us, away from here. All you need to do is tell us what is happening here. John, we came to bring Julian home. He's been missing for three months but we haven't given up hope to find him again. Living. And now we're here. Do you really think we would want to put him in danger? He doesn't belong here. You tell me that something – or someone – is forcing him to stay, but we don't even know what – or who this person – could be."
"Believe me, Jadzia, you don't want to find out," John retorted bitterly, only eliciting another confused look from the young Trill.
"I believe you when you say that you just want the best for Julian and I really would help you if there were the smallest chance of getting him away from here. But as things are you should get away before you attract any attention yourself. Do you know that even by speaking to you I put myself into danger?"
Dax shook her head, frustrated. "Then why don't you tell me? I can't share your fear as long as I don't know what is going on here."
John sighed in resignation. He was obviously no less frustrated about no getting through to her. But finally he stood, running a nervous hand through his hair. His jaw set as he stared absently ahead – until he finally turned toward her. "Very well then. I'll show you. Please don't ask me to tell you. If you really want to see it, I'll show you."
"You mean, something concerning Julian?"
There was a strange shimmer of sadness and pain in his eyes. "Take your captain with you, or the other man. After I've shown you, you'll understand. But you have to promise that you won't bother Julian any more. That's my only condition. Perhaps you'll understand if you see it with your own eyes, perhaps you will then listen to my words. I don't want you to forget that Julian is my friend. I'm not holding you back because I don't want him to go, because I'm so selfish as not to let him have his old life back. I'm doing this because he's my friend – and because I want him to be safe. After you've seen the truth, you'll leave him alone because there won't be anything you can do to help him. That's all I ask of you."
Not sure what John's words really meant, Dax nodded reluctantly. "Alright."
"I'll tell you the exact time and place when we'll meet again. It might take some time – two or three days... I'll send you a massage. But until then..." he stared at her with calm resolution as he let the rest of the sentence taper off.
"...we won't bother you or Julian anymore," Dax went on, holding the young man's gaze. Then she slowly rose to her feet, smoothing her dress as she cast another short look toward the bedroom door. She didn't want to leave. Not without knowing if Julian was alright. But she also knew that she couldn't push her luck. Having John agree to showing her Julian's secret was even more than she had hoped to accomplish. Without another word she left the room.
It was not until the door closed behind her back that she let herself drop against the wall, releasing the breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. She could barely believe it. She still wasn't sure what had John made open up to her in the end. But somehow she couldn't shake the feeling that the incident with Julian in the infirmary had just been the beginning. And she was anything but sure if she was prepared for what was lying ahead of them.
She closed her eyes for a short moment. Then she straightened and hurried along the long hallway toward the main center of the complex. She needed to find and tell Benjamin.