The Wizard of La
I would also like to apologize for subjecting you to my strange rantings that I had posted. You all still love me, right? Ha. Anyway, I originally had a different plan for the cowardly lion, but changed it because there is a lot of irony in what I picked. You'll see.
Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel. If I did, I'm sure several of the staffers would be having a heart attack from what I'm doing to their carefully developed characters.
Chapter Seven – Lions, Sheep, and…WTF?
The yellow brick road lead the three companions into a deep, thick swamp. "Least dis is Remy's style!" He said, smiling, feeling more comfortable with his surroundings.
"I don't like this swamp, it's too dark!" Creed said, holding onto Scott's arm fearfully. "D-d-do you think we'll meet any wild animals?"
"Only da ones dat hunt bastards dat like t'sing an' skip. So if y'keep y'traps shut, maybe you'll live, non?" Remy said. The two immediately became silent, until Scott walked up next to Remy.
He cowered and whispered. "Any animals that eat straw?"
"Oui." Remy replied. "Maybe some goats, sheep, scary t'ings like dat." Scott shrunk back and clung to Creed. "BAAAAA!" Remy did an impersonation of a sheep loudly, making Scott yelp. "Dat's Remy sheep call. If y'stay quiet, maybe da sheep stay away?" Remy silently laughed as he looked forward, amusing himself with the thought of Scott Summers, leader of the X-Men, screaming as he is eaten by sheep.
"You wouldn't!" Creed said. "That would be wrong! And mean!"
Remy shrugged. "Remy don' t'ink y'understand how much he hates da two of ya. Pity, when dey find Scott's clot'es an' some wool. Self-explanatory."
"Please don't send the sheep after me!" Scott said, begging. "I'll never sing again!"
"Whatever." Remy finally said, growing annoyed. "Lions, an' Rust monkeys, an', Sheep!"
"Rust monkeys?" Creed said. "What's that?"
"An animal that eats by making tin men rust!" Remy said, enthusiastically, proud of his lie, enjoying the lack of jovial singing. "Rust monkeys are da reason y'never see ot'er tin men around, Creed." Creed gulped and looked around, nervously.
Remy froze when he heard a noise. Positioning himself to charge both of his companions, he peeked around the edge of a tree to see a lion. Remy held onto them as the lion approached.
"Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Which one of you first? I'll fight you all together if you want! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight you standing on one foot!"
Remy smirked again. "Non, Remy blow you sky high an' y'shut da fuck up. Eh?" He charged Scott and threw him toward the lion, barely holding onto the scarecrow's shirt to prevent him from exploding. The lions leapt back and hid behind the tree as Remy withdrew the charge.
"Hey!" Scott said. "You were going to blow me up?"
"Oui." Remy said. "If y'got a problem wit dat, Remy can do his wild sheep call. He heard swamp sheep are da worst!"
"Pay attention to me! I am scary!" The lion growled. "I am Logan of the swamp!" He growled and slashed his feline claws at a tree. "He obeys the king of the swamp!"
"Remy had a kitty like y'once. Kept pissin' on da sofa." He said, smiling. "Who dis king?"
Logan motioned for them to follow him through the marshy swamp to big willow tree, where branches had been laid out to form a bed for the 'king,' a small black kitten.
Mew! Mew! Mew!
Logan fell to his knees. "Yes, my King! Please do not be angry!" He reached out to pet the kitten, who hissed and bit one of Logan's furry fingers. "Anything but this rejection, my king!"
"Remy had enough o'dis. You, pussycat, are a coward. And dis kitty is harmless. Remy know just how t'fix dis attitude." He picked the angry kitten up by the nape of it's neck and then looked at it, scratching it's chin with his free hand. Then he stuck it to Scott's chest, where it happily popped it's claws.
"Owww! Owww!" Scott cried out as the kitten purred and flexed it's claws into his chest. "Mean kitty! Sadistic kitty! Ow!"
Remy finally took the kitten off of Scott and put it on one of the large pockets of his jacket, hearing it purr as it curled up comfortably. "Now, weren't y'threatenin' t'beat Remy up? 'Fore Remy tamed y'master?" Logan stepped back, and Remy decided that, after years, this was probably the only time he could get away with it without feeling a little Adamantium vengeance, so he socked Logan in the nose. "Dats f'bein…mean to Remy!" He shouted at the frightened lion, who held it's nose.
Logan winced. "You didn't have to go and hit me, did you? Is my nose bleeding?"
"Non, y'just bein' a drama queen. Remy knows tougher femmes. Remy dated tougher femmes. Maybe a mistake, eh?" He trailed off as his two companions began to commiserate with the obviously depressed Logan. "Point is, y'just a coward. A big, furry coward."
"You're right." Logan growled and crossed his arms, near tears. "I am just a coward. I don't got any courage at all! I even scare myself!"
Remy smiled and put his arm around the lion. "Y'scare Remy most of da time wit all dat hair everywhere." He tore some of the fabric from Scott dress and tied it into a bow on top of Logan's head. "Remy suddenly likin' dis."
The lion didn't seem to care and began to sob. "I haven't slept in weeks!"
"Have you tried counting sheep?" Creed asked, his voice weighted by concern, which just made Remy smiled wider. Those two being nice? That's the craziest thing he'd seen yet.
"I can't, I'm even scared of them!" Logan growled back.
"Me too!" Scott said, "I'm afraid they'll eat me!" Stunned by this revelation, Logan stiffened and looked around.
"Eat you?" He cowered down.
"Yeah, Remy says swamp sheep are brutal!" Scott suddenly found his new friend in his arms. That was all Remy could take – Scott holding Logan. He started laughing and didn't stop for several minutes. Then, he did his 'sheep call,' and watched with further amusement as his three companions ran as fast as they could away, holding hands. Scott and Logan holding hands, Logan and Creed holding hands. He followed them slowly and pulled open his pocket.
"Wit morons like dis, Remy ain' surprised y'took advantage of 'em." He wiggled his finger and rubbed the kitten, making it purr again.