The Wizard of La

I changed Chapter Seven from my inappropriate rant to an actual chapter.

Read Chapter 7!

Chapter Eight – Useless Banter

Remy finally caught up with his friends at the edge of the swamp and told them they were going to take a rest.

Scott, Logan, and Creed chattered like a trio of prepubescent girls while Remy stared blankly off into space, wondering how it is he ended up here. His gaze was broken by the rhythmic twitching of Logan's tail; Remy suddenly got an idea and smiled evilly, pulling the sleeping kitten out of his pocket and putting it near Logan's tail. It immediately became entranced by it and Remy waited for the moment.

"You could come with us! We could be a team!" Scott said, smiling. "I could be the leader, and we could call ourselves The S-Men, for Straw. Get it? Straw men?"

"Uhh…" Creed anxiously began playing with his ax, suddenly feeling the need to sink it into his buddy. "How about this? We don't and I put my ax down. I just want to see the wizard, so I can get a heart. And sing a little. I love singin'!"

"Do you think he could give me some courage?" Logan asked, earnestly.

"Why not, mon ami? Remy said. "If he can give Creed a heart, an' Scottie a brain, anyt'ing is possible!" Remy smiled as the kitten pounced on Logan's tail, clawing into it and biting down with a sharp, but tiny Riiiaaaawwww!

"AHH!" Logan jumped to his feet and climbed up into the lowest branch of the tree. "Anything but that, Master! Please!"

The kitten saw the tail dangling down and obsessively stared at it, his tiny little eyes moving with Logan's tail. The kitten licked it's lips and jumped onto Scott's back, crawling up it with his tiny little claws.

"Ahh! Stop! You're hurting me!" Scott stood up and attempted to get the cat off his back, spinning around, but unable to touch him with his stiff, straw arms. "I am Scott, not Scratching Post!" The kitten batted at a stray piece of straw and then pulled it out with his teeth, gnawing on it as Scott screamed in agony.

"Should we feel pity?" Creed asked, sitting still as the spectacle continued.

"Oui."

"I have no heart, what's your excuse?" He said.

"It's too amusin'." He put his hands behind his head and shouted to Scott. "Just stand by pussycat's tail, mon ami." Scott did so, still screaming like a woman, and was relieved when the kitten leapt at Logan's tail, causing him to shriek in agony as the kitten held onto it.

"Master!" Logan cried. "Please!"

Remy sighed and stood up, reclaiming the cat. "Rest time over." He held the kitten under one arm as they set back down the road. "So, y'comin' wit us, Wolfie? Dats y'name now, an' Remy'll send Master afta y'if y'don' use it!"

"Yes!" Logan said. "My name is Wolfie!"

"And y'like da color pink!" Remy added.

"And I LOVE the color pink!" Logan repeated.

"And…" Remy paused. "Unicorns!"

"Unicorns are scary!" Logan said, then caught Remy's angry eyes. "…But I LOVE them!"

Remy shook his head in disapproval "Y'hopeless."

Too scared to defend himself, Logan decided to explain his feelings in song. Big mistake!

Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Master

When you're born a cowardly bastard

Without the vim and verve.

But I could show my prowess --

Be a lion not a mouse --

If I only had the nerve

I'm afraid there's no denyin'

I'm just a dandelion

A fate I don't deserve.

I'd be brave as a blizzard

Remy growled and charged the bow he'd pit in Logan's hair, causing it to combust, scaring Logan nearly to death! Nearly. Instead, Logan the cowardly lion wet himself and began to cry. "Y' gonna be dead if y'don' shut da hell up."

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Next Chapter: Poppies, The Wicked Witch, and a little Nudity.

WolvGambit Le Diable Blanc – I'm glad you're enjoying it.

BJ – Insanity rocks. Random insanity is even better.

BlkDiamond –Flashing is funny. You know what's fun? Streaking. I've decided Remy needs to go streaking later in the story.

Fauna Greywolf – Nope. I had planned on making him one, but I couldn't resist the Creed/Logan bonding I could stick in with him as the lion.

BlkDiamond – I think I have it cleared up. Hopefully.

Nicole Wagner – Muscular legs in a dress look good, no matter the gender. The creepy thing is when men wear tight skirts that bulge in the groin area.

afreddiefan – America rocks my socks. Hard. Xavier as the wicked witch just lets me make more jokes. The inspiration for it came from that episode of the American Dad where Patrick Stewart rides the guy. Hilarity.

Puppybaddog – It's not a good Remy story without bringing in his belligerent adopted family. It's pretty much a requirement. Organized crime and naked women are must-haves for any Remy story.

draelynn – I'm actually pretty crazy without the drugs. But Vicodin, basically. The off-brand hydrocodone crap because Walgreens is cheap or something. I'm not sure. Nice stuff though.

addtothenoise – INS is such a joke. I swear they pick up all the kids that graduate from special ed and give them cushy government jobs working immigration. Good for the kids, bad for me.

Tokyo Fox – I'm going to bring Jubes back later in the story. Because she's cute and perfect for a story like this.

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