- Chapter 4 -
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Nervously, he paced to and fro, sporadically casting a swift glance toward the dark iron door. He was too busy with his own thoughts to care much about the unpleasant cold, the stale air and its stifling frowzy scent that made every breath an exhausting effort.
It was ridiculous. Absurd at best.
Telac had told him about his plan to destroy the celestial temple and also that he needed Bashir's help to do so. But why him? Telac knew that he couldn't possibly expect to destroy the wormhole with a single bomb. He had worked long on the construction of his layer destruction bomb and in spite of himself, Julian had to acknowledge that Telac had done a good job. Apart from the fact that his plan was utterly absurd.
Telac had tried to explain it to him. He had tried to convince Julian of the righteousness of his actions, though no one who still had his mind in the right place would have ever listened to his words.
Julian had already made up his mind. If there was anything he felt obliged to, it was the fact that he had to stop this maniac. But how was he expected to prevent Telac from finishing his bomb? From irrevocably determining the Alpha Quadrant's as well as the Gamma Quadrant's future? There was no one who knew about his whereabouts or that he had crashed down on that far away planet, and he seriously doubted that anyone would come for his rescue in the foreseeable future. No, he wouldn't get any help from Starfleet so he was on his own.
He was still thinking frantically about his limited options, when a scratching, unpleasant sound suddenly made him spin around. Dazzled by the sudden light, he winced, lifting an arm to cover his eyes that had been in the dark too long to adjust quickly enough.
He wasn't at all sure what was happening. They probably brought him food; his stomach hadn't had anything ever since the shuttle crash two days ago. In fact, he hadn't had much contact with his captors at all. He couldn't even remember what had happened after the crash. The last thing he could dimly recall was the planet's surface coming ever closer as he was frantically trying to regain control of his shuttle. And then everything went black. He had woken in the exact cell he was now standing in, frightened and confused for he hadn't known where he was, nor why he had been brought here. The first time he had actually seen somebody had been only a few hours ago.
However, no matter how much he was longing for food, he pushed his grumbling stomach from his mind, concentrating on what was happening right now.
"Telac wants to talk to you."
Two men entered the dark cell, casting long square shadows on the floor where the artificial light from the corridor spilled in. He couldn't see them, though he was sure he knew their voices. One of them had escorted him the first time he had been led out of darkness…
"What does he want now?" Bashir retorted nonchalantly, trying not to let his anxiety show.
He didn't get any response.
The two tall men just grabbed him by his upper arms and dragged him out of the cell, walking him through an endless number of narrow hallways. In front of a thick iron door, they came to a halt.
"He's waiting in there. If you please."
Slightly unsure, Julian turned around to face the men before he reluctantly opened the thick iron door before him. The room beyond was dimly-lit and having entered completely, he heard the door shut behind him with an ill-boding low thud. Cautiously, he cast a look around and felt his heartbeat quicken when he realized that the bad feeling in his stomach had proven to be true. He had already been expecting it. Heavy iron brackets were attached to one wall, the only furniture, apart from some racks, a sparse metal table in the middle of the room, its body straps clearly indicating its use...
Julian felt his stomach turn, though he tried to clamp down on his nervousness the best he could. He had been in much worse situations after all...
"Ah, my dear Dr. Bashir. Nice to see you again!"
Startled by the unexpected closeness of the voice, the young man spun. Telac was standing a few feet to his left, hands clasped behind his back, and offering a broad smile on a perfectly shaped face. Too perfectly.
"What do you want from me, Telac? I won't help you with your plan. I already told you as much."
The older man shook his head. "I know... I know. But perhaps you've changed your mind by now?"
Julian knew very well that his words were meant as a threat.
"Forget it, Telac. I will not help you blow up the wormhole, no matter how much you want me to agree with your aims."
"Oh doctor, please, I thought we already had that discussion. You see, I need you. I can't accept 'no' as an answer. I brought you here. You're an essential part of my plan, so you would do us both a favor if you didn't make it so difficult."
Bashir hardly breathed. "You know that it's maniacal and ridiculous! You don't really expect me to help you, do you?"
"Its people like you who don't understand. People from across that passage; filthy, barbarous people trying to hog as much as they can," the older man suddenly spat out. "You're no better. The only thing I want is to restore peace. And you would agree if you had enough common sense."
When Bashir didn't answer, Telac's smile suddenly reappeared, widening with every second he watched the young Starfleet lieutenant. "Please, believe me, doctor, you'll change your mind."
Feeling a firm grip around both of his upper arms, Julian's heart skipped several beats at once. For a short second, he thought of overwhelming the guards and attacking Telac. It took only that long for him to play it all through in his mind. But the truth was, he was outnumbered. He didn't stand a ghost of a chance of overcoming them. Even if he offered resistance now, he wouldn't make it far. He would probably just make things worse...
"I'm Starfleet. Consider that. They'll send a rescue team."
The elder man grinned, revealing a line of perfectly white teeth. "Well, just start to count the days until then, Julian, but keep in mind that you might keep me company longer than you can imagine now."
Julian didn't know what Telac was alluding to and he didn't have any time to keep dwelling on it; he suddenly felt himself being pushed against the moist stone wall in his back, the heavy iron brackets snapping in tightly around his wrists. Trying to concentrate, he pushed back his fear back. No matter what Telac did to him, he wouldn't help him in his plans. He would never ever let himself be used in his warped scheme.
He had always known that one day it would happen. He had been trained during his career; he had been trained to psychologically and physically withstand torture, but still he just couldn't shut out the fear. Telac was unpredictable. He knew that ever since the very first time he had met him. Julian prayed to every god he could think of that Starfleet would notice his disappearance soon. And find me... If the distress signal had made it through the interferences of the planet's stratosphere, DS9 would know that he hadn't come down to Felan III because he had wanted to.
Julian just couldn't imagine why a world like Felan III would fire upon a Starfleet shuttle. They must have known that it was Starfleet. He had even tried to send a distress signal to the central authority of Felan III when the interplanetary defense system had suddenly opened fire on him while he was passing the planet's gravitation belt. At least he had thought so. After his encounter with Telac, though, he was anything but sure that the attack had been an accident. So, strictly speaking, he had been kidnapped. And now he was trapped. Trapped by an apparently insane scientist who wanted to abuse him for his maniacal plans...
He just prayed they would find him soon. It was the only thing he could think of. He just needed to hold out until then.
Bracing himself against what was to come, Julian watched Telac step in front of him; saw that evil, sadistic smile on his too perfectly shaped face, his dark eyes sparkling with a joy that Julian couldn't help loathing – and all at once, without warning, his world was gone, what was left behind nothing but an all-surrounding, stabbing, blinding darkness; so merciless that it came as a violent blow, taking all his breath at once.
The first thing slowly seeping into his consciousness again were his own cries, echoing back from the dark cellar walls.
Julian had yelled until his voice had cracked – but it had done little to stop the pain from shooting through his jerking body. He had been completely at Telac's mercy. Every muscle, every fiber of his body had felt on fire, driving him to the edge of consciousness. But even though he'd been inches away from blacking out, the hot agony had never ceased. Julian couldn't imagine a pain akin to it. Never before had he felt so vulnerable. Never before had he felt so naked and unprotected, so utterly defenseless. Screaming, he had tried to free himself, tearing desperately at the iron brackets, making them cut into his wrists even deeper.
His body had collapsed even before his mind had, his legs giving way and leaving his trembling body hanging by the brackets around his wrists. Panting heavily for breath, with his chest still on fire, Julian desperately tried to fight the urge to throw up, his stomach a complete mess. Choking and gasping irregularly for breath, he forced his mind further toward consciousness.
"Julian, my boy, I thought you were a bit tougher..."
Bashir was too exhausted to react to Telac's disrespect. Still shaking with pain – and rage, he realized –, he desperately wished for Telac to ask him again; ask him to help, so that Julian could turn his offer down again, showing him that no physical pain would make him betray his beliefs.
But the question never came.
Instead a sudden slap across the face sent his head flying violently to the side.
"I expect more discipline, Julian."
Bashir gritted his teeth, though his body was too weak to bring forth a single word.
"You can believe me, Julian, after a few days I'll have you crawling on the floor, begging for forgiveness."
He didn't even have time to catch his breath and brace himself against what was coming next. The fire shot up again, plunging him back into the rough sea of agony. Julian cried out until his voice was gone and finally – after what seemed like an excruciating eternity – the black veil of unconsciousness enclosed around his agonizing mind.
It was dark when he woke, the only light cast in by the dull electrical lighting filtering through a small vent below the ceiling. The ground was again damp and cold, though some indefinite feeling told him that this room was different from the previous one. He couldn't bring up enough strength to really bother much about it, though.
He didn't know what time it was or how much time had already passed since his painful encounter with Telac. Cautiously he tried to move, wincing at the fresh pain that flared through his chest when he made the smallest motion. With a silent groan he gasped for air.
He was lying turned over on his belly, his right arm numbly buried somewhere under his body, his face pressed against the damp ground. He was cold – but he could do absolutely nothing about it. Even trying to think was an effort he was barely able to make, his mind a dizzy whirl of chaos.
He was in shock – that much he knew. In shock due to the torture, due to what they had done to him…
But the awareness brought no relief. Instead his thoughts involuntarily whirled back to what Telac had said; that Julian was going to spend more time in his company than he imagined. He felt his stomach turn at the thought.
Bashir didn't dare imagine what would happen if Starfleet wasn't able to track him down. Feeling his heart beating faster at the mere thought of it, he tried to calm himself. What if they didn't find him? He had sworn to himself that he would never help Telac's plans, but how long would he be able to keep his resoluteness?
You can believe me, Julian, after a few days I'll have you crawling on the floor, begging for forgiveness.
Thinking back on what Telac had said – what the man had actually done to him – he felt panic threatening to overwhelm him. A few days? He already felt at the tether of his strength, his body sick with never fading pain, his mind telling him that this was one of those worse situations . . .
Banishing every thought out, he closed his eyes. He just longed for rest. He didn't know what Telac had done to him, though he could still feel the pain in every aching muscle. The only thing he wanted was to sleep – long and fast – and perhaps never wake up again.
But then something was moving. Somewhere in front of him.
He couldn't see what it was. He just felt it – felt being watched. Willing himself further back toward wakefulness, he instinctively raised his head. A wave nausea made him stop. For a dreadful moment he desperately fought the urge to throw up until the white stars slowly started to fade from his vision. Then he gritted his teeth and pushed his chin a little higher. It only took him a few seconds to discern the semi-dark figure in the distance.
A girl, presumably not much older than ten. She sat in one corner of the cell, watching him with wide eyes, her once-bright white dress dirty and torn and her long tousled hair welling over her bare shoulders. She only sat there, saying nothing.
Ignoring the stabbing pain, Julian managed to roll over onto his side, choking a desperate cry at the hot agony that shot through his body at the movement. Letting his head drop weakly back to the ground, he took a deep breath before he finally turned to her again.
"...ello..." he gently tried, his voice croaky and broken and barely recognizable as such.
"I'm... Julian. And... you?"
The girl didn't answer. She just kept watching him out of dark, sad eyes. He had no way of telling if she was well, her strangely apathetic demeanor worrying him even more than his own poor physical condition. After all, she was still a child, suffering much more under the present circumstances than an adult would. If he only had a tricorder to tell if she was okay...
He discarded the thought the very moment it occurred to him. In his present shape, Julian was of no use to anybody. He wasn't even able to help himself. There was nothing he could do for her right now, he bitterly realized. But still – at least he could try...
Having something to occupy his mind, he could at least forget about his own miserable condition for the time being. There was someone who needed his help. It was then that the doctor in him took over.
"You don't have... to be afraid. I... won't hurt you."
If he could only bring the child to answer. He needed to get her to talk to him. If he only didn't feel so utterly tired himself... Feeling another surge of nausea, he desperately fought back the urge to retch. Although his mind was a bit clearer by now, his body was still in shock.
"What's your... name?"
No response.
"Has Telac brought you here?"
She watched him warily, both arms folded around her drawn up knees. Her dark eyes never left him, though it was the only reaction she ever showed. She wouldn't answer.
Coughing against the dryness in his throat, Julian let out a long breath, realizing that he didn't have enough strength for both of them, no matter how much he wanted to help her. Every single word sent a sharp pain through his wounded throat, making him finally close his eyes again, unable to fight back his exhaustion any longer.
Julian didn't know what had happened to the young girl or what she had gone through already, why Telac would lock her in a dark cell some hundred meters down below the surface. He seriously doubted that the girl was a danger to anyone though he also knew that she wasn't here without reason either…
But for the time being he couldn't help her. It hurt his heart not being able to help a patient but he just couldn't. Not in his present condition anyway. Perhaps if he got stronger, if he recovered from whatever Telac had done to him, perhaps then would he be able to help her. But not now, when he wasn't even capable of forming more than the simplest train of thoughts himself.
He tried to go back to sleep, to let himself slide into the darkness of unconsciousness where there was no pain, no hopelessness. Feeling his heartbeat quicken at the mere thought that things weren't over yet; that he would have to go back, that pain would find him again, he fought back his panic. He would make it. He had been in worse situations after all… Calming his breath, he desperately tried to keep his mind from any further thinking.
But sleep just wouldn't come.
She never spoke to him. Not on the next day, nor on any of the following.
It was during the short hours of wakefulness that he saw her sitting there, huddled up in the dark corner, her eyes clear but without any reaction, watching him lie on the damp cell floor as he used every second Telac granted him to recapture the slightest shred of strength.
He wasn't even sure how much time had already passed since his capture but the long hours of darkness – and those loathsome and merciless hours full of half-consciousness and pain – seemed endless to him.
He tried to remain unwavering. The time he spent in Telac's power was hell on earth. He had never imagined that anybody could endure so much pain without losing his or her sanity. It felt as if every single muscle, every single fiber of his body had been dragged out by force, as if he had been burned alive. He had been put on the verge of self-control. More than one time. And he surely would be again.
Julian had lost his voice a long time ago. He had cried so much that there was nothing left of it. No comfort anymore. Not being able to cry out against the paralyzing agony had only made things worse...
He couldn't fool himself any longer, he was nearing the tether of his strength – and an end of the torture was not in sight. But still Julian was clutching at a straw. He couldn't give up. Not yet. There was still hope. They would find him, he knew it. Sisko would find him...
Julian desperately clung to that smidgen of hope, every time his mind lost itself in the misty twilight of hopelessness. He had already gone through so much. So many dangers. Someone had to find him. This just couldn't be the end.
He just wished himself away. Far, far away. He felt so naked and unprotected, at the mercy of a maniac who felt not the slightest qualm about using Julian for his insane plans. And there was no one to help him. No one to comfort him, telling him that everything was going to be all right. No one to soothe him, no one promising him that he wasn't resisting in vain, that pain would finally find an end; that submitting himself to still more torture was not senseless, that he would be found. That he would be able to go home...
He missed home. He missed it so much. Every time he had to face Telac and saw his evil, sadistic grin, he felt so vulnerable, so defenseless, so … worthless.
The only thing he wanted right now was to go home. Warmth and security – it almost sounded like foreign words to him, their meaning lost in a murky world of a never-ending nightmare. The stale and cool air was so sharp that he was never able to keep his body from shaking. If there was just somebody telling him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't completely at the mercy of some unpredictable and insane scientist, able to do anything he liked to him without Julian being able to stop him …
And it was in those moments of dark hopelessness that his resolve was yielding, wavering ever so slightly, becoming more and more eroded by doubt and fear, despair and pain.
But still. He mustn't doubt his rescue. They would find him. They had to.
But what if not?
He had almost given up. He was only inches away.
After a few more encounters with Telac, Julian's inner resistance was finally worn down to the ground and he just didn't dispose of the strength to build it up anew. Not with the bleak and pitiful future that was waiting for him in Telac's hands.
He didn't want it, though. He didn't want to devote himself to something that he knew – knew with all his heart – that it was wrong. But he just couldn't go on like this any longer. He was at the end. There was nothing he could do. He barely felt his body any longer, every breath a painful effort. No matter what he had been taught at the Academy, he had tried to resist Telac.
He really had tried to.
He was even ready to die. He would rather die than help Telac's plans. But he also knew that Telac wouldn't let him. Julian didn't know how but Telac would force him to live on – and that thought even pulled him further down into the overwhelming floods of despair.
I hate to break it to you, Julian, but neither your captain nor Starfleet will come for your rescue … They've forsaken you … Look at yourself, you're a miserable sight, sobbing and crying when the pressure becomes too much… It's a wonder you were ever admitted in your Starfleet…Do you really think anybody bothers about your disappearance?… I'll have you give me the data I need, Julian, I promise … Get him up! …
Lying in a fetal position curled up on one side, he could feel the damp cold slowly creeping through his uniform. His throat was still sore with the sharp acid that had forced its way up from his stomach. Slumped against the stone wall and vomiting, he was conscious enough to somehow will himself into an upright position so he would not choke on his own spew. He couldn't remember what had happened, another piece missing in his already incomplete memory. Right now he just felt the uneven, damp ground beneath, the cold only managing to increase his subtle shivering.
He felt so sick, so nauseated … so humiliated.
Only a few more encounters with Telac and he would break. He knew it. If not his mind, his body would break under the enormous physical pressure. Julian vaguely imagined that if anybody handed him a tricorder right now, he would jump at his own vital signs. Both his blood pressure and his pulse were far below normal, his respiration too uneven and shallow. He didn't know how much more he would be able to endure, though he knew for sure that under the present circumstances he would soon not only lose consciousness but also his life.
Refusing to open his eyes, he didn't want to ever wake up again. If he did, reality would just catch up with him and right now he didn't want to face whatever would be waiting for him there – to face Telac, his torture, and his poisonous words telling him how worthless and miserable a human being he was. Julian knew that it was just another way of psychological torture – but the words hurt all the same - more profoundly than Telac probably knew. Julian was so utterly ashamed of his own weakness, so ashamed of showing Telac what he wanted to see. Recalling himself collapsing in front of his torturer, not being able to stop crying in front of the elder man, Julian felt so utterly ashamed that he desperately wished to die in that very place. Telac was right, he didn't deserve being in Starfleet. Not as the miserable human being he was.
Trying desperately to shut everything out, to pull back into that world of sleep and half-consciousness he never had woken from entirely, he also felt that something was different. Almost against his will, his meandering thoughts were pulled back into reality by this new but strong sensation. He couldn't place the feeling at first. He tried to concentrate on it and felt a pleasant warmth in his chest; a feeling so unlikely, so different from the cold that was always surrounding him. He hadn't noticed at first, too absorbed in his own misery, his mind too far gone, lost in some distant void and only slowly coming back to full consciousness. Almost in spite of himself, he felt himself relax ever so slightly…
Reluctantly opening his eyes, the first thing that came into his view was the young girl's disheveled, fair hair. It took his still sleepy mind some seconds to make sense of it, though, before he carefully lifted his head a few inches.
She must have snuggled up to him while he had been asleep... He couldn't see if she was awake or still sleeping but her breaths came even and deep so he decided that she must still be asleep. She had her back against his chest, hugging herself with her arms. For a moment he thought she might be cold but then her sleep was too peaceful and quiet.
Perplexed, he couldn't take his eyes off her hair. Carefully and without thinking, he lifted his free arm and gently wrapped it protectively around her, not sure what had finally made her trust him, though deep within his heart he was glad she had.
Hugging her softly, he let his head drop back to the ground, fighting his own sleepiness, too astounded about what had just happened. Perhaps it was not too late. Perhaps he would be able to help her. She apparently trusted him, even though she couldn't have known that he was any better than her captors. He didn't know what had prompted her sudden behavior but it didn't really matter. He just knew one thing for sure: he would protect her. From Telac, from the administrative authority of Felan III and from the rest of the world if necessary.
Some small in voice in his head was nagging at him to accept the hopelessness, to give up here and now. But he fought it back, concentrating on the only thing strong enough to hold him in life as he affectionately passed one hand over the young girl's inert face.
Feeling her small, warm body snuggled up against his, Julian knew that the world was reserving pain not only for him. He couldn't be sure if the young girl had suffered the same things as he had, he didn't know if anybody had hurt her, or why she was so desperate as to try and trust the only person left in her young life. But one thing about her action was startling him above all: She had made a leap of faith. She hadn't known him, his pitiful condition must have even startled her, but still – she had made a leap of faith, knowing that she needed someone to comfort her, to give her affection. That it was the last chance for her to persevere.
Hugging her ever so softly, Julian felt pent-up tears burn behind his eyes.
It was in that very moment that he realized that he had almost given up. He had been so close to it, a step away from the bottomless abyss stretching out before his feet, Telac pushing him forward, ever forward.
But she had dragged him back, farther than he would have been able to do by himself, farther than any hope of being rescued would have been able to. She had shown him that life wasn't over yet, that there still was hope. That his life wasn't worthless after all.
And he knew one thing for sure. Past the dizzy whirl of chaos engulfing his agonizing mind, he realized what she was trying to tell him, what she was offering the very moment insanity was threatening to claim his mind.
He had to do it. A leap of faith, the only thing able to prevent him from losing himself in Telac's power. He had to have faith and trust his friends.
Closing his eyes, he somehow felt resolute for the first time in days.
He would never come out alone. Even if it hurt, he had to concede that he could do absolutely nothing to end his ordeal; that his only chance of ever leaving this hell lay now in the hands of others.
The only thing he could do was try to persevere. And trust his friends.
No matter what Telac did to him, no matter how much he tried to get Julian give him the data he needed in order to finish his work, he wouldn't give it to him. Julian would hold out.
Until they found him…
Crude light spilled in through the gap in the door, accompanied by a scratching sound.
He barely noticed. Closing his eyes against the brightness, he tried to sink back into the comforting oblivion of sleep. If they had come for him, he would know anyway. No need to hurry.
Seconds later he felt a warm hand on his shoulder – and then he was rolled over, not able to help it, for his arms and legs felt as numb as his whole body. Someone was there, though he couldn't bring up enough strength to worry about it.
They must have realized it in the end. That I'm nearly about to die... he bitterly thought. That they've put me on the verge of the possible. No human body could endure such torture forever...
He wasn't happy about the thought. If they just let him sleep, if they just let him rest long enough to gather some of his strength...
Julian felt that he was being dragged up, still not fighting back the overwhelming exhaustion his sleepy mind was lulled in. Someone was there, making him sit up, though he was just too weak to keep his own body in an upright position. The other person seemed to notice, gently supporting Julian with his or her own body.
"My god, what have they done to you?" a voice said. "Drink that. It'll help you recover."
Too tired to argue with the voice, he took some sips, still not opening his eyes, then turned his head, inadvertently letting the warm, sweet liquid run down his chin. Another hand softly made him drink more of the lukewarm beverage. Too exhausted to care much, Julian offered no more resistance, draining the cup and letting his head drop back as soon as he was finished. No matter what it was, it couldn't possibly be worse than what Telac had done to him. Not that it mattered anyway…
"That's good. You'll be feeling better soon. You'll see."
He felt himself being eased down again, his mind already wandering off to some distant place, far away from here. Julian didn't even notice the stranger leave, when his thoughts had already lost themselves in the twilight of sleep.
The next time he woke, he felt much stronger, he even managed to sit up. An awkward position it was, though, leaning against one of the walls, waiting in the dimness for what seemed to him like an eternity.
It could be worse, though. It must have been some time since Telac's last call, since his almost final breakdown – and Julian was glad for it. His whole body was still exhausted with pain and hunger but he felt better now. Better than in the previous hours full of semi-consciousness and tantalizing agony. He felt stronger now. His head a little bit clearer. Breathing was still an unnatural effort but somehow he managed.
It was all of a sudden, that his meandering thoughts were drawn back to reality.
The door opened.
In the split of a second, he felt his heartbeat anxiously speed up, making him crouch even further into the dark corner, staring with wide eyes at the distant door. The only thing he could think of was that he didn't want to go back. He didn't know if he could endure it any longer. Wincing, he covered his eyes when a sudden brightness filled the room. It didn't take long for his eyes to adjust. The light wasn't as bright as he had thought at first. In fact, it was dim enough for him to actually see things. He could even discern figures in the distance now. One was the girl, ever watching but never moving or saying a single word. And the other...
"I'm sorry... to disturb you," a gentle voice said.
Looking up at the newcomer filling the doorframe, every muscle in Julian was taut. Against the bright light from the corridor, the only thing he could see was the other man's silhouette. His face was enveloped by darkness.
"What… do you want from me?" Julian said after a few seconds, slowly allowing himself to release the breath he'd been holding. Obviously that man wasn't one of the guards for neither of the two black-clad men had ever bothered to speak to him.
The other man stepped closer, kneeling down beneath Julian and placing a small tray on the ground. When the light from the corridor touched his face, he saw that the other man couldn't be much older than him. "I... suppose you're hungry. Please..."
Crouching further into the corner, Julian decided to ignore the other person completely. He wasn't ready to believe him, no matter if he only brought him food or not. He was still a prisoner. And he had been tortured. He couldn't trust the stranger more than he could trust Telac.
"I'm... not hungry."
"But you haven't eaten for days!" the other man held.
Only days? Rather seems like weeks…
Slightly confused, Julian noticed that the stranger really seemed to worry about his health, though it didn't make it any easier for him.
"You have to regain some strength. Besides, it tastes good."
He didn't care if the food was edible or not. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to regain any strength. He wanted to be left alone. Untouched. Able to survive long enough for Starfleet to find him. That was everything that mattered right now. He didn't want to be brought back to health. As long as he was on the verge of death they wouldn't touch him. It would just start all over again. And he would never be able to go through it once more without losing his sanity.
"Why don't you just give up?"
The question came so unexpected, so all of a sudden. It was said in a low, commiserating whisper; the other man shaking his head and turning his gaze away from Julian.
"You know that you can't win, don't you? And still you refuse to give up. You'll just make things worse, you know that. Last time you were nearly about to die. And still you won't let yourself be involved with Telac's plans..."
Taking a deep breath, Julian closed his eyes, trying not to think about the words. "I've got... no other choice. I can't help him. There are so many lives at stake and... I just can't give up yet..."
"But you've suffered enough. If you don't give up now, things will probably get even worse..."
In spite of himself, a desperate smile crossed Julian's lips. "It's... really hard to imagine... isn't it. I mean... that things might get... even worse," he managed, fighting back the surge of fear at the mere thought of what the words actually meant.
"But why? There's nothing you can do about it. He'll kill you. But before that he'll break you – there's no way to avoid the unavoidable."
For the first time, Julian met the stranger's gaze. He had to tell him. He had to tell somebody why he was opposing Telac's orders; to voice aloud what had made him realize that things weren't over yet. He knew he would never get out alone. But he still had hope. That was why he was still there, enduring Telac's torture, still breathing for he hadn't given up hope yet. He almost had, but someone had caught and hauled him back before he could have plunged in the dark abyss that was waiting for him…
Casting a swift but affectionate smile – at least he tried to make it a smile – toward the young girl, he suddenly noticed how much he already cared about her. Like before, she hadn't spoken after the incident, nor had she showed any other reaction. But still it didn't matter, for he knew that she had given him her trust…
Facing the other man again, Julian took in a deep breath.
"They'll come for me. I know that... Starfleet will find me and... Captain Sisko, Dax, they'll come for me... I'm sure they'll find me..." he tried in a whisper, his own voice sounding barely convincing to himself. But still it was true. He'd be rescued. He knew it for sure. Someone would come for him and it was up to him to stay alive until then.
"You have to eat."
Confused about the sudden change in topics, Julian eyed the tray of food with disgust. He was hungry. He couldn't think of the last time he had had something to eat. His stomach was as much aching from hunger as from pain, but still he just couldn't bring himself to touch the food.
There was a long silence before the other man spoke again.
"Then do it for your captain. You'll have to regain some strength if you want to withstand Telac until they find you. If you're right and they'll come for you – you perhaps have a small chance if you get stronger again."
Nodding ever so slightly, Julian stared at the floor. "I'll consider it..."
"Well, I've got to go now..." the other man said, slowly dragging himself up again and with a short commiserating smile he turned and left, taking with him the meager light.
The room was bathed in darkness again.
"So you're still refusing to help me, Julian?"
Somehow even Telac must have realized it in the end. That he couldn't win by torturing Bashir to death. He almost had, but obviously he had realized his mistake in time to make the young man stay. Julian didn't know how much time had passed since their last encounter. He had regained some strength since then, still feeling miserable, but no longer in any immediate physical danger. Julian had been even glad for the time alone…
"I was really hoping not to take this measure, but obviously you don't leave me much choice."
Bashir was standing in the middle of the room, unmoving. It was very early in the morning – at least he thought it was morning for he had already lost count of the days – and unlike the previous times, he hadn't been strapped to the wall. He knew though, that Telac's new plan could hardly be better than his previous one.
Telac offered a broad smile, closing in on the young doctor and after a short while, Julian heard the metal doors open once again. He didn't even turn, nor did he care. Just another one of Telac's petty games. Never removing his stare from the opposite wall, he failed to notice the two guards until they were standing right in front of Telac – with another prisoner carried in the middle. Julian turned his head only far enough to catch a short glimpse of the three newcomers – but subsequently felt his heart skip several beats at once.
Captain Sisko. The man hanging sunken down between the two guards was no one else than Captain Sisko.
Julian couldn't help staring aghast at the three men, all color draining from his face; He suddenly felt sick, stunned by the sight he had least of all expected to see. He didn't know how Sisko had gotten here, but seeing his own captain in that pitiful, battered shape in front of his eyes was like a violent slap across his face.
The brief moment of joy about the unexpected reunion– or what was much more important: the fact that they had actually found him! – was immediately drowned by the horror of how Sisko had gotten into Telac's power? He wasn't one for carelessly taking risks. If Bashir could imagine someone being able to stop this madness, it was Sisko – at least Julian had hoped so. But at the sight of his captain sunken down in front of Telac, the man he had used to look up to, battered and beaten and totally lost to the other man's power, Julian's last shreds of hope were dashed into hundreds of thousands of pieces.
"This… can't be true…" he stammered, struggling against the overwhelming surge of despair. His mind was racing. How was this possible? Had they really found him? Had his distress signal made it through to the station? Had they shared the same fate when they had tried to track him down on Felan III? How had they gotten into Telac's power?
Telac apparently relished the young man's bewildered sight.
"Strap him."
Like in trance, Julian watched the guards dragging Sisko to the opposite wall until he heard the strong iron brackets snap in firmly around the captain's wrists. During the whole procedure, Sisko never offered any resistance. He seemed exhausted and tired, obviously not having been treated better than Julian himself. Not able to take his eyes off of the horrible sight, Bashir felt his heart beat up into his mouth. He didn't even notice Telac coming up to him, until he suddenly heard the older man's loathsome voice sickeningly close to his ear.
"And now listen well, Julian. There's something else I want you to do for me." One side of Telac's mouth curled up in cruel amusement. "I want you to kill him. Slowly. With this knife."
And he held out a long, dagger-shaped knife, presenting it to Bashir who could do nothing but stare incredulously at Telac. It took some time till the realization of what Telac had just said sank in. Barely able to overcome his shock, he managed a weak shake of the head. He wasn't sure he had heard right.
"I'm a doctor, no murderer," he brought forth with great effort.
Telac laughed out in mock humor. The sound felt like an icicle through the young man's heart. "You're underestimating me, Julian!"
He beckoned again and the guards left the room, entering with two other persons a short while later.
"Dax!" Julian's voice nearly cracked as he saw who came into the room in their wake.
The young Trill didn't look at him. Behind her he saw the young girl from the cell. Julian involuntarily held his breath, refusing to imagine what it possibly meant that Telac had brought her here.
Confused and speechless, Bashir's eyes darted from Telac to Sisko and back. His thoughts wouldn't stop spinning. It couldn't possibly be real. Those people just couldn't be Captain Sisko and Lieutenant Dax. Perhaps it was just another of Telac's warped schemes to break him, but he refused to accept that this was reality. It made no sense. This just couldn't be real!
"What are you up to, Telac?" Bashir couldn't help shaking with barely subdued, desperate anger. "Do you think I'll fall for your petty tricks? That's not Captain Sisko!"
Telac held up his hands, ever smiling. "You're absolutely sure? It was you who said that Starfleet would send a rescue team to come for you. Well, too bad they didn't know of the planet's defensive system."
Bashir shot an uncertain look at Dax. "He's right, Julian," she whispered, tears filling her beautiful eyes as if she wanted to say that she was unspeakably sorry.
"No, that's not true!"
Startled, he realized that Telac was offering him a tricorder. "Then you might want to prove it yourself. Go ahead."
Reluctantly grabbing the tricorder with trembling hands, he didn't dare take a look at the vital signs on the screen. But he knew that he didn't have another choice. Dizzy from the implications, he finally found the strength to step forward, cautiously nearing the captain. It couldn't be. Julian was sure it was just another one of Telac's perverse games, another way of trying to break him. But still. What if it really was Sisko? What if Julian's last chance and hope of ever being rescued came to an end in this very room? He would have opposed in vain, all the pain he had gone through, it would never come to an end. With shaky hands he lifted the tricorder, taking in the vital signs... and subsequently felt his stomach turn.
It was Sisko.
"Oh my god, that can't be true..."
Unable to move, Julian felt Telac take away the tricorder.
"I won't repeat my order."
It took a few moments before the tremendousness of the situation hit Julian. It was Sisko. None of Telac's games. This was reality. And Bashir stood in the very middle of it.
He didn't know what to do. For the first time in days he felt that he no longer had the slightest control over the situation. He only knew for sure that he would never kill Sisko, never even consider the possibility. Telac's order was utterly insane. And Julian was sure that the elder man was perfectly aware of it.
"If you disobey my order, Lieutenant Dax will die." And Telac grabbed the young Trill roughly by her arm. He held another knife under Jadzia's throat, the young woman not even fighting against the harsh treatment.
Julian frantically thought about a solution. He wouldn't kill Sisko. He would never ever kill his commanding officer. But if he didn't, Telac would murder Jadzia. Still staring at the scarlet-clad man and Dax, he shook his head. He was stuck in a nightmare. His whole world had turned into an indescribable nightmare. Feeling sick to his bones, Julian was barely able to form a coherent thought. He only knew that he had to stop this. He had to do something. Anything.
"No… I can't," he almost pleaded, trying to make Telac understand. He would do anything Telac wanted him to do. He would endure every physical pain, but this order was utterly insane.
Without another word, Telac pulled the knife through Dax' throat, making Julian involuntarily cry out in surprise and dismay. The young woman slowly slipped from Telac's grip. Blood was running down her uniform, dripping to the gray floor and collecting itself in small puddles. Bashir was barely able to grasp what he had just witnessed. It had happened so fast. So ludicrously fast.
"No," he whispered in bewilderment. It couldn't be real. God, it just couldn't be real. Staring aghast at the young Trill's unmoving body, he frantically refused to accept what had just happened.
Jadzia.
Telac had murdered Jadzia, the young woman he had felt so much attracted to, the young woman he had fallen in love with, ever since their first meeting on the station more than four years ago. Even now her pale, inert face was so beautiful, so graceful that seeing her lifeless body, carelessly slumped in front of Telac's feet, almost tore up his heart, the weight of grief and guilt almost sending him down to the ground. Julian felt his legs give way as he slid down to the floor but Telac didn't give him time for mourning.
"You'll kill Sisko or the girl will be next."
It was mad. Julian's shoulders were shaking violently when he faced Telac, pleading. No, he just couldn't. How could Telac expect him to kill Sisko? His own captain? An innocent man? How had he even dared touch Jadzia?
"If you still refuse to follow my orders, more people will die. I'll kill them, one after the other, until you finally obey my wishes."
Telac's voice was icy, driving Julian to the edge of sanity. "No... no... you... can't do that..." he stammered. An inner voice was urging him to turn his back and run. Run as far away as he could. But still, he knew that many innocent people would probably die for his action. He felt short of breath, feeling the walls around him coming ever closer. But there was no escape. When there was one thing he was able to grasp, it was that this time there didn't exist any loophole. Not for him. Telac was serious, more serious than Julian would have ever imagined. Desperate tears came filling his eyes as he looked back at Jadzia's lifeless, mangled body. Then his eyes darted to the young girl whose life lay now completely in his hands. He had sworn to protect her...
Telac would kill her. Julian was absolutely sure of it. And Telac would kill other people. Until Julian did what he wanted. He held the young girl's life in his very hands – and that of another innocent man – as well as the lives of so many others he didn't even know.
Telac had made him a judge over life and death and after days of torture and physical pain, it was just too much for Bashir. He had his ideals, his principles. He had been told what was good and bad ever since his childhood and he had always acted according to his conscience. He had made decisions based on his principles. He had become a doctor, ever following his ideals. He had sworn an oath. An oath to protect life. And now he was forced to betray everything he believed in. There was no other way. Not for him. Telac held Julian's life in his hands and no matter what he did, Telac would force a decision out of the young man.
Julian felt so nauseated, loathing Telac as much as himself because he knew his life was no longer his. Telac had told him that more than once, had tried to make him realize that opposing his orders would just lead to further suffering.
"I can't do it…" Bashir wasn't sure if the words ever made it past his lips. The answer, though, came as a violent blow when Telac violently grabbed the young girl's shoulders, the blood-soaked knife already in his hand.
"You don't have any choice, Julian. I'll have you kill Sisko, I'll have you obey my wishes no matter how many lives I have to destroy in order to seize control over yours. Look at your little girlfriend. You know that it's your fault, don't you? She wouldn't have had to lose her life if you had obeyed me in the first place. How many more lives does it take to make you give up yours?" Smiling a cruel smile, Telac pressed the tip of the knife harder against the girl's skin. "She'll die. You better hurry."
"Telac, she… she's just a girl. Please, leave…" Bashir begged for Telac's mercy, completely ignoring his pride, but was abruptly stopped by the young girl's fearful scream when the elder man added more pressure to the knife. Julian couldn't help staring horrified at the small, red trickle that was oozing down from where the knife pierced the girl's skin.
"Stop…" he managed, shaking. "Stop it!"
"Then do what I told you!" Telac shouted, drowning out the girl's anxious sobbing.
"I…"
"Do it or she'll die!"
Break down.
He wanted to break down; to cry out against the crushing weight of hopelessness; to lose himself and weep over every wrong direction his life had been taken into during the last two weeks. Cry and weep about how life had turned into hell, how it had been taken from him, how his will was being turned against himself. How senseless and loathsome his very own life had become.
But still he couldn't, his emotional part deafened by the rational part of himself, telling him that breaking down would just make things worse, that giving in to his own agonizing pain would probably cost other people their lives.
He had already killed Jadzia, a person who had meant so much to him. And he would kill so many other innocent people. There was no way to avoid more murder. No matter his decision, he wouldn't be able to save everyone…
His vision blurred. Julian's gaze went to Sisko, then to Telac and the young girl – and finally something broke deep within his heart.
Julian Bashir, the doctor whose principles and ideals, whose passion for justice and right had directed his life so far, died in the very moment he finally took hold of the knife and made a decision.
He tried not to think, just concentrated on the wall at the far end of the room. He had once sworn an oath to protect life. He had to do so, even if it meant sacrificing one man's life to save so many others. Even if Julian had to betray everything he believed in, even if he had to betray his own self. Even if he would never be able to forgive himself for the dreadful deed he was about to commit. That he was forced to.
His face devoid of any emotion, he slowly went over to Sisko until he came to a halt directly in front of him. His gaze met Sisko's, and it was worse than any physical torture he had gone through during the last days. Because he knew that it wasn't only one man's life he was about to destroy. Kasidy, Jake, Joseph. He would end up hurting so many others close to him. His throat tightened, and his fingers shook so violently that he feared he'd lose hold of the knife.
The memories of those people, however, didn't belong to him anymore. They were Dr. Julian Bashir's and he knew that it was a self he would never be able to go back to.
"I'm... sorry..." he whispered in a broken voice, almost too weak to will himself to stand.
Sisko met his gaze squarely, his mouth twisting in agony; as if he was begging Julian to stop but was too weak to bring forth a single word.
Words.
Julian had to do it before a single word left the captain's lips because he didn't know if he had the strength to go on if Sisko asked him to come to his senses. Julian squeezed his eyes shut; and with all his strength he stabbed the older man's heart. The knife drove easily through the skin, the subsequent sputtering sound making Julian convulsively swallow against the sickness in his stomach. When he opened his eyes, Sisko's eyes had widened with bewilderment and disbelief. The captain stared at Julian as if he couldn't grasp what the young man had just done, almost praying to him to make everything undone. But Julian couldn't fulfill this hope. He would never again be able to fulfill anyone's hope. Nauseated at himself, he couldn't bear the sight of death, averting his gaze quickly enough not to see the captain's eyes, still fixed on the young man, slowly clouding over.
"Very well, Doctor."
He barely noticed Telac walking up to his side. He was still staring terrified at his bloody hands, which still held the knife in a white-knuckled grip. Sisko's blood. Something cold closed around his heart, so hard that he was hardly able to breathe...
He had murdered his captain.
"I see, you learnt your lesson well. Your life is mine. It will be mine forever and there is nothing you can do about it."
Julian didn't look up, nauseated by his own action. It was in that very moment that his self-respect lost itself in Sisko's flowing blood.
Almost gently, Telac took him by his trembling shoulders, steering him back toward the table in the middle of the room.
"I want you to swear an oath, Julian. An oath of everlasting loyalty."
Not waiting for Julian's reaction, the older man reached out for a heavy goblet in front of him, offering it to Julian with another loathsome, cruel smile. Confused at first, the young man took only reluctantly hold of it. It was an old-fashioned goblet, filled with a thick, red liquid.
"I want you to drink this as a pledge of loyalty. If you disobey, the girl will be next."
Numbly, Julian watched the older man but finally nodded. It just has to stop. No more murder. God, please make it stop!
"What... is it?"
"Blood. Jadzia's blood."
Julian nearly let the goblet drop. "No..." he shook his head, tears filling his eyes and blurring his vision.
"If you don't do it, I'll kill your young little friend. I'll let more people die until you finally obey my wishes!"
It was madness. A never, never, never-ending nightmare. Life had become a madness he wasn't able to free himself from. He felt on the verge of self-control when his fingers clenched around the goblet. The mere sight of the thick, red liquid made his stomach turn. But the young girl would die. Her life lay in Julian's hands. She had heard what he was expected to do and now she was waiting. For life or death.
It was just blood, he told himself. He would do it. It didn't matter that it was Jadzia's. It didn't matter that it was anyone's. In that very moment nothing mattered any more. He shut out every thought and began to take a sip of the warm liquid. Catching his breath and ignoring the coppery taste he forced it down.
After the third sip, he involuntarily let the goblet drop, clutching one hand desperately over his mouth, trying to accept it. But in vain. Crying and sobbing he dropped to his knees, vomited, choked and just couldn't stop retching. He knew Telac would kill the girl, but he just couldn't stop retching.
When he heard the smacking sound of the knife, cutting the girl's throat, he threw both arms over his head, covering himself. Furled up on the damp ground, shaking desperately with despair and hopelessness, he couldn't stop the tears from running down his cheeks, sobbing and wishing to die in that very place. If Telac just let him die, die, die…
"I won't make it that easy for you, Julian."
He hated him. Julian hated Telac for what he had done to him. What he had turned Julian into. And he loathed himself. Loathed his own weakness. Loathed what he had become.
"I'll have you drink that blood. If you disobey, I'll have many other people cast in their lot with your friends..."
He felt a firm grip around his arm. Someone was dragging him roughly up from the floor until he stood once more in front of the older man who once more offered Julian the goblet.
"You're far away from any decision. If you drink, your life is mine. You'll never be able to go back. If you disobey; your will, will still be yours, but they'll die. As long as you don't give it up."
Julian couldn't even bring up the strength to cry any more. The only thing he was still taking in were Jadzia and Sisko's lifeless bodies. And he had killed them. Even if Dax had died by Telac's hand, it was all Julian's fault. And the young girl's death. If he didn't drink now, he would be responsible for so many more deaths. It was as Telac had said. Julian was far from having any choice in this matter.
It was the moment when he took the goblet that he gave himself up. He shut down every smallest thought, every smallest emotion. There was no Sisko, no Dax anymore. No girl. There was no one who could reproach him, no one to pity him; no one to judge his actions, no one he would ever come back to, no one of any importance to him. There was no one who would ever know that Julian Bashir hadn't died along with his comrades on that day.
No one.
No one.
No one…
Having drained the goblet, his face went ghostly expressionless, the young man staring at Telac with no emotion at all.
"From now on, you'll help me with the construction of the layer destruction bomb. I'll have some accommodations provided for you. You're free to take part in the outer world's activity or make new acquaintances. I'm sure you've learnt your lesson well."
Julian still didn't respond, not even blink.
"If you intend to run away or kill yourself, there will be others who will suffer the consequences. Understood?"
Julian nodded.
"Very well. Every now and then we'll have to talk about your loyalty again but for now, you're free to go."
Gesturing toward the thick iron door, Telac smiled, though Julian didn't pay any attention. Without looking back, he stumbled out of the room. As soon as the heavy iron door snapped back in place behind his back, Julian unconsciously fell in a heap to the floor.
It was the computer's voice that woke him.
Sleepy and slightly disoriented he blinked, and propped himself on his elbows. He was lying in a bed, with a big white pillow and a soft and fluffy bedcover tugged around his body. For some seconds, he just stared at the strange sight. Something wasn't right, but he couldn't put his finger on it. His thoughts were pulled back to present when the computer's voice sounded again, insisting on a confirmation that he was awake.
With a groan, he let himself drop back against the soft pillow and rubbed his eyes. He felt so utterly tired. Every muscle ached. But then he pulled the bedcover away, slowly rolling over and stumbling out of bed. When he brought himself in an upright position, he suddenly felt dizzy and notice with surprise that his legs would barely support him and felt like rubber. What on earth had happened? He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. His mind was like in a fog when he awkwardly stumbled across the room to find the origin of the morning call.
When his gaze dropped down to a small commpanel next to the door of his quarters, he instinctively pressed the shiny red button, whereupon the voice vanished immediately.
It was strange. He couldn't remember having activated the alarm call. In fact, he couldn't remember anything that had happened before he had woken some minutes ago. Unsure, he cast a curious look around. His quarters were silent and clean. At least he suspected that he must be in his quarters. A couch was set against one wall, along with two armchairs, a table and a small replicator. The door on the far side of the room probably led to some sort of bathroom.
Slowly he found his way to the bathroom, running cold water over his tired face. When he looked at his own reflection in the mirror above the sink, he winced at the fatigue and pallor he saw. He looked as if he'd been through a nightmare.
How had he gotten here? He couldn't remember...
The high-pitched sound of the doorbell suddenly drew his attention and when Julian followed the chirp to the door, he found a tall, blond man with square shoulders in front of his quarters, about the same age as Julian.
"Oh, sorry to disturb you," the other man said, obviously slightly taken aback when he realized that Julian still wasn't dressed, wearing light blue pajamas. "Doctor Julian Bashir?"
Julian nodded – still too disoriented to bother much about anyone seeing him in his nightwear. "Yes, what can I do for you?"
The other man offered a sheepish grin. "My Name is John Whincy but you can call me John. I came to repair your replicator."
Unsure Julian nodded again, gesturing for John to enter.
"I hope you haven't planned on having breakfast, yet. I was supposed to come here yesterday but I was just too busy. I hope you didn't mind..."
"No," Julian replied, "to be honest, I've just gotten up."
"Are you hungry then?"
Julian shot him a confused look and John added: "It might take some time to repair the replicator. If you're hungry you should go get something to eat at the cafeteria."
Yes, he was hungry. Very hungry indeed. It felt as if he hadn't had anything for days. So he nodded.
"Ok, so, if you dress we could go together."
Julian went back into the bedroom, leaving John in the living room. However, stopping in front of his wardrobe, he hesitated. What to wear? So he went back to John.
"I... think you're working in the infirmary, aren't you? Why not dress for work?" John smiled thoughtfully.
Without another word the young man went back to the wardrobe, flicking through the countless clothes there. Most of them were of a dark brown, gray or in the same blue as John's overalls. But then his fingers ran over another piece of black fabric. With some small hesitation, he took it out of the wardrobe. It was black, blue-trimmed at the shoulder part. A lilac shirt underneath.
Uncertain, he turned it over, inhaling the scent of fresh laundry. Within a second he had made up his mind.
When he came back to John, he could see John's surprised face. "Well, you look pretty good in that, Dr. Bashir."
Julian somehow started to relax. Perhaps it was because of that other man's presence but he felt a heavy weight drop from his chest.
"Oh, please, I'm Julian," he wearily managed to smile.
It was strange, but he somehow already liked that young man. Perhaps they could become friends...