Hidden Memories - Chapter 7
"So Telac's now unaccounted for?"
Odo was bending over the conference table in the middle of the ward room, both hands steepled in front of his chest. His face was expressionless as ever, though Sisko thought he could see a small twist of disdain in Odo's mouth-like opening. In any case, the constable was obviously very interested in what Sisko, Kira, Dax and O'Brien had to report from their rescue mission in the Gamma Quadrant. More so because he finally got to know the real reason that had been behind the captain's sudden departure from the station two weeks earlier… and that reason proved to be a little bit more extraordinary than everyday crimes on the station.
"Officially the central authority of Felan III filed a report whereupon Telac's plans to destroy the wormhole were completely unknown to any official representative. According to their reports, Telac was a terrorist who acted on his own. After the Defiant's interference, Mr. Hradly officially issued an arrest warrant against Telac and his helpers. He's also sent his regrets and apologies for what has happened."
Kira snorted, not very impressed. "As if Telac would have been able to set up such high-tech headquarters on his own…"
"And unofficially?" Lieutenant Worf interjected sternly.
Running his hand over his beard, Sisko nodded with a short sigh. "According to Starfleet Intelligence, Telac's plans had been approved by the government who considered it an opportunity to gain greater influence in that sector of the Gamma Quadrant in the first place. When Telac's intentions were exposed, the government couldn't risk getting involved in the affair, making it seem as if a mad scientist had acted on his own."
"What about Dr. Bashir's shuttle? Why had he been shot upon while he was traversing the gravitational belt of the planet? The Felani must have known that attacking a Starfleet shuttle would most probably be considered an aggressive act towards the Federation. They should have figured that a Starfleet shuttle wouldn't go missing so easily…" Lieutenant Dax folded both hands in her lab, intent on what Sisko had to say.
"Well, it's only guesswork, but with their own technology not able to compete with other space traveling cultures, the Felani must have known that they were still lacking of the ability to realize Telac's plan. Their ships are too small, not very fast – least of all prone for long-distance traveling. They must have also known that other cultures with other technology would be able to hide their intention long enough to place the bomb in the wormhole – and that included Starfleet."
"So Julian was just at the wrong place at the wrong time," Kira concluded, letting out a short, resigned sigh. She looked tense, obviously only slowly grasping the full meaning of the political game Sisko, Dax, O'Brien and Bashir had been used in.
"You can say so." The captain's visage remained somber. "When Dr. Bashir came into range of the planetary defense system, the Felani took their singular chance of obtaining Starfleet technology. Alas, in the course of their attack, Dr. Bashir had most obviously lost control over the runabout. Once it reached the surface, it crashed down in a swampy area – maybe thus even saving his life when the shell was not smashed by the impact on the dampening ground. However, all the data we received from the central authority revealed that there isn't much left of the runabout, its main computer systems almost completely useless, most of the data irreversibly lost. That just left them Dr. Bashir…" Sisko trailed off, watching every single member of his crew.
"Three months is a long time," Odo snorted finally, shaking his head. "How is he?"
It was the very question everyone in the room was interested in, though only Dax and O'Brien had seen and spoken to him so far. Even though everyone had read the official mission report and thus was informed about everything that had occurred since Sisko had so suddenly left the station, nothing had been said about Dr. Bashir's condition, apart from the fact that the station's CMO would be indefinitely off duty. So everyone was more than anxious for some news.
"Physically well, though I would suggest from all that I saw, that he's psychically unstable," Dax offered in a matter-of-fact tone, not letting her actual feelings show.
"He's in his quarters now. I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to keep him in the infirmary too long, for he's almost completely recovered. And I'm sure a more familiar surrounding will do him good…" she added in an afterthought.
Odo snorted a short affirmation, then folded both hands and propped himself on his elbows. Even if her statement wasn't quite informative, he left it at that, even though he knew that there was more to the young Trill's words than she wanted them all to believe. But it wasn't his business and he respected her reluctance. He had never before had the trait to pry into other people's businesses and he surely wouldn't start to now.
When Worf offered a short nod, too, the captain continued.
"Good, we'll meet again when Starfleet sends word what precisely will happen with Telac and the central authority, once our man is found. In the meantime: Just get a little bit of rest and try not to overburden yourself. The last days have been quite exhausting. Dismissed."
When everyone had left – even though Kira had to almost literarily drag Chief O'Brien out of the room, who had already been about to start questioning the young Trill about Julian all over again – , Dax stepped next to the captain's side, following his gaze towards the many pinprick-seized stars outside the viewport. Both hands clasped behind her back, she let some seconds elapse before she finally spoke up in a quiet voice.
"You should go and talk to him, Benjamin." Her expression tensed as she turned to face her friend.
Benjamin seemed to consider her words for a brief moment, then inhaled deeply.
"I know, Old Man. It's just that I can't even imagine what our conversation could be like…" Sisko answered, running his hand once more over his short beard. "You know, I just want to wait until he's settled a little bit in. Three months is indeed a long time. I don't want to overwhelm him with all these new impressions. He needs time to adjust. I don't want to push him – not in his present condition anyway."
After a short pause he reluctantly added, this time more than earnest: "How is he?"
The young Trill slightly shook her head. He could see the sadness in her blue eyes as her brows furrowed with worry. "After all I experienced and what Chief O'Brien told me, we should keep our expectations to a minimum. He's completely down. After his conversation with Julian, O'Brien told me he had been almost too quiet. It's so very different from what he was when John and I found him in the Telac's lab. It's like he's given up at length. It's… scaring…"
Taking a deep breath, Sisko squared his shoulders. He didn't like what this was leading to, but still he had to voice it. "He's ready to die. That's why he's so unnaturally calm…"
He could see Dax bewilderment – and concern at his words, but hurriedly held up one hand in reassurance. "I've already fixed daily sessions with counselor Telnorri. Let's wait for his professional assessment of the situation. Perhaps it's just transitional. Julian just isn't the type to give up that easily…"
The young Trill nodded, then gently squeezed Sisko's upper arm, offering a weak smile. "Get some rest yourself, Benjamin. It's been quite stressful days…"
Sisko didn't turn to face her, as he kept staring straight ahead. "I will…. I promise, I will…"
Julian was pausing, watching his tired reflection for a short moment in the small mirror above the sink. Pale, worn features were staring back at him, making him wonder if his inner exhaustion was actually as obvious to other persons as it felt from within. Finally able to tear away his gaze, he grabbed the fresh towel and hastily rubbed his cool skin. He was shivering, eager to finish drying himself as quickly as possible and dress again. The fine hairs of his neck and arms were already bristling up – most likely due to the unnaturally cold hanging like a paralyzing veil in the air. He hurriedly slipped into the dark trousers and the blue shirt, when his thoughts were all at once drawn back to reality.
"You're ok, Dr. Bashir?" a low male voice came from the other room.
Wincing he recalled that he wasn't alone…
"I'm almost finished," he replied dryly, not hurrying in the least to make his way back to the other room.
Julian cast a wistful look towards the shower, wondering if he could just have another. He felt so cold and tired. The feeling of warm water running down his skin had been so comforting and calming, making him almost feel at home again.
Almost.
All at once nauseated and distracted, he turned his gaze away and closed the zipper of his jacket, put on socks and shoes. He was still shivering, even with the thick layers of clothes and the room temperature set to higher degree than usual, though he tried to hide it when he finally left the bathroom for the adjacent living room.
As he had expected, the tall, grim-looking security guard was still standing there, next to the door, nodding slightly as he saw Bashir come back. Lieutenant Sharun was a young, burly man, only lately assigned to the Station. Julian dimly recalled him having been assigned to the U.S.S. Kelaran before his arrival at DS9 some months ago. They had only met once, shortly after Sharun's first week on the station but Bashir had been too busy with the preparations for the medical conference on Altaran as to remember the young man more than just from brief sight. Wondering if Sharun had already made new friends and made himself at home, Julian involuntarily felt the lump in his throat.
He could tell from Sharun's awkward posture that the young security guard wasn't at comfort with having to intrude on Bashir's privacy, either. However, for his credit he didn't say anything, keeping his eyes fixed to the opposite wall and giving Julian at least enough privacy not to feel too policed.
Julian didn't care.
Even if Dax or O'Brien, Kira or Odo had seen to have him watched over, it just didn't change anything. If they wanted him alive – good, he would obey, though they wouldn't be able to keep their eyes on him forever. They couldn't live his whole live for him. Sooner or later they would finally abandon him again…
He slowly walked over to the cabinet and found the PADDs where he had left them, grabbing some at random. So they hadn't vacated his quarters during his absence. Julian wasn't sure if he should feel glad or indescribably sad about it. In fact he barely felt anything at all as he numbly stared at the blank devices in his hand as if not quite sure what to do with them. He tried to ignore the upwelling emotions and took a short, deep breath before he slowly closed the cabinet's drawer.
Letting himself heavily drop onto the couch in front of the huge viewports, he pushed away the cushions to lean back. There wasn't much to do anyway, he could as well pass some time with reading. It had been some strong, almost life-depending need that had driven him to stumble yet again into the shower, to wash it all away, to get rid of the filth and dirt he never was able to get off. But it was pure boredom that drove him to retrieve those long forgotten PADDs out of the drawer, even if he didn't actually feel like reading at all.
Julian tapped the first one, making bright green letters appear on the once-black surface. It all seemed so familiar, but yet so far away. Like something out of another lifetime.
Neuromuscular germ cell combination.
He had worked on that particular issue before his trip to the Gamma Quadrant. Before – he hadn't come back from the conference…
Tapping it off, it took him some seconds to overcome the icy terror that had laid itself over his shivering body at the mere thought of what he still wished so desperately to forget. Ignoring and forgetting was everything that still kept him in life, the only way to keep guilt and horror down to a somewhat bearable degree. He didn't know how he could ever go on from now, how he could ever again see into the faces of those he once had considered friends. And he wouldn't need to. There wasn't anything left he could come back to, was there?
Julian absently set the once again black PADD aside and started flicking through the other ones he had brought. Wincing, he realized that it weren't but medical ones, dealing with topics he once had been interested in. No, he coldly scolded himself, topics Dr. Julian Bashir had been interested in.
He wasn't a doctor any more. He was relieved of duty, most likely for an incalculable amount of time. And he also knew he would never return to being a healer, for he had betrayed everything this profession stood for.
Shoving the PADDs to the far side of the small table, Julian eased himself onto the couch again, lay down the length of it and furled up on its soft mattress. If he just weren't so tired. He was so utterly tired and exhausted but still sleep wouldn't come. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and tried not to think, not to relive the horrors he never was able to shake off completely.
His meandering thoughts didn't have time to dredge up further details, though, when a soft chime made him involuntarily focus his attention back to reality again.
Someone was coming. Probably to see or talk to him. Julian couldn't help but watch it passively when Lieutenant Sharun turned to open, not even asking Bashir if he wanted to see anybody. Julian was used to it, though. No one ever asked for his wishes. He was nothing more than a puppet, first of Telac and now of his friends.
Closing his tired eyes against everything else, he heard the door hiss open, heard muffled footfalls and hushed voices, speaking in unintelligible tones – speaking about him. He didn't care. Laying his head on the back of his hand, he could still pretend to be asleep. Perhaps they would leave him alone…
"Julian?"
He hated that name, the way people spoke it, the very way they used it… Reluctantly opening his eyes, he saw the tall and burly figure edged against the bright light of the corridor that spilled in from around the figure's silhouette. He didn't even have to see it clearly to know who it was – though the awareness didn't make it any easier. He didn't want to meet anybody. He didn't want to talk to anybody. And he didn't want to be visited by anybody. If they just left him alone…
"How are you?" John gently asked as he entered Julian's quarters without being asked to and slowly started nearing the small couch and its table. He didn't wait for Julian's reaction, but settled himself into one of the two vacant chairs, leaning forward as he intently watched the young man. Behind him the door whooshed closed.
Yet again Julian was trapped…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Fine," was everything Bashir retorted as he warily dragged himself up. His eyes didn't meet John's as he kept his stare fixed on the opposite door where Lt. Sharun was still standing, hands clasped behind his back, and most likely overhearing every word both of them spoke.
"Julian, it's ok, you're talking to me," the young engineer tried mildly. "You don't have to lie and I won't tell anybody. I'm your friend, you forgot?"
"I'm fine," Bashir answered once more, running a hand over the length of his face and gently rubbing his temples. With his face so expressionless it was hard to tell what he was really feeling behind his insincere mask of indifference, though it was more than obvious that the recent events still had their shadows on him – perhaps even more than anyone would have suggested only hours ago.
He was lying.
He seemed so tired and worn, making John involuntarily wonder if Julian had actually slept the night before. It had been more than two days that Defiant had made it back to the station. More than a day that he had been released from the Infirmary and assigned to his quarters though both Captain Sisko as well as Counselor Telnorri would have it that he was constantly watched over. Swiftly squinting at the burly young security man who was still standing next to the door, John took in a deep deliberate breath and wondered how much Julian felt actually disturbed by the constant surveillance.
However, it was only logical a consequence. After all they experienced Julian didn't seem quite capable of coping with his recently regained memory. Having not a watchful eye on him might prove out disastrous…
No matter how much it hurt seeing him treated like this, John knew that it was the best thing they were able to do for him at present. Even if he had been rescued from Telac's captivity, even if he had been brought home, reinserted into his old life and given every medical care he had needed, Julian was far from being back to normal. John didn't know what kind of person Julian had been before his involuntary stay in Velurin. If his zealous and buoyant attitude during their "normal life" had been what once had qualified the original Dr. Julian Bashir. But even compared to the man he had come to know as his friend, with whom he had shared the better part of the worst times under Telac's influence, the young man sitting now in front of him, was merely a shadow of his former self.
He barely recognized his friend any more. John could still see it in Julian's pained and tantalized eyes, could tell it from how he carried himself in front of others. Even in this very moment, Julian was suffering from the last three months, silently, without letting anyone know, trying to pretend that everything was alright even though it was not…
When Julian didn't offer any further conversation and kept silently staring towards the floor, John tried again.
"Lieutenant Dax asked me to accompany you to your session with Counselor Telnorri."
He could see Bashir involuntarily flinch at the mentioning of the counselor, though besides he didn't show any other reaction. It was as if he thought that ignoring John would finally make him leave…
Leaning gently out to him, John sighed. He somehow managed to resist the urge to touch his friend for comfort.
"Julian, you're back home," he tried, almost pleading, not knowing how to work the miracle that was needed to get his friend back; a miracle they all were yearning for so desperately. "This is where you always wanted to go. And now you're back. They've found you and brought you home. I know that things have changed since then, but it's still the place where you belong."
Slowly shaking his head, Bashir's voice was barely audible as he spoke at length. "This isn't home. Home is somewhere you feel at ease, somewhere you can come back to, a place where you belong, a place of warmth and security." His voice almost broke. "I don't want to be here…"
Gently reaching out for his shoulder, John's expression grew all of a sudden sad and melancholic. "You once used to be. Even when you first came to Velurin, in Telac's captivity, it was home – the desire to get back home – that kept you alive. You always wanted to return here, you kept opposing Telac, clinging to the faith that your friends would come for you. And finally they did. And they brought you home. Do you really want to throw that away?"
"Wasn't my choice," Julian mumbled. "That was before…"
He didn't finish the sentence, though John could see him stiffen at the thought of the moment when all his past life had irrevocably shattered into tens of thousands of pieces. And John couldn't even blame him. Julian had shut down every smallest thought about his past life – about his friends, about who he actually was – in a last desperate attempt to save his battered mind from insanity. And not without reason. Having suppressed Telac's cruel and inhuman torture, the humiliation of having been broken and the crushing guilt of committed murder, Julian had still been able to lead a normal life during those last three months, employed in the authority complex of Velurin. He had been save for the time being, his thoughts completely dispatched from what had happened.
But now those feelings, those unpleasant, devastative, long suppressed memories had been dredged up again, dashing the illusion of a rebuild life in a moment's notice, drowning him all at once in the misery too long deferred. And Julian obviously didn't see any way out. Too buried with guilt and shame, his thoughts obviously couldn't free themselves from the horror he had went through, constantly dragging him back to the decisive moment of his ordeal, the moment when Telac had voiced the order that should ultimately destroy Julian's own life…
No, Julian was all but himself, his present condition at best comparable to some sort of emotional shock. Contrary to what Dax had stated some time ago, he wasn't on the mend. And as long as he couldn't get any objective view on his present state, John wouldn't allow him to destroy the puny chance of life he had been left with.
He knew what Julian intended to do. What he had intended ever since Telac had made him remember – and John was resolute to prevent him from any further harm, no matter if inflicted by Telac, his friends or Julian himself.
Letting out a short sigh, John dragged himself up and threw a short look toward the small replicator in the opposite wall's niche.
"Lieutenant Dax told me your appointment is in about half an hour. What… about lunch? I figure you haven't had anything yet?"
Julian succinctly shook his head, his voice tinted with contempt. "I'm not hungry."
"Thought you'd say that…" the young engineer mumbled under his breath but went there all the same, swiftly ordering a cup of steaming Kelanar. He waited until the sparkling faded, and the molecules had coalesced into shape, before he gingerly reached out for the hot, steaming cup.
When he came back, he didn't bother to sit down but kept standing, intently taking in Julian's surroundings. It was the first time he actually got a more accurate idea of his friend's past life, though he quickly directing his look back to Bashir, not wanting to intrude too far into the young man's privacy. Instead he tried yet again to involve Julian into conversation.
"I've never thought space stations can be so big", he said, chuckling slightly. "I didn't have much to do those last two days so Major Kira offered me a tour around the station, showed everything to me. I'm not sure if living in such a dark and bulky container would be the right thing for me, but at least your comrades seem to be quite nice."
Bashir didn't respond, though he seemed to tense at the mentioning of his former friends.
"You know, we visited that bar yesterday. Run by the Ferengi. Not bad, I have to admit", John smiled again. "What about stopping in before your appointment with the counselor. We could have a short drink – or two?"
Julian let out a weak sigh. "I don't feel like going to Quark's." After a short silence he added in an almost too quiet voice: "Can't you just leave me alone?"
It sounded more like a helpless plea than a real request, making John feel all again guilty and intruding. He just wanted to help Julian…
Trying to change topics and bridge the last twenty minutes till their meeting with the station's counselor, he took another swift glance around until his eyes fell upon a plain wooden picture frame. Absently he reached out for the light-coloured, old-fashioned thing.
"Your brother?"
Obviously in surprise, Julian cocked up his head, his brow furrowed in confusion until he spotted the picture John was holding and intently studying.
"No, one of my friends at the academy," Julian simply said, not too elated about the conversation. His voice was still perfectly controlled.
John made some sort of hum sound before he put the frame cautiously back onto the shelf from where he had originally retrieved it. With a slightly sad smile crossing his lips, he shortly shook his head before he focused his attention back on Julian.
The young man still sat at the very same spot he had when John had entered his quarters. In fact, Julian's reaction to John's visit had failed quite briefly, making the young engineer wonder, if he could actually make it through Bashir's inner barrier.
"He had a certain resemblance to you about him. I just thought you were related", John tried once again, taking another sip of the hot red liquid.
"I've no siblings. I'm an only-child," Bashir retorted matter-of-factly.
There was a short silence following until John finally spoke up again. When he did, his visage fell somber, a hint of sadness crossing his handsome features as his eyes took a glassy, faraway look.
"You know, I had a sister," he started reluctantly. "Her name was Elena."
Julian didn't say anything, though he kept watching the blond engineer, obviously not as indifferent toward what he had to say than in their earlier conversation.
John slightly shook his head as he continued. "I… don't know what happened to her. She was thirteen the last time I saw her. That was about two years ago. It's the reason why I was still working for Telac. You know, Elena was my half sister. When we arrived at Velurin some years ago it was paradise at first. But then she vanished – though I was unmistakably told who was behind it."
"Telac?"
John nodded. "He had me do everything he wanted. If I didn't, he'd hurt her. At least he told me so. That's why I stayed, endured Telac's moods and treatment. But the truth is, I never saw her again. She just vanished. I haven't given up hope yet that perhaps I'll find her, that I didn't pass the last few years in vain…"
Shaking his head, a small sad smile fell on John's face. "I think it was hope that helped me persevere. You need hope in your life, that's what keeps you going. Hope that sometimes everything becomes better, hope that dire times won't last forever…"
When Julian didn't answer, the young engineer cast a quick look at the chronometer and involuntarily winced. Putting the cup on the small table he sighed.
"I think we ought to go."
He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave his quarters. Although he had known that once the time would come, he somehow had avoided the thought for the last two days. John's words came as a violent and unexpected blow, taking Julian's breath all at once, speeding his pulse up to almost unbearable beating.
He was save here. Nothing could protect him from being hurt if he left…
But still he knew that it was impossible. He had to keep the appointment with Counselor Telnorri. His former crewmates wouldn't probably be too appreciative if he didn't and the last thing he wanted was to upset them. As long as he followed their rules – as long as he had to follow them – they wouldn't bother him. Trying hard to get his upwelling emotions back under control, Julian shut down every distracting, anxious thought as he reluctantly drew himself up.
He caught up with John but hesitated when the slender door in front of him suddenly whooshed open, revealing the brightly lit corridor behind – as well as some young Bajoran officers, walking together and chattering cheerfully as they made their way past the two of them. Julian instinctively stopped behind the threshold, his eyes slightly narrowed, waiting for the others to pass.
Noting Julian's unexpected reluctance, John slowly went back to his side, gently reaching out for the young doctor's arm for reassurance.
However, even before John could actually touch him, Julian jerked abruptly back, an expression of sudden but fast-suppressed panic crossing his pale features.
"I… I can walk by myself. I don't need your help," he managed awkwardly, backing up another subtle step as he couldn't take his eyes off the other young man.
Nodding, John held up both hands in a – what he thought or better hoped – reassuring gesture. "Ok, Julian, then let's go."
Julian tried hard to overcome the paralyzing panic that had laid itself upon him the very moment John had tried to seize his arm. No, not seize, he scolded himself as he finally brought himself to take John's cue and caught up with the young engineer. He just wants to reassure me. He just wants to help…
But no matter how much he knew that John never intended to harm or threaten him in any way, Julian just couldn't fight down the feeling. He didn't want to be touched. Neither by any medical personal nor by anybody else. And that included John. He never wanted to be touched again…
Making his way through the almost empty corridors of the station's habitat ring, he involuntarily wondered if things had always been so dark, bulky and -- frightening. The walls, the ceiling, even the floor. Somehow the thought had never crossed his mind before but in this very moment he couldn't remember the reason that had held him enthralled in this bleak, gray, dark metal cave during all the past years. He should have known from the start. Ugly things foreboded an ugly future. He should have learnt that lesson well enough so many times in the past but still he wouldn't have listened. Seeking new adventures, new challenges – damn, he had been so naïve…
As they rounded another corner, one of Odo's security men came towards them, greeting as he passed the two men. John politely reciprocated, whereas Julian was too absorbed in his own thoughts than to even notice. Ever following John, he involuntarily kept always staying a step behind, his heart not ceasing to pound heavily in his chest.
Like the first time I'd been led there...
The thought so swiftly crossed his dulled mind that it took Julian actually a few seconds to grasp the full meaning of the few, simply-thought words. Feeling his stomach turn at the mere memory, he involuntarily quickened his steps. Better to end this way as fast as possible.
When they entered the turbolift that should lead them to the second level, Julian hesitated a short moment, then stepped in after John. He kept his eyes fixed on the door until it shut and the lift lurched downwards, making Julian abruptly grab for the railings as a sudden attack of nausea threatened to make his legs give way.
"You're alright?" John worriedly asked, already about to save Bashir from collapsing. Julian looked even paler than only minutes before, his eyes betraying the helpless fear and pain he so desperately tried to hide.
"I'm…I'm fine", Julian hurriedly lied, straightening as he tried to get his heartbeat back under control.
"You're not Julian", the young engineer held with furrowed brows, now turning his whole attention to the startled young man in front of him. He knew that something definitely was wrong with Julian. "What is it?"
Bashir barely showed any reaction at all, slightly shaking his had dismissively, though it was hard not to notice that he couldn't bring forth a single word – even if he wanted.
Julian tried frantically to convince himself that he wasn't going back. He was on DS9, in one of its turbolifts, heading for the second level. He wasn't going back. He never would be again…
"It's nothing… really," he somehow managed as he turned towards the door, ignoring John and his worried expression and praying that it wouldn't take too long to reach the second level…
The sudden arrival at their destination saved the young man from any further explanations as he hastily dashed out of the lift and into the corridor – thought only a split second later he realized that he had gotten out of the frying pan and into the freezer. Stumbling a few steps ahead, driven by his own momentum, he froze at the very spot where he came to a halt. Nothing could have prepared him for the surge of nausea that came washing over him the very instant he saw him.
Sisko.
The dark, looming, towering figure of his former captain was standing only a few meters in front of him, obviously as taken aback as Julian was – Lieutenant Dax next to him, having interrupted their little conversation the same moment the young doctor had come rushing out of the turbolift.
Julian felt thunder-struck, his eyes growing ever larger with incredulity as his mind desperately tried to catch up with the new, unexpected situation.
Sisko. God, anybody, but not Sisko!
And from one moment to the other he was there again. It was as if nothing that had happened afterwards was of any real matter. Neither his rescue, nor the time he had spent on the Defiant, least of all that he had been home. It didn't matter that he had tried to forget, that he had avoided the situation ever since. That he had tried to live up to his old life. From one moment to the other he was there again. In the cellar. Telac next to him, hissing words so poisonous and devastating. Julian's own shaky hands clutching the tiny device that would ultimately destroy his own life. His captain's eyes, so wistful and begging in front of him, urging him to stop the cruel and coldblodded deed he was about to commit. And yet again he was powerless. Yet again he was reminded of how fragile, how powerless, will less and how very unworthy of life he was.
Staring in pure bewilderment at the very man he once had looked up to, the man he so consciously had deprived of life, Julian's mouth frantically worked, though the words were stuck somewhere deep down in his throat.
Locking his eyes with the captain's – even the tiny moment it was – made yet another hesitantly rebuild world shatter into millions of pieces, driving Julian to the verge of panic.
"…no…", he managed in a hoarse whisper. He just wanted it to stop. If he could just lose them again. If he could just lose those memories again. But he knew that the nightmare would never ever come to an end. Not for him.
"Julian…" Sisko held both hands up, nearing the young man ever so slowly, though it was the decisive action that made Julian finally overcome his horror.
Everything within him was urging him to run. He couldn't face Sisko, he couldn't face Dax, nor could he ever face anyone who had known the former Dr. Julian Bashir again. He once had betrayed them, he would never again be able to look into the face of any of them. Least of all Sisko…
He didn't want them to come any nearer. The air was so stifling and thick, he hardly was able to breath. With a last desperate look he realized John reaching out for him – and jerked violently back, almost tripping over his own feet as he frantically tried to keep his balance. Without another word he turned his back on them – and broke into a desperate run.
"When do you think the Rio Grande's upgrades will be finished?"
Sisko's leisure way of walking stood in some contrast to his matter-of-fact tone as he and the lieutenant made their way to shuttle bay four. In fact he felt pretty much at ease, happy to be back home even if the backlog of paper work had driven him out of his office the first chance that had presented itself to him. Taking a look at the upgraded Rio Grande or at least at the ongoing procedures was a welcome change in the station's monotone daily life.
However, he knew better than to complain. Wasn't it just a few days ago that he had been yearning for his normal life back at the station? That he would have even given his career in Starfleet to come back to his old life, to leave all those seemingly insurmountable problems behind? No, he wouldn't complain about a little bit of paper work now, no matter how boring or tiring it may be. One said that you only know what you had when you've already lost it… Well, he had been given a second chance – and he was resolute to take it.
"The shuttle's maintaining crew's reports say they'll need just a few couple of hours more. The Rio Grande should be back to use within the day."
Sisko nodded, relieved that things started to work yet again as they should. Smiling absently he said: "It's good to hear that."
Dax returned the genuine smile of relief, then directed her gaze back down the long corridor as she kept walking next to him.
"Have I mentioned, that it's good to be back home?" he said, again in a half-smile and a somewhat dreamy expression on his once so stern face.
The young Trill chuckled slightly. "I'll remind you the next time you start throwing PADDs across the room."
Sisko abruptly stopped, not sure what to think about Jadzia's last statement. Stemming both hands to his hips, he watched her carefully. "You spied."
Shaking her head and trying to suppress a smile, she turned to face him. "The door of your office is transparent."
"It…" Benjamin shrugged in defiance, "… was just one time. And I really was furious then."
"And the other time, you shouted at Admiral LeGrand?" The young woman asked with arched brows.
Resuming walking, Sisko just shrugged once more. "At least I didn't throw things…"
"If you say so…"
They rounded the corner in direction towards the docking ring, as Jadzia's face once again became stern and concentrated – as always when she was about to dredge up some unpleasant details of her previous hosts' memories.
"To the best of my recollection your impulsiveness had always been some troublesome point for Curzon. He never…"
She abruptly trailed off as she almost bumped into Benjamin who had stopped in mid-stride without warning. Stepping next to him, her eyes slightly widened as she saw the young man dashing out of the turbolift only a few meters in front of them. Stumbling he came to a halt when his eyes suddenly fell upon the two newcomers.
He looked distracted, a bit confused until his mind seemed to catch up on the new situation. It was the same reaction she once had witnessed down in the tunnels of Velurin, when John and she had found him in one of the deserted rooms. His face without the slightest tint of color, he stood at the very spot he had stopped on.
And only a moment later John left the lift behind Julian, obviously as stunned about Julian's sudden stillness as everybody else. They were on their way to Counselor Telnorri…. She had asked John to accompany his friend, because she hadn't wanted to overwhelm Julian with all the new impressions. She had thought that perhaps it would be easier for the young doctor if there was someone familiar there for him…
Julian seemed to get so still and stiff that he barely breathed any more. Staring at Sisko and her in paralysis, the young man was obviously on the verge of panic.
God, no, not now… It was exactly the thing she had been trying to avoid ever since she had learnt of Julian's trauma. She knew what horrifying a shock it had to be for the young man to meet his captain so unexpected and without forewarn after all what had happened – and obviously Benjamin did, too, for he slowly raised both hands in a somewhat calming gesture.
"Julian…." He started, cautiously nearing the startled young man, when Julian suddenly seemed to overcome his paralysis. Jerking abruptly back from John, he tried hard to not to fall over, casting them a look that was enough to make all alarms ring in Jadzia's mind.
And without another word, he spun around and broke yet again into a run.
"Julian!"
He didn't react to Sisko's call, nor did he even once look back over his shoulder – until he was gone around the corner.
"Damn!"
Sisko was already about to set off behind Bashir, when Jadzia suddenly grabbed his arm, holding him back as she decidedly shook her head.
"I'll see to him," John hurriedly said before he made his way behind Julian, leaving the two Starfleet officers standing solely in the middle of the corridor.
Sisko's voice was barely more than a whisper when he spoke up after a long, stifling silence.
"He'll never overcome it…"
He wasn't happy with that realization. If they had just found him earlier... If they had just been able to prevent Telac from the cruel torment he had done to Bashir. Shaking his head, Sisko tried to focus on reality again. They hadn't. And that alone was of any importance right now.
Feeling a warm, reassuring hand on his shoulder he turned to see into the young Trill's gentle, commiserate face. She knew how he was feeling, and she was as much worried about Julian as he was.
"He won't…until you help him."
Startled and confused, he couldn't quite follow her.
"He's dreading me, Old Man. He's panicking the very moment he just thinks I'm getting any closer to him." Voicing loud the thoughts that had kept nagging at him, was in some way a relief – though they didn't hurt any less. Julian being afraid of his own captain – of him – was indeed a startling, saddening thought. Benjamin still could recall a time when everything Julian had wanted to do was impress his commanding officer. He had seen him as some sort of mentor, as some sort of ideal of a Starfleet officer. Seeing the young man now so frightened and horrified by his mere presence that he was actually more willing to hurt himself than to face his horror was more than scaring a thought… It was as if Telac had not only inflicted wounds on Julian – but also indirectly on everybody who once had been close to the young man.
"He's traumatized, Benjamin. It's not his choice, after all. At least not his deliberate. You should talk to him. I'd guess there's a lot to get worked out between you two…"
Staring down the corridor, down the same direction Julian had vanished into only moments before, he knew that she was right. They had to do something.
"If we wait too long…" Jazida started solemnly.
"…it might be too late." Sisko nodded, straightening his uniform as he squared his shoulders for what was to come.
"It's not that he doesn't want to be back home," the young Trill said. "He does. I can see it every time he looks at me, at anything that reminds him of what he had been before. But he's also afraid, cause he won't fit in any longer. And there's you…"
"So he runs away. Even if that means death." Sisko's voice was carrying a slight tint of disappointment.
"You shouldn't blame him, Benjamin. Running away was everything that has kept him alive so far…"
Sisko hurriedly shook his head. "I could never blame him, Old Man. And I would never even dare. But it's just that it's not like Julian. Not like our Julian. Our Dr. Julian Bashir would never run away, he'd stand his ground and face his problems, no matter how dire the circumstances. At least I've always seen him like this. Julian just isn't the type to become as distracted and unpredictable as he is now."
Squeezing his shoulder, Dax managed a weak smile. "It is our Julian. His passion and zeal, his youthfulness and naivete, it's still there." Her smile dropped when she lowered her gaze. "But it's turned into the wrong direction. It's all directed at himself, that's why he almost collapses under the pressure that's lasting on him right now. It's because of his righteousness and naivete that he can't cope with his world – his entire life – having been beaten and twisted against him."
He looked at her, taking in her words as he added his own thoughts to her point of view. But it made sense. And if he had been the decisive point in Julian's ordeal – so perhaps that meant that he was able to bring him a step further back to his old life – towards life anyway. Perhaps he was able to change things. If not he, who else? And when there was one person under such experiences who was reasonable enough to understand what he had to say, it was Julian…
"You're right. The sooner we get it over, the better."
Julian was cowering on the couch, both legs drawn to his chest, his arms clutched tightly around them. His breath came still ragged and chopped but at least the rushing blood in his ears had subsided to a somewhat bearable degree, making it for the first time possible to actually hear things again…
One thing was John's worried but muffled voice through the thick layer of the door, though Julian tried to ignore it the best he could. At least John didn't have any access to his quarters. He didn't despise of any security code to override the door block… That still left him a few minutes before security would come rushing in, alarmed by either the young engineer or Sisko and Dax. To his luck, Lieutenant Sharun hadn't been there when he so unexpectedly came back – that just left John outside, shouting in distress and begging Julian to open the door. Every wild knock on the door made the young doctor's heart tighten further.
It was too much for Julian.
Grabbing one of the cushions at random he frantically threw it across the door, aiming at the imaginary John at the other side of the metal layer.
He wanted to scream, to shout at them to leave him alone, to shout at them that he didn't need any of their intrusions, that he never wanted to see any of them again. He wanted to shout at Telac, to hurt that bastard as deeply as he had hurt him. To yell at Sisko and Dax that they never even ought to near or touch him again. He wanted to burst into tears, to break down onto the floor and weep as he had never wept before.
But still it was impossible for the terror of having met Sisko kept his mind and body in insurmountable paralysis. He couldn't move, couldn't let out the feelings that he had kept keyed up inside his heart ever since his will, his very being had been so easily broken. It was impossible to voice his thoughts, more so to vent his anger and hatred – because deep down in his heart he knew that the anger was mislead. It was him, and only him, who had once taken the wrong decision. It had been him who had not been able to stop a crisis from developing. It had been him who was accountable for everything that had followed…
More than ever he wanted to end it. Even if it meant ending his very life.
When the door chime finally resounded from the dark walls of his silent quarters, he didn't care to answer. Still not moving from the spot on the couch his body tensed, though he knew in the same instant that he was absolutely helpless if anybody decided to override the security code and come in.
He was helpless… again…
Julian no longer heard John's irritated voice – but commands being pushed into the tiny device controlling access to his quarters.
When the door all of a sudden whooshed open, simultaneously revealing the towering figure behind, Julian held his breath, wishing desperately to die at the very spot he sat on.
Sisko.
Julian sat up at once, not taking his dilated eyes of the man who was now filling the doorway. Every muscle, every fiber of his paralyzed body was urging him to run away, though his legs just wouldn't obey. He couldn't move. Panting heavily for breath, Julian was on the verge of panicking again.
And then he came nearer, driving Bashir to jump up in a moment's notice and stumble behind one of the chairs next to the couch. At least he had something between them. Something to hide. Something to protect him from the phantom of his deadliest nightmare. Never missing a single movement the captain made, Bashir watched him like a trapped rabbit in front of a snake.
"Julian, we need to talk."
Sisko stopped some meters away, obviously aware that his mere presence was almost driving the young man mad.
"No," Bashir yelled uncontrolled.
Sisko didn't let himself be distracted by Julian's obvious refusal and continued: "I know what happened, Julian." His voice was mild and sympatric, even carrying a slight tint of sadness. "I know why you keep avoiding me, why you ran away in the corridor. I know what Telac did to you, how he's abused you for his own plans and I'm also aware of what you're planning to do. We have to talk about it."
Shaking his head in short staccato movements, Julian kept his voice low, finally finding enough courage to speak up. His hoarse whisper came out as a threatening stab, carrying much of his inner hatred he tried so desperately to hold back. "You don't know anything, Captain. You never were there. You don't know what happened. No one does. You can't tell me you understand. Because you don't."
"You're right, I wasn't there. I never went through the things you did; but I know what I saw and I won't let Telac destroy the man we've been looking for for over three months. We never gave up hope to find you alive, Julian. And finally we found you. We even managed to bring you back home. I don't want to lose you now – I don't want to give up on you – because of what Telac did to you."
"He didn't do anything!" Julian almost shouted, incredulous about what he heard from Sisko. It was mad. Sisko so apparently concerned for his well being. After all what happened. Why couldn't he see? Why could none of them see it? "I did it! It was me who did it!"
Sisko could see Bashir's hunched shoulders, his face distorted with hot fury as he kept glaring at the older man.
"That's not true, and you know it! You didn't do anything, Julian. You were never even able to because you never had any choice. Telac forced you to help his plans. He tortured you, Julian; no one would ever expect you to withstand his torment against all rationality. You didn't have any alternative left. Agreeing to help Telac had been the only way for you to survive."
"That's not it!" The young man backed up another meter, shaking violently. Sisko couldn't recall a time when Bashir had ever been so furious before. Dax had been right, seeing the once so rational Bashir like this was more than scaring…
"That's not the point! I killed you! Telac told me to murder my commanding officer, and I did it! It's perverse! No sentient being would have killed an innocent man!" The words sputtered out before Bashir was actually aware of what he was saying. But it was exactly how he felt inside.
"You forget an important point, Julian," Sisko said calmly, not willing to let Bashir go on any further. He had to stop him here and now. Stop him from destroying himself by his distorted, forced view of reality. He knew from his conversation with O'Brien and John that the young man hadn't told the whole story, what had really happened in Telac's captivity – or at least was ignoring the essential part of it.
"You blame yourself for having murdered me – even if it hadn't been reality –…"
"It had been real! For me it had been damn real and if it had happened in reality I would have done the same!" Julian interrupted, barely able to keep himself under control. He tried to fight it back, to fight his emotions back – but the flood of despair and disdain was overwhelming.
"…but do you recall the reason for obeying the order?" Sisko finished the sentence.
Julian just shook his head incredulously, his shoulders still shaking with barely subdued rage. Lost for words in the face of such ignorance, he couldn't answer.
"Was it because Telac tortured you? Because you couldn't endure the torment and concomitant pain any longer?"
Bashir slowly shook his head in pure contempt, attempting to hold himself under control. He still couldn't bring forth a single word.
"Was it because you suddenly realized that giving in to Telac's order would spare you from further torture and finally from death?"
Again Bashir shook his head.
"What was it then that made you obey Telac's order and kill me?" Sisko asked calmly not in the least intending to reproach Julian for what he had done, though speaking about his own death was fairly odd.
The young man didn't move as his gaze fell involuntarily towards the floor, clearly showing Sisko that he had finally come through to Julian. He was still standing motionless in some distance – though his temper seemed to have dropped remarkably.
"He would have killed other people," the young man whispered reluctantly and hoarsely under his breath, his face contorted with pain as if he were still in that room with Telac. Sisko almost thought Bashir would leave it with that until he followed up at length: "He would have killed other innocent people until I'd finally obey his wishes..." Bashir's voice nearly broke.
Suppressing the urge to near Julian any more, Sisko let out a long, sad sigh. "So you did it, because you didn't want other people to die?" he asked gently.
Bashir didn't give any answer, but Sisko knew that he was right.
"You killed one single man, you destroyed one life to save uncountable others. You sacrificed my life in order to prevent further murder," the captain stated, not taking his eyes off Julian, who had become ever more retreated and silent during the past few minutes.
"It was the only thing I could do," Bashir finally managed barely audible, not facing the captain as he awkwardly wiped away the tears that had come filling his eyes ever since Sisko had made him recall events he had long ago tried to forget.
"You didn't do anything, Julian. Not in every situation there's a right or wrong. You did your best to save as many lives you could. You're a doctor, Julian, you sought to keep the damage to a minimum, you did the only thing that prevented further harm from being done."
"I'm sorry," Bashir managed, wiping again with his sleeve over his eyes, "but that's just one way to look at it. The other is, that I'm a monster, a sentient being capable to murder in cold blood. I never thought I could do something like that. I'm a monster, that's the truth you're trying to hide, Captain. You don't even seem to realize what I was saying."
He suddenly looked up, facing the captain with eyes filled with desperate tears, his look so battered and hopeless that it stabbed through Sisko's very heart. "I killed you. How could I ever forget what I did? It was you I murdered. It was your life I destroyed. And you don't even seem to care, telling me that none of it had ever happened. But if it had been real, if it had really been you in that cellar – I'd have done the same. I'd have killed you with all my consciousness, deliberately, knowing that it was you whose life I took."
And all of a sudden he seemed to have lost every strength left, his gaze dropping yet again ashamed towards the floor, as the heated fire in his eyes vanished, leaving behind an emptiness that made Sisko involuntarily wince. It was in that instant that he knew that he was nearly about to lose Julian forever.
Without another word, he loosened the phaser from the spot on his hip, quickly tapping the white buttons on its top. And then he offered it to Julian.
The young man flinched when Sisko neared him far enough for Bashir to take the gray weapon he was presented. Hesitantly the young man took it without comment, holding it loosely in one hand in front of his abdomen as if not quite sure what to do with it.
"If you really want to end it, Julian, I'll give you the chance to do it now," Sisko said in a stern voice, only eliciting a confused, anxious look from the young man.
"It's set to kill, you just have to trigger it."
Before Julian could respond anything, the captain already spoke up again. "But before you kill yourself, I want you to shoot me as well."
Startled, Julian cocked up his head, staring at his commanding officer in bewilderment.
"You told me you could not live with the guilt of having sacrificed the life of an innocent man. You want to bring it to an end, so shoot me, too, for neither can I."
Julian shook his head in confusion. "I…"
The captain didn't let him finish though. "When Telac ordered me to give him the data he needed in order to complete his bomb for the wormhole, he also threatened to use you to make us talk. He made me unmistakably realize that he would keep hurting you until I'd finally agree to provide the data. But I couldn't give it to him. I knew that the existence of a whole species was at stake – not to mention the link between the Alpha and Gamma Quadrant. I couldn't give Telac the data, and I instructed Chief O'Brien and Lieutenant Dax not to cooperate, no matter how Telac would use you to make them talk."
Sisko's voice grew milder. "I knew what Telac would do to you, but still I couldn't risk letting him finish his bomb. Even if this decision meant losing you, Julian."
He could see Bashir struggling for words, his shaky hands still clutching the phaser, though Sisko was sure his words had the expected impact on the young man.
"Making this decision wasn't easy for me, Julian, but I tried to save as many lives I could. There was no alternative of good and bad, of making the right or wrong decision. If I had given Telac the data he needed, I'd have doomed the future of our quadrants, as well as the existence of the prophets. But you would have been save. By withholding it from Telac I saved hundreds of lives, but I had to sacrifice yours. I tried to keep the damage to a minimum, tried to save as many people as I could. I forsake you, Julian, but I have to live with that decision. Even if you're save now, nobody could have granted that things would eventually turn out like this. Sometimes we have to make decisions where every path we take means to lose – but still we have to make our choice – and live with that decision."
It was all too much for Julian.
Letting the phaser carelessly drop to the ground he numbly stumbled back, hitting the wall with his back and subsequently gliding down on it. With his face burried into his hands, he seemed so lost to Sisko. So fragile.
"I… I can't go back," he whispered after what seemed an eternity – and it almost sounded like a helpless plea.
Not nearing the young man, Sisko kept standing in the middle of the room.
"No you can't," he firmly said. Then his voice grew mild, even sympatric. "But you can go on."
Rising his head, Julian willed himself to look up to the man he dreaded so much. The man he once had so easily betrayed. Taking in his firm expression, he could see, that Sisko was right. That Sisko had to be right. There was no way back, he would never be able to resume where he had left off… But perhaps – perhaps there was the tiny, puny chance that he could go on, as Sisko had said. Perhaps he could try and find his place again, try to start from a new beginning, try not to make the same mistakes again… It was almost like a salvaging hand reaching out to him, Julian just had to grab it.
Something deep within his heart was hesitating, telling him that it was senseless, that he was unworthy of life, that he didn't even deserve being back home. But still there was a quiet voice, urging him to take that hand, to leave the darkness of the abyss he was about to lose himself in for ever.
And then he saw her.
She was sitting on the couch, her feet dangling towards the ground as she leaned back and watched him with silent blue eyes. Her blonde hair welling down her shoulders, she turned her head to face him, making him wince with the sadness he saw in her expression. She didn't move, just kept watching him – and his reaction – intently as he sat on the floor.
He knew she wasn't real – at least not her appearance now. But somehow her mere presence was comforting in a certain way, reminding Julian of the day some months ago when he had almost given up. He had almost cracked under Telac's torture but she had helped him to persevere. He didn't know why she was there – most likely he was hallucinating due to the stark mental pressure, he realized – but nonetheless he somehow started to relax far enough not to jump up and run away like he had done so many previous times.
He directed his timorous gaze back on Sisko, feeling the heavy, crushing weigh on his chest, the wistfulness to be back home, to be back in warmth and security. And the gentle voice in his mind made him finally make a decision.
Trying to slowly scramble to his feet, Julian braced himself against the wall. Noticing the shadow over him he flinched, then looked up and saw Sisko lend his hand to haul him to his feet. Hesitantly Julian clamped down on the flutter of panic – and took it.
However, he didn't face the captain as they stood side by side, nor did he show any other sign of elation, keeping silent until Sisko finally nodded.
"So this means I don't have to keep assigning security guards to your quarters?"
He almost feared Bashir could change his mind in the eleventh hour, but then the young man slowly shook his head. His voice was quiet, barely more than a whisper. "No, Sir."
"I won't say that everything's going to be alright. It won't. And it will take some time getting used to. But still you're not alone. You have friends and we'll try our best to help you getting through it."
Julian nodded, then lifted his gaze reluctantly far enough to meet Sisko's eyes.
"I… suppose I still have to go to the meetings with Counselor Telnorri…"
"I'm sorry you are. At least until he'll file a recommendation report pronouncing you psychically healthy to resume your official duty."
Sisko saw the young man nod again. He didn't look very convinced yet, still too calm and passive after the sudden initial fire had once again died down. He might have dragged Julian back from the verge of committing suicide, but there was still a long way for him to go to come back to normalcy. However, for the time being Sisko was glad with the achievement. It was more than he could have hoped for… They could build upon this foundation.
"I'll have Dax fix a new time with the Counselor then," the captain said empathically, squeezing lightly Julian's shoulder.
When the young man didn't answer but kept looking out of the viewport, Sisko squared his shoulders. Perhaps – only perhaps – they still had the chance of getting Julian back. It was a small, quick thought, but Sisko couldn't help believing in it in that very moment. Hope. It had been hope that had helped Bashir persevere long enough for them to find him. Perhaps now, hope could create yet another miracle they so desperately longed for.
"I'll go then and tell Mr. Sharun that he can report back to Odo…", Sisko said after a pause, gently padding Bashir's shoulder before he took a deep breath and reluctantly turned to leave the quarters. He knew that Julian needed to be alone…
"If you need something, if you need somebody to talk to… you know where to find me…."
Before he left, Sisko turned one more time. "It's good to have you back, Julian."
It was not until the door whooshed closed behind the captain, that Bashir actually moved. Inhaling deeply he let himself sink to the ground the very spot he stood on, drawing both knees tightly to his chest and laying his head tiredly on top of them.
He didn't know what to think, what to believe, how to feel. He didn't know if he actually wanted to feel anything at all.
Forgiveness.
Somehow it didn't feel as one would expect. But things never turn out to be as one had imagined, did they?
…It's good to have you back, Julian…
…It's good to have you back…