Hidden Memories - Chapter 9

"I don't think it's a good idea, Benjamin."

Pacing to and fro in front of the cell, she took one hand to her temple, gently rubbing her forehead as she let out a long sight. She still felt exhausted from the last hours, the mental stress and the shock about Julian's sudden and violent outburst that had lead to a considerably great furore on the promenade. If she just hadn't precipitated things. She just couldn't stop scolding herself…

"I don't like it either, Old Man, but at the moment it's the best for all of us," Sisko shook his head. "He shouldn't be alone when he wakes up, though."

Nodding, Jadzia straightened, casting a short glance at his sunken down figure, before she turned once more toward the captain. "I'll stay. Just tell Odo to turn off the force field when you leave…"

"And you're sure you don't want any security guards in there?" Sisko's frown deepened.

"It's Julian, Benjamin, he won't hurt me." Somehow she felt the urge to defend the young man. He hadn't done anything wrong. She still didn't know what it was that had made him act like he had, but there had to be a reason for it.

"I hope you're right, Dax. It's just… startling to see him in such an aggressive way. I thought he was on the mend. After all we talked about I thought that at least he were stable. Even Telnorri's reports read that he's very keyed up, perhaps also too calm, but nonetheless he's not described as aggressive. I just can't think of a reason that made him lose control like that."

Sisko was honest. When he received word from Constable Odo telling him Bashir was held in pendant custody, he had been shocked at first. He would have never expected the young man act in such a violent way, not after what he had seen when he had been able to convince Bashir not to commit suicide. Julian was held in custody now, not because anybody would even consider reproach him for what he had done, but to prevent him from doing further harm to himself. Dax had told him how much Bashir had come to dislike his former infirmary, so the Counselor had suggested that custody was the lesser evil in Julian's present condition. However, he wasn't glad about how things turned out. But there wasn't actually anything he could do about the situation either. No matter how much he wanted to help Bashir, the current events were evidently surpassing his capability of help…

"I'll have Counselor Telnorri talk to him, anyway. Just keep an eye on him until we know if he's calmed down. If there's any news, let me know immediately."

Dax smiled weakly. "I'll see to that."

With another worried glance towards the cell, Sisko finally nodded, leaving the holding area and heading for Odo's office.

It didn't take long until the force field was gone, allowing Dax to step over the threshold and making her involuntarily wince when she heard it reactivate behind her back. She didn't care too much though, moving over to the palletwhere Julian's still unconscious body lay.

He seemed so peaceful while asleep, so unlike what she had seen back in Quark's. His breath came even and deep, his chest rising and falling ever so slightly. Gently stroking his hair, she felt the tears sting in her eyes.

"I'm damn not ok. How should I? I've been shot upon, captured, tortured, broken, mentally abused, driven to the verge of deathwish! I've been made betray everything I believed in, I've been made kill innocent people, I've been made living though I wished to die! I'm damn not ok!"

It had been a desperate cry for help. Julian stood with his back to the wall, there wasn't much to go. She had heard the whole story from John; how Telac had tortured Julian to help his plans, how Julian had opposed almost to death, how he had been broken by Telac all the same… She could hardly believe that a single person could suffer so much woe without cracking. She didn't know how Julian had managed to survive though she knew one thing for sure.

She would lose him again.

Fate had granted them another chance, had given them back their CMO and this time they would do everything not to lose him again.

Huddled up in one of the dark corners, he was waiting, his heartbeat so fast that he feared his chest would be torn apart. He felt short of breath, almost about to asphyxiate. The air was so sharp and stale, so crushing and toxic, he knew he was about to die. Knew it.

And then there was a voice. Barely audible at first, though it grew louder with every second, making him shiver with cold and fear. Still huddled up, he crouched even farther into the corner, covering his ears with his trembling arms, desperately wishing him far away. But the voice was still there, poisonous words penetrating his mind as he desperately tried to shut it out.

"You can't hide, Julian. I know you're there…"

He almost choked, trying frantically to scramble to his feet. He didn't know where the voice came from, didn't even care. He just wanted to be save. He didn't want to suffer any more. He didn't want more pain. Hitting something solid in the dark, he was tossed to the ground again, his eyes strained with the futile effort to see in the engulfing dimness.

"There's no point in running away, Julian."

The voice seemed nearer now, somewhere to his right; he could even feel its breath brushing against his cheek. He involuntarily let out a cry.

Again he hastily stumbled to his feet, fumbling with both hands in the dark.

There had to be an exit. Some sort of door. There had to be! Had to be!

"You know you can't go back, don't you?"

Crying out again, Julian lashed out in the dark. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"

And all at once the lights went on – stabbing, blinding, merciless stinging lights, sending a sharp pain through his unadjusted eyes that had been in the dark too long, making him throw up both arms for cover.

"Julian, my boy…"

He hated that voice. Hated it. Hated it!

Then his arms were gripped and painfully distorted behind his back. Letting out another cry of surprise, Julian opened his eyes – just to be violently slapped across the face. He didn't yell this time, though.

"Let me go!"

Another slap.

"This is not real! This is damn not real!" Julian shouted. "None of this!"

And then a familiar figure appeared in front of him.

"Isn't it, Julian?" O'Brien said. "We were worried about you. You don't seem capable of discerning dream and reality."

"Julian, Julian, I though you were a bit tougher." Julian's heart skipped some beats when he finally saw the owner of the disembodied voice, dredging up every bit of fear he could put forth.

"NO! This is not real!"

Darkness again. A cold and sweaty finger brushing over his cheek.

Julian nearly heaved.

"Let me go, let me go!" Almost crying he stumbled forward, flailing out wildly, barely able to keep his mind.

And from one moment to the other darkness was gone and he was standing on ops, facing Sisko and the others as he desperately tried to bring something forth.

"Nice to have you back, Julian," Dax said, clapping her hands, smirking as she watched him jeeringly.

"You're assigned to warp core repairing," Sisko coldly said, thrusting a simple padd at him.

Grabbing the Padd, Julian flinched. "What … but I …"

"Chief, make sure the warp core deflector functions faultlessly." And turning to Julian he flashed a conciliatory smile. "We don't want any unexpected accidents, do we?"

"You should have stayed behind, Doctor, you're bringing nothing but trouble," Quark snarled.

"I…I'm not…" Julian started but was knocked off his feet as the station shook with a sudden impact.

"Four Jem'Hadar vessels have just decloaked 600 meters out to the station," Dax shouted.

He didn't even have the chance of taking a look at the viewscreen, when Sisko already flew at him. "It's your fault, Julian! You shouldn't have come back! We don't need any murderer on the station!"

The sudden jolt send him fly backwards, his back hitting the stairs that lead to the captain's office.

"It's a pity, they didn't shoot your shuttle when they had the chance to," Quark snarled into his ears, making Julian's vision blur with desperate tears.

"You see how much they want you back?"

Telac's voice again.

"You've lost your place among them many months ago. You don't even deserve being in Starfleet."

Not caring about Sisko or the others, Julian rolled to one side, furling up as he buried his head under his trembling arms.

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"You're mine, Julian. I broke you and now you're mine forever," the voice whispered relentlessly.

Not holding back the burning tears, Julian shook with torment.

"Make it stop! Make it…"

"…stop!"

Julian woke with a start, panting heavily as he hastily sat up – and almost fell from the pallet. Entwining his abdomen with both arms he immediately doubled over, swaying gently until his chopped coughing lessened and the last clouds of the nightmare started to fade away. Eyes shut against the bright light of the holding cell, the young man burried his face involuntarily between his folded arms.

"Julian, you're alright?"

Jerking up, he saw Dax nearing him cautiously, taking seat at the far end of the pallet.

"A nightmare?" she softly asked.

He couldn't bring forth a single word, still too shocked with what had just happened. Eyes large with fear, he only nodded reluctantly, hoping for her to let the topic fall. Casting a frightened glance around, he flinched.

"Where… where am I?" His still unsteady voice sounded almost like a plea.

"We're … After what happened Captain Sisko and I thought it best to keep you from any other harm."

Julian didn't look too convinced. She couldn't tell if he was still in shock from what he had seen in the dream or if he was just beginning to cool once again down to the previous level of calmness. His wary gaze wandered toward the flickering force field, his arms still clutched around his abdomen. She could see his shoulders tremble as his face drew yet again into a faint grimace.

"Can… I mean," he stammered, "…may I get out?"

Shaking her head, she cautiously reached for his hand, though he pulled it abruptly back before she could touch him.

"I'm sorry, Julian, it's only to your best."

She almost expected another outburst like that in Quark's, though Bashir stayed surprisingly calm. "I see," he whispered, casting his gaze to the floor.

"We don't want to hold you in this cell forever, Julian. Just as long as to make sure you're on the mend."

His shoulders hunched, he didn't face her. "I'm fine. I've been in worse situations, after all."

It scared her to hear him talk like that. And the worst thing was, he really didn't seem to care. Julian was just sitting there, leaning against the cool metal wall, trying to get his heartbeat back under control. Eyes closed against the bright light of the holding cell, his breath gradually came in regular intervals.

"I'm sorry, for what happened in Quark's," Jadzia finally started. "I wanted to bring you back to your normal life, but I shouldn't have precipitated things."

"Doesn't matter," Julian sighed at length, opening his eyes and staring to the ceiling. The once so heated emotions had entirely vanished, leaving nothing behind but sad emptiness in his gaze. Jadzia couldn't recall a time when she had ever before seen Bashir that resigned and lost. He might not let it show in front of others – but she knew that he was badly shaken. After all he had gone trough, after all that had been done to him, perhaps they had ultimately reached the point when they had finally lost him for ever…

"Well, it does, Julian." She tried not to think about it any further. As long as he was sitting in front of her – alive – she wouldn't give up. She would never give up that easily again…

There was a long silence before the young man spoke up at length.

"It doesn't for I'll resign anyway."

Jadzia sat up a this, knitting the brows. "You can't be serious."

"I am. I'll file a formal request as soon as I'm on duty again." Bashir's voice remained calm and decided, making the young Trill realize that he really was serious. She knew this tone and she also knew that he had probably already made up his mind.

"Julian, with all due respect, but this in no decision you should make in your present condition."

He looked up, not sure how to take her last statement. It reminded her of his former self, of his professionalism as a doctor. He was so dead serious, so dediced that she couldn't help but wince at the smiliarity of the situation.

"I'm very well aware of the consequences, Jadzia. I've been thinking about it ever since I got back to the station." Hesitating a short moment, he rubbed his eyes. "The truth is, I don't want to be a doctor any longer."

"How can you say that?"

Startled, Julian looked her straight into the eye. "I don't want to be a doctor any longer, for I haven't proven to be a very good one in the past. I broke our job's main principle. I think that's reason enough."

"You know that's not true, Julian. You're distorting reality," the young Trill simply said, not severing eye contact.

"I'm not the one who's distorting reality. You are. All of you." He didn't say it offensively or aggressively, just in a neutral matter-of-fact tone – scaring Dax even more.

"Julian, listen to me, ever since we rescued you from Felan III you keep reproaching yourself, you reject our help, you draw back to yourself for no one to reach you. And now you're telling me you want to resign! What happened is not your fault, Julian! I know you. I know what a zealous, righteous, passionate and conscientious person you are. Being a doctor is everything you ever wanted – and you saved so many lives. You didn't betray your principles, Julian, you didn't have a choice. You chose the path that saved as many lives as possible, even if it meant to sacrifice the life of a single man."

His mouth twisted in agony. "But do I have the right to decide who's worthy to live and who not? I'm no god, Jadzia. I've sworn an oath to protect life and the truth is that I betrayed that oath. Even if you tell me I was right, that I didn't have another choice. It's I who can't forgive myself, don't you see? I would never be able to carry on as if nothing had ever happened."

She had forgotten how good he was at it. Hauling himself over the coals. He might be indulging and understanding with others, though he was totally lacking of the ability when it came to himself. At least now she was speaking to his old self, even if his view might still be too contorted by the trauma he had suffered.

"So you'll give up and Telac wins." Jadzia's voice was icy.

She could see him flinch at the mentioning of Telac's name, though he still kept his composure. He even seemed calmer than before.

"Telac doesn't win, Jadzia, he has already won." Bashir didn't even blink.

Staring numbly at the broken young man in front of her, Jadzia couldn't help but loathe the man who had hurt Julian so deeply. He didn't even seem to care much, the fire she had witnessed back in Quark's yesterday evening burned down, leaving behind only apathy and indifference. It was so very different from what he had been in Sisko's presence, from what he had been when he had shouted at them, when he had so suddenly acted in a totally different way than he had for the last days. It was as if she was speaking to a perfectly different person now…

And suddenly and without forewarn she started to realize what she had not been able to see ever since they had tried to get Julian back. None of them had. Neither Sisko, nor O'Brien, nor Kira, not even Counselor Telnorri.

It was so simple a thought that she couldn't grasp its full meaning at the first time. But it made sense. A stunning, scaring yet logical sense.

Julian had been reproaching himself for what he had done, he hated himself for having killed an innocent man. He was even so shaken to the ground as to give up the most important thing in his life: His profession as a doctor. Julian was destroying himself, hurting himself by clinging desperately to the formidable murder he had committed.

But the truth was that he couldn't cope with his own weakness. He couldn't cope with the fact that he had been broken, that he had been the victim, not Sisko, not O'Brien or anyone else. Julian had been broken by Telac, had been so profoundly hurt that he now frantically tried to twist the truth – switching the role of the victim to that of the committer. He didn't want to realize that it had been him who had been violated. He was so utterly ashamed of his own weakness that he would rather condemn himself than accept the truth…

Finding enough courage to speak up again, she resisted the urge to touch Julian. She had to try and help him. At least now she started to understand what was going on inside of him, why they hadn't been able to reach him before. Slowly grasping the real depth of the damage Telac had so sadistically inflicted on him, she felt a cold shiver run down her spine. Inhaling deeply, she tried to concentrate on what she had to do now.

"How can you say that? How can you say that Telac's already won?" she mildly tried, shaking her head.

"Because it's true?" Julian asked back impatiently.

"You're here, Julian. Telac hasn't won because you're still here. You prevented him from finishing his bomb, he didn't even succeed his plans. You're no longer a prisoner," the young Trill said sympathetically.

"I am!" Bashir slightly raised his voice, gesturing vaguely around and indicating the force field.

"That's not the same," Jadzia held.

"It damn is." She could see how hard Julian was struggling to keep his voice low. It was the second time, she realized, that his composure was slipping. So she was finally getting somewhere…

"You're not a prisoner, Julian. You're in pending custody until we know for sure that you've calmed down."

"I am very calm, Lieutenant!"

"You don't seem to understand, Julian. We're not trying to hurt you, we're trying to help you."

"I do understand, I'm no fool. And don't you call me Julian again. I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help. Can't you see?"

With that he almost jumped up, walking over to the force field in a way that made Dax afraid he would actually hit the energy field and hurt himself. However, he just kept standing there, doubling up his fists – glaring furiously at her with an anger she didn't know where it so suddenly came from.

"I don't need anybody's help, so stop indulging me! I don't damn need you to treat me like a child!"

She was not sure if urging him to remember farther would be a good idea, but she also realized that their conversation was taking the right direction. There wasn't much to lose, was there? They couldn't go on like they had during the last two weeks and now she had the chance to change things. She needed to reach him, to get through the barrier he had ever since been hiding behind.

"Nobody's treating you like a child," she retorted calmly, careful not to upset him by using his given name. "It's just because everyone is worried about you. We don't want to lose you again for we are glad to have you back."

He grimaced. "Stop telling me lies, Lieutenant. I've got eyes of my own. You can hardly call your behavior glad. The truth is you're afraid of me, why else putting me into a cell?"

Sadly shaking her head, she stood up, too. "You're so good at twisting the truth."

"I'm not twisting truth! It's you who can't see it!" Julian finally shouted, unable to uphold his composure any second longer.

"What is it I can't see?" Dax, too, was raising her voice, matching his aggressive tone.

"I murdered an innocent man, Lieutenant!" he shouted, too incensed with rage to care much about security or anybody eavesdropping.

"You know that's not true!" she spoke up. "But you keep insisting on it to chastise yourself!"

"Chastise myself! I've been tortured more than you can even imagine. I don't need to chastise myself!" He forcefully hit the bulkhead, ignoring the sudden pain flaring up his wrist. "I don't need your help! I don't need anybody's help!"

"You do!" she insisted.

"No! You don't understand! I just wish I had died in Telac's captivity!"

Decideldy stepping in front of him, Jadzia all of a sudden and without forewarn raised her hand, slapping him across the face as hard as she could, sending Julian's head flying to the left. "Don't you ever dare say that again!" she shouted in rage.

More perplexed than furious about the Trill's sudden action, the young man stumbled backwards. One hand on his throbbing cheek, he stared at her with a mixture of anger and disbelief.

"I never want to hear that again!" the young Trill shouted again, hoping she could find enough courage to do what she had to. She had to tell him – even if he didn't want to hear it. "I won't let you destroy yourself just because you can't cope with having been the victim."

Stunned by her unexpected words, Julian incredulously shook his head, his eyes slowly widening. "That's insane…"

Closing in on him until her eyes were level with his, she continued: "But that's the truth your trying to twist, Julian. You keep telling me what awful, dreadful deed you've done. You keep wanting me to hate you, to hate you for having killed an innocent man; for having helped Telac's plans and nearly killed a whole race – not to mention the chaos that would have been created if the wormhole had actually been destroyed. You want me to loathe you for what you've done. You even feel nauseated by your own actions. You don't want anybody's pity. You need someone to tell you how bad and wrong your decision was, what a coldblooded monster you are, a monster taking lives as it pleases."

She could see that she had hit the mark, for Julian was literally speechless. Staring incredulously back at her, he seemed as if Jadzia had just revealed his innermost feelings. He wasn't able to bring forth a single word.

"But the truth is, that you've been hurt, more profoundly and gravely than you can admit."

Her voice became soft again, almost sad. "You've been trying to hide it by pretending that it had been you who's the bad guy. But you know that it's not true. You're not the committer, Julian, you're the victim."

"No…" the young man stammered, shaking frantically his head, backing ever further away from her. "I murdered. I gave in to Telac's plans…" His voice grew ever so weak as her words cutted ever so deep. Still he was trying to uphold his truth.

"You didn't give in, Julian, you've been broken…" It hurt so much to tell him that she felt short of breath. Focusing her whole attention on the young doctor, she knew she had to push him further.

"No…" It sounded like a helpless plea. Bashir still didn't move, his eyes widening ever farther, as his mind was searching for a loophole. But there was none. Jadzia was right – and he knew it. "No… I…" Trying hard to fight back the desperate tears, Bashir's gaze dropped ashamedly to the ground. The young man still shook his head, refusing to listen to anything Jadzia threw at him; trying to uphold his defense, as the Trill's words started to coalesce with feelings he had ever since tried to suppress.

"He's used you to obey his maniacal plans. It was him who made you betray the most important thing in your life – and you could do absolutely nothing to stop him. You were completely at his mercy."

"He…he hasn't…" Julian stammered incoherently, though he didn't make it any further when Jadzias firm voice revertebrated yet again from the walls.

"He's abused you, Julian. He has deliberately, sadistically tortured you. He has destroyed your resistance and made you obey every wicked order he gave you."

"No!" Julian desperately cried out, his shoulders shaking violently. The pained plea in his cloudy eyes was stabbing hard through her very heart.

She knew that she had finally made it through to him, though she also knew that she had ultimately reached the limit of how far she would go. There they were. At the very fact Julian had ever since refused to see. She knew that her forcing him painfully realize the truth was almost pushing the young man to his limit. But the hurt and pain she felt at this very moment was of no less intensity.

There was following a long, engulfing silence, each second making her anxiety grow farther that Julian wouldn't respond, that everything she had hoped to accomplish was nothing more than wishful thinking.

But then he did.

His voice dead calm it was barely above a whisper, his gaze still cast downward, though she could tell – no, she knew – that he was there again, that he was reliving yet again the decisive moment of his ordeal...

"I didn't know where I was… He told me about his plans, but…. I knew I couldn't help him… He kept… torturing me… but still I wouldn't give up," he managed reluctantly, his breath growing more and more chopped. He just stood there, shoulders hunched with pain, eyes shut against the devastating truth of reality, the words rushing to the fore without Julian holding them back any longer.

"I knew that I could never get out alone… But I trusted in you… The only reason that held me in life… was that I knew you'd come for me… that Captain Sisko would come for me…"

He almost seemed about to collapse on the very spot he stood on, his face pale and twisted into a faint grimace of pain.

"I…tried to oppose…" he almost sobbed, his voice weak and broken. "I…tried to hold on…but…you never came. I knew someone would come for me… but you never came..." And with the last words he couldn't suppress his tears any longer, burrowing his face into his hands. "It was… a nightmare… I… couldn't wake up and… he didn't… leave me…. a choice…"

He didn't make it any farther. Weeping and sobbing he desperately tried to wipe off the tears, struggling futilely to keep his illusionary world of indifference. A world so detached from everything that had made it possible for him to stumble on through life, forgetting and suppressing the pain and horror he had went through. Forgetting about his friends, about who he really was. Forgetting about the destructive blow of hopelessness when he had been forced to learn what loneliness meant, how fragile a human life was.

Sagging towards the ground, Julian just couldn't stop crying – about his life that had once been robbed from him, about his friends who had never come for his rescue, about a cruelty in life he never had thought that it existed, about the loss of his naivete, about everything that he had so long tried to suppress and ignore. Broken and beaten he cowered on the floor, the stream of desperate tears rolling down his pallid cheeks which didn't even the heated feeling of shame managed to flush. Never before had he felt so lost in his life. Never before had he felt so hurt, ashamed and humiliated - so worthless.

Gasping irregularily for breath he immediately doubled over, coughing slightly under the rush of tears. He just wished to die at the very place he cowered at, breaking under the enormous pressure that had been lasting on him ever since they had brought him back. It was only a few seconds later that he felt her – felt her gentle embracement. And this time he didn't offer any resistance. Letting her gather him up in her arms and draw his head to her shoulder, he just couldn't stop crying, shaking with hurt as he desperately clutched to her.

"It's over, Julian," Jadzia gently whispered, cradling the sobbing young man and stroking his hair, trying to soothe him as best she could.

He didn't give any answer, just clung to her as if she were the last straw he could catch at before being dragged into the dark and drowning abyss beneath – and she didn't let him down. She was there for him, making him let out all the pent-up feelings he had too long tried to fight down.

She was right, he hadn't wanted to see it. His own weakness. His own vulnerableness. He had desperately tried to push it aside, to persuade himself that he had been wrong and that everything had been his fault.

But Jadzia was right. He was so utterly ashamed of having been a victim to Telac's torture, of having been made realize that his own life was worthless, that another man was so easily able to take it away from him that Julian hadn't wanted to face reality. He had run away from it, had hurt himself in order to not feel the hurt Telac's humiliation had done to him – that it was still doing to him. But truth had caught up and now it was crashing down upon him more merciless than he could have ever imagined.

Telac's cruelty, the deception of being left on his own, the fear he had ever since tried to ignore. His entire world had once been forcefully shattered into hundereds of thousands of pieces, each splinter inflicting painful wounds, cutting deeper and deeper.

"I'm sorry, Julian," the young Trill whispered gently. "I'm so sorry there was no one coming for you. I'm sorry that we weren't there for you when you needed us." She felt lost for words, silent tears filling her eyes, as she held the trembling young man. That was the reason why he had tried to avoid meeting people, his very friends. That's why he felt so betrayed, so trustless and lonely, why he had kept refusing their help. Why he had reacted so totally different in their presence, why he had shown that repulsive and angry behaviour as soon as he had to deal with one of them. Not only had his mind been broken – but also his ability to trust...

"I'm so sorry that we weren't there for you. I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through…"

Julian didn't answer. Too deep was the misery that came washing over him – too deep the longing for protection and safety.

He didn't know how long he was sobbing and weeping in her arms. It almost seemed like eternity – but all the time he could hear her soothing, gentle words, could feel the comforting warmth of her body, lulling him into a cocoon of safety and protection he never wanted to leave again. It was so comforting a feeling – the very kind of feeling he had always yearned for so wistfully. The feeling of home and security. The feeling of affection, telling him that he was more than Telac had made him believe to be. That he wasn't unworthy of life…

No matter how much he had forced the feeling down, how great the deception of having been abadonned by his very friends had been – he needed them. In this moment more than ever…

"I'm… sorry…" he finally managed in slurred voice, still more tears running down his wet and sticky cheeks.

"No, Julian, you shouldn't be," she started, but suddenly realized that he wasn't talking about Telac or Sisko. He was talking about letting himself go in front of her eyes…

Hugging him softly, she added in an afterthought: "It's not the first time a young man is lying in my arms and crying his heart out."

Julian faintly looked up at this, his bleary eyes red and swollen.

"I'm a Trill, you forgot? I'd been mother to a son, twice," she tried to offer him her most sympatric smile, hoping silently that it looked more confident than she actually felt. "But I promise, I won't tell anybody."

Julian weakly nodded, inhaling deeply. Slowly dragging himself up from her embrace he started wiping off the last tears with his sleeve. To his surprise, there didn't follow any new ones.

He looked terrible. Cowering on the floor with his face flushed and sticky with the remaining of the tears, he was a miserable sight – though he looked in some degree stable for the first time ever since they had brought him back from Felan III. She knew he hadn't recovered yet, that he still needed help to cope with what he had experienced in captivity. But she knew all the same that they'd made the first step.

Acceptance.

They would be able to build on it.

Sitting silently next to each other Julian drew close his knees, wrapping both arms around them. His cloudy stare was directed absently towards the floor. Some more minutes elapsed in silence until the young man finally spoke up again. When he did, his voice was still slightly unsteady.

"…do you know where he is…?"

She suppressed the urge to ask "who", for she already knew who he was speaking about. Not sure if telling him the truth was a good idea after all what had just happened, she reluctantly shook her head. "They're still investigating."

"I see…" His voice dropped yet again to barely above a whisper. "I… I just can't understand how I could have forgotten all of this. How … I could have forgotten something like this… In all the time I never…"

He didn't finish the sentence, lying his head tiredly on top of his knees. She almost expected him to retreat once again to a place far inside himself, when he suddenly looked up. He futilely tried bring a small smile on his lips.

"…thank you…", he shyly whispered.

Reaching for his hand, she softly squeezed it and offered a genuine smile of relief. "You're welcome, Julian."

And beckoning towards the force field, she added: "I think it's time to go home…"