Hidden Memories - Epilogue

Leaning back, he folded both hands in his lap, drawing in a deep breath. It was still early in the morning. Their meeting was taking place at quite a different hour than usually though it had been himself who had suggested such an early time. He still felt groggy and tired, his head hurting with a slight headache, though Dr. Selaran had said that it was just normal a reaction. After all what had happened…

"And you told me that your sleep has become longer," the elder Bajoran asked in a friendly though concerned tone. He held the PADD casually on top of his knees, never taking his eyes off the young man who was sitting quietly in front of him.

Julian could sense the underlying worry and weariness in the counselors warm and solid voice. Slowly nodding, he threw a quick glance out of the observation window, watched the many small points streak by ever so slowly, his thoughts already about to wander off yet again to this place far far at the other end of the universe. Squinting slightly at the black vastness outside the viewport, he still felt his heart heavy in his chest. Finally tearing his gaze from the hypnotizing sight, he directed his attention back on the other man.

"Sleep isn't as long as it should be, the time which takes me to fall asleep still to long… but in general I'd say, yes, sleep has become better," he admitted gingerly.

"What about the eating disorder?" the Bajoran mildly asked, leaning closer to him as he lay the PADD aside, folding both hands as he propped himself onto his knees.

Julian involuntarily felt the urge to draw away – but overcame it. He knew that the older Bajoran just wanted to help – and that he needed him, no matter his personal feelings. And – talking wasn't actually as bad as he might have thought. At first it had been almost impossible for him, his true feelings keyed up behind the inner wall he had once so frantically tried to uphold. But talking had become easier now. Telling what he was feeling was actually a relief.

"At least I try to eat three times a day," Bashir tried to smile crookedly, nervously glancing at the chronometer next to the Counselor's working station.

The older Bajoran obviously noticed, for he decidedly tapped his PADD and nodded friendly. "She'll be here in a few minutes. I think we should stop here, what do you think?"

Cocking his head up in surprise, Julian agreed with another faint smile, drew himself up and made slowly for the door. Before he left, though, he once more turned. "So, tomorrow morning?"

"Tomorrow morning," the older Bajoran nodded.

Stepping out into the deserted corridor, Julian felt the heavy weigh drop from his chest. He still didn't like meeting Telnorri. Granted, the older Bajoran counselor was a very sympathetic, understanding and friendly person – but still he was a doctor and Julian never had made a good patient, had he?

"Julian!"

Startled by the sudden nearness of the femal voice, the young man whirled around.

"Jadzia..."

"You're already finished?" the young Trill asked casually, though he still got the underlying worry. Quickly shaking his head, Julian tried to offer his most reassuring smile.

"We made it quite far today…" he shrugged apologetically.

"I see," Dax nodded, as both of them started to walk next to each other along the corridor. Bashir still didn't seem as confident as he once had been, still hesitated whenever he rounded another corner as if he expected something unpleasant waiting for him in the dark…

"So how did it go?"

"Besides me not willing to give any answers to Telorri's questions?"

When the young woman suddenly stopped, watching him with a mixture of worry and alarm, he slightly chuckled. "Just a joke. Come on or we'll be late for lunch."

The time they had made it to the promenade, Julian had gained some more confidence. She could tell from the way he was walking next to her, how he was slowly regaining his sense of humour. If not entirely it was at least a beginning. She didn't doubt that he would make it, that he slowly regained what once had been lost inside of him – the progress he had already made during the last week was amazing, anyway. And she couldn't voice how glad she was. Julian now walking next to her was more than a miracle. Her breast heavy with silent tears, she finally stopped, turning to him with a sad but reassuring smile.

"It's good to have you back," she whispered softly as she gently reached for his hand, squeezing it affectionately.

"It's good to be back home," he whispered back – and for the first time it was there again. She couldn't tell how much she had missed that typical smile of his.

"I think there's someone you like to see," she arched a brow, gesturing towards Quark's.

As he took her cue and followed her into the surprisingly quiet Ferengi bar, he couldn't help stopping in astonishment on the threshold of the entrance.

"John…!"

The young engineer was sitting at one of the tables, absently swaying a half-filled cup with one hand, while he watched some of the dabo players who were already occupying the play board in groups of two or three. When he spotted Julian and Jadzia enter the bar, though, he almost immediately jumped up, coming hastily hurrying over to them.

"Julian!"

With only a few steps he had made it down to the entrance, giving the young doctor a brief but heart-felt hug, before he padded his shoulder. "You look good! You don't know how worried I was after the last time we met."

"I'm fine," Julian retorted at length, holding both hands up in defence as if he already suspected his friend not to believe him. "Really."

John seemed to relax at the young doctor's slight chuckle.

"But… why are you wearing that uniform?" Julian asked in astonishment, indicating the grey overalls the former engineer of Velurin wore.

John couldn't suppress a proud smile. "Newly assigned to the Ferregan. It's a Federation research and freighter vessel. I… well I guess, I owe Captain Sisko some favors now," he grinned.

"Wow, I… that's quite a surprise," Julian confessed slightly speechless. "When do you leave?"

Tilting his head to one side, the young engineer's face became serious. "In two days. But until then I've every time I need. I guess there's a lot I ought to prepare myself for. I've never been away from home and me now flying to all those unknown planets – that almost sounds like a dream."

"It surely will be," Dax smiled genuinely.

There was still so much Julian wanted to tell him, so much he needed to let him know. Thinking back of the last months – he could still feel his heart heavy in his chest. And for the first time he started to realize that things could have been even worse. No matter how much woe he had suffered, how painful and devastating Telac's captivity had been – there always had been someone with him, someone caring, someone sharing the cruel fate he had gone through… someone helping him persevere. He had always taken their friendship as granted, but now that he knew what really had happened, now that he knew the real circumstances of his time in Velurin, he didn't know how things would have turned out without John's help and protection.

Standing a short moment silent in front of both of his friends, Julian wondered if it could ever become like before. Looking into Jadzia's friendly, caring face, he knew that perhaps it was possible. It would be a long way – but nevertheless there was the tiny chance that it was actually possible…

"So if you feel hungry, we could as well order something," John suggested enthusiastically, and Jadzia nodded in agreement.

"We planned on eating anyway," she shrugged.

Just before both of them could make their way back to John's table, Julian suddenly hesitated, staying back some steps.

"Jadzia…"

The young Trill stopped at Julian's call, turning. When her quizzical look met the young doctor's he seemed slightly embarrassed.

"What is it, Julian?"

"Do you mind if I won't have lunch with you?"

Casting a confused look at John, the young Trill cautiously shook her head. "Why?"

Julian was obviously searching for words, but then just said: "I just… Well, there's something I want to do…"

"Captain?"

Slightly startled, Benjamin Sisko looked up into his first officer's quizzical face, still rolling his baseball absent-mindedly in his hand. The PADDs still lay scattered across the table's dark surface, most of the displays blank and lifeless.

"Sorry, Major, you were saying?"

The young Bajoran woman shook her head, not trying to hide her slight astonishment. "Nothing too important." They had been talking about security reinforcements… thought the captain seemed most of the time more absent than attentive, never ceasing to keep rolling his baseball in one hand; stroking absently over the balls bulging seam, his mind seemed already far adrift.

"I'm sorry, I was just… distracted."

When Kira was obviously waiting for some kind of statement, he reluctantly continued: "Have you ever been in that kind of situation when you knew that whatever you did, you'd choose the wrong decision?" He didn't look up, just kept staring ahead in front of himself. She couldn't help wondering about the resoluteness she saw in those dark eyes of his.

Keeping silent for a short moment, Kira shook her head at length.

"I guess most of us have been. During the Occupation anyway. There's just not always the difference between good and bad you once were brought up to believe in… and by realizing this – I guess that's one meaning of growing up…"

Sisko nodded, placing his baseball cautiously back onto the holder on top of his desk, then sat up, trying to shake off the absent-minded feeling.

"Somehow we all ought to be glad that those times are seldom – and far in between. You can just pray that you'll never get into one of those situation. And I … just keep wondering if justice really exists, if it's really more than just a human construct," he added in an afterthought.

"I see."

The captain once more squared his shoulders. "Any trace of Telac?"

"No sign of him so far." The major sighed, "though I don't think he'll make it very far. Sooner or later he's bound to be detected by someone… Considering the Federation's interest in Felan III at the moment anyway."

Without any other word, Sisko grabbed one of the PADDs, handing it to her as he drew himself up. "You'll find all the information you need concerning the security matter on the PADD."

Kira took the small device that was offered to her and flicked it over. "I'll discuss it with Odo. Let's see what he has to say." With a short nod she turned and left the office.

No sooner had the door slit shut behind her back that Sisko let out a heavy sigh, straightening absently his uniform. Wordlessly he turned once more toward the large viewport in his back. Stroking with one hand over his beard, he retrieved the small PADD lying on one edge of the captain's table. Flicking it on with one thumb, he stared numbly at the bright green letters in front of him.

Sighing once more inwardly he had to admit that those reports could be far worse. And almost they would have been. Almost…

Reading Telnorri's reports, the older Bajoran counselor seemed pleased and confident with how things were turning out, with how much progress Julian made with every session. He had already recommended that after some weeks, light duty would be a good start; that gradually the young doctor's wounds were beginning to heal; that gradually Julian was coming back to his old self…

Supressing the urge to slamm one fist down onto the table's surface, Sisko inhaled deeply.

"Sometimes we have to make decisions where every path we take means to lose – but still we have to make our choice – and live with that decision."

He had meant those words as he had said them. Even if Julian hadn't known, Sisko had been serious back then.

He had been responsible for everything that had happened. For not having found the young man earlier, for not having been able to prevent his crewmen from being hurt, for not having stopped the madness when he'd once had the chance to…. For having almost destroyed his officer's life in the course of events.

He knew how much Julian had once looked up to him, how great his trust had been.

And Sisko had betrayed that trust. He could only imagine how Julian must have felt… How he must still feel…

It was one of the rare occasions that he hated his post. That he hated the responsibility which was accompanying his very assignment. That he hated being made judge over life and death. That he hated being the Emissary…

But as he once had said, life wasn't the easy game between good and bad one often oversimplified. Sometimes one had to take decisions where every path meant to lose…

He could only hope that Julian would make it. He couldn't imagine another person who could do it if not Bashir. So he kept hoping…

Some time he would regain his trust. Some time he would.

Stepping in front of the door he suddenly hesitated, his hand coming to a halt only inches above the sidepanel's chime. He wasn't at all sure if he should be here, if coming to this place was the right decision after all. Almost automatically straightening his blue shirt, he took in a deep, deliberate breath and tried to calm and tell himself that he had to do it.

He could hear voices behind the door. Clatter and voices, making his uneasiness grow farther, urging him to turn his back on the situation and leave as he had done so often before.

Inhaling once again, he slightly shook his head. He wouldn't run away. Not any more.

Still indecidedly standing in front of the closed metal door, his heartbeat quickened with every minute he kept standing in the deserted corridor. He wanted to, but still – he couldn't. He hadn't figured that it would actually be that difficult. Already about to draw his hand back from the chaim, he took a step backwards.

"Go in."

Startled by the sudden voice behind him, he slowly turned, already expecting Jadzia to stand next to him, who had most likely figured what he intended to do. But as he spotted the actual person now standing a few meters away, he involuntarily furrowed the brow and turned his attention fully on the newcomer in the otherwise deserted corridor.

"Go in," the young girl repeated once again impatently, curling her lower lip. Her intense blue eyes were clear and watchful as ever, her long blonde hair welling in long cascades over her tiny shoulders. She didn't seem hurt, nor was her dress as torn and dirty as he remembered it. Both hands hanging along her sides, she kept watching him.

Reluctantly stepping closer until he was directly in front of her, Julian let himself drop onto his knees, gently reaching for her little hand to take it in his own. Her sight was the sadest and most beautiful at a time.

It took him several seconds before he finally found enough courage to voice his thoughts aloud. To voice what he had carried inside of him ever since their first encounter, ever since they had met months ago in the damp cellar far below the surface in Telac's captivity. Looking back on what happened since then – well, it almost seemed as another life to him.

"Who… are you?" Julian managed in an awkward whisper, stroking her hand affectionately. He felt so bound to the young little girl as if his very heart had been attached to the child's life. It felt as if something deep within was reacting to her sight, making him feel relaxed and – sadly safe.

She seemed yet again impatient, leaning from one foot to the other, tilting her head with a slight smile. "You still don't know?" Her childish manner was so heart warming. He had forgotten how gentle a human soul could be…

Shaking his head, he couldn't take his eyes off the girl's beautiful face. She seemed so fragile, so very like the first time he had met her.

Then – suddenly and without forewarn – she leaned closer, hesitantly putting both arms around his neck. Her hug was so soft and affectionate that he couldn't help embrace her as well. Her head leaning on his shoulder, her voice was loving and warm when she finally spoke.

"I'm your sanity, Julian."

And with another breath she was gone. Julian still knelt halfway on the floor, one arm clung around his own body as the warm and tickling sensation gradually started to fade. Reluctantly he opened his eyes, not sure if he hadn't acutally hallucinated. He knew that he once had. He couldn't even know for sure that the girl had ever been real at all. He had been under extreme mental pressure for such a long time, so perhaps after all what had happened in the last days and weeks…

But being true to himself it didn't even matter.

Scrambling to his feet, he took a last, deep breath before he turned, decidedly stepping again in front of the grey metal door. He still felt anxious and nervous, his heart throbbing palpalbly in his chest. Without another thought he decidedly hit the chaim.

"It's open. Come in," the response almost immediately came.

When the door whoosed open, Julian waited another second – then warily crossed the threshold, poking his head into the room as if not sure if he was welcome anyway.

"Julian…!" the low irish voice made it through the room.

They were having lunch.

Miles O'Brien was sitting with his wife and daughter, eating whatever delicious thing it was that Keiko had conjured up instead of the always monotone artificial replicator dishes. The chief almost immediately jumped to his feet, hurrying over to greet the new and most unexpected guest.

"I'm… sorry to disturb you," Julian quickly apologized as he kept unsure standing in the doorway.

"What… Why, no! Come in!" The chief hurriedly said, his face drawn into a faint grimace of pleasant disbelief.

"I'll fetch another dish," Keiko offered with a genuine smile.

"How… How are you, Julian?" O'Brien asked slightly unsure when he arrived in front of the young man. He wasn't sure what to expect, though Julian seemed a lot better than when he had seen him the last time.

"Fine," Julian managed and spotting the worried look on O'Brien's face, he quickly added frankly: "Well, at least most of the time."

Before the chief was able to say anything in response, Julian spoke already up again.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

Bashir's voice grew serious. "For everything you've done for me."

Even before the young man could say anything further, the chief had already padded him on the shoulder. "You're welcome, Julian."

"Mummy, is Julian having lunch with us?" Molly asked in an excited voice.

"Well… I…" Julian was already answering awkwardly, when the chiefs friendly voice cut in. "Sure he is."

Slightly embarrassed, the young doctor's face drew into a faint grimace, though O'Brien had already caught hold on his arm, dragging him with him.

"You better hurry or your lunch gets cold!"

Space.

The vast darkness was endless. No stars. No light. But still there was a faint glow, emenating from nothing and everything at once. He could feel his own breath losing itself in the vastness ahead, the feeling slowly evoking a creepy sensation deep within his chest. Nevertheless he knew. About everything.

"You're back?"

The disembodied voice seemed to revertebrate from the very inside of his mind. Inhaling deeply, he frowned.

"Where are you?"

Jennifer's face in front of his own, her eyes dark and unfathomable.

"The Sisko is back."

"You knew it, didn't you?" he suddenly frowned, not willing to let himself be tricked into yet another hiding play. "You knew what was to come!"

Another figure appeared out of nothing. Kira.

"What will it change if we did?" Her tone was emotionless and cold.

"It changes everything! You knew what happened and you did nothing to stop it!"

"The Sisko doesn't understand. We did stop it."

"You knew that Dr. Bashir had been there – and what Telac was planning to do! You should have contacted me earlier. Why did you wait until it was almost too late? You used me as your instrument, you sent me to stop Telac from finishing his bomb so that your celestial temple was not distroyed. First you gave me that absolutely undestandable hint of yours and then you forsake me. You forsake my crew! Just to save your own existence. I thought that you were called prophets. Is there anything prophetic about you at all?"

"The Sisko is hurt," Kira stated – it almost seemed as if in astonishment.

"I surely am! I almost lost one of my officers!"

Quark's swollen face.

"Still you don't understand. But one time you will…"

"What is it that I will understand?" Whirling around there was yet again only the vast white that lay ahead, enshrouding him.

"The Sisko more than anyone else knows what pain means. He will understand. Not this time. Not the next time. But in the end he will."

Glaring at them – at the enteties that were so very much determining his own life – he was lost for words.

Jennifer once more stepped in front of him, her beautiful lips forming a faint smile before her figure slowly started to fade.

"For we do not act for purpose. We are the purpose…"

- /- The End - /-

copyright 2005 Mijra