Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, or the Wizard of Oz.

Chapter Fifteen – Xavier's House of Love

Remy turned his head as he heard a noise and picked up a rock, charging it. "Just a cricket or a critter in the trees." He said.

"It's giving me the jitters in the joints around my knees!" Creed suddenly sang happily. Remy was about to turn and pummel the tin man when he realized he had a much larger problem.

Scott began singing as well.

"Oh, I think I see a jijik

And he's fuzzy and he's furry

I haven't got a brain

But I think I ought to worry!"

Remy recharged the rock and was about to blow Scott's face off when Scott began jumping up and down, holding one of his legs.

"Seriously. Like, shut up!" Kitty screamed, blowing out a match. "You'd think these fruits were munchkin girls or something."

Jubes pointed up. "Look like we got company! Jamie clones!" She yelled as they attempted to duck and hide. Remy tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid being swooped up; there were just too many of the clones, and alas! None of them had even a hint of mercy for him.

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Several Hours Later…

Scott looked around an attempted to get up, but couldn't. "Help!"

Creed looked at him and uncaringly asked him what happened.

"They tore my legs off, and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out, and they threw it over there!" Scott cried out.

Logan rested his head on Creed's metal lap and spoke to the ceiling. "Maybe there's enough Scott to go around to all those women now." He sat up. "They sure did knock the stuffings out of you, didn't they?"

Scott seemed panicked. "Don't stand there talking! Put me together! We've got to find Remy!"

Victor Creed and Logan began picking up his body parts. "Now, let' s see -- this goes -- Oh, I wish I were better at puzzles." Creed said, attaching Scott's butt to his shoulders with an evil smile.

Logan grabbed Victor's hand and laughed nervously, then handed Creed one of Scott's limbs. "Wait a minute. This is the left one. He walks bad enough already."

"So, if we attach his ass to his torso, then put his head on top of that, what do we do with his neck?" Creed asked Logan. Scott began to plead with his two friends.

Meanwhile, Remy found himself waking up in a large metal cage. "Remy seen cages like dis. Cheri da stripper used to…MERDE!" He quickly stood up and attempted to escape, realizing that the only way for him to get out would be for someone else to let him out. As he pondered this, he noticed he was barefoot, and a click click click indicated that someone was walking down the hall toward him wearing high heels.

Remy closed his eyes. He didn't want to see.

"What an unexpected pleasure! It's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness." Remy opened his eyes and saw none other than Charles Xavier, clad in nothing but a black, lace thong and a pair of ruby red slippers (1).

"Non! Please jus kill Remy! He don' wanna live no more." Remy said, pleadingly.

"All in good time, my little pretty – all in good time." Xavier went to a table where the broomstick had been laid and picked it up. He sat on it and began riding it around the room in an attempt to seduce Remy, who was cowered in the corner muttering something.

"Antarctica…wish Remy dead…Please do not resuscitate…" He said, in a daze.

"What is wrong, lover?" Xavier said.

"Get your filthy perve hands off him!"

Remy looked up to see his favorite little lesbians, holding knives and swinging them in Xavier's direction. "No means no, you sick old witch!" Jubilee said, throwing the keys to the cage at Remy.

"But…I love him! I want to marry him!" Xavier said to the girls. He looked up at the figure in the door. "Hello Lucifer!" A red devil walked in and picked both of the munchkin girls up. Then, he walked over to Remy's cage.

"Le Diable Blanc? I'm just about sick and tired of people gettin' us confused." Satan got close to Remy's face. "These girl sold me their souls!"

"Y'breath smells like sulfur, mon ami." Remy said. "An' Remy ain' a big fan of it. Don't go over to well with some of da ladies…well, da normal ones at least."

"The next time you impersonate me, or a member of my family, that broomstick is going to be the least of your problems!" Satan said, spinning the pitchfork in the air as he walked out with the munchkins. He took the key from Remy. "I don't have time to deal with you, because these monsters have managed to create the need for a tenth circle of hell, reserved for homosexual (2), murderous, traitors, who also like to do foul things to human bodies with candy. Even Judas was impressed."

The girls smiled. "Yay!"

"Don't worry." Satan said. "Remy will probably be down there with you eventually."

Remy shrugged. "Au revoir, Petites!" They waved at him as Satan walked back out.

Remy sat back in the cage, having his one hope of escape ruined by Satan himself. He was hoping that the other three would somehow find a way to get him free, because, things were not looking good.

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"We have to find Remy!" Scott said, trying to adjust to the fact that his head was up his ass, quite literally. "I have a plan! You are going to lead us, Logan!"

"All right, I'll go in there for Remy -- Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch – guards or no guards -- I'll tear 'em apart." He growled. "I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do." Logan said fiercely.

"What?" Creed asked.

"Talk me out of it!" Logan whined, hiding his face in Creed, who pushed him away.

"Some brainless scarecrow is sending a complete coward to rescue Remy." Creed said. "You are both morons. Step aside." Creed lead them to the side entrance of the witch's castle and swung his ax at the door. He never stopped swinging as his ax demolished the kitchen and everything else in his path.

"I do enjoy a good kill." He said observantly as they made their way through the castle. "I'll miss that, when I have a heart."

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– Yes, in the story, the slippers could only be removed after a person died. But this is my spoof, and I say the rules are different.

– I have nothing against homosexuals, but in Dante's Inferno, where the nine circles of hell are theorized, homosexuality is considered a big no-no.