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Alphabetical Observations of the Titan Kind

Chapter 4: Cyborg

Hey y'all. I'm Cyborg, the strongest member of the Teen Titans.

Huh? Beast Boy said what?

I don't care how strong he says a hippo is! I've got hydraulic arms! Can a hippo bench press a bus? I didn't think so. Besides, how would BB know? He's not exactly pushing the limit when it comes to his IQ. Unless y'all know something I don't. Anyway, I'm Cyborg. I guess you could say I'm the unofficial second in command of the Teen Titans. At least, I have been when Robin's disappeared or gone crazy chasing Slade or whatever. But that doesn't happen that much anymore. If I seem a bit distracted, it's not you, I'm just workin' on my baby. That's the T-car, if you didn't know. Man, I love this car. It's not just a car. It's my baby.

Oh sure, some people (thank you very much BB and Raven) think it's kind of weird to keep pictures of your car in your wallet, but what do those people know? I mean, BB doesn't even realise that the cheese in pizza comes from cows. I'm serious. Just don't tell him, it's one of the only things he'll actually eat with the rest of us. Otherwise he'd try to get us to eat some tofu cheese pizza or some other vegetarian crap. Man, I hate tofu. So what if I've never tried it? It can't be that great if it's BB's favourite food. I'll stick with steak any day; mostly because no one else in the tower eats it that much. Except for Starfire. I don't know where she puts it all, and I don't wanna know. The only reason I can eat so much meat is because I don't have to worry about clogging my arteries (I don't have any). Actually, when I think about the Tamaranian food… even the most disgusting Earth made steak would be better than… that stuff. Is there even such a thing as a Tamaranian steak? I'd ask Starfire, but I'm kind of afraid of what she would end up cooking for me.

You know, it's funny I should be talking about Starfire, because Robin came to talk to me earlier today about her while I was workin' on my baby. Oh sure, he dodged around it a bit, but it was definitely about her. Here's the conversation as recorded by my patented 'Cy-cam' (yes, that's a word):

Cyborg: (singing) Oh yeah, I love my baby, or yes I do, yeah yeah yeah…

Robin: Hey, Cyborg?

Cyborg: (shocked) Huh? What? I wasn't singing! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!

Robin: Uh… okay… listen, could I talk to you about something? It's kind of important.

Cyborg: (laughing nervously) Sorry about that. Yeah, sure man.

(Robin sits. Silence. Cyborg gets back to work on T-Car. Stops, looks at Robin.)

So what's up?

Robin: Well… I wanted to ask you about… relationships in the team.

Cyborg: Oh yeah? Relationships, huh? With a certain red headed alien? Huh? (winks)

Robin: No I… (sighs) Forget it. I'll ask someone else.

Cyborg: Robin, wait. Sorry man. C'mon, sit down, take a load off.

Robin: Just try to take this seriously, okay?

Cyborg: Okay.

Robin: (sitting) Okay, so… do you think it's a good idea?

Cyborg: You and Star? Hell yeah.

Robin: Who says it's Star?

Cyborg: (smirking) You mean it's Raven?

Robin: Could be, you don't know.

Cyborg: Then you won't mind if I tell Star. I'm sure she'll be happy to play matchmaker for you.

Robin: (glares)

Cyborg: (juts bottom lip out in mock pout, mock glares back)

Robin: (sighs) All right, you've made your point.

Cyborg: So…?

Robin: So… what?

Cyborg: Are you gonna say it?

Robin: Say what?

Cyborg: You know what I'm talking about.

Robin: (looks reluctant)

Cyborg: (sing songy) It'll make you feel better.

Robin: (scowls, mumbles) All right, fine. I like her.

Cyborg: (smirks) You like who?

Robin: Starfire, all right? I like Starfire!

Cyborg: (smirk growing) Well all right. Doesn't that feel better?

Robin: (almost growling) No.

Cyborg: (shrugs goes back to working on T-car) Anyway, I think it's a good idea.

Robin: (sighs) I didn't mean like that. I know it'd be great for me and her, but I'm thinking about the team. I mean, what if I spend more time worrying about her than the rest of you? What if our enemies find out? What if-

Cyborg: Whoa, whoa, man. Slow down. One at a time. First of all, you spend just as much time worrying about her now as you would if you were goin' out. Second, she can take care of herself.

Robin: Bumblebee said the same thing.

Cyborg: You talked to Bumblebee about this?

Robin: Yeah. I'm talking to everyone. (panics) Don't tell Starfire, Cyborg.

Cyborg: My robotic lips are sealed.

Robin: Well, good. (gets up) Thanks, Cyborg.

Cyborg: Anytime, man. Just do me a favour?

Robin: What's that?

Cyborg: Don't bother with this whole 'getting advice from everyone else' thing. Just do it.

Robin: (sighs) That'd be nice, but… I need to be sure that what I'm doing is right, you know?

Cyborg: All right man. But don't blame me when I say 'I told you so' at your wedding reception.

Robin: (frowns) That's taking it a bit far, isn't it?

Cyborg: (smirks) I don't know. (raises eyebrow) Is it?

Robin: (grumbles, leaves)

And that's the conversation exactly as it happened. And incidentally, I meant everything I said there. I guess it's the big brother part of me coming out. I know I usually tease Robin about the whole thing, but that's just my way of trying to get them together without seeming like a girl. You see, underneath this shell of metal and skin beats the (figurative) heart of a true romantic. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking:

"But if that's true Cyborg, why don't you have a girlfriend?"

And the answer is:

"Don't ask me, ask the girls."

I don't have any idea about women; any guy who says he does is lying. Big time. But that's not to say I don't have romantic prospects in my life. You wanna know who? Tough waffles.

But take a guess, by all means.

I dare you.

Bumblebee? Nice try. I like the gal, but she's a bit… well... uh… judgemental. A bit too judgemental, that's what I meant to say. 'Course, that's not to say I haven't thought about it; I have. And yeah, she's pretty good looking and friendly (I meant to say friendly first, I'm not obsessed with looks) but like I said, she's pretty quick to judge if you do something that she thinks is stupid or wrong or annoying or… you get my point. And she's got quite an attitude. Not a good kind of attitude either. The kind of attitude that can just rub you the wrong way after awhile. So, no. Not Bumblebee.

You get one more. Come on, surprise me.

JINX? You think that me and… JINX? Yo! What have you been smoking, man? She's a villain; a member of the HIVE, why would I want to? I mean, sure, she's sexy and beautiful and she's got this cute way of sayin' hi when she likes you and she's a good dancer and she's got this real dangerous quality that's just… uh… but I don't like her like that.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's go back to Robin and Starfire. Like I said, I expect to be at their wedding someday. I don't care if you think I'm acting like a girl, this is my monologue. Anyway, it never ceases to amaze me how long it took for Robin to actually own up and talk to Starfire about how much he likes her. And he had to be stranded on an alien planet with her before he'd even talk about it! Now if that's not a lack of communication, I don't know what is. I mean, they spend hours alone on the roof watching the sunset; what the hell do they talk about without it ending up being a talk about how much they like each other? Sometimes I wish I was like Beast Boy; I bet he never worries about this stuff.

You know, the way I talk about him, I probably give the impression I don't like Beast Boy very much. But to be honest, he's probably my best bud, which is kind of weird since we don't really have much in common. But then again, if two of the most different people in the world like Robin and Starfire can be meant for each other then I guess it's not so hard to believe. But BB's pretty cool.

Did I say 'pretty cool'?

I meant to say 'not so bad once you get to know him'.

I mean, he's my best bud now, but when I first met him… man, did he piss me off. And everyone else on the team, for that matter. But we all grew to live with it, and ended up liking him. Except for Raven. She's still learning the whole 'liking Beast Boy' thing. And before you ask me what's going on between them, I have no clue, okay? And you know what? They don't go together anyway. They're just wrong, because BB is BB, and Raven is Raven. It's that simple.

Now, Raven… I like that girl. She's a nice break from the others. You know, Star's all over the place most of the time, BB's… well, we've covered BB, and Robin can be just a little too intense. But Raven is pretty calming to be around. That's probably why I found the whole Trigon thing a little bit scarier than I let on. Because if something can make Raven panic like that, then it must be bad. You know, a part of me feels sorry for Raven sometimes, because I see how she looks at Robin, especially after he saved her from hell or wherever she was. The way he was so determined to save her, I gotta admit I wondered about that as well. But then the way Robin and Star said goodbye before Robin went down there with Slade… well, let's just say my doubts went away. There. I told you I was romantic at heart, didn't I? And no, this doesn't mean that I love Raven… it just means that she's my friend and I worry that she's gonna get hurt when Robin and Star do get together.

You see, this is what BB calls my fatherly instinct. Now, I'm not too sure about that. To be honest, I've never thought about it. Having kids I mean. But I gotta admit, I do like it when kids come up to me in the streets and when we go visit orphanages and schools and things like that. And when I think about it, I do get a bit too stressed out over what is really my friends business. I mean, that's not my job, that belongs to the little stress ball that is The Boy Wonder Robin.

Robin… I'm gonna be honest with y'all here: he scares me sometimes. I don't mean in a 'ha ha' way; I mean he scares me with what he could do if he wanted. I remember when he thought he was seeing Slade, and he said he'd take down anyone who got in his way… and I believed him. Not only that he meant it, but that he could. It's just… when Slade forced him to fight us (not to mention when he was Red X) he picked us apart like we were stood around doing nothing. And you know what's most scary about that? That he was holding back at the time. So if he actually tried… Not that he would, mind you. I mean, he felt so guilty and ashamed he didn't talk to us for a month.

And besides, there's always Star to stop him from going too far. That girl is… something else. It's not hard to see why Robin fell for her. But before you start to think anything stupid, I never saw her that way. Ever. I'm completely serious, y'all. She's really special, but she's just not my type. 'Course, I don't think I've been out with enough women to say I actually have a type, but still… I just never saw her that way; maybe it's because I saw the whole Robin and Starfire thing from the beginning, I dunno. Don't ask me how I saw it, I just did. It's one of those things that's just obvious, like Aqualad and Speedy.

I'm just kidding.

But you've gotta wonder about those two… I mean, I've never seen either of them with a girl, or show any interest towards a girl, ever. Aqualad had Raven and Starfire all over him, and he acted like nothing was happening, and Speedy… well, let's just say his obsession with his own hair is disturbing, and leave it at that.

That is not jealousy! I could grow hair anytime I wanted to; it would just look stupid is all. Come on, can any of y'all picture me with hair? Do you know how stupid I'd look? I'm supposed to strike fear into criminals, not have them laughin' at the fuzz on my head.

Well, I'm about done, so… what? You want me to say what? Aw, c'mon man…

Ah, all right.

BOOYA!

See y'all.

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(A/N: Booya? Or No-ya? Review!)