Chapter 16

In the late hours of Sunday morning, following the disastrous date (or slightly insightful, depending who you were) of James and Lily, Peter trudged up the common room stairs and pushed open the door to his dorm.

"Hey guys!" Peter chorused, expecting a welcome party of ecstatic, "We missed you SO MUCH," and, "DONT EVER leave us again, Wormtail! Oh so help me GOD, I will hunt you down and smother you with hugs."

Peter stood at the doorway, awaiting the pleasant cries of acknowledgement.

There were none.

Peter squinted. "Why is it so dark in here? Did someone block up the windows?" he asked.

"Light hurts eyes. So we must be bathed in darkness. Like vampires," a voice mumbled.

Peter frowned confusedly and ambled into the gloom, ripping off the sheets of the Daily Prophet that blocked the morning's sun light. The second luminosity entered the room a strangled cry broke out.

"OH, MINE EYES! They BURN! What shmuck let in light! WHAT SHMUCK!"

Peter took one look at the two Marauders, Sirius and Remus, sprawled out on their beds and asked, "What happened last night?"

Sirius formed an exaggerated moan as his head tipped upside down at the foot of his bed. "I'm too hungover to talk." He gazed at the upside-down Peter. "Since when have there been two Peters?"

"One Peter is a special Peter that only drunk or hungover people can see," Remus explained, his arms and legs sprawled out in a starfish position.

Peter glanced over at Remus and made a grimace. "Remus, you appear to have had...an accident," he said weakly.

"What?" Remus grumbled, and then looked down at his trousers.

"Oh, Moony," Sirius laughed. "That is rather revolting."

"Sirius!" Remus moaned. "You vomited on my pyjama bottoms!"

Sirius snorted. "Do not blame your toilet problems on me, fellow partisan. And besides, pyjama bottoms? Why don't you just wear boxers to bed like everyone else?"

"Because I do not like to strip down to boxers every night before bed quavering the Full Monty tune, whilst thrusting my pelvic area in an ungodly fashion."

Sirius pouted. "Prongs finds it funny..."

Peter showed a hurt expression as Remus and Sirius continued to argue how a liquid patch had gotten on Remus' crotch. "Er, guys?" He cut in. "Aren't you going to say how glad you are that I'm back?"

Sirius gave him a blank look. "Back from where?"

"The Hospital wing, negligent," Remus reminded him.

"Oh," Sirius yawned, "Whatever." He batted a hand and closed his eyes, trying to get back to sleep whilst Remus tried to doze off in unison.

Peter forced a cough. "Um, aren't you going to ask how I am?"

Remus smiled nicely, "How are you, Peter?"

"Well," Peter began, now feeling rather chirpy that he was getting the attention he thought he deserved; although Sirius had nodded off and was mumbling something about 'chocolate body paints'. "I'm feeling better now. Madam Pomfrey managed to fix my bones in a jiffy." Remus gave him an odd glance, wondering who said 'jiffy' these days.

"That's fascinating, Peter," he commented in what he thought was an enthusiastic tone.

"Oh, and I saw Evans in the Hospital Wing, too," Peter added.

"Lily was there?" Remus raised his brow. "Speaking of Lily, where's James?" He looked around the dorm and found James' bed empty. "Must have gone for breakfast early," he shrugged. "So why was Lily in there?"

"I think she had a bad foot," Peter guessed. "I asked her how she got it and she threatened to rip out a kidney."

"Oh." Remus was not surprised.

"And then I asked her about James," Peter carried on, "And she actually tried to rip out a kidney." He rubbed his stomach.

Remus winced, "I was going to ask about those rips on the front of your shirt."

"Oh, don't worry, Madam Pomfrey got rid of the blood."

"What!" Sirius tried sitting up in bed but only tumbled back down with a painful moan. He was awake from his chocolate body paints dream now the conversation was starting to get interesting. "Did she actually rip out a kidney?"

"Of course she didn't," Remus scolded him, then glanced at Peter, "Er, did she? Though it is possible to survive on one kidney, so if she only tore out one, you'd still be alive."

"No, she just got rid of the blood from the scram marks on my stomach," Peter explained, "Both babies are still here." He patted his hands at his chest, which was the wrong part to indicate where his kidneys were, unless his kidneys were hovering somewhere near his collar bone.

"You are referring to your kidneys, aren't you?" Remus asked. "Not actual babies? Because it's physically impossible for a male to have infants born inside him."

"Not to mention the world would be a better place without mini Peter papooses running around."

"Sirius," Remus sighed, "A papoose is a Native American Indian baby. Peter is not Native American Indian."

Peter made an 'o' shaped mouth, as if he to say a surprised, "I'm not?"

"A papoose can be whatever I bloody want it to be," Sirius said. "I could even call you a papoose." He pointed a finger at Remus. "Papoose!"

"Hey, Padfoot?" Peter asked. "How come you were so concerned that Lily might have ripped out one of my kidneys? Do you really value my friendship that much?" he said admirably.

"No," Sirius scoffed, "I was just worried that you'd given a kidney away to her. So when I'm older and might be an alcoholic, you wouldn't be the one to save my life by giving me a kidney. How could you do that to me, Pete? Huh? Huh! You selfish human being!"

"Oh God, you're right!" Peter's eyes began to water in horror. "How could I be so insensitive? I'm so sorry, Sirius!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Peter, why are you apologizing to him? You didn't give her a kidney, remember?"

He cringed in realisation. "Oh yeah. Oh, and guess what, Padfoot?"

"What?" Sirius grunted.

"I got a lollypop from Madam Pomfrey before I left. It was strawberry."

"Oh woop-de-fucking -doo. Let me shit myself with envy."

Remus rolled his eyes and made his new crucifix position more comfortable. "Now, if this conversation is over, I will be going back to sleep." He shut his eyes but then sniffed the air towards his pyjamas. "Maybe after I take these off."

"Duh nah nah nah, dun nuh-"

"Stop singing the Full Monty, Sirius."

He stuck out his tongue. "If only James was here to appreciate my wit. Where is the mork?"

Remus shrugged, "Maybe he's with Lily."

"Oh yeah, how did the date go?" Peter asked curiously.

"Well," Remus stretched, "Let me sum up the date in a few nonsensical and rather peculiar words." Peter nodded. "A carriage. Hippo. Top hats. Hog's head. Dodgy door. McGonagall. Fireworks."

Peter nodded slowly. "Wow, that is rather non...nonsi...whatever you just said."

Sirius groaned in annoyance. "Will you guys stop talking? I'm trying to sleep and I'm not planning to move for the rest of the day."

"But how will you go to the bathroom?" Peter asked.

"I will simply hold it in," Sirius said. "Or I'll pee in a container. Like, an empty Firewhiskey bottle," he pointed to one on the floor, "Or an old cauldron," he pointed again.

"We need to clean this dormitory," Remus stated.

"And I need to be more rational. But that's not going to happen, is it, Moony," Sirius retorted.

The two exhausted Marauders tried to snooze again, whilst Peter walked over to James' bed to try and find out why he had gotten up so early, especially as he was known as the one who slept so late that he was putting on his trousers in class.

"Guys," Peter addressed his friends. "Prongs left a note." He waved the small piece of parchment he found on James' pillow.

Sirius snorted, "He left a note? What are we, his parents?"

"Is it a suicide note?" Remus drawled tiredly.

"No."

"Is it Prongs' will?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Then I'm not interested."

Remus hurled a pillow at Sirius for his insensitivity. "What does the note say, Wormtail?"

Fellow Marauders,

Meet me later at the beech tree by the lake. WEAR BLACK.

Yours Marauderingly,

Prongs

No hugs or kisses

...Except for Lily Evans

"Marauderingly isn't a word," Remus commented shrewdly.

Peter shrugged unhelpfully. "I wonder why we have to wear black. Black's not a good colour on me."

Remus and Sirius looked at him oddly at the slightly girlish comment.

"I'm guessing you prefer fuchsia, Peter?" Remus assumed.

"Black is a flattering colour on me," Sirius said matter-of-factly, "It makes me look thinner and brings out my eyes."

Remus and Peter looked at him oddly at the slightly girlish comment.

"Not to mention," Sirius carried on, "It's the same as-"

"Your surname," Remus finished. "Yes, we knew that."

Sirius again tried to prop himself up but lay back down again as any upright position made him feel nauseous. "I wonder why Prongs wants us to meet him at the Marauder Lookout."

Remus sighed, "You do realise you're the only one who calls the shade by the beech tree the 'Marauder Lookout', or shall I say: the spot where peeping toms otherwise known as Sirius Black spy over at the girls on the other side of the lake."

Sirius gasped, "I do not spy! I merely observe."

"Whilst holding your crotch?"

Sirius reddened. "Wow, it wasn't as dark as I thought under the shade of that beech tree..."

"Why do you think James wants us to meet him by the lake, though?" Peter asked, folding up James' parchment note into a small hat. He propped it on his head and made a cheesy grin.

"If you wear that in public I will cause some serious hurt on you."

Peter sulked and took the hat off on Sirius' orders.

"It is rather strange though," Sirius said thoughtfully. "We haven't met up at the lake since those Marauder Meetings we did in second year."

Remus grimaced, "I remember those. You made me correspondent and I had to write every word down of the conversations we had, including the Chocolate Frogs or Sugar quills debate, and how many times Dumbledore can wrap his beard around his own neck."

"Chocolate frogs," Sirius commented, "And 28 times. I was chairman. I had a badge and everything with the initials CM, but Prongs kept calling me-"

"Contaminated Molester," Peter smiled, "Good times, eh. Good times. Why did we ever stop the meetings?"

"Because they were lame," Sirius said simply. "Now," he yawned, "Stop with the early Hogwarts reminiscing and leave me to hibernate in my own filth. I am not moving from this bed," he declared.

Peter tried to disguise his disappointment. "Well, I'll just go for breakfast by myself, then." He showed a sulky expression as he stood by the doorway. Sirius and Remus made unrecognizable mmhmms and waved rather pathetically for his depart. "Oh, and by the way," he added, "I bumped into McGonagall and she said she was on her way here."

"WHAT!" Sirius flung off his bed and crawled to his feet. "On second thought, I think I'll join you, Pete!"

Peter eyed him up and down. "Shouldn't you put some clothes on first?"

Sirius looked at his half naked self of boxers. "No time for meaningless materialistic objects," he said, grabbing his robe and putting it on himself loosely.

"I hardly think clothing is a meaningless materialistic object," Remus retorted.

"Moony, you will also accompany us!" Sirius decided. "You can either be a witness to my death, or bodyguard me!"

"Sirius, for Christ's sake!" Remus cursed, trying to grab for clothing as Sirius dragged him out of the dorm. "Will you let me put my trousers on? I'm only wearing underpants, you eccentric lunatic!"

-----------------

"Is McGonagall in there?"

Peter poked his head from the entrance of the Great hall and over to the Professors table where the teachers ate their breakfast and pretended to enjoy each others company. Thankfully, McGonagall's seat at the table was empty.

"Coast is clear," Peter informed.

Sirius strolled into the hall, not at all bothered by his open robe displaying his boxers and the fact that he was walking bare feet without shoes. Peter stuck to Sirius' side because people admired Sirius, if 'admiration' meant 'gossip about him'. And if 'gossip' meant 'worry for his safety'. And if 'worry for his safety' actually meant 'worry for their safety'.

Remus quickly took a seat at the Gryffindor table so people wouldn't think he associated with him, although everyone knew their friendship because the Marauders were well known like an annoying mother-in law; they were constantly in the background and always would be, until they dropped dead or you cut off their air supply first.

Unfortunately, the boys had taken seats next to a disgruntled redhead.

"I thought you were still in the Hospital Wing?" Peter asked the girl.

Lily dropped the croissant she was half way in the middle of eating and fixed him with a glare. Peter instantly held on to his stomach, protecting his internal organs.

"I swear, Pettigrew, talk to me one more time and I will rip off your limbs and use them as Quidditch bats," Lily threatened.

"Wow, a Quidditch related threat. That's new," Sirius commented.

"Why are you wearing just boxers and a robe?" Lily asked, covering her eyes with toast. "I know it is the weekend but you take casual appearances too far."

Sirius snatched her half eaten croissant and munched on it openly. "I am making a point, protesting to people of today how materialistic objects are worthless and it's each others love for one another that counts."

"In other words," Remus said, "Sirius was in too much of a rush to change, hiding from McGonagall."

Sirius scoffed and perched his bare feet on the table as surrounding students made disgusted cries of the smell, especially Lily who chucked her orange juice at him. "Moony," Sirius wiped his wet face, "You make it sound as if I am scared of the woman, which I am most certainly not. I'll hex her to Siberia."

"Oh, look!" Lily yelled. "It's McGonagall!"

Sirius let out a girlish scream and hid under the table, holding on to Remus' legs.

"She was joking, Padfoot."

Sirius grumbled as he got out from under the table and sneered at Lily who was sniggering. "I'm confused, at which part of that girlish scream were you hexing her to Siberia?"

"Nyeh neh nyeh neh," Sirius mimicked her voice immaturely.

"So," Lily tried to hide her tone of concern, "Where's the fourth urchin?"

Remus eyed her sceptically. "We thought James was with you. Didn't he come see you in the Hospital wing?"

Lily frowned. "No," she said disappointedly. The boys looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Which was a good thing!" she added hastily.

"Why don't you go find him?" Remus suggested, not so subtly.

Lily looked at him indecorously and folded her arms. "I'm not talking to him," she declared.

"Oh God," Sirius moaned, legs again perched back on the table. He grabbed a knife and tried using it to clean his nails that had somehow got filth underneath. "Don't tell me you're still not going out with him?"

"That's none of your business, wanker."

"Nyeh neh nyeh neh..."

"What did James do?" Peter asked, his hands still safely protecting his stomach.

Lily huffed and nibbled on another croissant. "I don't want to talk about it."

"So if you're not talking to James," Sirius said, "then why exactly are you talking to us?"

Lily huffed again. "I sat here first!" she yelled angrily. "You were the ones who took seats next to me!"

"Whatever."

"Sirius," Lily began in a deadly tone, "Just do me a favour, okay?"

"Sure. Just bend over and I'll remove that stick up your arse any time now."

"Look," she began, grabbing the knife from his hand and pushing it to his throat, "You mention James one more time and I will slit your throat."

"Message understood," Sirius nodded, pushing the knife away, "Lily-cidal maniac," he muttered.

Remus glanced from his paper. "I recommend the fork, Lily. The knives aren't that sharp, they're only good for buttering toast."

The four sat quietly as they continued to eat their breakfast.

"So did you smooch?"

Lily impaled a fork into Sirius' neck.

"Christ, woman!"

Lily stood up from his seat, ready to leave. "You just tell James," she addressed the boys, "To not even bother trying to talk to me again, because I will be ignoring him." She made a final hellish glower and walked away.

A couple of seconds later, she backtracked back to the table and grabbed a croissant, making another final malicious glare, and walked away again.

Another couple of seconds later, she backtracked again to the table, grabbed a knife and cut open the croissant.

"Weren't you making a dignified exit?" Remus asked, quirking an eyebrow as the boys ogled at her.

"I don't like my croissants plain!" she said, buttering the inside.

Finally finishing the buttering, she fixed another glare and stomped away.

For the third time, a couple of seconds later, she jogged back again to where the boys were sitting, biting her lip with a worried look.

"What now? Do you want jam on your croissant?" Sirius teased.

"No," she snapped. "Just," she sighed and her face gradually heated, "Don't tell James that earlier message, because I'm not talking to him. So tell him nothing. Nothing. Don't even tell him you saw me. You saw nothing. I said nothing about him."

Remus nodded. "Yes, we understand the nullity."

"Good."

For the final time, she glared and stomped away.

"Is she going to come back again?" Peter asked, expecting the redhead to grab another morning pastry.

"I think that was the last time."

The three remaining boys continued eating.

"They so smooched," Sirius couldn't help but snigger. Remus and Peter agreed.

----------------

Lily was busy slamming her heels into the floor as she walked with definite rage in her steps. "Nyeh neh nyeh," she mimicked Sirius' voice childishly. "Did you smooch? Bloody wanker Sirius Black."

Just as she was about to turn on her way to Gryffindor tower, she bumped into someone as she turned the corner whilst she was mumbling offensively to the Hogwarts floor. For some odd reason, she was hoping the chest she had bounded into to be James.

"Watch where you're going, Evans."

She really wished the body has been James'.

She shivered as she eyed the scowling boy closely before her. "I do apologize," she gritted through her teeth, though it took her a great amount of strength to say it.

Just as she was about to walk away, Snape grabbed her wrist and pulled her dangerously close to him, sneering with hatred behind the locks of his greasy ebony hair.

"Maybe you should look where you're going instead of daydreaming," Snape said, with a distinct hint in his voice that she was daydreaming about a particular messy haired James Potter.

"Let go." Lily tried her wrist away from his grasp.

"Lily!"

Their heads snapped down the corridor to see James hurrying forwards with immense concern plastered across his face.

"There's your daydream now," Snape sneered, glancing at him. "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions...are weak."

Lily frowned, trying to interpret what he was trying to say.

"Goodbye, Evans," Snape scowled familiarly.

Lily puckered brow, but sighed in great relief as Snape let go of her wrist and shoved her away, so hard she faltered backwards. Before Lily could comprehend what had happened, Snape had stridden down the corridor and in direction of the Hogwarts' grounds; too far away for James to catch up as Lily fell backwards into him.

James managed to stable her as she tumbled in to him, instinctively holding on to her wrist, just as Snape had done. But Lily somehow felt content when James did it to her, not shivers and feelings of cutting her own hands off.

"I went to check on you in the Hospital wing but you weren't there," James said with a hurt expression.

"You did?" Lily replied, her stomach jumping.

"What did Snape say to you?"

"I don't know, something mysteriously incoherent," she said confusedly.

"I'm going to…" James trailed off into wheezing angry breaths, looking in the direction where Snape had strutted off to with fume.

"Don't do anything to him, James." Lily warned him. "Just…don't."

James eyed her sceptically. "There isn't anything, y'know, going on between you and him..."

His words dropped like a bomb.

"Excuse me?"

James winced. "I said another stupid thing, didn't I," he said regrettably.

"I cannot believe you'd even suggest that!" Lily cried, disgusted. "I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. I'm supposed to be ignoring you," she said firmly, as more of a reminder to herself.

She was about to walk away but James held on to her shoulder to stop her from turning around. Without thinking, which James seemed to do a lot whenever Lily was around, or just in general, he kissed her.

Not a good move.

At first, Lily seemed to gasp in his mouth at the sudden action and appeared to like it. That was until she remembered she wasn't supposed to be talking to him, besides exchanging saliva with the guy. She managed to dislodge her lips off and his and did the first thing she felt instinctive: she kicked him in his gonads.

Because violence is always the answer.

Lily had never kicked him in his testicular area, only occasionally hit him upside the head, but that was more of a playful way. This one was in his delicate area - it was a hard kick and the classic sign that you had successfully buggered things up big time.

"You are such a twat," she declared, this time making a dignified exit of flouncing.

James fell to his knees, making a groan, before humming painfully the funeral march as he dragged himself by sliding his hands across the corridor floor towards the exit of Hogwarts grounds.

----------------

"Your favourite book is Hogwarts: A History? That's mine too!" Remus said excitedly, walking across Hogwarts grounds with a brunette and fellow sixth year.

He was on his way to meet at the lake by orders of James' note, after doing some pass-time reading in the library and luckily getting into conversation with a pretty and intelligent witch. Sirius nor Peter wanted to join him on the escapades of reading after breakfast, so abandoned him for hiding out from McGonagall in the Room of Requirement.

"I tried taking it out of the library," Remus carried on, "But it was already out."

The girl blushed. "That's because I've got it."

"Oh," Remus laughed.

The girl quirked an eyebrow, "Maybe we can go back to my dorm and read it together."

Remus somehow guessed that reading wasn't really on the agenda. "Well, er I-"

"MUH-HOONY!"

"Oh, Christ," Remus muttered.

An energetic nutcase with no sense of privacy bounded up to them both with an uncomfortable Peter in tow.

"Wahey," Sirius greeted them, "Who's your lady friend?" He focused on the dark-haired girl next to him.

"Er, Holly, this is Sirius," Remus waved a hand vaguely, "Sirius, this is Holly."

The girl immediately looked daggers, closing in on Sirius. "I know who you are," she snapped at him.

Remus quickly exchanged a look with him. "You do?"

"Yes. He snogged my best friend in the broom closet and never talked to her again," she explained.

"I can't say I'm surprised about that," Remus muttered, shaking his head.

Sirius cringed, unconsciously fiddling with his hair. "Er, was her name Marlene Simmons?" he asked, remembering the name he quoted to Lily in the bathroom lock-in.

"No," she grumbled. Remus shook his head again. "Her name was Elizabeth."

"Oh!" Sirius said, in a way where you try and fake recognition when really you can't remember a damn thing about the person their talking about. "Oh, her! Eliz-a-beth! Elizabeth," he feigned a smile, "Such a great gal."

"You don't know who I'm talking about, do you."

"No sodding idea."

The girl scowled.

"So, what did she look like?" Sirius asked curiously.

"She was my identical twin sister."

The boys winced.

Sirius opened his mouth and closed his mouth in flustering until he finally murmured the word "Shit," the only word he could form from his mouth.

"So..." Sirius broke the tense silence, "Are you two dating?" He asked them both.

"Padfoot! You're being inappropriate!" Remus told him off.

Sirius got a mischievous glint in his eye. "I thought we had something special, Moonykins," he drawled.

There was silence and everyone looked at each other in turn.

"What?" Remus hissed, definite worry written on his face; especially as Holly was looking in between the two, highly unimpressed.

Sirius turned his head away dramatically and raised his chin high as he sniffed. "So last night," he put on an emotional tone, "meant nothing to you?"

Remus' eyes widened in horror. "What do you mean, 'last night!' What are you even talking about?" he howled.

"Oh, Muh-hoony," Sirius sniveled, "So it is true."

Peter was making an occasional concerned squeak, wondering what exactly he missed whilst he spent the night in the Hospital wing.

"Our one night of passion," Sirius made pelvic thrusts to indicate to Holly what exactly he was talking about, which was not needed as she had guessed exactly what he was referring to and was covering her gawking mouth in shock, "Was just a silly little fling."

"What night of passion?" Remus echoed. "What fling? I hope you're talking about throwing objects of some sort!"

"I've never came like that before in my life," Sirius ended the trifle, dessert and act, with a cherry on top, making a sigh to greaten the last line.

Remus made choking sounds. "W-WH...WHAT?"

Peter squeaked again and appeared to be turning the odd colour of—yes, you guessed it: fuchsia.

"I'm not quite gagging, and I'm not quite vomiting," Peter shrilled, "I'm gavommiting." And on that note, he made an arm action with his hands that was supposed to be wave, but looked more like pointing back and forth between Remus and Sirius, screaming, and then hobbling along to meet James at the lake.

"I'm leaving," Holly announced, appearing as red as a tomato for being in such an inappropriate conversation. "Er, nice meeting you," she said uncomfortably, and was about to shake the boys' hands but didn't know where exactly they had been, especially since 'last night', and also by the fact that what she has said was a lie and it had NOT nice meeting either of them. "Bye!" she bleated, and ran off back into the castle.

"FALSE FABRICATIONS!" Remus howled after her. "FALSE FAB-RI-CA-TIONS!"

Sirius broke into deafening laughter, lolling back his head so much that he nearly fell backwards and his head nearly dispatched off his own neck. Remus just stood frozen, very, very pale.

"THAT was SO FUNNY! " Sirius trailed off into giggles. "Merlin, did you see her face! Completely floored. That was such a great prank! Best to date, I'd say. No hard feelings, eh, Moony? Moony? Muh-hoony?"

Remus remained frozen, but instead of looking pale was getting redder by the passing seconds.

"Er...Moony? You're turning red, that's a bad sign in the distinguishing signs of Remus Lupin. You're either embarrassed or you're just getting really mad."

Remus' left eye twitched.

"Eye twitching? What stage are we at now? Isn't it normally the mouth flinching first?"

Remus' mouth flinched repeatedly, as if he were having mouth spasms.

"Ah, there we go. But if you're really, really mad, which can't be now because I'm your buddy, there would be nose enlargement following. You're like that Pinocchio - instead of your nose growing when you lie, your nose grows when you're super mad."

Remus' nose appeared to grow at least an inch.

Sirius blanched. "Holy Merlin," he murmured, watching Remus close on him dangerously.

Sirius instinctively covered his hands over his man chest. "Not the nipple cripple, Moony. They HURT. You haven't given me one of those since second year!"

"You KILLED my owl!" Remus reminded him.

Sirius put his hands in the air. "How was I supposed to know Snowy would die if he ingested too much gravy?"

"Nobody can survive ingesting two times the amount of body weight in gravy, for Christ's sake!"

Sirius snorted. "Who are you, Frankenstein or something?"

Remus somehow knew that Sirius had meant Einstein.

"Just gimme a dead leg instead, Moony? C'mon, be reasonable!"

"Dead legs don't hurt as much," Remus grumbled.

"Hel-lo? Dead leg. A lot of pain happens, hence the name. How about a wedgie?" Sirius suggested.

"We're not in America, Sirius."

"A Wet Willy?"

"There is no pain involved in a Wet Willy! All you do is lick your finger and put it someone's ear!"

"Technically if Snape done it, your face would be like burning and-" Sirius broke off into high-pitched shrieks. "My manly chest! Le'go, le'go, LET GO!"

As the two were now fighting on the floor, Peter ambled up the two, still gavommiting.

"Er, guys?"

"Stop twistin'! STOP TWISTING!"

"Guys!" Peter interrupted. "Look what James is doing!" He pointed over to their friend by the lake a few feet away.

"Oh no," Sirius and Remus said in unison.

They both scrambled to their feet, running with Peter as they hurried over to lake where James was wading in the water.

"Anyone going to hum the funeral march?" James mumbled to himself. "Nobody? Fine, I'll do it- dum dum dumdum, dum dumdum dumdum, dum duuuu-"

"PRONGSIE!"

James turned his head to face his three friends, standing by the shore with horrified expressions. He was presently managing to keep afloat in the water as he kicked out his legs, presently trying to avoid the giant squid's tentacles, and presently quite naked.

"Oh dear God, please say you're wearing trousers below," Remus said; as he could only the see top half of James' bare chest.

"No," he replied, rather smug. "Just boxers."

Sirius burst into disbelieving chuckles. "Chowderhead, what are you doing?"

James took in his friends' appearance and shook his head disappointedly at them. "The invitation specifically said to wear black. And you're late! I mean, I don't even know why I bother to make an effort. You guys don't appreciate me."

"You're acting bent again," Sirius said tonelessly, "I just thought I'd mention that."

Remus backtracked to what James had said. "Invitation? Black? I take it this is another suicidal attempt. And are those handcuffs in your hand?" He asked suddenly, spotting the handcuffs James was trying to unsuccessfully chain to his wrists.

James nodded. "It's to stop me from saving myself when I drown. They're quite hard to put on yourself..."

"Hey, they're my handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."

Nobody bothered to give Sirius an odd look because that line was probably the sanest of his today.

"You can't drown in the lake, James!" Peter drawled from the water's edge.

"Why not?" James whined back.

"Because you can swim!"

"So, I'll forget!" he snapped.

"You can't forget! It's from the heart!" Peter patted his chest. "From your sooooul!"

Remus raised his hand. "I have a more plausible reason that you cannot drown in the lake."

"Why, Moony?"

"The squid will save you."

James huffed. "Not if I chain myself to the bottom!"

"The squid can just, er, unchain you!" Sirius said lamely.

James laughed. "They don't have opposable thumbs, Sirius."

"But they have those sucker things," he pointed out. "Sucker things, Prongsie. Suction. Heh, that's a funny word. SUC-"

"Anyway," Remus cut him off with a look of rage. "Just come out of the lake, James. Then we can discuss whatever stupid thing you did this time which involved Lily."

He splashed the water in uproar. "What makes you think this has anything to do with Lily, you berks?"

Remus tried to calm him, "Okay, I apologize for jumping to conclusions. Just come out of the lake, okay?"

James pouted, looking a lot like a sulking housewife. "Alright," he gave in, "the water is kind of cold."

He was about to waddle back to shore but the giant squid had got so impatient that James was bathing in it's water, that he picked up James by the tentacle and flung him on the grass.

James gazed up at the towering heads of his friends as he lay on the ground.

"Ah," Sirius tapped his nose, "Suction."

"So, being curious, what was this all about?" Remus asked, already knowing the answer.

James sighed. "Evans..."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Exactly…"

"Somebody give me my clothes," James grunted.

"Looking for these?"

James leaned up on his elbows as the boys turned their heads to face Severus Snape holding James' beloved clothes as he appeared from behind the shade of the beech tree, or as Sirius called it: The Marauders beech tree.

"You did not just touch my beech tree, git-face," Sirius gritted through his teeth, watching Snape's fingers tap the trunk with his spindly fingers.

"Heaven knows what you've been doing with this tree, Black," Snape retorted.

Remus had to hold Sirius back by threatening earlier manly chest twisting again. Peter remained silent, quietly excited on what hell would break loose soon.

James tried to muster his dignity in his nudity and instead focused full on glaring at Snape. "What are you doing, Snivellus? Stealing clothes for a living now? I know you may admire my appearance, but to go as far as stealing my clothes to be me?" He sighed. "How pathetic."

"I wouldn't dare talk to me like that in the position you're in, Potter," Snape snapped.

Remus made a worrying glance as he eyed James and Sirius' glowering with the enemy. "Snape," Remus said firmly, "Please-"

"Don't you say 'please' to him, Moony," Sirius cut in shortly. "Dark arts prick."

Snape faked admiration. "You have such a way with words, Black. As do you, Potter," James flinched, "I mean, those impressive firework displays in the sky last night." James shook with anger. Snape sneered and quoted with sniping air finger quotes, "Your beauty stupefies me," he made an evil snicker, "You rock my wizarding world."

"If I had my wand right now-" James started.

"Why don't you check your underwear?" Snape suggested.

Remus gritted his teeth and forced James to the ground as he was about leap in hysterics, which was not a good move in nakedness.

"Snape," Remus said steadily again, "Just...return James' clothing."

Snape's eyes widened aback and he laughed mockingly. "The mediator," he sighed, "Rather shocking for someone like you. Knowing...what you are."

Sirius' eyes blazed. "OH, that is IT! NOBODY picks on Moony...except ME!" He poked himself squarely in the chest, already bringing out his wand from his pocket.

But it already seemed as if Snape was prepared, getting his wand out faster and already muttering a spell in Sirius' direction.

"Furnunculus!" Snape bellowed.

Sirius ducked out the way, pushing James and Remus to the ground out of the spell's reach.

Unfortunately, the spell had skipped past them and hit Peter in the chest instead, making him fall to the ground, squishing many nasty boils.

"I always forget him," Sirius said confusedly. "He's too bloody small and quiet."

Remus hurried over to Peter. "Are you okay?" he asked him, holding him by the shoulders.

"Ay, ay, a scratch," Peter murmured, boils compressing.

"You're covered in boils, that's more than a scratch."

"Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man."

"Peter-" Remus tried to cut in.

"A plague a' both your houses!" he yelled.

"You have got to stop reading my books of Shakespeare," Remus grumbled.

"Rictusempra!" Sirius yelled.

Snape had no time to block the charm as it him, making him burst into uncharacteristically girlish giggles. The sight was gruesome as they watched Snape struggle to contain himself, wailing his arms whilst he snorted with the oddest smile on his face.

"Get it off him! It's weird!" James commanded.

Fortunately, Snape managed to get the tickling charm off himself and sustain his ground again. Shaking himself to think straight again, he pointed his wand once more at the boys.

Remus got to his feet, trying to make a block in between Snape and his friends. "This is completely inane! Stop this!"

As expected, everyone carried on acting foolishly.

"Tarantellegra!" Snape yelled again.

"Protego!" Sirius blocked the curse.

"I have James' clothes!" Remus announced, holding the bundle of clothing in his arms that was abandoned by Snape as he was now wizard duelling. "Now the duelling can stop, okay?"

As expected, everyone carried on acting foolishly.

As Snape seemed distracted by Sirius, James quickly scrambled over to the frozen Peter who was near the water's edge. Fumbling quickly in his pockets, he rustled around for Peter's wand as some sort of defence.

"SECTUMSEMPRA!"

James whirled around, holding Peter's wand in his hand.

"Prongs!"

Though it was too late as Snape's brutal spell slashed him boldly in the chest, splashing blood in all directions. He made a choked coughing sound as his wand hand fell limply, his body arching and falling back into the lake's water. Red coloured water covered everywhere.

"James! JAMES!"