Chapter 19
Lily ran as fast as she could in her school shoes - too bad the shoes were at height of overbalance as her feminine urges had chosen appearance over comfort. Damn those heels.
"James!" she called out, managing to make it near the Portrait of the Fat Lady and only steps behind him as he walked in definite angry stomps. "James?" she called out again, this time uncertainly, yet he didn't turn around as he muttered the password barely above a whisper and hurried inside Gryffindor Tower without a second glance back.
To say Lily was shocked was an understatement.
He always looked back.
Whenever she'd called his name, preferably an angry shout of his surname, his head would have snapped around like lightening. There were times when she would have just muttered his name in conversation with friends in the Great hall, and he'd suddenly be at her side, grinning a mischievous smile and teasing her about talking about him secretly behind his back, which then led to Lily hurling hot mash potatoes in his face for even thinking she was mentioning him for good reasons, which she had definitely not been.
There were even times in class when James cheekily called from across the room, "Did you call my name, Evans?" which, of course, Lily did not, and replied a wrathful, "No." This process repeated at least seventeen times until Lily eventually called his name in a hellish scream that burst everyone's ear drums.
But this time, his neck didn't even twitch.
He'd always looked back.
As she took the last few steps determinedly towards the portrait, a shadow appeared from her left and she felt a hand rub her shoulder.
Lily paled at the sight of Derrick and quickly rubbed at her eyes, wiping them dry.
"I've been looking for you everywhere," he said, annoyed. "I haven't seen you since this morning." He looked at her glassy eyes and furrowed his brow. "What's happened?"
Lily tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Nothing, I'm fine," she reassured with a fake smile.
Derrick looked at her dubiously, but the gaze eventually faded though Lily felt her insides squirm. "I was just going to go for a walk. Want to come with?"
Lily opened her mouth slightly, glancing at the portrait who seemed to be looking at her with condemning. And if Lily wasn't mistaken, was also miming the word 'BITCH' as she glowered severely.
"Well, I was kind of-" she began.
"Nothing's stopping you, is it?" Derrick cut her off.
Was there anything, really? Or, more specifically: anyone?
"Well-" she started, then stopped almost suddenly. She mentally slapped herself. Was she really going to run after James and apologize when it was blatantly clear that her words meant nothing? Was she really going to make things worse, get caught up in the moment and end up probably kissing him again? She would be if she entered that portrait.
...But did she actually want that?
"Come on, then," Derrick said impatiently, walking ahead as he already assumed he would be accompanying her.
Lily blinked, still glancing back and forth between the portrait and Derrick as if one would call out to her, which indeed Derrick was doing.
"What are you waiting for?" he pressed.
What the hell was she thinking, following James? He was clearly angry with her, which was what she wanted, right? Maybe he would finally end his infatuation with her and stop this whole palaver.
"Nobody," she murmured, grudgingly taking Derrick's open hand as they ambled down the corridor.
"Bitch..." The Fat Lady's voice echoed in the empty corridor. She shook her head and walked into the next portrait, gossiping in other sceneries about the students failing relationship.
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James slammed the dormitory door shut and immediately locked it with a spell, flicking his wand. He really didn't want to see anyone: dogs, werewolves, and rats included.
The first thing he tried to do was hex himself as an unusual suicide attempt, believing a hundred hexes of bat bogeys and boils could kill him if he were locked in a bedroom to slowly die.
However, hexing yourself proved to be rather difficult. There was the matter of instinctively moving out of the way, the second he raised the wand at himself.
"Incendo—DAMN IT!" He swore, his head dodging the flame from his wand. "Incarcerate—stop bloody moving!" He dodged yet another spell.
It was clearly a fact that he didn't really want to burn his face off or bind his self to death, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Stupid reflexes and stupid sense of will to live.
Next, he tried eating things from the floor, poisoning being the second option of suicide. After all, the dormitory floor was even dirtier than Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
"This should kill me, right?" He asked aloud, examining something that looked a cross between a bread crust and a hairball. He shook himself of doubt and ate it.
One minute later, he was retching into a toilet bowl.
Okay, so poison wasn't the option. However, jumping from high towers could be.
He ran to the nearest window of the dormitory and grabbed for the handle to pull open.
The windows were somehow locked.
"What the hell!" James tugged on the window handle. "Alohamora!" He yelled in frustration, but still the window did not budge. "How can they be locked? What if there was a fire, or something!" He tugged the handle again until he gave up. "BUGGER IT! I bet Moony locked them somehow... Is trying to kill myself that predictable?"
Suddenly a light bulb went on in his head and his eyes lit up - the knife Padfoot had just given him just last Christmas! Sirius had told him that the blade could cut through almost anything and get you passed any locked door. Of course, Sirius knew this because he had the exact same copy of the knife which he kept in his bag for 'self-defence only' and not to try and break through Filch's office cupboards where he stashed dirty magazines.
James could easily stab an eye out with that knife if he didn't handle it carefully...which was exactly what he wanted to do!
Rubbing his hand together eagerly, he skipped over to the wooden chest by the end of his bed, flinging it open. Pushing up his jumper sleeves, he searched through the junk of what could be recognised as a second dirty laundry bin. Eventually, he managed to find the old glasses case which he kept the knife in.
Making a "YES!" of delight, he quickly opened the case and found a post-it stuck inside. 'DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, PRONGSIE' was scribbled in messy ink.
"But-how—I—argh—DAMN IT!" He hurled the glasses case across the room where it hit Peter's rememberall, which then rolled and made an impressive smash to the floor.
James somehow felt this as an anger relief.
Ten minutes later, the room was in shambles.
Bed drapes had been torn and slashed, books had been ripped to pieces, pillow feathers were floating across the room, odd bits and pieces of magical Hogsmeade one-minute-wonder buys were now broken scattered on the ground - all destruction thanks to James.
He could distinctly see the head decapitated off Peter's niffler toy…Woops, he thought.
But he did feel better. And that was the important thing.
"I hope my kid doesn't inherit my love for smashing things," James mumbled, a little dazed.
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"I'm sorry."
James didn't even have to look up from the dormitory floor he'd been staring at for the past two hours, sitting pathetically on the sanctuary of the well-used bean bag. He didn't even have to tilt his head up to know it was Sirius who'd entered the room. His footsteps were memorised into his brain - plus, he could hear the sound of jiggling sweets in Sirius' trouser pocket.
"I'm sorry," James repeated.
"It's alright."
James shook his head and cursed everything that happened that day. "No it's not," he said bitterly, finally looking up to see Sirius leaning against the door frame. "You're not."
"You're bloody right I'm not," Sirius retorted, inspecting the state of his finger nails.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you, Padfoot," James apologized again.
Sirius turned to look at him and gave him a faint smile. "I know," he said.
"You can snap at me if you want," James suggested.
"Fuck off, cock breath."
James' mouth curled into a slight smile. "There you go. Don't you feel better?"
Sirius raised his eyebrows and knocked on his chest, as if this were a way of communicating with himself. "A little," he acknowledged.
James chuckled amusedly until it slowly drained and before long, his face was sombre and he was back into his depression.
"I don't want to break the moment or anything," Sirius said, taking a glance around the room. "But, er, what the hell happened in here?"
James winced and tried not to look at the dormitory slaughter massacre. "Breaking things is an anger relief," he said simply.
"Righto..." Sirius chewed on his tongue. "And why exactly are you wearing only your boxers, listening to Paul Anka's 'Puppy love', eating a tub of- what I think I can recognize as-" he stood on his tip toes as he peeked "-vanilla ice cream?"
"The house elves were out of chocolate," James explained, scooping another spoon of the plain ice cream into his permanently downwards mouth. "It's all melted," he said, watching the ice cream trickle from the spoon.
"I can see that." Sirius showed a sympathetic face as he spotted the melted ice cream patches on James' chin. "It's nice with pie."
"House elves?"
"No, ice cream, you bloody pillock. Mind if I join you?" He asked, but had already left the door frame and shut the door, taking a seat next to him on a stack of Remus' books.
James looked at him strangely. "I'm on your bean bag, Sirius, why haven't you tried to wrestle me off and threaten to steal my glasses, using them to reflect the sunlight to burn ants?"
Sirius smiled. "That's really the only think they're useful for, isn't it," he teased. "You look kind of emotional and somehow drunk on ice-cream, so I give you full permission."
James scowled at the mention of looking tear-jerked. "I am not emotional," he argued, "or PMS-ing like a girl."
"You're listening to Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' on Moony's record player."
"Okay, so maybe I am little emotional," James gave in, handing the tub of melted ice cream which Sirius slurped up like soup, before James had even handed him the plastic spoon.
"Urgh, brain freeze," Sirius moaned, clutching his forehead.
"Is it even possible to get a brain freeze with melted ice-cream?" James asked.
"Apparently so." Sirius rubbed his forehead and slapped it a few times before the pain disappeared. "Juuuuust becaaaaause we're in our teens, tell them all it isn't fair!" he sang, only mildly out of tune.
James shook his head with slight amusement, waggling in his ear from the pitch of his 'beautiful' voice. "Padfoot," he fiddled with his glasses self-consciously, "why haven't you asked me what happened with Lily yet?"
Sirius stopped his singing and frowned. "Because I did the Insensitive Prick Thing before and asked you, and you snapped at me, remember?"
James' face fell. "Oh yeah."
"My tears are all in vaaaaain! I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday, you'll be back in my arms once agaaaaain!" Sirius coughed as he couldn't reach the high note. "Agaaaaiin!" Sirius tried again, but it was even hoarser. "Uh-gaaaain!"
"...She's going out with Derrick."
"What?"
James sighed and sprawled out on the bean bag with a lolled back head and spread out limbs. "She's going out with sodding I-have-spiky-hair-like-a-bleached-hedgehog-Derrick."
Sirius looked at him blankly. "Who is?"
"My giddy aunt, Sirius," James rolled his eyes. "Lily, of course!"
"Oh..."
"Oh, indeed."
"...Want to drink some Firewhiskey?" Sirius asked helpfully.
"No," James grunted. "I'm not in the mood to get rat-arsed. Speaking of rats, where's Wormtail? And Moony?" he questioned.
"They're in the room of requirement. Moony said they'd lie low there for a while so it'd give us a chance for us to talk in private," Sirius finished with a grimace.
"What are we, a married couple?" James scoffed, then made a deep and thoughtful Thinking Face, consisting of puckered fish lips which made your chin all bumpy at the end.
"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked.
"Nobody."
"I said 'what', not whom."
"I need a girl to snog."
Sirius slightly gawked at him in confusion, wondering where that particular statement had come from all of a sudden. "Wha...?"
"I need a girl to snog," James repeated more strongly.
Sirius looked at him with pity. "Prongs, I think it's a bit soon for rebounding, isn't it?"
James glowered. "Lily did, didn't she?" Sirius winced at the remark. "I need a gorgeous blonde to kiss and let me grope her boobies."
"Georgina," Sirius answered automatically. "But that's beside the point, mate."
James gave him a ridiculous look. "But you always say snogging girls is the answer to everything!"
Sirius smiled silently to himself and couldn't help but agree. "It is," he chuckled, but shook himself back to the original topic. "But you need to focus on someone else in this predicament, Prongsie."
James furrowed his brow. "Who?"
Sirius plucked a finger and ran it over the bottom of the ice cream tub, licking the vanilla tipped finger with his tongue. "Git-face," he smirked.
"Derrick?" James guessed.
"Indeed-o." Sirius raised an eyebrow mischievously and felt the usual roguish smile on his facial features.
"What're you planning?" James asked, slightly excited for the excruciating pain Derrick would suffer soon.
Sirius rubbed his hands together in a menacing way and let the cheesy music ring through his ears. "Derrick won't know what hit him," he said mysteriously.
James legs shook with anticipation. "Yeah! He'll be so messed up, he'll...he'll..." he paused, thinking for the right simile. "He won't know his right from his left!" he finished with an impressive smile to himself.
"I told you before: it's quite a hard job telling your right from your left," Sirius mumbled embarrassingly, not wanting to get into the topic of his mistakes of putting on the wrong shoe on the wrong foot every morning.
"So," James felt his chin and was surprised to find dried ice cream on his skin, licking it up with his tongue, "Got any ideas, Pad?"
Sirius stopped rubbing his hands together and pulled an ugly face, not exactly in the creative mood at the particular hour for imaginative, painful suffering. And also, he'd not thought the plan through.
"Er... Getting pigeons to rape him from the behind?"
James grimaced. "What is your fetish for that particular torture?"
Sirius ignored him. "So, a few immature and childish pranks for him, then? We'll need whoopee cushions, itching powder, and plastic insects!"
"I think we can do better than that," James rolled his eyes.
Sirius pressed a finger to his chin thoughtfully. "Uh...murder him?"
"Too Azkaban," James stated. "Take it down a notch."
"Hang him to death?" Sirius suggested, gesturing an invisible robe and wrapping it round his neck, making a gagging sound as he pulled a dead face of bulging eyes and a floppy tongue.
James backed way slightly, the image disturbing him. "Too medieval."
"Hug him to death?" Sirius hugged himself, mimicking the face of a hysterical mad man.
James snorted. "Urgh. Too homophobic."
Sirius groaned, not liking every single one of his ideas discarded. "Gorge out his eyes with pointy utensils? Sporks, perhaps?" He positioned his hands as if they were holding stakes and made a high pitched "Eeek! Eeek!" every time the imaginary utensils came into contact with the imaginary Derrick's eyes.
James contemplated the violent torture in his mind and shook his head. "Too messy. Down a bit, again."
"Fill his dorm with bleached hedgehogs!"
"Let's talk about this tomorrow."
"Yes, do that we shall."
"You're a great friend, Padfoot."
"Now I definitely think those house elves must have spiked that ice cream," Sirius declared. "Someone, help me, help me, help me, please! Is the answer up uuuuuh-bove! How can I, how can I tell theeeeeeeeem!" Sirius placed the empty ice cream tub atop James' head and put this hands in the air, whilst James watched with soggy ice-cream ridden glasses. "This is not uuuuuh, puuupy...luuuuuuuurve!" Sirius winced slighty and the pitch and tried again, "Loooooove!...Luh-huuuve!...lo-"
Sirius was pelted in the head.
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Bland, bland, bland: that's what Derrick was.
Lily had been studying his face for the last half an hour; trying to make a cons and pros list to the bloke she was now dating for some uncanny reason.
Let's just say the cons side of the hypothetical parchment in her head was extremely weighed down, so hefty that the left side of her head would be impaled into the ground.
She had learnt one thing about him, though.
"Your hair is blinding," she muttered, rather puzzled. She was completely mystified by the appearance of the blonde spikes which were probably so sharp with gel that they could prick your finger with blood. She imagined she wouldn't be raking her fingers through that particular hair...
Derrick leaned towards her, frowning. "I'm sorry, what?" He asked, holding a hand to his ear.
Honestly, what was with this boy and his obsession with hand gestures? It was like he was talking to her as if she were permanently deaf. If he was asking for the time, he'd tap his finger to his wrist. If he asked if she were thirsty, he'd juggle an open hand in front of his mouth for at least two minutes, mimicking holding a glass but really looking like he was making the 'jerking-off' sign. If he was asking if she was hungry, he'd make hand gestures of stuffing the non-existent food into his big gob.
He had gigantic choppers. Really, it's quite chilling when he leans into peck her cheek. Lily is quite afraid that he will accidentally swallow her whole.
"Lily, are you listening to me?"
She blinked and came out of her reverie, pursing her lips. "Hmm?" she said.
Derrick heaved a sigh disapprovingly as if he was the professor and she was the student. "You are listening to me, aren't you, dear?"
Lily gave him a blank look. "...Dear?" she echoed slowly.
Pet names? Oh joy.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, standing to his feet. "I really need to go to the bathroom."
He was about to make a hand gesture of pointing down to his crotch but Lily stopped him with a pleading look of understanding.
"I won't be long," he murmured, licking his upper and lower lip. She grimaced at the so-called look of seductiveness. "Then maybe we can take a little trip to the broom closet, eh?"
Lily inwardly groaned. "Maybe," she replied weakly with a bogus smile.
The second Derrick exited the library doors, leaving Lily alone in a secluded corner of book shelves; she breathed a sigh of relief being out of the boy's company and muttered the bitter words of, "Maybe not," to complete Derrick's invitation.
"What have I done?" Lily murmured to herself, running a hand through her hair.
She had made the right decision, hasn't she?
Yes.
That's why she wanted to claw out her hair and use it to gag herself whenever Derrick got in a five mile radius of her.
Yes... No—no, she was fine! Absolutely fine!
"Or not," she mumbled, dropping a book on Unforgivable Curses from her hands that had subconsciously picked the reading material up.
So maybe she wasn't as fine as she thought.
"You dropped your book there," a voice softly said next to her.
Lily jumped out of her skin and cursed to herself that Derrick was short on bathroom breaks.
"Oh," she said in surprise, focusing on Remus and Peter before her. "It's just you two," she acknowledged and made a silent, "Thank goodness," to herself.
Lily flinched at the sound of chewing and frowned at Peter who appeared to be eating...marshmallows?
"Pettigrew, why are you eating marshmallows?"
Peter stopped in mid-chew, which was unfortunately bad news to Lily as his mouth was wide open and she could see the mushy pink and whiteness of the deceased fluffiness.
"Peter, don't eat them all, or Sirius will have your head," Remus hissed, turning red as Lily chuckled.
Peter nodded obediently. "Uhuh," he mumbled, about to spit out the pulp of chewed marshmallow on to the library floor.
"No! Don't spit that one out!" Remus cried.
"Uhuh," Peter mumbled again, unsure what to do with the soft mush sitting on his spread out tongue.
"Just eat it, Wormtail. Eat it," Remus said, massaging the bridge of his nose as he sighed tiredly.
As Peter chewing happily on his marshmallow, he picked up the book that Lily had dropped earlier and eyed her warily as he read the cover.
"Merely knocked it over by accident," Lily said, grabbing the book from his hand and stuffing it back on the bookshelf.
Remus crossed his arms sceptically. "You looked a little relieved to see us. Who were you expecting, your boyfriend?"
Lily felt her mouth go dry and she took a seat uncomfortably on one of the library chairs. "James told you, then."
"Sirius got it out of him," Remus explained, "After he'd locked us out of the dormitory for two hours after completely destroying it, half naked, and gotten through at least five tubs of vanilla ice cream."
Lily resisted asking the question, 'What is with that boy and nudity?' aloud. "Vanilla ice cream?" she repeated in a little amusement.
"The house elves were out of chocolate."
Lily wrung her fingers through her robes and upturned her head. "Is he okay after yesterday?" she asked with caution.
Remus tried to resist a glare. "So you do care, then?" he said rather dryly.
Lily narrowed her eyes. "Of course I care!" she cried in outburst.
The sound of more chewing interrupted the heated conversation and both their heads snapped to look at the rather embarrassed yet famished boy.
"Peter, if you're going to carry on eating those marshmallows, will you please do it more quietly," Remus suggested in exhausted desperation, "I heard there's some colouring books on the other side of the library."
Peter's eyes widened in glee and he practically Disapparated from the spot, running from the secluded area clutching his packet of marshmallows highly in the air.
Remus joined the seat across Lily and looked at her with intent. "Why are you doing this?" he asked to the point.
Lily cursed the fact that she'd been closed off into corner of the library deliberately. If she didn't know herself, she would have thought one of the Marauders put some sort of toilet charm on Derrick so he needed to urinate and leave Lily alone so they could interrogate her.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she played clueless.
Remus shook his head with disappointment. "Don't insult my intelligence, Lily."
She rose to her feet. "I'm not!" she protested, turning away from him to face a shelf of books, avoiding his eye contact. She was starting to feel dizzy with the amount of literature in front of her eyes. "It's the only way…"
"Only way for what?" Remus questioned her.
"He can't get to me because somebody is already there."
Remus tried to interpret what she was saying. "James can't get to you because Derrick's there?"
Lily nodded glumly. "Yes. He can't get to me because somebody got there first-"
"James was first," Remus interjected.
Lily flushed. "Well…who cares about chronological order!"
Remus couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous situation. "You have no justified explanation for going out with Derrick," he stated, throwing his hands in the air. "Face it."
"Me and James are jinxed together, Remus!" Lily said, reminding him the unconscious knockouts and attacks by senile, elderly witches. "The second we come in any close contact, something bad happens."
"Don't be so cynical," Remus scolded her. "More bad things happen when you're apart."
Lily flustered, not wanting to believe the truth. "Well…I…er…bugger you!" she said lamely, trying to make her way pass Remus but he determinedly stood in her way.
"You're making the biggest mistake of your life."
Lily stuck out her lower lip. "What are you, a seer now?" she mumbled.
"I'm being methodical."
Lily couldn't take it anymore. "You have to get over this," she pleaded, "You and Sirius," she emphasised. "James and I cannot be together! I don't want him back in the Hospital wing because of me."
Remus gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean, 'because of me'?"
"Snape hurt him," Lily hissed, lowering her voice so she wouldn't be chucked out by the huffy librarian. "They got in that stupid fight and James nearly died! All because of me-"
"No he didn't," Remus butted in, "That fight had nothing to do with you. James barely even took part."
Lily shook her head and looked at Remus with sorrowful eyes. "I don't believe you," she breathed.
Remus resisted the urge to slam a nearby book at her face. "I swear on my life," he said steadily.
"You're one of James' best friends, Remus. How am I supposed to trust you?"
"You should trust me because of that."
"What's going on here?"
Lily jumped away from Remus and nearly toppled over a bookshelf as she tumbled in to it. "Derrick!" she said, flustered.
The boy walked silently over to Lily's side and rested an arm defensively over her shoulders. "Remus," Derrick greeted with an inclined nod.
"Derrick," Remus replied curtly.
The boys had always been on mutual terms, neither liking or disliking each other, but simply knowing who each other were and both having the same characteristics of being respectively studious. The difference between them was that Remus Lupin had a personality, whilst Derick was just bland and missed something called a soul. Derrick kept a watchful eye back and forth between Lily and Remus, as if making an aggressive mental note in his head.
"I do appreciate it if you keep away from Lily from now on," Derrick said in a rather polite tone. "You and the Marauders," he added. "You can understand, can't you, Remus? Over-protectiveness."
Remus could already feel himself leaning to the 'dislike' part of Derrick. "Right," he grunted.
Derrick tightened his arm around Lily, leaning his mouth into her hair. "Say goodbye to your friend now," his breath blew over her.
Lily pushed Derrick's arm of her shoulder, giving him a defiant look, and looked at Remus apologetically, but he'd already marched off towards the library exit.
"Come on, Peter!" Remus called, wincing at his projected voice as the librarian glared at him, making a 'sssssshhh' sound that lasted at least two minutes and landed him with a spit-covered face.
Peter appeared round the corner of a bookshelf, mouth open with marshmallow gnawing. "But I haven't found the colouring book ye-"
"Now, Peter."
"Okie-dokie."
Lily watched as the two boys chatted on their departure, trying hard not to look Derrick in the eye who looked extremely peeved at her actions.
"Hey, Remus? Want to hear a good joke?"
"Does it involve you asking 'Do you like seafood?', and me answering 'yes', then you sticking out your tongue with masticated marshmallows afloat?"
Peter answered hesitantly. "Er...no?"
"Then go ahead."
"Do you like sea food?"
Remus stopped in his tracks and stuck out his jaw. "No. I do not."
"BLAAAAH!" Peter stuck out his tongue, bits of pink and white fluffiness hanging off it. "Get it? Eh? Sea food! See food! Har har!"
The second the library door slammed shut, Lily slowly turned her head to face Derrick who did not look at all amused.
"Don't show me up like that again," he hissed. "Dear," he added sweetly.
Lily fumed, about to go into hysterics with screaming of, 'DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE TOSSER!'
But she couldn't. As long as Derrick was with her, James couldn't get to her. Derrick was in the way of anything happening between them, and no matter how much Lily wouldn't like to admit it, she needed him. Not out of romantic feels such as affection or love, but merely for protection against the one she deniably had affections for in the first place.
"Yes...dear," Lily feigned a smile, thought it was tinged with sneering.
"When I'm talking with someone you should stick to my side like glue," Derrick added.
"Yes, dear," she repeated again, forcing her hands not to wring around his neck.
Maybe, just maybe, if she closed her eyes and imagined Derrick was James, everything would be fine again.
Of course, she'd done it before but unintentionally. An image of James had somehow cropped into her head once before without her consent, as Derrick had kissed her outside the broom closet, the very one the Marauders had been hiding in. She didn't know how James' image had been planted there, and why his name had been moaned so pleasurably from her lips. But it had, and she had hated every ounce of herself for letting it.
Maybe, just maybe, imagining Derrick was James would help her though this terrible predicament.
So when Derrick leaned to kiss her softly on the lips, she tried to hold back the tears of disgust and the grimace on her face, and kissed him back.
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"Sirius, give it back. Now."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Sirius!"
"Please, Moony?"
"No!"
This so-called conversation in the so-called haven of the Gryffindor common looked extremely odd to outsiders. It was even more confusing for insiders such as Peter Pettigrew who'd abandoned their company to shadow James whilst they searched the shelves of the Forbidden section of the library for pranks to humiliate Derrick.
"Give it back!" Remus whined, losing all dignity as he pleaded in near hysteria.
Sirius swung the book, Hogwarts: A History, back and forth between his forefinger and thumb above the fireplace. "You know what you have to do to make me give it back," he smiled evilly.
"I'm not doing it, Sirius," Remus repeated again. "Now," he tried to breathe calmly but only mimicked a bull breathing smoke out of his nostrils, "Give back the book. It's not even mine! I just got it out of the library after Holly returned it. You know, the girl you scared away after making up an outlandish night we apparently had together."
Sirius chuckled at the thought of the mentioned prank. "All you have to do is accept and I'll give you the book back," he said simply.
Remus was very much losing his patience. "No!" he said determinedly, flaring his nostrils. "Sirius, if you drop that book in that fire or even get an ounce of it in bad condition I will bite you. If the librarian finds one speck of harm on that book-"
Sirius stopped him before he went on. "Don't recite the Library Laws now, please," he moaned. "I'm begging you."
Remus quirked an eyebrow. "I've told you the Declaration of the Protection of Hogwarts Library Books?"
"Uh, let me see," Sirius faked contemplation, "Law number one: never eat around books. Law number two: never lick your finger to turn the page, it is unhygienic and the pages will get greasy. Law number three: do not fold the pages over to remember which page you were last on; bookmarks were invented for a reason. Law number four: handle the pages delicately, a crumpled book is an unhappy book. Law number five: do the loco-motion—"
"What?" Remus choked.
"I added the last one to see if you were listening or not," Sirius grinned.
Remus rolled his eyes. "I take it I have recited the rules to you, then. You skipped one though: 'never talk over a book - the pages do not want your saliva on it'."
"I do apologize," Sirius said dryly. "So...will you do it?"
Remus laughed ridiculously. "No," he echoed again, but his laughter evolved into a scream as Sirius dropped the book and caught it again, merely inches way from falling into the fire.
"You're being very selfish, Moony."
"Selfish? Selfish! Do you realise what you're asking me to do?" Remus shrieked.
"I don't see what the big deal is."
"YOU'RE ASKING ME TO SEDUCE SNAPE FOR A BLOODY PRANK!"
Sirius winced at the shouting. "Well, from what you told me about that interesting Potions lesson, it won't be that hard to do. He was rather smitten with you."
Remus' eyes bulged. "Rhiana," he gritted through his teeth, "Rather smitten with Rhiana."
Sirius chewed openly on his Droobles gum and blew a giant bubble that popped in Remus' face. "Whatever, Moony," he sighed. "So…will you do it?" he asked for the hundredth time.
"No! No, no, no!" Remus whined. "Why can't you do it? All you have to do is take the Polyjuice potion with James' hair in it and dress up like Rhiana."
Sirius looked at him with disappointment. "Because it wouldn't be the same, Moony. He was obviously charmed by your personality, so if I were to pretend to be Rhiana, he would obviously see through the facade and know it was me."
Remus couldn't see the 'obvious', visible lines in Sirius' explanation. "I won't do it," he said again.
As Sirius was preoccupied with looking like a child who'd been denied his favourite dessert, Remus took the chance to snatch the book out of his hands and clutch it protectively against his chest.
"Ha! I have the book! You have nothing to hostile me! I have prevailed!" Remus bellowed, wrapping the book under his crossed arms.
Sirius smirked.
Remus whitened.
Sirius smirked again.
"Don't make me tie you up, Muh-hoony," he warned in an oddly cheerful tone.
Remus paled more than physically possible. "You wouldn't dare."
"I did it with Prongs."
Remus formed a similar Peter Pettigrew Squeak and took a step backwards, unfortunately bumping into a common chair which led him to taking a seat, clutching the chair arms with terrified fingers.
"I will nipple cripple you," Remus threatened, but the terrorising didn't have the same effect when he was speaking as if he were on a helium.
"I'm wearing layers," Sirius grinned. "Many layers of clothing, Moony. Your nipple crippling hands will not be able to cut through the thick jumpers I'm wearing which James' mother knitted me."
"No!" Remus gasped. "Not the Christmas jumpers!"
"Six years worth. Including birthdays."
"I have been trounced!" Remus wailed, causing many onlookers of the common room to look at the two. "Mrs. Potter's knitted jumpers have vanquished me!" He scrambled to his feet and was now climbing over the furniture to escape Sirius - Remus Lupin never climbed over furniture. He always said, "Don't put your feet on the furniture, Sirius. It's rude and nobody wants to sit on your muddy footprint-what are you doing with that foot! You're deliberately sitting with your feet on the arm chair to annoy me, aren't you?"
"No—NOOOOO! Aaaaargh!"
Ten minutes later, Remus had been tied to a chair, blindfolded in the sixth year dormitory. He had slightly calmed down.
"LET ME GO, QUIXOTIC ABDUCTOR!"
Mildly.
"Was the blindfolding really necessary?" Remus asked. His eyesight was blocked with a blindfold consisting of one of Peter's old belts that had gotten too small for him.
Sirius shrugged, stirring the Polyjuce potion in the cauldron on the usual filthy floor. "Not really," he admitted. "I've always wanted to blindfold someone, yet I'd always imagined it with a girl with somewhat sensual implications."
Remus let that perverted comment pass. "Haven't you ever blindfolded someone whilst playing 'Pin the tail on the ass' at a party?"
Sirius gaped. "Pinning a tail on someone' arse?" he repeated, rather disgusted. "What kind of parties do you go to exactly?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Donkey ass. Not buttocks ass."
"Oh. Right."
Sirius towered over Remus, holding the Polyjucie potion in his hands. "I'm going to put the potion in your mouth now so open wide look a good boy," he teased.
The second Sirius pushed the goblet towards Remus' mouth; the glass toppled against Remus' chin and hit his determinedly closed lips.
"Muh-hoony! Don't be so bloody awkward!"
Remus did not respond and kept his lips clamped together.
Sirius tried again and bashed the goblet against his mouth but only led to spilling Polyjuice potion on Remus' front. "Great, well done, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically. "Now it looks like you've got cum on your shirt. Congratulate yourself."
Remus slightly reddened but still did not respond.
"Oh, be like that, then," Sirius said, then faked walking as he stomped his feet. "I'll just eat you're entire collection of chocolates in your pillowcase-"
"Don't you dare!" Remus cried.
Sirius quickly shoved the goblet of potion towards his mouth, but unfortunately Remus had tried a different approach of securing his teeth together to block the potion going in.
Both boys screamed in pain, as the goblet had banged into Remus' teeth, and Remus had somehow chomped on one of Sirius' outstretched fingers.
Sirius sucked on his bleeding finger. "Bloody sharp werewolf molars."
"I am so biting you at full moon," Remus grumbled.
"Go ahead. I quite fancy being a werewolf; the moonlight makes my hair look all shiny."
"Curse your fortitude."
Sirius sighed, topped up the goblet of Polyjuice potion and stood before Remus again. "Okay, we're going to try one more time and-" He glanced down and found his trouser zip embarrassingly open. "God, I'm glad you're blindfolded," he laughed, trying to close it though it looked strongly caught.
"What?" Remus said confusedly, wondering what on earth what was going.
Another couple of people were wondering what on earth was going on too.
"What the hell!" James screamed, completely horrified as he stood by the open doorway along with a white Peter. "What's...why are you...is he blindfolded? What the hell is going on?"
"Gavommiting..." Peter muttered, predictably.
Sirius froze as he failed zipping his trousers. "Prongs! Wormtail!" He said with a cheerful smile which slowly turned into a greatly downwards frown. "This looks bad, doesn't it?" he said knowingly to himself. He tried again to tug at his zipper but it had somehow got caught on something else, a particular organ, and he wailed in pain, falling to the floor.
"James? Is that you?" Remus tried to tug his hands free and whirled his head around in all directions as he couldn't see. "Save me from this eccentric lunatic! He's trying to make me swallow-"
"UUURGH! UUURGH!" James bellowed, covering his ears. "UUURGH! UUURGH!" he kept repeating, very much repulsed.
"Are the rumours true?" Peter quietly asked, hiding behind James who was still shrieking. "I heard rumours."
Sirius tried to scrape himself from the floor but only rolled around like a dying seal. "What are you...even talking about?" he wheezed, howling in pain.
"What is going on? Stop screaming, James!" Remus ordered, annoyed at his high-pitched-ness. "Somebody get me out of this chair, for Christ's sake! I hate being oblivious to what's going on!" He continued to scramble, trying to kick out his bounded legs. Unfortunately, this only led to tipping the chair over and Remus fell sideways with an 'AAAAAAH!'
"What's that on your shirt?" James wailed, pointing to Remus' front. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD! UUURGH! UUURGH!"
"Is this what you do when you're alone?" Peter asked with widened eyes. "Do you like to do kinky sex games where you blindfold yourself and tie each other to chairs? Do you take it in turns? Do you make it up yourself? Do you enjoy it?"
"WHAT!" Sirius and Remus screamed.
"My friends are poofters!" James kept a hand on either side of his face and gawked. "My friends are shirtlifters! My friends are bum boys! My friends are sausage jockeys! My friends are-"
"Going to...kick...your...arse," Sirius hissed, making a sound of 'GAH...' as he continued to roll about, holding both hands to his crotch
"What are babbling on about?" Remus said from the floor. "Sirius tied me up so he could force-drink me Polyjuice potion to become you, to become Rhiana!"
There was much embarrassing silence.
James fiddled nervously with his shirt collar and gave them an apologetic look. "Well, you could've said that in the first place..." he trailed off, as if he'd given them plenty of opportunities to explain themselves in between the high pitched wails of 'UUUURGH!'
If Sirius wasn't currently experiencing the worst pain imaginable, he would have smacked James upside the head.
"You really don't like doing kinky sex games?" Peter asked, with an odd hint of his voice showing that he was actually quite disappointed.
Remus made a mental note of this.
"Seriously, guys?" Sirius was crouched on the floor, looking on the verge of tears. "Get a ham-balance. Or Madam Poms Poms. I think I'm bleeding...from the inside."
"Don't you mean an ambulance?" Remus corrected him.
"Same to you mate," Sirius said, thinking Remus was insulting him somehow.
Sirius made an excruciating moan and blacked out, collapsing with his head in a pile of glass that hadn't been cleaned up from James' hysteria of flinging objects at walls.
"Did that look like it hurt?" Remus asked, his eyes still covered with the blindfold of Peter's trouser belt.
James stepped over to Sirius and prodded his shoe in his left cheek. "Exceedingly," he answered.
Remus smirked. "Good."