@)~~~~
Present Day
@)~~~~
"Kagome, honey," Sango began hesitantly. "Honey" was a word some magazine said women should use to other women when they were trying to be empathetic. Sango had only learned about the wide world of womanhood upon meeting Kagome and empathy was this month's lesson. Empathy to women, Sango scientifically concluded, was used primarily for consolation after an unsuccessful love affair. How she detested it.
"Yeah Sangoh?" Kagome's red rimmed eyes and clogged nose were the ravaged remnants of four days worth of endless sobbing and romance films complimented with well known aphrodisiacs such as strawberries and chocolate, oysters, and (believe it or not) duck liver. Sango had decided to practice this new fangled "empathy" and try the duck liver with her. She was then consumed with the urge to lay an egg for twelve hours afterwards, but was uncertain of how to go about it.
"It's been thirteen dates and eight years since Hojo. I have never seen such a hopeless case of errant and dismissed heterosexuality. You even wore a thong on the first date for the last six."
"Errand wha--?"
"You don't need to try so hard." The effect was like being drowned in ice water after a brewsky hangover.
"Not TRY so hard?! Sango, my metaphorical ovaries call me an "old maid", small children seem ruder than usual, men have tighter pants and other girls have bigger breasts and...and...I'M NEVER GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN!"
Realization hit Sango like water hits an arthritic baby duck.
"CHILDREN?! Is this what these past eight years of torture have been for?! CHILDREN?!"
"Why else do people date?!"
"Sex?" responded Sango, unsure of herself. That is what Cosmo implied, but sometimes she wasn't all that sure....
Kagome hesitated. "Well, yes...but...I've always wanted an excuse to buy little booties...."
Sango shrugged. "So get one of those incredibly obese cats people breed to torture."
"Yes, Sango, but it's not the same. I want it to giggle and watch Sesame Street and go to school and come home and spill pudding on itself and then call me 'Mommy' and then, every Saturday, we'll go to the park and feed swans...." Kagome trailed off and Sango knew her friend had gone AWOL due to her glazed expression. She felt it was the best opportunity to steal the rest of Kagome's bagel. The news blared on the television and Sango turned to watch.
"Kagome!"
@)~~~~
On Inuyasha's side of reality...
@)~~~~
"We don't particularly cater to criminals, sir."
"But, I have a degree and everything..." said Inuyasha in what he hoped sounded hopeful and eager.
"A criminal with a degree?"
"Oh yes."
"What did they put you in for? Exploding pocket protectors?" the job agent guffawed and Inuyasha snapped a pen.
"A slight misunderstanding with a co-worker" said Inuyasha primly, ignoring the blue ink that was leaking into his pants.
"Ah. Happens all the time here. 'S why you never hire women." Inuyasha, turned sexist in all his time at prison, tried very hard to mentally disagree.
"Ehem," he said as a conversation filler.
"Well, I like you. I'm willing to break federal laws in order to get an upstanding boy such as yourself back in the workforce. Especially if it was a woman that knocked you so low."
Inuyasha felt himself rising with giddiness, albeit slightly dampened with cool inky liquid.
"They have an opening at Krispy Kreme. You said you were a computer engineer, right?"
@)~~~~
Back to Kagome...
@)~~~~
"KAGOME!"
Kagome's motherhood fantasy was broken with Sango's flailing form and bulging eyes.
"Wha--?"
"You could get an IVF!!!!!" Sango yelled with five exclamation points, a sure sign of a woman who wears her underpants on her head.
"Erm?"
"In vitro fertilization! They'll make a baby for you with the sperm of a guy you learn everything about but never meet so he can't suddenly be a eunuch or something--"
"You don't need to rub it in, Sango! He stuffed it!" said a completely in- tuned Kagome.
"Right, well. You can have a baby and never again worry about men! As a species!"
Kagome looked over to the television screen and the documentary on Discovery Health that changed her life forever.
"Sango! I'm going to call my mom!" she squealed the squeal of a girl who was certain every mother's dream was to find out her daughter gave up on men, women, and quadrupeds alike and had instead settled for a cup of sperm and a long list of complications....
@)~~~~
Inuyasha again...
@)~~~~
Lying under a damp cardboard box wasn't so bad, he thought, he just didn't want to know what made it damp....
And the rags fitted him well. They gave him a roguish social security look. Chicks love the...social security...look. Yep.
And Bill in the trashcan next-door thought he had everything. Hunh.
Inuyasha decided it was time to scavenge for food simply to forget the past eight years of his life. He sighed as he found a box of moldy Cheerios. At one point in his life, he'd never even imagined that Cheerios could mold before they reached his mouth.
He was in the street now, his stomach taking away what little sanity he retained with its incessant gurgling. Oh well, hearing that noise for the rest of his life was a million times better than—
"Inuyasha!"
The bearer of the name stopped in shock. He thought better than to turn around.
"Inuyasha! I know you can hear me! It's me!"
Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Please let it be a decrepit pimp with a toothache, herpes, and a hangover with an army of millions of violent homosexuals that felt he would be a good bitch for the time being. Please. ANYTHING but---
"Sesshoumaru! Your brother! Come on, boy, turn around and give your brother a hug!"
Inuyasha reached for the closest sharp object (which, in his case, happened to be an angry cat) and turned around threateningly...
...to find his father glaring at him.
"What's this I hear about prison?" said Inutashio with the strict tone of a man used to asking such questions...just not to his own son....
"Um."
"Impregnating a woman, I hear."
"No, Dad," interjected Sesshoumaru, "that was assaulting a woman. Inuyasha hasn't impregnated a woman since--"
"I've NEVER impregn--"
"Don't you talk back to your brother!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well," said the eldest inuyoukai, "We'll just have to fix your delinquency. Five years in prison hardly makes a man. I'm sending you to work with Sesshoumaru. No questions or you're disowned."
Inuyasha didn't know what was more painful, his father's news or the cat making a chew toy out of his nads.
Present Day
@)~~~~
"Kagome, honey," Sango began hesitantly. "Honey" was a word some magazine said women should use to other women when they were trying to be empathetic. Sango had only learned about the wide world of womanhood upon meeting Kagome and empathy was this month's lesson. Empathy to women, Sango scientifically concluded, was used primarily for consolation after an unsuccessful love affair. How she detested it.
"Yeah Sangoh?" Kagome's red rimmed eyes and clogged nose were the ravaged remnants of four days worth of endless sobbing and romance films complimented with well known aphrodisiacs such as strawberries and chocolate, oysters, and (believe it or not) duck liver. Sango had decided to practice this new fangled "empathy" and try the duck liver with her. She was then consumed with the urge to lay an egg for twelve hours afterwards, but was uncertain of how to go about it.
"It's been thirteen dates and eight years since Hojo. I have never seen such a hopeless case of errant and dismissed heterosexuality. You even wore a thong on the first date for the last six."
"Errand wha--?"
"You don't need to try so hard." The effect was like being drowned in ice water after a brewsky hangover.
"Not TRY so hard?! Sango, my metaphorical ovaries call me an "old maid", small children seem ruder than usual, men have tighter pants and other girls have bigger breasts and...and...I'M NEVER GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN!"
Realization hit Sango like water hits an arthritic baby duck.
"CHILDREN?! Is this what these past eight years of torture have been for?! CHILDREN?!"
"Why else do people date?!"
"Sex?" responded Sango, unsure of herself. That is what Cosmo implied, but sometimes she wasn't all that sure....
Kagome hesitated. "Well, yes...but...I've always wanted an excuse to buy little booties...."
Sango shrugged. "So get one of those incredibly obese cats people breed to torture."
"Yes, Sango, but it's not the same. I want it to giggle and watch Sesame Street and go to school and come home and spill pudding on itself and then call me 'Mommy' and then, every Saturday, we'll go to the park and feed swans...." Kagome trailed off and Sango knew her friend had gone AWOL due to her glazed expression. She felt it was the best opportunity to steal the rest of Kagome's bagel. The news blared on the television and Sango turned to watch.
"Kagome!"
@)~~~~
On Inuyasha's side of reality...
@)~~~~
"We don't particularly cater to criminals, sir."
"But, I have a degree and everything..." said Inuyasha in what he hoped sounded hopeful and eager.
"A criminal with a degree?"
"Oh yes."
"What did they put you in for? Exploding pocket protectors?" the job agent guffawed and Inuyasha snapped a pen.
"A slight misunderstanding with a co-worker" said Inuyasha primly, ignoring the blue ink that was leaking into his pants.
"Ah. Happens all the time here. 'S why you never hire women." Inuyasha, turned sexist in all his time at prison, tried very hard to mentally disagree.
"Ehem," he said as a conversation filler.
"Well, I like you. I'm willing to break federal laws in order to get an upstanding boy such as yourself back in the workforce. Especially if it was a woman that knocked you so low."
Inuyasha felt himself rising with giddiness, albeit slightly dampened with cool inky liquid.
"They have an opening at Krispy Kreme. You said you were a computer engineer, right?"
@)~~~~
Back to Kagome...
@)~~~~
"KAGOME!"
Kagome's motherhood fantasy was broken with Sango's flailing form and bulging eyes.
"Wha--?"
"You could get an IVF!!!!!" Sango yelled with five exclamation points, a sure sign of a woman who wears her underpants on her head.
"Erm?"
"In vitro fertilization! They'll make a baby for you with the sperm of a guy you learn everything about but never meet so he can't suddenly be a eunuch or something--"
"You don't need to rub it in, Sango! He stuffed it!" said a completely in- tuned Kagome.
"Right, well. You can have a baby and never again worry about men! As a species!"
Kagome looked over to the television screen and the documentary on Discovery Health that changed her life forever.
"Sango! I'm going to call my mom!" she squealed the squeal of a girl who was certain every mother's dream was to find out her daughter gave up on men, women, and quadrupeds alike and had instead settled for a cup of sperm and a long list of complications....
@)~~~~
Inuyasha again...
@)~~~~
Lying under a damp cardboard box wasn't so bad, he thought, he just didn't want to know what made it damp....
And the rags fitted him well. They gave him a roguish social security look. Chicks love the...social security...look. Yep.
And Bill in the trashcan next-door thought he had everything. Hunh.
Inuyasha decided it was time to scavenge for food simply to forget the past eight years of his life. He sighed as he found a box of moldy Cheerios. At one point in his life, he'd never even imagined that Cheerios could mold before they reached his mouth.
He was in the street now, his stomach taking away what little sanity he retained with its incessant gurgling. Oh well, hearing that noise for the rest of his life was a million times better than—
"Inuyasha!"
The bearer of the name stopped in shock. He thought better than to turn around.
"Inuyasha! I know you can hear me! It's me!"
Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Please let it be a decrepit pimp with a toothache, herpes, and a hangover with an army of millions of violent homosexuals that felt he would be a good bitch for the time being. Please. ANYTHING but---
"Sesshoumaru! Your brother! Come on, boy, turn around and give your brother a hug!"
Inuyasha reached for the closest sharp object (which, in his case, happened to be an angry cat) and turned around threateningly...
...to find his father glaring at him.
"What's this I hear about prison?" said Inutashio with the strict tone of a man used to asking such questions...just not to his own son....
"Um."
"Impregnating a woman, I hear."
"No, Dad," interjected Sesshoumaru, "that was assaulting a woman. Inuyasha hasn't impregnated a woman since--"
"I've NEVER impregn--"
"Don't you talk back to your brother!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well," said the eldest inuyoukai, "We'll just have to fix your delinquency. Five years in prison hardly makes a man. I'm sending you to work with Sesshoumaru. No questions or you're disowned."
Inuyasha didn't know what was more painful, his father's news or the cat making a chew toy out of his nads.