Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction. New claims of originality are made. The current owners retained the copyrights. No material gain is expected.
Lunchroom Encounter
A Daria Story by Chubby Redburn
The dining hall at Lawndale High School reverberated with loud conversations, squeals, and sudden barks of laughter as Daria and Jane paid for their lunches. The short bespectacled teen scanned the room. Jane nodded when she pointed out a table near the windows to her. Trays in hand, they maneuvered through the crowded cafeteria to an empty spot in the far corner.
"The food is lousy and the service is so-so but you just can't beat the ambience of this place," Daria said to Jane as they sat down on opposite sides.
"That's why the Michelin Guide gave it two stars," Jane agreed munching on a french fry. "So, place your bets. What's the ratio of meat to soy in today's hamburger? The winner gets first crack at the antacid bottle."
Daria took a small bite of her burger and slowly chewed.
"It's a 1:1 ratio," she answered in her usual deadpan voice. "But I don't think that either one of them is meat of any sort."
"Ah, the deep mysteries of life are always found in a school lunchroom," Jane replied attacking her sandwich. "But we're high school sophomores. This is as close to adventure as we can get."
"I guess that rafting down the Mississippi isn't an option," Daria said.
"We could join my sister Penny in Central America," Jane said. "She mentioned that the volcano near the village she's living in was showing signs of activity in her last letter."
Loud hooting and guffaws from a nearby table snared Daria's attention. Kevin Thompson, the starting quarterback for the Lawndale High School football team, had shot milk through his nose yet again. His teammates found it hilarious even though Kevin managed that stunt at least twice a week. The cheerleaders had forced smiles on their faces. The quarterback's antics did not amuse them but they had no comment beyond rolling their eyes.
"Ms Li is allowing the football team to eat the burgers so whatever is in them can't be too bad," Daria mused.
"I wouldn't count on that too much," Jane countered. "They were 5-5 last season and they would have six months to recover in until they are needed next September."
"Spring football practice is next month, however," Daria pointed out. "They must in shape for those drills so they can bring honor and glory to Laaaaawndale High in the fall."
Daria glanced back at the football players. Kevin had expanded his repertoire beyond milk. He was holding two French fries up to his head and charging his friends. They were jumping aside like matadors. With his head lowered, Kevin ran past one teammate and nearly collided with Jodie Landon.
"Hey," she yelled swinging her tray from his path.
"Watch where you're going, Kevin," Mack, her boyfriend, snapped.
"Oh, sorry, Mack Daddy," Kevin apologized. "I'm a bull."
"Be careful or you might end up as an ox," Mack grumbled.
"Strong as an ox?" Kevin asked in confusion.
"Never mind," Mack said shaking his head in resignation. He trudged after Jodie who had joined Daria and Jane.
"You know, Kevin is basically a nice guy," Mack said as he sat down. "But Lord knows there's hardly a day that goes by where I don't want to strangle him."
"You and DeMartino should form a club," Jane chuckled. "You could put out a calendar. Three hundred and sixty-five ways to kill Kevin. A new method everyday. I'd do the drawings for you for a cut of the profits."
"It's tempting at times," Mack snorted.
"You really shouldn't joke about such things," Jodie chided them.
Jane laughed. "I saw the look on you face when Kevin nearly ran into you. You wanted to break the tray over his head. Admit it."
"Okay, so I did," Jodie replied. "But still, it just is bad form to talk about killing someone especially in a school in this day and time. Don't you agree, Daria?"
"Now you're talking to the teenaged queen of revenge fantasies, Jodie," Jane said. "She's probably dreamed up more ways to kill Kevin in the four months that she's been here then the rest of us who have known Kevin for years. Eh, Amiga?"
Everyone at the surrounding tables heard Daria's reply because the lunchroom fell into one of those strange lulls that large crowded rooms do at times.
"No," she said not noticing the sudden quiet. "I simply feel sorry for Kevin more then anything else."
Kevin slid to a halt in amazement. His hands dangled at his sides still clutching the fries as his mind slowly processed Daria's words. They made no sense to him.
"Why do you feel sorry for me?" he demanded striding over to her table. "I'm the QB. Everybody looks up to me. I'm a hero."
Daria silently cursed. Confrontation she did not mind but she preferred her meals to be peaceful. Kevin, however, showed no signs of leaving until she answered him. Daria shook her head regretfully. "No, Kevin, not everyone admires you. I, for one, do not."
"Well, what do you know," he barked. "You're just a brain and…and…you're just a brain."
"Yes," Daria replied politely. "And being a brain has allowed me to make a few deductions that are likely correct. The conclusions that I have drawn have led me to feel sorry for you."
Kevin was not truly sure he knew what deductions meant but he launched himself into the fray nonetheless. "What deductions?" he asked belligerently.
Daria took a long sip of her soda before answering. "I presume that either in kindergarten or the first grade you diagnosed as having some sort of learning disability, mild mental retardation or something close to it."
"I'm not retarded," Kevin retorted.
"Kevin, you are," Daria replied gently. "There is no shame in that. You can help it no more then I can help having poor eyesight. It's just the genetic cards that we were dealt. However, my parents saw to it that I received glasses to correct my vision problem but those who should have seen to it that you received the help that you need have let you down."
"What are you talking about?" Kevin asked trying to follow the girl's reasoning.
"Undoubtedly, after the school system determined your condition, they consulted with your parents," Daria continued. "But instead of working with the school to outline a program for you, they balked. I suppose that they felt that acknowledging your condition would stigmatize them in some way so they forced the school to keep you in regular classes. Your elementary teachers knew that you had learning difficulties and some of them might have even tried to give you some extra help but with thirty-odd students to deal with they simply did not have the time so they did not make waves and you were passed along."
Kevin frowned. Mrs. Wellesley seemed to live over his shoulder when he was in the third grade and he did remember his parents having several loud arguments over the years. His name cropped up frequently during those shouting matches but that did not prove anything.
"If I'm so dumb," Kevin asked. "Why do I keep passing?"
Daria cocked her head and gave him an inquisitive look. "You really don't know do you?" she asked.
"Know what?" Kevin asked.
"To continue with my supposition," Daria replied. "If Lawndale is anything like Highland then football is big in junior high school also. I am willing to say that in the sixth or seventh grade, the powers that be made another startling discovery about you. The genetic card shark that dealt you a learning disability also dealt you one hell of an ace. You received phenomenal hand-eye coordination. With very little practice, you were able to throw a football better then anyone the coaches had seen in years. Am I right?"
"Well, yeah," Kevin said with pride. "Coach Black said that I was the best junior high QB he ever seen. Even better then Tommy Sherman."
"And you starting getting better grades too didn't you?" Daria asked
Kevin furrowed his brow in thought. "Yeah," he answered. "I started getting C's instead of D's but so what? I was doing better 'cause I was getting smarter."
"How often did Coach Gibson or Ms Li attend your games in junior high?" Daria asked ignoring Kevin's declaration.
"They were at all of the games my last year there," he said. "They sat with my parents a lot."
Daria nodded but said nothing. Kevin waited for her reply but she took another bite from her burger. Anger rose within him as he looked around at all of the faces that were staring at him.
"So first you call me stupid," Kevin snapped." "Now you are ignoring me."
"I never did call you stupid," Daria corrected him. "And I was not ignoring you. I was waiting for you to make the connections yourself."
"You think I'm stupid, remember," he snarled as if he had not heard her. "You'll have to do it for me."
"Fine," Daria answered calmly. "What next happened was that you went from being passively overlooked to actively exploited by those who should have been helping you; your parents, Ms Li, your coaches. Each for reasons of their own has reduced you to a commodity. A commodity with a very limited shelf life, I might add."
"Limited? It's called the NFL?" Kevin said. "Ever hear of it? I can play 'til I'm forty."
"Yes but unlike baseball the NFL doesn't draft high school players," she replied. "You have to go to college and to get into college you have to pass the S.A.T."
"Daria, I'm the QB," Kevin countered talking slowly as if he were explaining the obvious to a dimwit. "I have to learn the entire playbook. I have to make snap decisions in the game. You have to be smart to play QB."
"That's part of my point, Kevin," Daria patiently replied. "You may have difficulties doing so but you can learn. However, what they are teaching you is not what you need to know to survive beyond high school."
"I'm learning good," Kevin replied emphatically. "Besides, I'm already getting letters from colleges. I'm gonna to be a star but you will still be nothing but a brain."
"Tell her, Kevie," Brittany simpered glaring at Daria.
"You got it, babe," Kevin cooed at the cheerleader.
Daria took the final bite of her burger. She had not wanted to get into this conversation in the first place but now that she was in it, she wanted desperately to get through to Kevin. It was as Mack had said; Kevin was basically a nice guy. He did not deserve to end up on the ash heap as soon as his usefulness to others was over. He deserved a fighting chance. She tried another tack.
"Okay QB," she began. "The defense is in a basic 4-3. Corners are up tight on the receivers and the safety is cheating in. Coach calls for an off tackle run. What do you do?"
"They're gonna blitz," he replied immediately. "I'd audible to a quick screen pass."
"Good call," one of Kevin's teammates shouted. "You da man."
Kevin grinned at his buddy before turning back to Daria. "See, everyone else knows I know stuff."
"From who did the United States win their independence?" she asked.
"Uh," Kevin floundered. "The south?"
"I owe you fifty dollars," Daria said. "I promise to pay you one fourth of the original debt every week until I have paid it all back. How much money will I give you each week?"
"Twenty dollars?" Kevin guessed.
Daria sighed. "You have you eyes on playing in the NFL and you may even have the talent to do so but there's that little thing called the S.A.T. Even the most blatantly cheating football factory that attempts to pass itself off as a university requires a certain minimum score. A score which, given the screwing you have gotten for the last ten years, you are not capable of achieving."
Daria slid from the table and picked up her empty tray. The lanky QB was standing in the midst of a crowd looking befuddled.
"Do yourself a favor, Kevin, and talk to your mom when you get home this afternoon," Daria said kindly. "Or maybe Mr. DeMartino. He might be psychotic but he does care about his students and he is perhaps the only teacher here that will stand up to Ms Li if you ask for his help."
After one last glance to gauge the impact of her words on Kevin, she turned and wove her way through the throng that had gathered to listen in on her conversation with the quarterback. Many of them stared at her as if she was an alien that had landed in their midst and spoke a language that they could not comprehend. Daria mentally shrugged as she emptied her tray into the trash bin and slid it onto the conveyer. She was used to being the outsider and she knew this episode would only solidify her position as such at Lawndale High School. You cannot shake the tree of complacency without earning that reputation.
Jane, Jodie, and Mack fell into step with her in the hallway.
"That was quite a show," a bemused Mack said. "By the way, where did you learn about football? I had the impression that you hated the game."
"Trust me, if you grow up in Texas you learn about football whether you like it or not," Daria replied.
"Sad to say, I never stopped to consider that Kevin might have a learning disability," Jodie said. "I just wrote him off as another idiot jock and left it at that. No offense, Mack."
"None taken," he replied. "I spend too much time with those guys not to think the same thing but Kevin having a learning disability is pretty obvious when you do stop to think it."
"It's the only explanation," Daria said stopping beside her locker. "Otherwise, by simple osmosis if by nothing else, he would have more knowledge then he has by just showing up for classes."
"Osmosis would have to be the only way for him to learn," Jane said. "I've been going to school with him for years and I can't recall him ever opening a book."
"One question would be how well he reads," Daria responded. "For all we know, he might have difficulty with Curious George. If no one has ever truly taught him anything but football how much can we expect him to know realistically?"
"True that," Jane replied.
"It was very nice of you to try to get Kevin to see the problem," Jodie said. "The question is will anything good come of it."
"Unlikely," Daria answered extracting the textbooks she needed for her afternoon classes. "If no one has stood up and yelled 'this is wrong' in the last ten years I doubt if anyone will now."
"Except now maybe Kevin will understand that he has a problem," Jodie said hopefully. "Maybe he will ask for help."
"One can but hope," Daria said.
"You know, Daria, you try to hide it but you do sympathize with others," Jodie said lightly. "I should apologize for it seeming so unexpected to me."
"Yeah, compassion from the cynic," Jane said. "Who'd thunk it?"
"Good deeds only come back to haunt you," Daria said. "It won't happen again."
"Too late, Daria. The dam has burst," laughed Jane. "Soon you will be volunteering for every do good committee Lawndale has. You'll be reading to old people in nursing homes or mentoring young girls. Maybe animal rescue."
"You know that death-a-day calendar doesn't have to be limited to just Kevin," replied Daria as she slammed shut her locker.