Every Story is a Love Story
by
Draco's Daughter
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, not me. All original characters belong to moi (if there are any...)
A/N: Well, the first of the Court Jester's stories really took off so I'm writing another one. I got the name of Eowyn and Faramir's daughter off of Council of in the Rohirric name translator... so there!
---------------------------------
Story 2: Fortune Favors the Brave
The day after Legolas's first woven tale about his jester, Eldarion went to find the elf prince and brought along Eowyn and Faramir's daughter, Áhéawa, along with him. The said prince was found high in a tree on the outskirts of the city. He was singing a song in a clear voice, attracting some of Gondor's most available women.
"Twas then I met a pretty lass, she said her name was Nell... what rhymes with Nell?" Legolas asked, putting a slender hand over his face to think.
"Hey, Eldar, how do you get a blond elf out of a tree?" Áhéawa asked, nudging Eldarion in the rips with her elbow.
"I don't know," Eldarion replied, rubbing the spot where her elbow had come in contact with his ribs.
"Yell his name out at him," Áhéawa replied. Eldarion smiled before:
"Leeeeeeegolllllllllaaaaaaaaaasss!" Eldarion yelled. The elf in question fell out of his tree and gathered gasps from the gathered women. Legolas quickly hopped up and brushed himself off.
"I'm alright! What's the problem squirt?" Legolas asked, walking over to stand in front of Eldarion and Áhéawa.
"We wanna hear another story about the Jester guy," Eldarion said, smiling an extremely large smile that usually got him his way. Legolas looked lost in thought for a moment.
"Okay, I'll tell you another story. Come on, let's go somewhere more private," Legolas said, looking over his shoulder at his unwelcome female audience. This caused Eldarion and Áhéawa to giggle as the three headed off to the gardens of the Houses of Healing. When they got there, Legolas lifted the two children onto a sturdy branch of a tree and then climbed up himself. "Okay, so you know the one about the evil king with Eyebrows of doom who attempted to make his daughter live out a life of chastity. Now you both shall learn of a princess who wasn't allowed to fight."
Once Upon a Time...
Long ago, there was a king and a queen. But when the queen became pregnant and gave birth, she died from the effort for her children were twins.
"That's silly; women don't just DIE after having kids!" Áhéawa complained.
"They can and they do, now hush so I can tell the story!" Legolas replied, glaring at Áhéawa.
The king was heartbroken and shortly followed his wife in death. He left the twins to his brother who then became the king. He was annoyed at them and wished that he hadn't of been made to swear to his brother on his death bed that he would care for the two children. Twenty years later, things began to change.
"Hey now! If the daddy was dead, shouldn't the son be king?" Eldarion asked.
"Um. He's not of age for kingship yet! Yeah, that's right..." Legolas replied, smiling nervously. "Now, no more interruptions!"
So that the son could not become king, his uncle sent him to become the Third Marshall of the Riddermark. His sister was forced to work in the palace. Now, her uncle was obsessed with his looks and every day asked his palantir:
"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is fairest in all the land?" He would ask, holding the Palantir in his long-nailed hands. The face of Saruman the wise, freaky, geneticist White Wizard.
"According to my dark lord Sauron, the fairest in the land is that weird Court Jester, followed by your niece, Eowyn, and then there's you. Bye now, Sauron's calling me!" Saruman said, squealing like a teenaged groupie.
"That was... weird. I shall have to have that jester done away with! But because I don't know where said jester is located, I shall do away with my step-daughter! Send for Aragorn the Ranger!" Yelled Theoden.
"Hang on a minute! Last time Aragorn was a prince! What happened?" Eldarion asked, pouting.
"Well, this story is different, so there!" Legolas said, looking smug. "Now, shadup!"
Soon after Theoden sent for Aragorn, the ranger arrived in all his greasy glory! He dripped mud on the floor and smelled as if he hadn't of bathed in weeks.
"You summoned for me, milord?" He asked, bowing low to the king.
"Yes, well. My niece must be done away with. I trust you can do it? As proof I want her heart," Theoden said.
"Alright, I'll do it," Aragorn replied. He left the throne room and quickly made friends with Eowyn as they walked into the dense forest known as Fangorn. The Ranger took pity upon Eowyn because she was ranting about not being able to fight like her brother and so on and so forth. Even though he was annoyed with her, he still wanted her to live and battle the evil Theoden to restore her brother to the throne.
"Look, I was sent to kill you. I don't want to now so how about you running away and trying to survive in Fangorn," Aragorn said, motioning for Eowyn to run.
"I guess I can take the kindness of a total stranger. But tell me who sent you first," Eowyn replied, putting her hands on her hips.
"Your uncle," Aragorn replied. Eowyn gasped and started running away. Aragorn waved as she left. Soon he went and killed a pig to present its heart to Theoden. Theoden fried it up and ate it on the spot. Aragorn had seen orcs do worse so he collected his cash and went away. Eowyn wandered around Fangorn Forest for a while, getting freaked out by walking, talking trees and orcs from Isenguard. By sheer luck, she ran into the conveniently placed cottage. Throwing all caution to the wind, she entered and looked around. By the state of things, this cottage belonged to two people, one a complete slob and the other was some kind of elf. She ate of their food and became sleepy, so she slept in the elf's bed, seeing as it was just her size. At that time, the two occupants decided to come home.
"High ho! High ho! It's home from work we go!" Sang the court jester, his belled clothing jingling for he skipped home. His dwarf friend, Gimli trailed behind him.
"You know, Jester, if you don't stop singing that song, I shall find the whore you are singing about and make sure she knows of your appetite," Gimli said to his friend. The jester immediately shut up until they reached the door of their home.
"Gimli! Doth thou seeth what I seeth? The dooreth to our cottage hath been opened!" The Jester said, pointing with his long finger.
"I see, Laddie. You don't have to talk like an old Shakespearian actor to me," Gimli replied, giving the jester a whack on the head with his axe.
"Let us go inside our home carefully and see what caused this anomaly," The jester said, walking up to the cottage while drawing his bow and arrow. Gimli pulled his axe into an attack position as they went into their house. When they reached the only bedroom and saw Eowyn asleep, they lowered their weapons. "Well, I didn't expect a woman thief."
"Goofy elf! So, what do we do with her?" Gimli asked the Jester. Said jester thought for a moment.
"Let's ravish her!" The Jester said, feeling a bit starved for sex.
"Jester! This is supposed to be a G fic! Gah!" Gimli said as he hit the jester over the head repeatedly with his axe. This activity woke Eowyn up with a scream. She then saw what was going on.
"Hey, aren't there supposed to be seven of you guys?" She asked, pointing to Gimli and the Jester. They stopped chasing each other to speak with the woman.
"Well, the others decided it would be fun to go and talk with Elrond and save Middle-earth or something like that," The jester replied.
"I guess that's... uh... good. Listen, my uncle is trying to kill me, can I stay with you two?" Eowyn asked, giving the two males the ultimate puppy dog pout.
"Eru! I've only seen Frodo to one that cute! Alright, you can stay," Gimli said, shading his eyes from Eowyn's attack. So Eowyn was allowed to stay, for the next few days, the three got to know one another and the cottage became cleaner that when it was first built.
Back at the palace, King Theoden was once again worried about his looks so he once again consulted the Palantir.
"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?" He asked. Once again Saruman appeared.
"The Jester still reins supreme and Eowyn right behind him. You are still last," Saruman replied before leaving once again.
"WHHAAAAAAATTT! GET ME THE WITCH KING OF AGMAR!" Theoden yelled, tossing his Palantir away like a child with its toy. The Ringwraith appeared in a cloud of black smoke. Instead of wearing his usual back robes, he wore a bath robe. Instead of his mace, he carried a scrubber and a rubber ducky. He also wore a shower cap and was covered in suds.
"What is your problem, Theoden! I was in the shower!" He replied, looking extremely cross at the Rohirric king. Theoden was also shocked at the Ringwraith's appearance.
"I need a problem taken care of. My niece Eowyn must die so that I can be the second prettiest. If you can find him, you must also destroy the Court Jester who is the first prettiest," Theoden explained. The leader of the nine grumbled as he snapped his fingers and his regular clothing and effects appeared before setting out to find Eowyn. When he went outside the palace, he whistled and his fell beast appeared with a loud roar. Wordlessly, he hopped onto the beast and flew off, looking for Eowyn.
At the same time, the jester and Gimli were getting ready to head out to work again. They were lecturing Eowyn on the dangers of the forest.
"Now, there may not be Giant Spiders, but there are orcs and wargs here so be on your guard, keep a sword by your side at all times just in case," The jester said, looking very scholarly even though he wore his regular jester's clothing.
"And make sure you don't open the door to any strangers, lassie. If it's not me or the Jester, DO NOT open the door, bye now, lass. We'll be back at five," Gimli added, before walking off with the Jester in tow. Eowyn waved them goodbye before going back in and starting to clean up the mess of breakfast. At that moment, there was a knock on the door.
"Who's there?" She asked through the door.
"Pretty laces to sell! Fine laces to sell!" Was the chipper yet chilling reply. Now, Eowyn was fond of clothing to an extent and opened the door. The lace-seller was none other than the Witchking Ringwraith who had attempted to dress up as a woman. He carried a basket of stay-laces. Eowyn quickly sifted through the basket to find a lace. When she finally found one to match the dress she was wearing, she paid the strange "lady". "Would you like for me to put them on you?" He asked.
"Yeah, why not," Eowyn replied, handing the Witchking the lace. The Witchking gladly laced her up, he did it very tight though so Eowyn couldn't breathe. She then fell over passed out.
"Wait, how did the witchking get that outfit?" Áhéawa asked, stopping the story again.
"The peddler who sold me my boots," Legolas replied, glaring at the girl yet again.
"Shhhh, Áhéawa! I wanna hear the story!" Eldarion said, putting a finger to his lips.
Fortunately, the jester was coming home to get his hat, which he had forgot that morning. For everyone knows that a jester cannot function without his belled hat. When he saw Eowyn laying there on the front stoop, he knew that trouble was afoot. He noticed that the stay laces were a bit too tight so he loosened them, allowing Eowyn to breath.
"What happened?" He asked, helping Eowyn to sit up.
"There was a strange woman selling laces so I had to buy one. When she put it on me, she put it on far too tight and I could not breathe," Eowyn explained.
"I thought Gims made it clear that you weren't to open the door unless it was either me or him," The Jester said, looking cross with Eowyn.
"I'm sorry! I won't do it again, promise!" Eowyn relied. The Jester was quick to forgive as he got his hat and headed back off to work.
Later that day, in Rohan, Theoden was once again consulting his Palantir.
"Palantir, Palantir in my hand, who is fairest in all the land?" He asked, again he saw Saruman's face, looking strangely annoyed at the Rohirric king.
"The Jester reins still, as does Eowyn, then there is you, got it! Bye! I've got company over!" Saruman yelled at the stone.
"Who is it, Sauro?" Asked the Witchking.
"No one, just an idiotic Rohirric king wanting to know who the prettiest is," Saruman yelled back.
"Hang on, let me talk to the Witchking," Theoden said, looking very angry.
"Alright, but make it quick. The Palantir bill is killing me!" Saruman said, hading the stone over to the Witchking.
"Why is Eowyn STILL ALIVE AND PRETTIER THAN ME!" Theoden roared at his hit man.
"Well, I had her suffocated with some stay-laces I guess someone came along who was able to undo a Ringwraith knot," was the witchking's reply.
"Go and FINISH THE JOB!" Theoden roared again.
"Take a chill pill, man! I'll do it tomorrow, right now Middle-earth Survivor is on and I want to see who gets voted off tonight," The Witchking replied, hanging up. Theoden had a hissy fit that night.
The next day, The Jester and Gimli were about to leave for work.
"Don't worry about making dinner tonight. We're picking up some Hobbit cooking at the Green Dragon tonight," The Jester said, hyper.
"Remember, DON'T open the door UNLESS it's me or the Jester, goodbye," Gimli said, starting off, the jester kissed Eowyn's hand before jogging after the dwarf. Eowyn giggle merrily before entering into the cottage and locking the door behind her.
"Apples to sell, fine apples to sell!" Came a chipper but chilling voice. This time, Eowyn peeked out of the window. Yet again there stood the Witchking in a raggedy dress. Eowyn was cautious this time, just opening the window.
"May I see these fine apples?" Eowyn asked. The witchking sat his basket of apples onto the window seal.
"May I suggest this apple for the pretty lady, free of charge," said the sly Witchking. Eowyn took the apple that the Witchking offered her and took a bite out of it. Suddenly, it got stuck in her throat and she fell over, unconscious. "HA! I win!" The witchking then dropped the basket and stripped out of the dress he wore over his robes before skipping off.
Later that evening, The Jester and the Dwarf were returning with the Hobbit cookin. The Jester couldn't be trusted with it for he was prone to eat it before they reached the cottage.
"Just a bite! Come one Gimli!" The Jester pined, pulling every trick out of his book.
"No! Not one bite until we reach home!" Gimli replied, holing the bag tightly. Finally, they reached the cottage to see Eowyn sprawled on the kitchen, dead.
"By Illuvatar! Who could have done this?" The Jester asked, checking for pulse and finding none.
"It was her uncle, I'm sure of it! Well, no sense in just leaving her here. Let's build a coffin for her," Gimli said, going to fetch the finest crystal from the Glittering Caves. And build a coffin they did. They set it in the very heart of Fangorn so that anyone who dared come see a thing of pure beauty. The Jester kept watch so that no orcs or wargs would disturb the coffin. Day in and day out, he sat watch over the coffin. One day a ranger by the name of Faramir came riding through the forest and saw the coffin.
"Hello, what's this?" He asked, looking at Eowyn through the crystal.
"Be thou demon or mortal, I shall slay thee if thou darest disturb this coffin," The jester said, aiming his bow at Faramir. The ranger quickly put his hands up in a submissive gesture. The Jester lowered his bow and hopped from his tree to face the ranger Faramir face-to-face.
"Who is this maiden?" Faramir asked.
"She is the lady Eowyn of Rohan," The Jester replied, a single tear trickling from his clear, blue eyes.
"What would it cost me to take her to Gondor so that her beauty can be admired by all the people there?" Faramir asked.
"How much you got?" The Jester asked.
"Seven Golden Pieces," Faramir replied. The Jester thought for a moment before whistling. Gimli came trotting from the cottage in record time.
"What laddie?" He asked.
"This guy wants to take Eowyn to Gondor so that more people can see her beauty, he's got seven golden pieces. Should we do it?" The Jester asked.
"Eh, why not. It's a good deal, heck, we'll even transport her for ya," Gimli replied. Faramir smiled a huge smile as he gave the pair seven golden pieces. The elf and the dwarf each picked up and end of the coffin and started carrying it out of Fangorn. As they walked, Gimli accidentally tripped and let his end of the coffin fall. That one act sent the piece of apple flying out of Eowyn's mouth and thus reviving her.
And so, Eowyn and Faramir got married, the Jester and the Dwarf left for friendlier woods and other great tales. As for the Witchking and Theoden, they got into a fight and Theoden ended up dead while Eomer became king. Later on, Eowyn executed her revenge on the Witchking and successfully killing him.
"The End," Legolas finished. Eldarion and Áhéawa clapped for the elf.
"That's not what happened though," Áhéawa said, sticking her tongue out at Legolas before jumping out of the tree and running home.
"So, what's the moral of the story, Legolas?" Eldarion asked.
"Ummmm, Fortune Favors the Brave?" Legolas said.
"Good enough," Eldarion replied.
----------
Soo, how does Pt. 2 compare?