Every Story is a Love Story
by
Draco's Daughter
Disclaimer: I lay no claim whatsoever to the works of the Mighty and Powerful J.R.R. Tolkein. The Jester belongs to me though! Yaaay!
Thanks, guys, for all of your support while I get everything back on-line. You guys rock.
Copperfang: Thanks for the comfort. Yes, coke is evil but it is a necessary one... like school! I've never heard of this promise you've suggested though. I swore by the River Styx because it is the River of Unbreakable Oath in Greek Mythology.
Legolas's Girl9: I've had a motherboard crash once before and that time I got NOTHING back, but my fic writing was in its infancy back then and thus those fics did NOT deserve to see the light of day. The only one that's salvageable is "The Real Duel Monsters".
Tinewen: It's okay! We all forget things from time to time, even reviews. I can't really talk, seeing as I can't really remember what happened yesterday let alone a few weeks ago! XD As for your question about the Jester and Legolas... I haven't figured their relationship out myself and I'm the author! (Legolas: Evil twin! Jester: Alter ego!) Yes, well, since the Chapter filler is outside of the normal LOTR Realm, the two can appear together: laughs evilly: Sam and Rosie have 12 dollars? That's like...: does calculations in Scientific calculator: 10,000,000 in today's money! XD Sorry, I suppose you meant "daughters" instead of "dollars", right? At least, I hope you did!
: holds arms really wide: I love all my reviewer's THIS much! Okay, this tale is a blending of Jim Henson's "The Luck Child" and a story in "The Annotated Brother's Grimm" called "The Devil and his Three Golden Hairs."
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Easy as Life
On one of the last days of his stay in Gondor, Legolas was slowly combing through his trademark blonde locks and humming a wordless nonsense tune that did not belong to any song or poem. Thus was his favorite part of the day, it not only served to wake him up, but also got his mind running, which was exactly what he needed as a certain dark-headed princeling crept into the room. Eldarion's intentions were not evil, he just did not know you NEVER disturbed an elf when they were grooming, it usually ended in screaming and yelling in various languages for half an hour. Then, you had to hide out and try not to be noticed by the elf you pissed off until they forget about you. It usually took a year or so, depending on how well the elf knew you and how mad you made him. In any case, Eldarion ran up behind Legolas and gave a great yell. The elf prince faltered then looked as if he had just been stabbed. Slowly the angry prince turned around to face the hyper Eldarion. One look at the young Gondorian prince and the elf's anger started melting. In the back of his mind he told himself: "DICIPLINE HIM!" over and over again but the front of his mind kept saying: "Awwwww! He's sooo cuuuuuteeee!" He didn't know weather to smack Eldarion upside the head or cuddle him, at that moment his shoulder angel and devil appeared.
"Legolas, why are you thinking of hurting the child? I mean, outer beauty isn't anything," The Legolas-angel asked, playing a few notes on his harp and fluttering his eagle-wings.
"Heh! Listen to that angelic crap! Eldarion interrupted YOUR time! He deserves whatever punishment you want to deal out to him! You know what yo daddy would do to you if you can in and disturbed him!" Was the answer of the Legolas-devil. The Legolas-angel put his hands on his hips in a pouting manner and stuck out his tongue in a very un-angelic fashion.
"You know that you're supposed to show a kind manner to children. It is what your mother taught you to do, seeing as you are a lady's man," The Legolas-angel said.
"Hey! No one mentions the "L" word around my man Legolas! You are going down angel-boy!" The Legolas-devil said before leaping at the Legolas-angel and fighting with him in a little cloud of dust in mid-air. Legolas sighed; he never could rely on those two. They NEVER gave him a good solution. So he decided to go with the stern yet loving approach.
"Eldarion, what in Eru's name could you be wanting at this hour?" Legolas asked in his stern voice. He knew the answer but begged Illuvatar that it wasn't what he thought it was.
"I would liiiiiiikeeeee," Eldarion began slowly with plenty of exaggerated vowels.
Inside Legolas as thinking: "Not a jester story! ANYTHING but a Jester story! Hell, why not a story about bunnies or kittens or maybe one from the war? Noooo! You had to go and tell him about the jester! Smaaart, elf prince. Very smart."
"I would like a Jester Story!" Eldarion sprang. Legolas's hopes sunk back to his ankles. He was now wished that he had never told Eldarion about the Jester. So the elf prince led Eldarion over to the small sitting area in his chamber.
"Alright, this one is a little different from the last few stories. In this story the Jester is still young and ready to take on the world by himself. He is about fifteen and has yet to meet Gimli also," Legolas explained.
"This is going to be the best Jester tale yet," Eldarion said, a grin forming on his face.
Once upon a time…..
In a small kingdom there lived a certain elf. He was flamboyant and rash but, being the son of elf gypsies, that was to be expected. On one no-so-special day his family was slain by agents of Lord Celeborn, only he escaped because he had luck (and a trick or two). Eventually he found a miller and his wife that could be his parents for a time. This elf soon became known only as "the Jester" for his comical ways. One day, Celeborn came to the mill, inspecting harvests and collecting taxes. Of course, the Jester brimmed with hatred but tried not to show it, best not to press his luck too far.
"Is that boy yours? Celeborn asked the miller near the end of the inspection. He had realized exactly who the jester was related to and knew that the Jester must die for this relation.
"Legolas, what did the Jester's family do the make Celeborn kill them?" Eldarion asked. Legolas quickly thought. That was the one part he hadn't managed to come up with yet.
"You know what I said about the fact that they were elf-gypsies? Well, elf-gypsies practice magic and some people don't think that's a good thing to do," Legolas explained.
"No, sir, he was a foundling, or should I say he was a 'comeling' seeing as he found us," the miller said with a laugh. Celeborn gave a small false-laugh to cover his hatred.
"Well, I need him to take a message to the Lady Galadriel for me, I'll give you two gold pieces for his service," Celeborn said.
"Of course, milord. We live only to serve you," The miller said with a bow. Celeborn pulled out a quill and parchment and wrote a quick note. He then carefully folded and sealed it before handing it over to the Jester.
"I trust you know your way to the palace," Celeborn said, a sneer forming around his lips.
"Yes, milord," The Jester spat back. So the Jester set off in a hurry, he wanted to complete this task and get on with his life.
Not far from the mill was a forest that many people got lost in. Some say that there was a spell placed upon it by an elf witch, but that had long been dismissed as dwarfish superstition. Nah, it actually was the fault of the border guards that were lead by Haldir. So thus our Jester was walking into a trap and fell into a hole. HE landed right in the home of Haldir the march warden. Of course, Haldir was underappreciated so he was forced to do the housework and prepare dinner.
"Hey now! Who in Hell are you!" Haldir yelled, wielding the spoon he had been using to stir dinner. Of course, the Jester was cowering in the corner.
"Well, ahem, I'm the Jester and I'm on a mission to deliver a letter to Lady Galadriel," The Jester explained, straightening up and trying to appear confident.
"Well, I'm afraid you've fallen among the guards of Lothlorien, her wood. You'll not live long once my fellow guards come home," Haldir said.
"I don't care," The Jester replied, looking around for an exit.
"Well, have a bite to eat while I decide what to do with you," Haldir said, dishing out some of what he was cooking and seasoning it with what appeared to be pepper. The Jester sniffed at it, then began eating quickly. After a bit, he fell right over in a stupor. "Ha! You see! I'm the cook, but also the poisoner, and the nastiest of the guards. Now, I'll make sure that this letter will never reach Galadriel, lady of light!" As he took the letter and read it, he saw that it was no good and terrible. "This letter is no good and terrible! 'Dearest Galadriel, when you receive this letter of it have the bearer chopped into a thousand pieces. Do this without delay, Celeborn. Now, I can't sit by with this going on."
Now, Haldir is also excellent at forgeries and by the time our Jester has woken up, he's been moved to a spot where he can see the edge of Celeborn's kingdom. He thinks nothing of it and heads off into the morning light. Soon he finds himself within Galadriel's presence and becoming extremely freaked out by it. But he hands Galadriel the letter and watches her expression change from shock to disbelief to anger. Very soon he finds himself meeting Celeborn's daughter, Celebrain, and being squeezed by her in an affectionate way. He did not understand what in the name of Illuvatar was going on... until Celeborn came home.
"Why in the world would you wish for our only daughter to marry that FOOL!" Galadriel yelled at her husband, transforming into that really freaky green-ish, grey alter-ego.
"I never said that! What's going on! Jester, you had something to do with it!" Celeborn yelled, turning on the Jester (who was being squeezed breathless by Celebrain).
"Never would I want to tie myself down to anyone! Not at this age, at lest! Please tell me there's something I can do to call the wedding off! Anything! Chop wood for a year, tell stories every night, and steal from Dwarves! ANYTHING!" The Jester pleaded, taking hold of Celeborn's robes.
"Anything?" Celeborn and Galadriel asked in unison.
"ANYTHING!" The Jester whined.
"What about getting Smaug's golden scale?" Celeborn asked, sly as ever.
"I'll get that scale! At any cost!" The Jester announced heroically. He set off that very night. To get to Smaug's lair of the Lonely Mountain, he had to pass through Mirkwood and Laketown. In Mirkwood he ran into some elves.
"Excuse me, but why does everything look bleak here?" The Jester asked.
"Well, it is MIRKwood! But, really, we can't get any fire to light here," One replied.
"Well, I see what I can do about that when I get back, don't worry," The Jester announced, all heroic. When he reached Laketown he ran into some men.
"Why is it so wet here?" He asked one of them.
"Well, it is LAKEtown, after all. But, we can't farm on the land," The man replied.
"Well, I'll see what I can do when I get back, okay?" The Jester said before continuing. He then had to pass over long lake, and ran into a very funny-looking ferry-man.
"You're funny-looking," The Jester announced. "Can you take me across?"
"We goes across with or without the elf, precious," The ferry-man replied. He was called Gullom.
"Why?" The Jester asked.
"We don't know, now do we precious? No, gullom, gullom. We goes across, precious," Gullom said.
"Well, I'll find out for you," The Jester announced happily.
"Okay, precious, but precious knows that silly elf will not come back, silly elf will die in the mountain, yes precious," Gullom said, shaking his head. The Jester inched away as the boat came to a stop at the mountain's roots. The Jester jumped out and headed up the mountain. When he got inside, he ran into Haldir.
"Well, hello. I didn't expect to see you ever again," Haldir said, trying to be pleasant.
"Why are you here?" The Jester asked.
"Well, Smaug flew by and ate my fellow guards, only my cooking saved me. But, he'll eat you if he finds you so go hide," Haldir said, hearing Smaug returning.
"Well, I need the answers to three questions as well as Smaug's golden scale," The Jester said.
"I'll find out for you and get that scale in the process. Don't worry, HIDE idiot!" Haldir said as Smaug came in. He roared with all his might and settled down on his pile of gold.
"Were is my dinner?" He asked, forcefully. Haldir offered a pot of old scraps.
"It's all I could come up with, you're magnificence!" Haldir said.
"It'll do," Smaug replied, taking the pot from Haldir and draining its contents in one gulp.
"How about a scratch? Would you like that, my master?" Haldir asked. Smaug inclined his head as he reclined on his back. Haldir began scratching the Dragon's large chest, all the while going for the gold scale on his right breast. "I was wondering, why can't anyone in Mirkwood get a fire going?"
"That's easy, their wood's always wet," Smaug replied, smug as could be. He always enjoyed proving that he was smarter than Haldir.
"Alright, then why can't the men of Laketown farm on the land?" Haldir asked.
"Not enough water in the soil," Smaug answered.
"Okay, then why does that strange little man have to row the boat from here to Laketown and back?" Haldir asked.
"Oh, he's cursed to do so until someone else takes his pole from him," Smaug said. At this point, Haldir pulled out the Golden scale and was tossed off Smaug and slid to near where the Jester was hiding. He handed the Jester the scale as Smaug fumed. "You know I don't like things pulled! What are you trying to do? Get me killed?"
"More or less," Haldir said under his breath.
"What was that, slave?" Smaug asked.
"I said, no Milord," Haldir lied. Smaug smiled smugly before going to sleep. The Jester snuck out and gave the answers to Gullom, Laketown, and Mirkwood. He presented the scale to Celeborn and got the marriage called off, much to Celebrain's dismay. The Jester was also able to present Celeborn with gold, gifts from Mirkwood and Laketown.
"Where did you get this?" Celeborn asked.
"Lonely Mountain," The Jester replied. So one night Celeborn went to Laketown and hopped on Gullom's boat. Unfortunately, Gullom wasn't rowing fast enough for him.
"Why can't you go any faster?" Celeborn asked, impatient.
"Oh, nice elf lord. Maybe he can row faster, perhaps we wonders. Does nice elf lord want to take pole from good Sméagol?"
Celeborn was never heard from again while the Jester became more and more renowned for his talents. It was the beginning of a long and successful career.
"Yay!" Eldarion cheered as Legolas breathed a sigh of relief.
The End
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Thanks for reading! Please submit your fav fairy tales and how the Jester can fit in to help me with this saga!