To Be or Not To Be –
"She asleep?" Willow's voice was soft, lifting hopefully.
"Finally." Buffy pulled her cardigan tighter and adjusted the air conditioning again. The allure of the open road had finally given way to the mind numbing boredom of endless white and yellow stripes. Texas had been the worst. Miles and miles of nothing in every direction. As though they'd suddenly driven into a lifeless dimension of drab brown and dusty green. Given the current state of the universe, she hadn't dismissed it as a real possibility.
"How long was the last one?"
"Twenty five minutes and forty seven seconds. Not counting the three hours of psycho babble afterwards that creeps me out more than the seizures."
"Did you recognize any of it this time?" Willow spared a second to glance away from the road, her green eyes tired and worried.
"Thankfully no. The first time she did it," Buffy shuddered. "It was like she was channeling Spike. Past Spike. Evil Spike."
"I think I recognized some of it. Bits and pieces. Things I remember people saying."
"Like what?"
Willow hesitated, her attention fixed on passing the slower car ahead of them. "The part about the anvil."
"Wiley Coyote?"
"Yeah." She smiled. It was the sad, haunting smile that Buffy had learned meant that she was remembering Darth Willow. "Xander said that to me. On the cliff."
"Before the yellow crayon?"
"I can't remember it that clearly anymore." She shook her head, red hair falling out of the barrette. "I thought I'd never forget. But it fades. Even the pain and the guilt fade after a while. They never go away but they stop hurting as much."
"Good." Buffy bit her lip nervously, pulling out the CD case to distract her darkening thoughts. "Will?"
"Yeah?"
"I know that I haven't…I mean, with the slaying and the schooling and taking care of Dawn." She sighed, flipping through CDs without actually seeing them. "I haven't been the bestest best friend to you."
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't know what's going on with your life Willow. Not really. We talk, we have tea. You listen to my problems and you help with patrolling. When was the last time I asked you about your life? And actually listened?" She finally picked a CD and slid it into the player. "I don't know who your friends or coworkers are. I don't know if there's anyone you've got your eye on. I'm Non-Observy Buffy, Buffy with blinders on."
"You're being too hard on yourself Buff. We all get caught up in our own lives. It's human."
"We never talked. About Tara. Or Warren. When you came back, we never really talked about it."
"Not exactly breakfast conversation."
"I feel as though I wasn't there for you."
"Buffy." Willow reached over, squeezing her hand quickly. "You're the Slayer. All Chosen and duty bound. When I got back the First Evil was trying to devour the world, remember? You had other problems than a recovering witch. Other priorities."
"The world might end." Buffy linked her fingers through Willow's. "And if it does, I'm not going to regret the Big Bads I didn't defeat or the people I didn't save. I'm going to regret not being a better friend."
"Is all this introspectiveness because of Faith and Spike?"
"No. Maybe. Sort of."
"You did love him then?"
"Well, duh." Buffy grinned.
"Just wondering."
"See? That's what I'm talking about. These are things we should have talked about. Over ice cream and mochas."
"The world isn't over yet, Buff. We can still do it." Willow pulled her hand away to switch lanes. "This is our exit. We should be there in an hour or so. We'll have to pick up a map and do another locator spell once we get closer to the city."
"Finally." Buffy shifted in her seat, trying to stretch her stiff muscles. "Road trips are highly overrated."
"We've been driving nonstop. Usually you bring cameras and camp out in the woods with bears and ticks. Big difference in the fun factor."
"I should call Giles. Let him know we're here."
"Let him stew for a bit."
"Callous and strange much?"
"I have my moments." Willow grinned, checking the rear view mirror quickly to make sure Dawn was still sleeping peacefully. "So. Since you're in guilty confession mode, I want all the juicy details."
"What juicy details?"
"What happened? Total mood shifting. You've been all over the place. Happy, sad."
"Roller coaster, huh?"
"And now you're going on double dates with Xander and asking me to explain my research." Willow raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Not complaining, just wondering what set off the New and Friendlier Buffy."
"Lots of things, I guess." Buffy picked at her nails absently. Her first impulse was to dismiss Willow's queries and retreat back into the Slayer fortress of solitude. "Spike and Faith are definitely one or more of those things. Beyond the whole sex thing. Although it's not weirding me out as much as it did at first. I mean, what is it with Spike and Slayers?"
"Maybe it's hard to be with someone who's weaker than you are. And he can't really be with another vampire now that he has a soul. Doesn't leave a lot of options."
"Way with the insight, Will." Buffy was both surprised and impressed. Maybe it applied to Slayers as well. Was she reluctant to get into a relationship with a normal guy because some part of her knew that they would never be equals? Hadn't that been the reason Riley had left?
"It's like magic. I worry that if I do find another witch, she'll be more powerful than I am and I'll feel insecure. Or vice versa. It's a big insecurity nightmare either way."
"I guess the trick is to find your equal then."
"Pretty hard when you're like us." Willow sighed. "Especially once I get into the whole killing people part. Hard to find anyone who knows what that feels like. Outside of jail anyway."
"Good thing you have us. Has Xander killed anyone?"
"I'm sure we could come up with a body count if we tried really hard. Kinda unavoidable in our line of work." Willow's laugh was light and easy. "But neither of you have murdered someone in cold blood. So it doesn't really count. Not even Giles has done that."
"Giles killed Ben." Buffy whispered, turning to look out the window.
"What?"
"To kill Glory. He killed Ben."
"Oh. Well. See? That was self-defense too."
"Willow."
"It was. Glory would have come back, you know that." Willow squinted at one of the road signs. "Not that I want any of you to go and kill someone just to relate to me, cause that's all sorts of bad. I don't want any of you to have to feel like I did. It's awful."
"Like you can't breathe."
"Yeah. And sometimes the guilt hurts so much you'd do anything to make it go away. All you want is to just block it out."
"But you can't ever close your eyes without seeing the blood. And the eyes. Those are the worst. Except the nightmares." Buffy shivered, focusing on her fingernails. How much could she get away with before Willow began to suspect something?
"You didn't kill Katrina, Buffy."
"I wasn't talking about Katrina." The point of no return passed without so much as a speed bump and Buffy knew that she couldn't look back. Share mode wasn't comfortable, wasn't easy. She hated it. Hated feeling vulnerable. But Willow deserved to know she wasn't alone.
"Buffy?"
"I killed Ethan, Will. After you guys left. I shot him." She looked away, afraid of what she would see in her friend's eyes.
"He wasn't exactly a good person."
"Neither was Warren." Buffy countered. "Don't go all Mother Teresa on me. He should have gone to jail. I killed him because I wanted him dead. Because he hurt people I care about. It's that simple. I wanted revenge." The silence stretched out into minutes and she began to wonder if Willow had chosen not to speak to her again. When she had finally decided to say something, Willow broke the stillness.
"Anya would be proud." She said quietly.
"You think?"
"Well, she probably would have told you to turn him into a troll or Sluggoth demon. Or have a spider demon rip his heart out. But a bullet works. Clean, efficient."
"The callous and strange moment rears its head again."
"What are friends for?" Willow took a deep breath. "Can't say I don't feel strangely relieved to no longer be the only Scooby with blood on their hands. The only Scooby left anyway. Is Giles a Scooby?"
"Nah. Too old. And stuffy."
"Wow." Red hair danced as she shook her head. "So it's guilt that's bringing on the Buffy evolution?"
"And the realization that quite possibly, Spike, a vampire, is a better person than I am. I don't even know what makes a person good anymore. How do I know if I'm being a good friend or a good sister? I don't feel like a good person."
"Good isn't a destination, Buffy. You don't ever wake up one morning and see a good person in the mirror. It's a way of life. You have to chose every day to be good, to do good."
"This is exactly what I mean when I say I've been a bad friend. You've gotten all mature and insightful and I haven't even noticed. You're all grown up and I'm still expecting you to be the shy Xander loving girl in braids and Mary Janes."
"I'm still her. I'm just a better actress now." Willow smiled and pulled off at a gas station. "Let's get a map and find our other murderous friends."
"We should hold meetings. Murderers Anonymous. Hi, my name is Buffy Summers."
"And I'm Willow Rosenberg." Willow climbed out of the car and stretched her arms. "I haven't skinned anyone alive for four years and counting. Yay me." She stifled a yawn. "Why don't you stay with Dawn? I'll get the map."
Buffy watched the redhead until she disappeared into the convenience store. Maybe Dawn would like some snacks or something. Turning around, she saw her sister staring at her from the back seat. Damn. "How long have you been awake, Dawn?"
"Long enough."
"Dawn. I…I don't know what to say." Buffy cringed when she saw the distance in her sister's eyes.
"You don't have to give me excuses Buffy. I'm not going to judge you." Dawn gave her a tired smile. "I just wish you would have told me the truth instead of lying."
"I didn't want you to look at me. The way you're looking at me right now."
"Buffy. I love you." Dawn shook her head and sat up slowly. "You're my world. You died for me. That's not going to change because you killed Ethan Rayne. And I think you're the bestest, most wonderful sister in the universe."
"Is everyone on this planet more mature than I am?"
"We all have our moments. I'm planning on being extremely immature once we get to New Orleans. It will probably involve staying out too late and consuming copious amounts of a malt beverage."
"Wrong answer." Buffy grinned at her sister.
"Not too late and lite beer?"
"Keep trying."
Dawn sighed, "Back by ten and Coke. You're no fun. You're the Fun Slayer."
"Cause your jokes need a good staking." Buffy reached out to brush back Dawn's hair. "Maybe half a beer and eleven."
"Midnight?"
"Don't push it."
"Ouch." Air hissed through Faith's teeth as Verek settled the ice pack onto her shoulder. "I'll be fine. Ow!" She scowled at him, watching him dab at the bloody wounds with a damp cloth.
"Retractable spines on the forearms. Movra demons. Bounty hunters mostly."
"You coulda warned me about that before the bastard tried to julienne my back."
"Would you have listened?"
"Hell no. But at least you could give me a rousing chorus of I Told You So's." She turned away, staring at the band across the lounge and trying to ignore the burning sensation in her back. "I'm getting closer. I can feel it. They're moving him around, never staying in the same place."
"They know you're looking."
"Yeah. Figured." She fought the urge to take a deep breath. That would only result in more pain. "So Doc…can I play tic-tac-toe yet or do I need a few more scars?"
"Very humorous. I believe you have room for at least two rounds." He dabbed the healing salve over the wounds gently.
"If you can't laugh at yourself, what can you laugh at?"
"I enjoy a good satire."
"I'm going to be enjoying dreamland in a minute. You done?"
"Just about. There."
Faith shifted in her chair and shrugged into the button up shirt she had adopted as post-slaying attire. The comforting scent of Spike was slowly fading from the fabric. She smiled a little as she remembered his face when he saw her wearing it. One eyebrow raised as blue eyes raked over her body. It was white. He loved her in white. Brides and angels wore white, he said. She was his angel. The familiar ache began to fill her chest and she shook away the memories, focusing on each button. It was time to crash for a few hours. Recharge before heading back out into the streets.
"Any luck with the spell?" She rolled the sleeves up to her elbows and helped Verek gather up the bloody bandages.
"Sadly, no. Whoever has him must be cloaking their location. I can't find him." The demon tucked the first aid supplies and jar of salve into his leather bag.
"Should've tagged him." Fighting back a yawn, she settled into one of the longer booths where she could stretch out completely. Unlacing her boots stiffly, she dumped them on the floor and curled up against the cushioned back. "Wake me up in a few hours."
"Of course."
Faith closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of leather and the musky aroma that was unique to the lounge. Sweet, smoky. She hadn't figured out what it was. Probably didn't matter. She tried shifting her weight to her side to keep off of the fresh wounds on her back. What was it with evil and her back anyway? Couldn't they slash something else next time? Slayer healing or not, she was going to be one giant scar if this kept up. Her lips tugged into a smile, picturing Spike's worried face as he fussed over her wounds. Evil schmevil. He was a big softie when it came to women. She'd even heard him talk about Willow with the same protective edge in his voice that he used when he spoke of Dawn. Red, he called her. All his pet names for the Scooby gang. Xander was the boy or Harris. Dawn was Niblet or Bit. Red for Willow, Watcher for Giles. Not the most creative of nicknames, although she still hadn't asked where Peaches came from. It had taken her a while to figure out that he was referring to Angel. But it was part of Spike. The way he gathered people around him, formed attachments good or bad, pulling them kicking and screaming into his life. Or unlife, whatever vampires had. Once Spike decided he wanted you in his world, there was no escape from him. That made her chuckle. Which hurt. Ouch.
Voices invaded her pleasant musings, pulling her from the dream train as she was about to board. Damn them, whoever they were. She needed sleep. Inconsiderate pricks. Blinking the effects of almost sleep away, she struggled back to a sitting position and rubbed her eyes. The green skinned demon Verek had introduced as Kraqin led three familiar faces into the lounge. Her heart sunk. Buffy was in New Orleans. With Dawn and Willow. The tight ass Slayer had left the Hellmouth and that could never be a good thing.
"Faith!" It was Dawn who noticed her first. She tried to smile as they made their way through the tables and booths. They looked like they hadn't slept in days, hauling suitcases and duffle bags behind them.
"Hey." Faith grimaced as she ungracefully climbed out of the booth to greet them. "You guys look like hell."
"And you're fresh as a daisy?" Buffy raised one eyebrow skeptically.
"Movra demon." Faith touched the bandages beneath the shirt gently. "Since I really doubt you're here to see me, why are you here?"
"We needed to get Dawn away from the Hellmouth." Willow said quickly as she slid into the opposite seat of the booth, relaxing into the plush cushions. "Feels good not to be moving. I'd forgotten what it was like to not be driving."
"Willow had to drive most of the way." Dawn explained, dropping her duffle bad and taking a seat at the nearest table. "Buffy can only be trusted if there are several hundred miles of straight road and I'm seizure girl."
"Yeah. Giles said something about that."
"He did?" Buffy's voice hardened. "When did you talk to him?"
"While ago, B. Before we left Seattle." Faith itched the edge of the surgical tape. "That's why we came back here. Figured Verek might know something to help. Worth a shot anyway."
"Right." Buffy took a deep breath and gave her a forced smile. "So Spike knows about Dawn."
"Yeah. Verek sent him to an Oracle to get some answers." Faith bit her lip and sat down again. "That was three days ago."
"And he's not back?"
"He's back." Faith shook her head. "The bookstore, where we were staying, got blown to hell. Verek got me out and brought me here. We don't know where Spike is. I've been looking but…it's a big city. And the vampire who runs this town put a price on his head that's fucking obscene. Figure someone found him and cashed in."
"But you don't think he's dead? Cause we tried a locator spell for him and there was nothing so we looked for you instead."
"No. This guy, Cable. He wanted him alive. None of Verek's spells have worked either." Faith tapped the table nervously, avoiding the serious faces around her. "Did it help then?"
"What?"
"Dawn. You feel better?"
"Sure." Dawn shrugged casually. "I mean, it's a little better. Sometimes. And the whole creepy crawly sensation is less. Which is good."
"She's getting worse." Buffy sat down, her face drawn and weary. "We had her wrapped up at home. To keep her from hurting herself. Will's using a binding spell now. Holding her down wasn't…wasn't working."
"Bruises." Dawn held up her arms to show Faith the dark marks on her skin.
"God, Dawnie. I'm sorry." Faith felt pain tug at her. Sweet kid, she didn't deserve to suffer this way. "You guys haven't found anything then. To help."
"Sorry." Willow shook her head sadly. "But we're not here to kill Spike, promise. Perish the thought. And we do have an idea. Angel kinda suggested it."
"What?" Faith relaxed, she hadn't wanted to ask that question. Hadn't wanted to even consider the possibility. It hurt too much to think about it.
"Well." Willow glanced quickly at Buffy. "We think that maybe, since this whole thing is because of his soul, if we could get rid of it then maybe we could restore whatever balance has gone all wonky."
"You can do that? Take away his soul." Faith frowned. Would Spike be willing to give up his soul? He didn't talk about Africa much but she knew that whatever he had gone through to earn the soul hadn't been a Tupperware party. The bits and pieces he had shared had left her a little wigged out and amazed that he had even survived.
"I think so. It's like cursing in reverse. I brought an Orb of Thesula just in case." Willow reached for her purse. "I mean, we weren't going to do it without his permission. We were just going to ask."
"You drove all the way from California just to ask." Faith raised her eyebrows.
"We were kinda hoping he'd say yes." Buffy sighed, having the decency to look guilty.
"And if it works, it'll save Dawn and Spike."
"Maybe even the world."
"Right." Faith took a deep breath, ignoring the stabbing pain in her back. She needed the calm more than she needed to avoid the pain. Spike was gone. Probably hurt, probably locked in a cage somewhere if the past was any indication of the New Orleans way of doing things. He'd do it. She knew he would. To save Dawn. "What do you need?"
"Just some table space, I brought everything with me." Willow motioned to her bags.
"Fine. Do it then."
"Are you sure you don't want to wait? Check with him first?" Buffy cautioned.
"I'm sure." Faith answered grimly. "I need some sleep."
"It'll take a while to get set up."
"Then wake me up when you start." She tried to smile. "If you need anything, Verek should be around here somewhere. Little guy with suspenders and glasses. He's cool." Closing her eyes to block out the world around her, she laid down again, curling against the back of the seat and hiding her face with her arms. To keep the light out of her eyes. Yeah. That was all. Just the light. Not because she didn't want them to see her cry. She hoped Spike would forgive her.
There's a light above me. I feel as though I'm swimming upward through thick, inky water. Fragments of memories return, the light gets brighter and I finally break the surface. Awareness spreads through me. I can feel my arms and legs. Where am I? Vision is still fuzzy and I blink in an attempt to clear the haze from my eyes. Something cold and heavy is wrapped around my wrists. Shackles. Again. I can hear the chains rattle as I test my limbs. So much for southern hospitality. Must've taken a few lessons from Buffy.
"Welcome back, Spike." A cool, smooth voice breaks into my muddled brain. I try to focus on the source. "The effects of the drug should wear off quickly. I'm afraid that I've had to keep you sedated. Your Slayer whore is quite persistent and I'm not ready to let her find you yet."
Despite the lingering fogginess of my brain, a growl rises unbidden in my throat at the derogatory label and I jerk the chains angrily. My eyes finally shift into focus and I catch a glimpse of my captor. Not Cable. Not a vampire. Something I'm unfamiliar with. Doesn't smell human. He's tall and well dressed, immaculate in fact. Handsome in a dangerous way, with dark hair and coal black eyes. Frightening in his poise and confidence. I get the impression that he fears nothing. In fact, I'm thinking that I should be afraid of him.
"What do you want?" I manage to get out despite my dry throat. Hunger gnaws at me painfully. Obviously he isn't the type who believes in feeding his prisoners.
"One good day." A cruel smile spreads across his face and he shifts in the chair he's sitting on, sipping a cup of trendy coffee. "I have been watching you for some time."
"Where's Faith?"
"Safely squirreled away by your demon friend."
"Cable doesn't have her?" Now I'm confused. I could have sworn the Oracle told me that he did.
"Of course not. That imbecile and his merry band of morons wouldn't even have you if you hadn't walked right into their hands." The man brushed the topic away with a casual gesture. "But it's not important how you got here."
"Who are you?" This guy is seriously creeping me out.
"You may call me Caine."
"Well. Caine. How 'bout you get to the interesting part and spare me the bloody details?" I manage sarcasm and a good smirk. He hasn't dusted me yet. Which probably means he still needs me for some reason.
"Such bravado in the face of death." Caine chuckles and shakes his head slightly. "No need to worry. I want to keep you alive a little longer. You see, as long as you remain in this world, it will continue to collapse."
"Heard somethin' to that effect." I say slowly, testing the give in the chains.
"Yes. It's all about the fine print." He puts the coffee down carefully. "In fact, the balance won't be restored until you are dead. Or all the Slayers are dead. Not much of a choice, really. Three Slayers, one vampire. We both know what those Slayers are thinking."
"You don't know them." This time it's a real smirk. He may be right about Buffy and the bitch Slayer but he's wrong about Faith.
"Perhaps. It doesn't matter. I prefer to keep you all alive long enough to accomplish something truly magnificent." He gives me another chilling smile. "That's why you're here. To protect you."
"Bloody considerate of you."
"I try."
"So what's the game? You enjoy the chaos? Or hope to clean up after there's nothing left?"
"Both." Caine shrugs his shoulders casually. "It's been rather annoying. Keeping you out of harm's way. That pathetic group of men who call themselves Watchers have been quite tenacious in their attempts to destroy you. Aren't you grateful I didn't let them?"
"You killed those men?"
"My servants did."
"Forgive me if I don't apologize for inconveniencing you."
"No apology necessary. You've proven more than adequate in every other way." Caine sighs contentedly and reaches for his coffee. "Drowning Faith was a stroke of genius. And the other Slayer? Such resolve. It must have been difficult to resist the call of the Hellmouth. I admire that."
"Glad you find my life so amusing." I snarl angrily. The chains won't give. I'm completely at the bastard's mercy.
"I do. Believe me, I do." He chuckles softly. "The irony is that if you had killed them, the Slayers, this world wouldn't be falling apart as quickly, if at all. It would have taken decades, maybe more, to reach this point. So much hinging on the actions of one vampire. Amazing, isn't it?"
I remain silent. This isn't anything new to me. World falling apart. Blame it on Spike. Because he tried to do the right thing and suffer like a good boy. Suffer for his sins and be a better man. Keep his fucking promises. That was all. Apparently it was a cosmic crime to try to rise above my nature and think outside the box of evil blood sucking fiend. To be more than just a monster. Fuck the balance. I'm not sorry at all.
"Such determination." Those black eyes bore through me, into my soul, and send shivers up my spine. "I could let you out. If you would follow your true nature. Be the killer you really are."
"Sod off. I've changed."
"Have you?" He watches me thoughtfully. "Don't you wonder what her blood tastes like? What it would be like to sink your fangs into her neck as you're fucking her? I know you do." He smiles when I don't answer. "I know you want it so badly that you can barely control yourself. To feel that heat, that power on your lips. To really make her yours."
"Go to hell."
"Come now, Spike. No need to lie to me. I know your desires. I know what you want to do to her. The fantasies that you keep buried deep inside the demon." He leans toward me, eyes glittering. "There's nothing like the feeling of a soul leaving the body. Draining her dry as you drive into her. The rush. The release. You still crave it. Even with the soul. Part of you wants to hear her scream, make her beg and cry. The part of you that wanted to be the one who cut her face."
Crashing forward, I'm shaking with rage as the chains pull me up short. I can't even speak. I've never wanted to kill anyone so badly in my life. Never hated or feared anyone as much as the man in front of me. Forcing my lips to form the words, I spit out a terse denial. He doesn't know me. It's not true.
"But it is true, Spike. You want to break her. Fuck her until there's nothing left but blood and tears." He's laughing at my impotent fury, enjoying my fear and pain. It's not true. It can't be true. "And you could save this world. By giving in to those desires. By fulfilling those fantasies. Be what you really are. Do what you really want to do."
"No." I choke on the single syllable. "Get away from me. I'll never hurt her."
"Not even to save the world?" He grins. "You'd rather let her be ripped apart by some demon. A Polgara perhaps." He stands up smoothly and stalks toward me. "You could turn her. Then she could be a true partner. Forever. Think of what you could do to her if you had her forever."
"Fuck you."
"You can't deny it. Not to me." He stays just out of reach. "I know the depths of your heart. The darkest secrets of your soul. She'll come for you and you'll want it. Her blood in your throat, her life in your teeth. You'll want to taste her pain as you drink. Her body writhing beneath you, fighting against you as you take her. As hard as you want. As much as you want."
I turn my head away from him, unable to stop the words from creating images in my mind. I'm horrified. Sickened. Terrified that he's right and there is a part of me that wants it. Wants the dark, sadistic fantasies he's spinning in my ears. I'm a monster, I'm a demon. The parade of my past comes back, bringing his words into frightening perspective. I've done what he's whispering. Raped and killed and relished in my own destruction. Guilt stabs through me and I stare down at the floor in wonder. This is new. It feels different. Gasping unnecessarily, I realize that it isn't the soul feeling remorse for my past. It's the demon.
"There. See?" Caine croons seductively. "You remember how sweet it was. Let it come back to you. It's almost time. You'll be free of that pathetic soul soon enough."
"What?" I stagger away from him, backing against the wall.
"They're going to take away your soul." He laughs maliciously. "But it won't help. And then they'll come after you. You'll have to make a choice. The world is in your hands. How you save it is up to you."
I watch him leave, blinking numbly at his back as he leaves. The room is quiet and bare. Solid concrete walls echo with the clicking of the chains and the smell of coffee still taints the air. Who was going to take away my soul? I don't really need to ask. It has to be the Scoobies. They would be the only ones to even try anything other than a stake. And Faith will tell them to do it. Anything to save me. Even if she can only save the demon. Bitter tears sting my eyes and I sink back down to the floor. The world is in my hands. Good or evil. One vampire or three Slayers. None of them are good choices. If I chose to kill again, there's no guarantee that I would ever be able to stop. That I wouldn't have to keep murdering innocent people to maintain whatever bullshit balance everyone seems to care about.
The thought turns my stomach. Demon and soul blanch with revulsion. I can't. I've burned that bridge. Tore it down when I couldn't kill Faith, chose not to kill the Slayer in Buffy's basement. That leaves two more options. Either I have to go or the Slayers do. Not really an option either. There is no choice. There is only one option. I have to die.
My ears begin to buzz. White hot pain lances through me. The soul is being ripped from my body. Closing my eyes tightly, I can't stop myself from trying to hold on to it. Desperately trying to keep William with me. I need him. The pain fades and I can feel the emptiness inside. Tears break loose, pouring down my cheeks as the last four years are swept away. Everything I have done, everything I have suffered has been for nothing. Now I'm just a vampire. Just a demon. In the end, I'm still a monster.
Buffy was holding her breath. Breathe Buffy, breathe. She inhaled sharply and forced herself to ease the vise grip she had on the bottled water in her hand. Crushing the bottle and squirting water all over everyone was not of the good. Especially since Willow was halfway through the incantation, Faith looked ready to climb the walls, and Dawn was still shooting Verek nervous glances. Buffy couldn't blame her. If she'd been cut and bled by someone who could have passed for the demon's twin brother, she wouldn't be relaxo-girl either.
Breathe Buffy, breathe. Focus on anything but the spell Willow was doing. It seemed so unreal. And unfair. Taking away something that Spike had fought for. All they could do was cross their fingers and hope, pray, beg and plead, that it would work. That something would go right. Part of her mind whispered pessimistically that nothing was ever this easy or this simple. They were missing something. She couldn't put her finger on it but she knew it was there. Slayer instinct. Or too much road time. All those little stripes, hypnotizing and lulling you into sleep so they could curve without warning and send you crashing into a power line or telephone pole. Roads were evil.
The Orb started to glow and Buffy gripped the bottle again, every muscle in her body freezing in place as she waited for Willow to finish the spell and tell them if it worked or not. Please, let it work. If anyone deserved a little help from whoever was out there, it was Spike. Faith was a barely contained bundle of energy next to her, clenching her fists, pacing. Her dark eyes were full of fear and her whole body screamed tension. Buffy wanted to comfort her. She didn't. Not quite ready for that level of the New and Improved Buffy. Maybe some day they'd even be able to have a conversation without having it degrade into an argument. Maybe not for a long time. Of course, if this didn't work and the world fell apart it wouldn't really matter. She wasn't sure if that was supposed to make her feel better or worse.
"It's done." Willow leaned back, her voice relieved and hopeful. "I felt the soul pass through."
"Did it work?" Faith's voice was tense.
"I don't know. Can you tell if anything's different, Dawnie?"
Dawn shook her head miserably, "Nothing. Maybe it just takes a while. You know, like cursing Angel. It took a while for that to take effect."
"Actually, it's almost instantaneous." Willow sighed and began to gather up the runes. "A few seconds lag is all. But you're right. Maybe the world needs time to change momentum or something. It could be that."
"Verek?" Faith looked to the demon for input.
"I don't believe that it had the result you desired." Verek answered softly.
"You mean it didn't work." Buffy kept her eyes on Faith, searching for a hint of what was going on beneath the surface. "Now what? Can we put it back?"
"We could curse him." Willow suggested.
"No." Buffy and Faith both answered immediately, exchanging a look of surprised understanding. "I don't think…I mean, with the whole clause thing…it's really not fair to do that to him. We should have thought of that first. I can't believe we didn't think of that." Buffy kicked herself mentally, she really was a bad friend.
"So the watchers were right then." Faith's shoulders slumped and she stared at the ground. "He has to die."
"Faith, no. There has to be another way." Buffy shook her head emphatically.
"There's no time, B. You know that."
"Don't give up, Faith. Giles is still looking. And we can look. Here. I'm sure there are books here that we could find."
"If you like digging through ashes." Faith shook her head, turning away from them sharply. "How much longer till this whole world goes to hell? You know how bad it's getting. Demons everywhere. People are dying. They're getting harder and harder to kill. I had to stake a vampire three times last night before he finally dusted. And Dawn? How much time does she have left?"
"Faith." Buffy almost left her seat, almost tried to wrap her arms around Faith and tell her everything would be all right. Almost.
"He asked me," Her voice broke and when she turned around there were tears in her eyes. "He asked me to do it. If there wasn't any other way."
"You don't even know where he is."
"I'll find him."
"And what? Kill him? Don't do this Faith." Buffy heard the water bottle crack, water poured over her fingers.
"Isn't this what being a Slayer is all about? You're always preaching about saving the world. Nothing else matters. Just the mission. Isn't that right? It's about making those hard decisions."
Buffy couldn't argue. Faith was right. Being a Slayer was exactly that. "Let me do it."
"Why?"
"So you don't have to." Buffy heard her voice tremble as she fought against the emotions threatening to break through. "I don't want you to have do what I did to Angel. I don't want you to be hurt like that."
"It's not like that…Spike and me…we're not…"
"In love?" Buffy brushed at the traitorous tears escaping from her eyes, trying to blink them away. "You're so in love with him you can't even see it. If you do this. It won't just kill him. It'll kill you. And I can't let that happen." Faith was silent. Buffy could see her hands shaking as she fought an internal battle.
"He asked me to." The Slayer's voice was barely a whisper. "I owe him that much."
Buffy watched her leave, listening to the sound of her footsteps until they had faded away into silence. Part of her was screaming that she should go after her, stop her. But Faith was right. They were running out of time and they had no other options left. Spike deserved to choose his own executioner.
"Buffy?" Dawn's wavering cry broke through her thoughts. Large blue eyes were wide in terror and her face was pale as she stumbled from her seat.
"I've got it." Willow immediately began the binding spell, securing Dawn in a shimmering azure force field that would keep her from hurting herself.
Buffy's heart ached as she watched her sister begin to shake, eyes rolling back into her head until there was nothing but white. She checked her watch quickly, beginning the countdown that always seemed to last for an eternity.
"How long has she been like this?" Verek asked sharply.
"A few weeks. I'm not sure. It all blurs together." Buffy finally noticed the destroyed bottle in her hand and the water all over the floor at her feet.
"She needs help."
"We know." Willow rubbed her forehead tiredly and sat down next to Buffy, taking her hand supportively.
"I mean now. The human shell is too fragile to survive. She's dying." Verek began searching through his pockets. Finally he pulled out a gray stone talisman and started whispering.
"You said the human shell?" Willow frowned.
"The form created by the monks."
"How do you know what she is?" Buffy gripped Willow's hand tightly. A blur of light began at Dawn's feet, just a step away from her. It spread into a puddle, glistening and dancing.
"Release the binding spell." Verek ordered firmly.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"She doesn't have much time left. I promise you she will be safe, just release the spell."
"Do it Will." Buffy set her jaw firmly. The binding field faded away. Dawn collapsed onto the floor and disappeared through the portal. Light blinked out and there was nothing left but carpet. "Where is she?"
"It is called the Nexus. She will be safe there."
"Will I get her back?" Buffy bit her lip, tears slipping down her cheeks. The world was finally ending. There was nothing she could do to stop it and now she would be facing it without her sister.