Title: Life Part 2

Author: Jeep

Category: Elizabeth's POV

Notes: I know you guys wanted to see a John POV, but I had to continue Elizabeth, I wasn't quite done with her yet. For the rest see the Notes in Part 1.

SPECIAL NOTE: This is dedicated to my good friend and beta, if it wasn't for her, then this would not be here. hugs

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We went about cleaning up Atlantis of what was left of the Wraith, and we were dealing with what happened to Lt. Ford.

We'd lost a man that day. A friend to all. I am sorry about what happened to him…If there had been anything in my power to change the outcome of his situation, I would have done it.

In all honesty though, I think John took it the hardest out of everyone. You see, he seems to have a certain, specific, individual bond with everybody on this base…I knew for a fact that he thought of Lt. Ford almost as a younger brother, someone who he could, not teach or mold or anything as intrusive as that, but he could help him to be a better officer.

Apparently though, after everything had settled down again, and we'd held a formal debriefing, John simply went to his room. I wanted to go to him, to try and comfort him in the aftermath of the loss of Ford. But, I was also unsure of how he would respond to my unannounced arrival outside of his door.

In fact, I am STILL worried about how he'd reacted. John never said two words to me after Ford had escaped with the Jumper. Just a curt nod and then he'd left.

That uncertainty is what drove me to the decision of not going to see him that night.

For that though I did not get much sleep; I was denied this simple act by worry for John…sadness at all our losses…a somehow desperate need for John's body to be safely cocooned next to mine…and loneliness at being denied such a selfish wish.

Life is too short to feel all of this and then not do a damned thong about it…

What really gnaws at me though is why John would think he is a bad person.

Because he is far from that.

I know that, and so does the rest of us here in the City.

Maybe I need him too much, so much that I do not think I am good enough for this position, for him. Ultimately, it's my fault for what happened to Lt. Ford, not his.

I am the Commander of this place still, right?

Then, why do I feel so small?

I have to wonder what John was thinking when he left the briefing.

I don't think I will ever figure it out though, at least not without getting John to tell me…

There are just too many unknown variables for me to keep on guessing.

So, here I sit in my room now, just looking out the window and contemplating my recent developments in my life, cup of tea in hand, with only the frigid arms of another cold, sleepless night to embrace me.

Am I the right one to do this job? Am I strong enough? Have I made the right choices? Could I have helped the others?

There are days when I think I am, that I do make the right choices, but then there are days like these, where I just want to hide in a dark corner and wish it all would go away and vanish from when it came.

It's so hard being here sometimes, being so far away from family and friends, who are still at home, still on Earth. It's like you're being surrounded here, with hundreds of people, and yet you still feel totally and utterly alone.

I doubt myself.

I thought that I would have at least have one someone to confide in.

I thought John was…could be that person. Until now. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

This is not the first time we have lost a crewmember, but it is the first time that we have lost someone who was especially very close to each of us.

And I am unsure how to deal with it. And I'm sure that John hasn't figured it out either, or else he would have said something…anything.

There. I put it out in the open.

So far, I have lost a few members of the original expedition team, a boyfriend, a good friend, and I am losing my best friend as we speak.

What kind of person has that much loss in their life? It cannot be a good person. I mean a good person would not have all that bad karma around them. Would they?

Karma…do I believe in karma, fate…or whatever you want to call it?

I'm not so sure. I used to believe that I was picked for this mission for a reason…that John flew that chopper with General O'Neill inside to our Ancient outpost base, all those many months ago, for a reason.

I believed that we were all brought together for a purpose…a greater purpose than any individual gain any of us had ever gotten. And that initial intention was that we were here to learn from each other, that there are certain lessons in life, and we have to learn from each and every one of them.

So what have I learned?

Nothing.

Only that I have no problem losing people close to me.

I wish John were here.

I hope he is okay.

I need him right now.

But I am staying away. I know he doesn't need me.

I do not think he needs anyone right now.

So why was I crying?

How could/can this affect me like it is?

I felt so hopeless, confused, and just so not myself since all of this began, I do not know what to do anymore.

In the beginning, I thought I could run this place. I had something to prove after all. I had to prove to just about everyone here and back on Earth that I was able to do what was necessary.

That I was a hard-nosed Commander who did not need anyone…

Well I do not know what happened, but she isn't here anymore.

Maybe I need to get back to that. Push what's in my mind back, forget about Lt. Ford, John, and whom ever else, and just move on.

But, can I really do that?

Do I want to do that?

And why am I still crying?

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